In advance, I apologize if this post turns out to be lengthy.
My SO came to New York from Europe about a week ago to close our LDR. He is here on a student visa; he gave up his apartment and left his friends and family. Technically, he's here for only a year while on sabbatical from work, but if he finds meaningful employment, he'll stay. The day after he arrived, we were on the computer together and he was checking his Facebook. He was super excited to put up a status about being here in the States for an extended period of time. He went to check his messages and he had two new messages both from women, one from an ex girlfriend and one from a friend. He opened and read the one from his friend but not from his ex. Obviously it was because I was sitting right next to him; what did he have to hide? This thought loomed in my mind. Later that night, I went onto Facebook from my phone. When I opened it, it opened to my SO's Facebook, not mine. He had been using my phone to check his FB and was still logged in. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I snooped. I opened the message that he didn't read in front of me. And what I found was shocking.
He had been talking with his ex for over a year through Facebook, which is ok, I know he is still friends with many of his exes (yes there are many of them :o/) so that isn't what bothers me. What really hurt was the nature of their conversation. To sum up their convos (over the course of a few months), he asked her to put up recent pictures of herself and she responded that she put it up in an album that is private so only he can see (why only for him to see??!!?), he later responded by complimenting her body, but in a manner that made me believe they were inappropriate pictures, ie nude. He then asked her to put up more pics. In another message he asked her to "come over this weekend, it will be perfect" (what? why does your ex need to come over your house, and he barely ever has anyone over, only his best friend and sister) In another message later on she said, "thank you for the other night, you were great" (?????WHAT?????). I was so hurt and furious that I can be so naive. He was asleep next to me while I was reading this. I woke him up and asked him about it.
He was furious that I snooped in his FB and said that I messed up big time, trying to ignore what I discovered by placing shame on me for snooping. He said that he hasn't seen that girl in years and that she put up pictures of herself topless for him to see (I told him I couldn't believe what he responded and that he asked her to put up more). He admitted to me that the girl that was supposed to come see him the night he left for NY was her (he told me a friend was coming to see him) but that when they tried to call each other the phone lines were messed up and she ended up not going. The only thing I could think was great, they have each other's numbers. Which means that whatever was in the FB messages are not all inclusive and could have continued by phone/text. So when he said "come over this weekend" did she call him and take him up on the offer?? I honestly do not trust my SO anymore. How can he still speak to this girl after she sent him pics of herself nude? Why did he ask her to come over? That shows a complete lack of respect for me. I repeatedly told him that if the distance was too difficult or that if he found himself liking someone else to tell me and it would be ok. After we argued, things were left up in the air and he went back to sleep. In the morning he gave me a hug and we haven't spoken about it since. For a week I didn't really think about it and it seemed I was successfully moving past it. Then yesterday I had a lot of alone time and everything came rushing back to me. All the hurt that I felt when I was reading the messages. I couldn't even look at him yesterday. When he would touch my hair, kiss me, all I could think was did he do this with her?
The point is I don't know what to do. My SO moved his entire life to come here (supposedly to be with me) and now is when I find out about this. In all honesty, if he was still in Europe I would have broken up with him over this. But he has only been here for a week, should I still break up with him? He already paid for school this semester and is supposed to start next week. I moved out of my mother's house (and she won't even talk to me because I moved) to be with him. I don't know how to move past this or if I can even trust him. Is this a big enough thing to break up over? Do the content of the messages sound sketchy to you as well, or is it just me? How can I move past this? What should I do now? Please any advice, I'll greatly appreciate. Thank you so much for reading.
My SO came to New York from Europe about a week ago to close our LDR. He is here on a student visa; he gave up his apartment and left his friends and family. Technically, he's here for only a year while on sabbatical from work, but if he finds meaningful employment, he'll stay. The day after he arrived, we were on the computer together and he was checking his Facebook. He was super excited to put up a status about being here in the States for an extended period of time. He went to check his messages and he had two new messages both from women, one from an ex girlfriend and one from a friend. He opened and read the one from his friend but not from his ex. Obviously it was because I was sitting right next to him; what did he have to hide? This thought loomed in my mind. Later that night, I went onto Facebook from my phone. When I opened it, it opened to my SO's Facebook, not mine. He had been using my phone to check his FB and was still logged in. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I snooped. I opened the message that he didn't read in front of me. And what I found was shocking.
He had been talking with his ex for over a year through Facebook, which is ok, I know he is still friends with many of his exes (yes there are many of them :o/) so that isn't what bothers me. What really hurt was the nature of their conversation. To sum up their convos (over the course of a few months), he asked her to put up recent pictures of herself and she responded that she put it up in an album that is private so only he can see (why only for him to see??!!?), he later responded by complimenting her body, but in a manner that made me believe they were inappropriate pictures, ie nude. He then asked her to put up more pics. In another message he asked her to "come over this weekend, it will be perfect" (what? why does your ex need to come over your house, and he barely ever has anyone over, only his best friend and sister) In another message later on she said, "thank you for the other night, you were great" (?????WHAT?????). I was so hurt and furious that I can be so naive. He was asleep next to me while I was reading this. I woke him up and asked him about it.
He was furious that I snooped in his FB and said that I messed up big time, trying to ignore what I discovered by placing shame on me for snooping. He said that he hasn't seen that girl in years and that she put up pictures of herself topless for him to see (I told him I couldn't believe what he responded and that he asked her to put up more). He admitted to me that the girl that was supposed to come see him the night he left for NY was her (he told me a friend was coming to see him) but that when they tried to call each other the phone lines were messed up and she ended up not going. The only thing I could think was great, they have each other's numbers. Which means that whatever was in the FB messages are not all inclusive and could have continued by phone/text. So when he said "come over this weekend" did she call him and take him up on the offer?? I honestly do not trust my SO anymore. How can he still speak to this girl after she sent him pics of herself nude? Why did he ask her to come over? That shows a complete lack of respect for me. I repeatedly told him that if the distance was too difficult or that if he found himself liking someone else to tell me and it would be ok. After we argued, things were left up in the air and he went back to sleep. In the morning he gave me a hug and we haven't spoken about it since. For a week I didn't really think about it and it seemed I was successfully moving past it. Then yesterday I had a lot of alone time and everything came rushing back to me. All the hurt that I felt when I was reading the messages. I couldn't even look at him yesterday. When he would touch my hair, kiss me, all I could think was did he do this with her?
The point is I don't know what to do. My SO moved his entire life to come here (supposedly to be with me) and now is when I find out about this. In all honesty, if he was still in Europe I would have broken up with him over this. But he has only been here for a week, should I still break up with him? He already paid for school this semester and is supposed to start next week. I moved out of my mother's house (and she won't even talk to me because I moved) to be with him. I don't know how to move past this or if I can even trust him. Is this a big enough thing to break up over? Do the content of the messages sound sketchy to you as well, or is it just me? How can I move past this? What should I do now? Please any advice, I'll greatly appreciate. Thank you so much for reading.
Comment