At what point are you too old to be playing the "silent treatment" game?

[Jayburr]

My SO is currently giving me the silent treatment over something extremely stupid.

Long story short, yesterday afternoon we were both playing our game and she was talking about doing something in-game that I disagreed with. She made her points, I made mine and we still disagreed. No big deal. Then later at night when I got home from work, I logged in and right away I knew she must be mad at me. Usually when I log in, she sends me a message right away, or greets me in some other way...but this time, no message at all. She invited me to a group with others (without me saying anything) to do our regular nightly thing but didn't say a word to me all night. After we both logged out, we usually text until we're ready to sleep, but this time, no texts at all. Clearly, she is mad at me.

So today, no messages, no phone calls or anything from her throughout the day. After work, I log in, and again, no message or greeting from her, but as soon as someone else logs in, she greets them immediately. At that point, I message her and ask her if she's still mad at me. I get no response, but she continues chatting away with other people in different chat channels. I message her again...no response. Again, she continues doing her own thing, talking with others, etc...so I know it's not like she isn't at her computer or isn't seeing my messages. After some time waiting, i tell her I'm sorry I made her mad and that I wish she wouldn't ignore me, then I told her good night and logged out.

Basically, I've heard absolutely nothing from her about why she is upset with me. She hasn't said a word to me about it and ignored my messages. How is anything supposed to get resolved when she won't talk? And also, aren't we all a little old to be playing the silent treatment? I seriously don't understand why she won't talk to me about it. You'd think we got into a huge fight about something that actually matters, but no, this is a disagreement in a video game...something that has no importance in the real world, that is causing this childish behavior.

I guess when she has a problem, ignoring it is her way to deal with it? I don't know...

[H.Mikenzi]

I think the thing for me that I am wondering, is whether the thing that happened might not be the actual root of what is wrong, or if perhaps it is that she was more upset by what happened than you were. Is she normally the type of person that needs some space and time to cool down when it comes to her being mad/sad? I know that personally when I am upset (and I have told my SO this so that he knows) I will tell him that I don't want to talk about it, but if he just gives me a little space for a bit that I will nine times out of ten be the one to come to him and tell him that I do in fact need/want to talk about it when I've allowed myself the freedom to let it settle for a bit. I really hope that she starts talking to you soon, I know how hard it can be to be able to speak to your SO, especially with the distance adding to it.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I think even though you think its a petty issue, she probably has taken it a bit far than it should be (girls are kinnda over dramatic at times :P) she is probably doing that thinking she should take revenge. and i agree she is taking it a bit too far. but i suggest be patient, let her know you love her, and that you are sorry (eveb though there is noting to ask forgiveness for) dont over do it, just let her know that daily for the time she is not talking to you. she ll probably be fine after a day or two. and make something to make her smile, you d know what would make her calm down, make something and send it to her, things which are non verbal
good luck

[Katelyn313]

First, I absolutely LOVE your little man falling down the stairs. Sometimes I look at it while at work, so I can laugh.

Okay, that said... Oof... what a toughie! Dylan and I don't play games like that, so I don't have much advice other than what you've already done. You apologized for making her upset and asked her to talk to you. Hard to do much more. And I can't really defend her behavior when, like you said, it happened in-game AND you both should be old enough to not be using the silent treatment. I think it's good you haven't told her she's being childish yet, because that would probably annoy her further, but when she does start talking to you again, definitely tell her you were surprised that she acted this way. You need to know if this is how she deals with things. My ex used to throw tantrums when he was upset with a decision of mine. I found out later, he and his mother yelled at one another when they disagreed, rather than talking it out. "This is how we communicate!"

Also, I think it's good you're not giving into her game. You aren't texting constantly (like it seems like she wants) saying how sorry you are. Really, you're handling this with as much maturity and level-headedness as anyone could ask for. And you generally give good advice, so I think you're on the right track here. Hang in there, I'm sure she'll be back soon. Girls are silly

Good Luck!!

ETA: When I say Dylan and I don't play games like that, I mean we don't play games online like that.... not the silent treatment games... Sorry.

[Black_Halloween]

Just give her what she wants, space. She'll eventually come around.

[Jayburr]

I know that personally when I am upset (and I have told my SO this so that he knows) I will tell him that I don't want to talk about it, but if he just gives me a little space for a bit that I will nine times out of ten be the one to come to him and tell him that I do in fact need/want to talk about it when I've allowed myself the freedom to let it settle for a bit.

She is the type that, when something happens, she doesn't really like to talk about it because for her, when she talks about a past event, whatever feelings she felt at the time that it happened, start to come back for her. BUT, she's never straight up IGNORED me like this. If she doesn't want to talk, she'll tell me she doesn't want to talk about it, not ignore me for what is now over a day.

I think even though you think its a petty issue, she probably has taken it a bit far than it should be (girls are kinnda over dramatic at times :P) she is probably doing that thinking she should take revenge. and i agree she is taking it a bit too far. but i suggest be patient, let her know you love her, and that you are sorry (eveb though there is noting to ask forgiveness for) dont over do it, just let her know that daily for the time she is not talking to you. she ll probably be fine after a day or two. and make something to make her smile, you d know what would make her calm down, make something and send it to her, things which are non verbal
good luck

I KNOW that it isn't a petty issue for her because she takes this game way too seriously, but as I mentioned above, she's never ignored me like this. She'll tell me if she's mad or something but here, I haven't heard a single word from her about it.

I will try coming up with something to make her smile though and get her to break her ignore-streak, hehe, thanks for the idea.

I think it's good you haven't told her she's being childish yet, because that would probably annoy her further, but when she does start talking to you again, definitely tell her you were surprised that she acted this way. You need to know if this is how she deals with things.

You're right, and annoying her further is something I've absolutely tried to avoid. In fact, when I was messaging her in-game, several times I had deleted and re-wrote what I was going to send her because multiple times I found myself writing too much of what was on my mind. You know how when you're in a fight with someone, lets say the other person sends you a text, and when you read it, it makes you roll your eyes and you just set your phone back down and not even reply? That's what I wanted to avoid. I didn't want any message I sent to give her that kind of reaction... So, I held back a lot of what I wanted to say, in favor of keeping it simple and non-accusatory.

One of the things I definitely AM thinking about though, is when she does decide to talk to me, how am I going to respond to her? Right now, I'm thinking that I'd want to tell her how stupid it was that she ignore me for so long and how hard is it to just talk to me??? Why can't she act like an adult?? ...things like that. Or, am I supposed to lay down and be like "Baby I missed you? I'm sorry for what I did?" even though I feel this whole thing is BS? Really not sure how I'm going to respond when the time comes... I'm definitely not okay with being ignored like this and I feel she needs to take some responsibility there.

Also, I think it's good you're not giving into her game. You aren't texting constantly (like it seems like she wants) saying how sorry you are. Really, you're handling this with as much maturity and level-headedness as anyone could ask for.

Yet another thing I want to avoid is seeming clingy...especially during something I feel I shouldn't have to be begging her to talk to me about. I feel that I've put the ball in her court and it's now up to her... I just wonder how long she'll drag this on.

[temporaryuser]

do not tell her how stupid it was, or why cant you act like an adult - that would piss me off. Find another way to discuss it. What was it that bothered you, I wish you would have just talked to me about it so we could clear the air etc

[Nbaby]

Woah i have read another thread of you before about gaming. Seems to me she takes gaming way too serious ( coming from a girl who likes to play online games herself ). It makes me even doubt if that was the true reason she is mad. I wouldnt give in, since what i have read here u havent done anything wrong. I think she just needs to cool off for a bit. I think u have done enough for now and she keeps ignoring you. I would give her some space to get over it. If she continue with this then i think it is really time for a serious conversation about how this "gaming" affects your relationship.

[Darth_Taco]

o.o What game was this and what did you say no to? D: If it was something like she asked you to marry her on wow and you said no, I can see why she would overreact xD. When Fable 3 first came out, I asked Enrique to marry me in-game, but he said no. That led into an hour and a half shouting match over the worth of our relationship before one of us (can't remember who) had a moment of clarity and said, "Wait, are we really fighting this hard over a video game?" We immediately stopped and swore to never speak of this again, so don't tell him I told you @_@.

Whenever she begins to talk to you again, I suggest you first ask her what she's been doing with her life for the past few days (or years, depends when she comes back xD) and just make small talk to show you're not fuming mad or anything. Then bring up what happened and figure out why she felt she needed to not speak to you. Then death match @_@!

[nicole]

When I lose my temper, I go on lock down and won't talk, and it takes a while for me to talk again and sort it out. But I'll at least say "I'm pissed off, just leave me be for a while", I wouldn't call it silent treatment, just how I deal with things. She will come round, once you've talked it out I would say that silent treatment is not productive and if she needs space in future, she should tell you instead of doing when she did. Couples fight, it happens, but you should fight fair.

Also, I refuse to play any games with my SO. Not even Monopoly lol he gets uber competitive and it's not a side of him I like to deal with. If it's a competitive game you're playing, I'd try to switch to a co-operative one?

[Caitlin2009]

Well when me and Denise are angry we kinda do this but not to that extent, we'll still kinda talking but we'll go silent for a little while as to not say anything we'll regret in the heat of the moment. what she's doing is a bit childish, she could at least tell you "hey im mad at you and i need time to cool off so i dont want to talk for a little bit" when she finally talks to you mention that to her and tell her there are better ways to handle the situation

[Moon]

Are you sure it's the silent treatment? I've been accused of that many times in my life, but that isn't what I'm actually doing. When I'm angry, I back off and think, and until I'm over it, I simply don't want to talk to the person who caused that anger until I'm over it a little and can be more rational about it. Some people need to talk things out right away and some of us need to ponder it awhile first.

Unless she is "punishing" you, in which case I'd tell her to knock it off and act like an adult, it's just a game for godsakes

[Snowlilly]

Are you sure it's the silent treatment? I've been accused of that many times in my life, but that isn't what I'm actually doing. When I'm angry, I back off and think, and until I'm over it, I simply don't want to talk to the person who caused that anger until I'm over it a little and can be more rational about it. Some people need to talk things out right away and some of us need to ponder it awhile first.

I tend to be the same way. Some times I just get too emotional and need a few moments to calm down and think rational. I did warn Trepis of this but we also agreed to never give each other "the silent treatment" since that is an easy thing to do being LDR as the other person really has no recourse like when you are face to face, and it really doesn't resolve anything.

But honestly, if I was in game, and saw him log on, I would never just ignore him, I would say hello at least and maybe just state that I am not ready to talk. I would be rather miffed if I logged in game and he said Hi to everyone but me. That would piss me off. That is really childish in my view.

[Soyokaze]

That's a really tough situation, though I've honestly never been so mad at Matt that I legitimately tried to give him the silent treatment. The thing is that it depends almost entirely on what the in game thing was and what it the root problem is. I doubt the problem, if she's really punishing you, is whatever happened in game. For example, a friend of mine is dating a girl who is living in Japan at the moment so they don't have much time together. He found out she was roleplaying on a server other than his and got really upset about it. After talking to him (And instructing him to talk to her about it because he's stubborn) he realized that the root of the problem was that it takes her a half an hour just to respond to single messages and then she barely says anything. That was the thing that needed to be addressed. On the other hand it could be a game problem, like how Matt and I discovered we get jealous when our characters end up in relationships with other people's characters. That was an easy fix. Either way, it seems to me like you've done everything you could about it, texting her too much might really get on her nerves or make it seem like you are pleading. When she starts talking to you again I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

[Jayburr]

Woah i have read another thread of you before about gaming. Seems to me she takes gaming way too serious ( coming from a girl who likes to play online games herself ). It makes me even doubt if that was the true reason she is mad. I wouldnt give in, since what i have read here u havent done anything wrong. I think she just needs to cool off for a bit. I think u have done enough for now and she keeps ignoring you. I would give her some space to get over it. If she continue with this then i think it is really time for a serious conversation about how this "gaming" affects your relationship.

She does take it too seriously... I've been wondering if it's a different reason non-game related too but, why would she completely ignore me? Things were fine before our little in-game disagreement so, if that isn't the problem, what did I do to deserve this?

o.o What game was this and what did you say no to? D: If it was something like she asked you to marry her on wow and you said no, I can see why she would overreact xD. When Fable 3 first came out, I asked Enrique to marry me in-game, but he said no. That led into an hour and a half shouting match over the worth of our relationship before one of us (can't remember who) had a moment of clarity and said, "Wait, are we really fighting this hard over a video game?" We immediately stopped and swore to never speak of this again, so don't tell him I told you @_@.

Hehe this is a funny story :P though our conversation wasn't anything like that. I didn't want to get into details in the OP because I didn't want to confuse anyone with 'game-talk' or anything but... Basically, she was wanting to report another player and get them banned because they were apparently harassing her. The only problem with that, is she was fueling the harassment. This other player messaged her all pissed off about something, and my SO basically was talking crap right back at him. So, I was trying to explain to her how reporting him isn't going to do anything because admins are going to read the chat log, and see that she never asked this person to stop, she never blocked him, and in fact, she provoked the harassment further. She disagreed and the subject got changed. That's when I logged out until I got back later from work.

Are you sure it's the silent treatment? I've been accused of that many times in my life, but that isn't what I'm actually doing. When I'm angry, I back off and think, and until I'm over it, I simply don't want to talk to the person who caused that anger until I'm over it a little and can be more rational about it. Some people need to talk things out right away and some of us need to ponder it awhile first.

Unless she is "punishing" you, in which case I'd tell her to knock it off and act like an adult, it's just a game for godsakes

I definitely feel like I'm being punished and yes, absolutely sure I'm getting the silent treatment. As I mentioned in the OP, I tried messaging her in game, and got ignored, while she carried on talking and greeting others. So it isn't like she's in such a bad mood that she doesn't feel like talking to anyone...she's deliberately not talking to ME.

But honestly, if I was in game, and saw him log on, I would never just ignore him, I would say hello at least and maybe just state that I am not ready to talk. I would be rather miffed if I logged in game and he said Hi to everyone but me. That would piss me off. That is really childish in my view.

Exactly, right? Is it so hard for her to just tell me that she needs some space and doesn't want to talk? This silence is literally dragging me down into a depressive state because I have no idea what she's thinking or why she's doing this. I have a lot of feelings for my SO and it's hard enough for me to not hear from her until the end of the day, but this? This is truly depleting me...

That's a really tough situation, though I've honestly never been so mad at Matt that I legitimately tried to give him the silent treatment. The thing is that it depends almost entirely on what the in game thing was and what it the root problem is. I doubt the problem, if she's really punishing you, is whatever happened in game. For example, a friend of mine is dating a girl who is living in Japan at the moment so they don't have much time together. He found out she was roleplaying on a server other than his and got really upset about it. After talking to him (And instructing him to talk to her about it because he's stubborn) he realized that the root of the problem was that it takes her a half an hour just to respond to single messages and then she barely says anything. That was the thing that needed to be addressed. On the other hand it could be a game problem, like how Matt and I discovered we get jealous when our characters end up in relationships with other people's characters. That was an easy fix. Either way, it seems to me like you've done everything you could about it, texting her too much might really get on her nerves or make it seem like you are pleading. When she starts talking to you again I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

Thank you for reply Soyokaze. As I mentioned above, things were fine before this disagreement so, I can't think of what else would be the cause, or why I deserve to be ignored because of it...