Emotionally crippled

[Shivaus]

Hello LDR couples. I'm sorry for not being online much but I've been having issues lately when it comes to my mood.

Lately me and my current SO have been having some sort of issues. She never had a decent (and serious) relationship, so I might add that I'm her "first serious thing" and sometimes I don't know what goes on between us. She claims to care, she does care when I have my ups and downs, but sometimes I feel really emotionally distant and I can't really open myself towards her. I want to say the things that are bothering me, but... Instead of really letting them go, I bottle them all up inside of me and just let them all out when I finally burst myself into tears. Even so, when I cry, I tend to keep that to myself because I'm not sure if she would understand why I'm feeling this depressed.
I had one day where I told her I was feeling sad and she just told me to "stop it". Even if it was meant as a joke to make me feel better, that only made me cry even further and really feel in the dumps.

I find myself, at the moment, really emotionally crippled. I don't smile, I don't cry, I just... don't know what to feel. I may put on a smile and a small chuckle, but it's just a pretending game while inside I'm completely empty. I want to try and make things right, but I'm afraid I might push her away unintentionally because I don't want her to think I'm "that" clingy.
I'm not clingy, I don't think I am. I just need a shoulder to cry on when I'm having a crap day, like everyone. And now that she's going to attend college, our hours "together" will be shorter and shorter, and when I manage to find a job, our online encounters will probably be brief and short.
When I get online, there's nothing else I do. Sure I might watch some videos on youtube, draw and read random things, but all I want to do is talk to her. She's the main reason I wake up and get online at a certain hour in the day due to our timezones. She's the main reason why I pull so many all nighters and I don't care about consequences in the next day.

I just wish she would see that sometimes.

ps. I'm sorry if I sound cheesy or lame, I just been feeling real... real depressed lately and when I do, things like this come out.

[Black_Halloween]

I really think you need to communicate with your SO about how you're feeling. Its not gonna get any better if you don't.

[Shivaus]

I really think you need to communicate with your SO about how you're feeling. Its not gonna get any better if you don't.

I tried to do that but I got one hour delay from her on her reply and when I got a reply it was something like *hug*.

[Black_Halloween]

o___0 So shes not really talking at all? Maybe you should try saying something along the lines of "I need more than one word from you, i'm serious and I need you."

[Shivaus]

o___0 So shes not really talking at all? Maybe you should try saying something along the lines of "I need more than one word from you, i'm serious and I need you."

I try to talk but the conversation always seems to die off. She's playing a game with her friends and in call in a group. I would join but I don't want to ruin the call or anything like that. I'll just do something to distract me in the meanwhile. I should work in some projects anyways...

[Jayburr]

Sounds all too similar to my situation. My SO is currently too busy playing a game to talk to me about and resolve our current issue.

I would just reiterate what Black said... Explain to her what you need from her, in terms of conversation, attention, reassurance, etc...

[Black_Halloween]

I try to talk but the conversation always seems to die off. She's playing a game with her friends and in call in a group. I would join but I don't want to ruin the call or anything like that. I'll just do something to distract me in the meanwhile. I should work in some projects anyways...

thats not very nice of her. Maybe you could write her a letter explaining everything you're feeling?

[Zephii]

I've suffered a shit load of depression too, and this is what it taught me:

You can't expect others to just UNDERSTAND. Even now, because I'm not the huge drama type, a lot of the time my SO misses my social cues that I really need him, that the depression is getting the better of me. He doesn't realise it's a big deal because I'm still calm. So, I need to be very direct.
Once they understand, you also can't expect them to just know what to do. Some people are proactive enough to do some independent research, and with others well... that shit's too much to hope for. So you need to tell them what you need. That's what relationships are at a core level - people working together to get their needs met. If there's something you need to hear said when you hit bottom, you may very well have to warn your SO in advance. (For example, I'm creating a little "Nice things to tell Miriam" booklet so that when I go into labour my SO will know how to best respond to support me.

Also, when you're their first serious partner, you kind of have a lot of training to do. You need to be upfront. (Hell you need this in any relationship). They genuinely might not know what to do or expect. Look at the relationship examples in their lives - look at their parents. This is all they know - so if you want something different, or you want more of something you need to lay it on the table. Don't be afraid to barter either. You can trade off, make agreements, compromises.

When it comes to your mental/emotional health though, you're alone. You need to accept that. We all want a hero, but it doesn't happen. Until you can master climbing out of that pit of despair alone and for nobody but yourself it will hold its power over you. Therapy or medication might help you learn to do that, perhaps look into that, but at the end of the day happiness truly is a state of mind - and your mind is yours to control.

[marbear31]

Hi hon, I'm so sorry you're going through this! That sounds rough--I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and everyone has given excellent words of advice so far. I've never experienced depression, but I do go through bouts of not wanting to talk to people, sometimes, mostly when I'm embarrassed by life choices I've been making. My SO is one of the only people that has ever been able to bridge that wall inside of me, and lately, it's just been...gone.

Regarding your SO, it sounds like she doesn't know how you feel exactly, or that she's trying to make you feel better with humor. Tell her you appreciate her efforts immensely, but also, ponder how you would like her to respond. Has there ever been a particular instance where she just seemed to get it? If not, think how you would like others to treat you--do you want a listener? Someone who tries to solve your problem for you? Try to communicate that to her.

Whenever I have a hard time expressing something, I write it out. Maybe just taking the time to put it all down in one place, whether as a letter, journal, or other form of writing, and sending all or part of it to your SO will help you communicate better. Hugs and love to you! Keep smiling!