Afraid of happiness?

[alesitag]

This is just... Ugh!!! I dont even know what to say...

So as you may have read on another thread, my SO and i got unofficially back together... We havent defined our status yet... We havent talked about our issues and the things we need to work on... We had been talking as loving friends... Shared a phonecall or two... Watched videos/listened to music together... Chatted about our passions (music/films/food) and our everyday lives... Things were going just fine, and we both always had in mind we still needed to have a long conversation about our relationship, But we had a hard time getting our schedules to match and i had been super busy the last two weeks...

Last time i called him (he asked me to) we talked a bit, and he said i was more than welcome to visit him anytime. That he missed me so much and he loved me and he couldnt wait to have me in his arms.

All i asked him for was an invitation letter i need to get my visa. The exact same thing i asked him a few months ago before we broke up. He seemed quite happy about my visit by the end of october and said he'd write it on his day off (this weekend) and would send it right away.

Well, saturday night came along, he was at work and i just said hi... He said hi back and then he said he wasnt feeling quite well... When i asked him what was wrong he said we needed to talk but he couldnt do it at the moment because he had company (usually he's all by himself at the hotel, but that day there was a security guard and she was sitting right behind him). He said we could talk on sunday afternoon, since he'd be alone at the hotel, but it turns out he wasnt... He had to take some training and got busy, but he promised he'd take some time at night when he got home so we could discuss our still undefined status and the purpose of my visit (he actually asked me if i thought things would change if i go there)...

Sunday night came along... He never got online. I didnt think too much about it because, after all, he had to work from Sat 11pm to Sun 7am and then go back to the hotel Sun at 3pm and leave at 11pm so i thought he was just tired and went straight to bed. Monday was also his day off and he wasnt online either... It's ok, he has things to do, errands to run for his mom and stuff, right?

Well its tuesday, 8:48pm his time and he's not online... I sent him an email earlier today, saying i am sorry if i made him feel uncomfortable/under pressure with my behavior, and that i would wait for him to contact me so we can talk and he gets to say whatever he's got to say...

Maybe im over-analyzing this, but it seems to me he's had such a tragic life he is actually afraid of being happy... It's like he is sabotaging himself and whenever happiness is around the corner he either runs or pushes it away... Like he's so afraid to loose whatever is good in his life that he actually leaves it if that makes any sense at all...

I feel so frustrated right now... But im trying my best not to think about it too much and keep busy...

[Ms.Justine]

Alright to begin, just for my own curiosity where are you from? Secondly, I believe that he may be feeling like he spilled out that he wanted you back etc etc but didn't actually think it through...I mean like you said you aren't exactly official again. That would be a lot of money and time for someone that isn't his girlfriend. Especially if you have never met before? It feels as though he is definitely getting cold feet. In my first LDR my SO totally would do this and it got to the point that I couldn't deal with his anxieties and inability to act like a mature adult and make a decision for himself.

I mean in all reality, it isn't that hard to take 2 minutes out of your day to send a quick email, text etc. Because unfortunately, avoiding you is ultimately:
1.) Not going to solve anything
2.) Weakening the relationship
3.) Building further anxiety and stress to the relationship

All of which are not positive aspects. To cut to the chase, and forgive me if I come off as brash - I think he is just too afraid to make the transition to the next step with you and the relationship at this point. You did mention he has had a lot of bad things happen to him in the past. When he is ultimately ready to be with you 100% he will make the time to talk to you, he will make time to talk to you, he will take every step necessary to be with you whenever possible. But until then there is no use waiting and driving yourself mad. I learned from my ex, you cannot be his mom you need to be his girlfriend.

[alesitag]

Thanks for your reply!

First, Im from Mexico, he's in Canada.

Second, he had been saying he still wanted me to be his wife... To raise a family with me and all those things he shouldnt be saying yet... I wont lie, he made my heart melt every time, but i still asked him to stop until we were able to talk about us.

Third, he wouldnt pay a thing... I have never asked him for money and i dont plan on doing it ever. I have a decent job that will allow me to pay for my expenses. On the sample letter i sent him to fill out the information i missed it said i would be staying at his place during my visit but only for the visa purpose. I had been looking for cheap hostels in his city because as i said, we are not official.

And yes, i agree not talking at all is not helping anyone, but it's only affecting us more.

I made the decision to back off and give him space again... Let him think clearly and make up his freaking mind. Meanwhile, i'll keep living my life just like i did before...

[Moon]

OK, this might sound slightly harsh, but I don't mean it to. In order to protect our feelings, people try to rationalize these things by saying "S/he's afraid to be happy", when that's usually not the case, it's a case of that other party just not being that into you. Yeah, it's hard and it hurts, but it's how it is. I know how hard it is to hear, and he's telling you otherwise, but words are cheap and easy, actions speak the truth, and by his actions he's telling you not to come. I mean really, how much time and effort does it honestly take to fire off a quick invitation? 10 minutes? Having a full time job is not a big deal, most people finished with school have one, ya know?

I know you are trying really hard and very much want to get back together with this guy, and I realize that right now you think I'm wrong and I don't understand, but sweetie, from your posts, I really don't think this is going to work out for you in the long run. I'm really sorry, and I know you'll have to find this out for yourself, but if he wanted this relationship and he wanted you to visit, he would have found a few minutes to write that invitation My guy has been working 16 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week since getting a promotion, yet if I needed an invitation from him, he'd have found the time. See what he wants to talk about, but please take it with a grain of salt, and if he doesn't write you that invitation right away, it's time to move on.

[TwoThree]

I sent him an email earlier today, saying i am sorry if i made him feel uncomfortable/under pressure with my behavior

I have noticed in others of your posts that you do that a lot. That you blame yourself when you really shouldn't. You didn't at all have to apologize for that, IMO. He's the one who didn't stick to his word. You did nothing wrong. If you're in a healthy relationship with someone you shouldn't shoulder all the blame for whatever goes wrong, especially since, from what I've read about your SO, he doesn't always treat you well (case in point: this thread).

[alesitag]

OK, this might sound slightly harsh, but I don't mean it to. In order to protect our feelings, people try to rationalize these things by saying "S/he's afraid to be happy", when that's usually not the case, it's a case of that other party just not being that into you. Yeah, it's hard and it hurts, but it's how it is. I know how hard it is to hear, and he's telling you otherwise, but words are cheap and easy, actions speak the truth, and by his actions he's telling you not to come. I mean really, how much time and effort does it honestly take to fire off a quick invitation? 10 minutes? Having a full time job is not a big deal, most people finished with school have one, ya know?

Thanks Moon. That's what I meant when I said I was probably over-analyzing this. I always tend to overlook the bad things. What doesn't make sense to me is why starting things all over again if he isn't that into me? why saying he loved me even more than before?

He is the one who got back in touch in the first place. I had deleted him from my life and had no intention to contact him again even though I love that man with all my heart.

As of having the time to write the invitation, I think the same... I understand he's tired after having little to no sleep at all, and I actually told him it was OK if he wanted to go straight to bed on Sunday night but he promised he'd be up to talk to me... just like he promised he'd take time to send me the letter.

I know you are trying really hard and very much want to get back together with this guy, and I realize that right now you think I'm wrong and I don't understand, but sweetie, from your posts, I really don't think this is going to work out for you in the long run. I'm really sorry, and I know you'll have to find this out for yourself, but if he wanted this relationship and he wanted you to visit, he would have found a few minutes to write that invitation My guy has been working 16 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week since getting a promotion, yet if I needed an invitation from him, he'd have found the time.

I have been questioning this myself after last weekend. I mean, everything was just fine and again, I even had to tell him to cool off a little whenever the conversation started getting too intense for not being official and now this... not a single word, and what's worst... not a single action towards the relationship he claimed to want.

See what he wants to talk about, but please take it with a grain of salt, and if he doesn't write you that invitation right away, it's time to move on.

At this moment, that's all I want. I want to know what's on his mind, what does he want for real. I decided that whatever the hell that is, I'm still going to Canada. I have family there (not in his city) I want to visit anyway and I already asked them for an invitation letter.

Again, thanks Moon... your opinion is always welcome

[alesitag]

I have noticed in others of your posts that you do that a lot. That you blame yourself when you really shouldn't. You didn't at all have to apologize for that, IMO. He's the one who didn't stick to his word. You did nothing wrong. If you're in a healthy relationship with someone you shouldn't shoulder all the blame for whatever goes wrong, especially since, from what I've read about your SO, he doesn't always treat you well (case in point: this thread).

Well, I tend not to blame myself but to see what I could have done wrong on my side and accept the responsibility because I know I'm not perfect nor am I a victim. I apologized for the things I did with the best intention but he might have taken wrong. On my email I actually told him there are a lot of things I'd like to say but I'd rather tell him personally. And he is usually a really caring loving man, but when it comes to deal with interpersonal problems he's got a real issue, as he tends to shut down and act cold instead of actually do something to solve whatever the situation is.

[Schlafmütze]

I absolutely agree with this.

OK, this might sound slightly harsh, but I don't mean it to. In order to protect our feelings, people try to rationalize these things by saying "S/he's afraid to be happy", when that's usually not the case, it's a case of that other party just not being that into you. Yeah, it's hard and it hurts, but it's how it is. I know how hard it is to hear, and he's telling you otherwise, but words are cheap and easy, actions speak the truth, and by his actions he's telling you not to come. I mean really, how much time and effort does it honestly take to fire off a quick invitation? 10 minutes? Having a full time job is not a big deal, most people finished with school have one, ya know?

I know you are trying really hard and very much want to get back together with this guy, and I realize that right now you think I'm wrong and I don't understand, but sweetie, from your posts, I really don't think this is going to work out for you in the long run. I'm really sorry, and I know you'll have to find this out for yourself, but if he wanted this relationship and he wanted you to visit, he would have found a few minutes to write that invitation .