Urge to ignore SO...

[inez]

Whenever my boyfriend goes out with his friends or does something that will require less contact, I get so mad that he's not closer so that I could be a participant. I hate the negative feelings these moments create towards him; communicating it doesn't seem to help, so my natural reaction is to ignore him until he starts to worry about why I haven't talked to him all day. Sometimes I make up excuses just so I can go periods of time without saying a word to him.
It's like I need him to miss me as much as I miss him- because whenever I'm upset, he just talks about how lucky he feels to be able to talk to me at all. Why is that enough for him?

Is my behavior mean? Vindictive? Hateful?

[libtastic]

I don't think your behavior is mean, vindictive, or hateful.

Since communicating your feelings doesn't help, I don't really have too much advice on dealing with this. The only thing I can say is that you have to remember that you both have to have your own lives. Yes, being part of a couple is exciting. Yes, you know that this person means more to you than anyone else has. However, especially in an LDR from what I can tell, you have to respect that your SO has a life outside of you. Remember, you have one outside of them, too! Don't think about how mad you are that you can't be part of their activities, that's not something you can change right then. Instead, go out and do something yourself! Hang out with your friends, read a book, go see a movie, do something to distract your mind from these thoughts. Then, when you and your SO both have free time, it's all the more for you to talk about.

He misses you just as much as you miss him, but you can't dwell on that all the time. He seems to just be looking on the bright side, as in: yeah, it sucks that you're apart and you miss each other, but at least you get to talk!

[Moon]

Is my behavior mean? Vindictive? Hateful?

Yes, yes, and yes, plus you forgot immature. Is it his fault you're not closer? If it isn't, it's a pretty dumb thing to get mad at him for. No, you can't participate, but that's life in an LDR, you either get used to it and treat it in a healthy manner, or you get out of the LDR. I'm not sure what you're expecting, but what more do you think he should be doing, and have you had an honest talk with him about your expectations, a logical, calm one? In an LDR it's very important to live your own life, and that's what he's doing, you can't sit in front of a computer pinning away for someone who isn't there, you've gotta get out and have some fun, too.

Ignoring him is an immature reaction that isn't going to help anything, and judging by the way you want to ignore him, are you even really into this relationship? If you won't speak to him, there's no way you'll ever be able to work through this, passive-aggressive punishment is NOT the way to accomplish anything.

[Black_Halloween]

You know one day he'll get sick of it and break up with you, right? His feelings are not toys to be played with. Is my behavior mean? Vindictive? Hateful? uhhh...yeah, BIG time. You chose to be a part of the relationship, don't get mad at him because he has things that he has to do. Sure the pain sucks but you need to find better ways to deal with it other than taking it out on him.

[Jango]

I can see 'why' you feel like ignoring sometimes, and I'm guessing you feel like you do, because you want your so to miss you, and you like to know he wants you.
Something along the lines of this?

I work a lot, and I go out quite often sometimes. Infact, I'm going out straight after work later today, then tomorrow, out again in the evening for a mates birthday.
One of my favourite things about my girlfriend, is that she is so understanding, and she doesn't mind me going out with my friends as she understands that it's good to still be sociable. Even though I know she misses me, and would rather Skype with me or something.

Trust me, you need to realise that there HAS to be space, and time to do other things.
When your boyfriend wants to go out, or will be hard to contact; let him know you will miss him, and that you want him to have fun.

This is very important you do this, it's so unhealthy for a relationship, especially a LDR.

[Malaga]

Try to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine if you went to the cinema with a friend or something important came up at work, anything that would legitimately prevent you to speak to your boyfriend for a few hours. And when you come back, he gives you a cold shoulder. How would you feel?

[Jayburr]

I know exactly how you feel, and I have been going through this ever since I got back from visiting my SO for the first time. My SO doesn't text me back or call or communicate as often with me as I'd like her too...and because of that lack of communication, I can't help but wonder if she even thinks about me during the day. I often don't get a single text or call until the day is already over, so it's difficult for me not to feel like I must not be on her mind. I've felt like you where I want to ignore her on purpose for a while, just to see if she'll care to follow up and find out what I'm doing. She does, but not until much later in the night.

My advice is that you don't ignore him, no matter how bad you want to secretly punish him, to find out if he's thinking of you or not...just don't do it. Honestly, I think it does more harm to YOURSELF than good, because once you start ignoring him and he doesn't respond to it in the way you want him to, you'll be making up all sorts of things about him and his thought process, his priorities, etc, that probably aren't true. Like me, you'll start telling yourself that 'oh, he still hasn't sent me a message to see what I'm doing, he must not care...' among various other assumptions, and if you tell yourself things like that, you'll start to believe it. If you tell yourself a lie long enough, it will become truth.

My SO is currently ignoring me at the moment...for something completely ridiculous, and it's hurting me really bad. Try talking to him again, that's the best thing you can do. Tell him that you need the reassurance and a simple text or call a bit more frequently would really help you along throughout the day. Good luck

[Nbaby]

I do think it is a bit mean. Why aren't u happy for him that he is hanging out with friends and having a good time? This is not only something that can happen on LDR bout also with CDR. Even if you lived closer you cant always be a participant when he hangs out with his friends. Sometimes a guys night out is a guys night out. Just try to find something to keep yourself busy with instead of just ignoring him all day and hoping he will contact you at the end of the day. Because i dont think it will solve the problem. Maybe you can hang out with your friends more often.

[Kiyama]

I somehow understand your reaction. Envy is a feeling we all get now and then and I've experienced jealousy when other people got to have fun with my SO whereas I couldn't.
But you need to get out of this vicious cycle that is triggered by such situations. As you've realized yourself already, it is unhealthy and will put a huge strain on your relationship in the long term, not to forget about the resentment your SO might develop eventually.
I suggest you talk openly to him about the way you feel and figure out together how to deal with such a situation. It will help if you make yourself aware of how you might start to feel right before such a situation and point it out to him. Maybe you can agree on that he sends you a nice text or something while he is out.
It might not help prevent you from feeling you the way you will but knowing that it might come gives you both a way to deal with it better and your SO knows what's up.
As a long term solution I would try and find out why you really react this way and why you can't behave differently even though you know you should.

[Pixel]

Yes your behaviour is mean/vindictive.

Honestly, up until about 2 months ago I used to be like that. I turned into an angry, snappy, depressed...thing. I had become this other person.
He'd go out with his friends and I'd give him short responses...or I'd do what you do, and go really quiet and stew about it and want him to miss me.
I'd get ANGRY when he was going out and doing things and make mean comments about his friends/hobbies/etc and after a long time of all of this he just stopped going and would stay home to talk to me instead...and at first I thought AHA, HE'S STAYING BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

Yes, he WAS staying because he loves me and doesn't want me to be upset. Yes, he misses me.
But was it healthy? NOT AT ALL.

We started fighting a lot and things got very bad and he almost broke up with me twice...and it took that to make me wake up and think "What have I been doing?! Who is this awful person I've become? Why am I being so negative and mean ALL the time?"

I want him to be HAPPY. Going out with his friends and participating in activities he enjoys makes him HAPPY. Why would I even WANT to take that away from him?
I don't want to be a jealous, cruel girlfriend. I want him to smile and laugh and be happy. I want him to spend time with me because he wants to, not because he feels guilty.

I stopped being mean. I stopped ignoring. I started being enthusiastic about it. He'd offer to stay home and talk and I'd say "No babe, go have fun!"
Or when he'd tell me he was going to go somewhere I'd say "Ok, love you! Have a good time! "

I started getting a lot more "I miss you" "I love you" "Let's talk tonight" "What are you up to?" texts.

I realized that he had NEVER said anything negative when I mentioned going out with my friends, never ignored me, he'd always been the one to say "Have fun!"

Our relationship has been getting so much better and I don't FEEL resentful anymore. I had always thought that if I ignored him, he'd miss me...but really, when I was being mySELF, he'd miss me because THAT is who he loves.

He loves talking to you and looks forward to it. I bet while he's out with friends or doing his own thing he thinks about you and misses you and probably even wishes you were with him!
Be happy that he's happy. He even said he feels lucky that he gets to talk to you.

Maybe instead of sitting around being angry and ignoring him, you could go out and do your own thing too.
It's important that you each have your own lives. Even if you lived together, you'd still go out and do things separately sometimes.
One positive thing about an LDR is that it provides you with ample opportunity for space and to do things yourself. Take this time to grow!

Meet up with a friend for coffee, read a book, do whatever you enjoy doing because you deserve to be happy too.

It's okay to be upset that you're not with him, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. But, when you're upset...communicate. Explain to him why.
If you want to participate...maybe he could take some photos while he's out and send them to you, and you could do the same when you're out? Or even just of day to day things.

I just rambled on way too much. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
If you ever need someone to talk to about it, you're welcome to message me.

[zoe0x]

i am pretty much exactly the same.. although, with me, he doesnt go out a lot. its more he'll go on the ps3. even tonight he said he wanted to cam until a certain hour, then he'll go on the ps3 for a couple of hours and then cam with me again after? i got extremely angry and said why is it ME who has to wait and why not his friends he speaks to over ps3? in the end i just told him to forget going on cam that night. mean i know