It Was Only A Kiss

[Aerialwakeboarding]

Fellow LDR'ers,

I'm writing because my LDR is in some serious trouble. I've posted here before a few times and everyone has always been really helpful. I figure this is the best place to get advice for my situation. Anyway I have posted before about my LDR girlfriend of 1 and a half years and her need for attention from other males, also her cutting habits. About two months ago we had a blow out about her lying about talking to an ex of hers who is apperantly still in love with her. Anyway things have been good since then until yesterday. She called me at 4 am very intoxicated. She had been cutting and was crying because she "did something very bad, that would hurt me". Eventually she told me she went out to the bar alone, met up with some friends, and ended up going to watch a movie with them. She told me she ended up kissing one of the guys there but immediately felt bad and went home and called me. Yesterday I broke up with her. And today I have been a train wreck, and so has she. She has texted me very upset and asked if we can go on a break instead. My question is, do I believe her that it was only a kiss? This other guy thing has been an escalating problem in our relationship. Also do I let her back until she regains my trust or am I right to leave her for only a kiss? Thanks for the help.

[Rebecka]

My boyfriend once kissed another girl, when we were close distance. He was drunk and gave another girl a quick kiss on the dancefloor (drunk = no excuse!)
Iīve always said that I would never take a boy back if he even just kissed a girl, but when I actually was in that situation I did forgive him. I wanted to break up with him, but I just couldnīt do it, because I canīt live without him. BUT I think it depends on a lot of stuff, my boyfriend told me right away, he asked all his friends what they had seen because I was afraid that it was something he didnīt remember happening. He even told his mom, which meant a lot for me, because I thought that that really showed that he knew that it was terrible wrong. He cried a lot about it (and he never cries!!!) and really tried to make everything better. We were totally a mess, having to run the to the bathroom on the school to cry, but we talked about it a lot and some how we managed to move on from it.

When he told me what had happend I thought I would never be able to trust him, ever again. But even though we are 4500 miles away form eachother right now I do trust him! I realized that one kiss wasnīt worth destroying everything we had.

But I think you have to decide what YOU feel. Nobody can tell you what you should do. But I just wanted to tell you that it is possible to still be happy with eachother even though it happend, itīs hard, but possible! But at the same time I think that many relationships with cheating in them is not worth fighting for, you just have to figure out if yours is or not.

[rixue]

My question is, do I believe her that it was only a kiss? This other guy thing has been an escalating problem in our relationship. Also do I let her back until she regains my trust or am I right to leave her for only a kiss? Thanks for the help.

Since this "other guy thing" has been an escalating problem in your relationship, has this happened before? If you trust her than believe her when she said it was only a kiss. She did call you and admitted to feeling bad about right after it happened, she did not keep it a secret from you. Can you forgive her for one kiss? If you can forgive her, build back your trust in her. If you find the situation something you cannot move past move on, otherwise it will keep eating away at your relationship.

[Zephii]

It's just a kiss, in my opinion. I wouldn't leave a great person over a kiss. However, this other guy problem, you need to sort that shit out and set some boundaries that you're both comfortable with.

[Rugger]

I would only leave her if she refused to do anything about the guy. She needs to address this problem. Either she needs to cut off all contact with him or not be with you. I'd give my boyfriend one chance to redeem himself. He'd have to cut the girl out of his life forever. If he refused, I'd be gone.

[Moon]

If your whole situation was just this kiss, I'd tell you to try getting over it, and at least she told you, but this girl seems like she thrives on the attention of other guys, and next time it won't be just a kiss. Are you sure it's worth the aggravation and heartache? She cuts, she goes to bars alone and gets wasted, she's got attention issues, and she just took it one step further with another guy. Is this really what you want? That's what you've got to ask yourself here. If you were CD, you could keep a better watch over this, but you just can't have an LDR without trust, it simply won't work. Sorry about that, good luck.

[Carenza LaRue]

what Moon said......

I think this relationship might be toxic to begin with and it will get worse over time.

do what's best for YOU....

best of luck

[Aerialwakeboarding]

Since this "other guy thing" has been an escalating problem in your relationship, has this happened before?

Nothing physical has happened like this before, as far as I know. But this whole situation has really blown my trust in her. About every four months we have had some sort of fight about some other guy. I've caught her flirting with other guys via texts on three occasions over the 1 and a half years, but when she found out he still liked her she supposedly cut it off. Because of the long distance I understood the need for attention and have been willing to forgive it but she seems to need it to an extreme.

She just turned 21 two months ago and has begun drinking heavily since. The cutting has been a problem for about 7 months now, but she agreed to go to therapy and has been consistent in seeking treatment, but did so the night she kissed him before she called me to a whole new level. Nothing life threatening but probably 30+ cuts on her leg. She told me the next morning that she had made the decision to stay with him alone at his house because she wasn't tired when everyone else left, and felt terrible about herself and what happened and I do believe her. But she has a history of lying to me about guys and she was so incredibly upset I'm afraid it was more than just a kiss but didn't tell me because she knew how I would react. I believe she is sincerely sorry for whatever happened, alcohol is no excuse you're right, and I know that definitely but she absolutely crushed me. We were supposed to close the distance in four months. I have been so distraught I want to work things out but I know I may never be able to trust her again to go out anywhere or do anything for a very long time. And neither of us deserve a relationship where we don't trust the other.

[ashdav2010]

In my honest opinion, a kiss is never just a kiss. There's lots of emotion behind it....at least from my perspective. If she's cutting and harming herself, she probably needs to work on bettering herself and continuing her therapy for those issues rather than worry about being in a relationship with anyone. When you are in a relationship with someone you don't put yourself in situations that might start trouble, and it sounds like this ex is just that - trouble. Texting and flirting with other people when your SO isn't there to feed a need of attention is definitely not appropriate either. You don't have to make a decision right this minute, I'd definitely take a bit of time and think about things. Hugs!

[Deleted]

I believe you must think about it and figure out what you feel. Maybe taking a break is a good idea, and maybe she needs some therapy to figure out why does she need so much attention.

This happened to my SO when he was with his ex (they were long distance too). There was this guy who gave trouble a lot and she ended up cheating on him twice or trice and he always forgave her until she broke up with him. I am not saying it will go the same for you, I'm just saying you should analyze the situation deeply. If she loves you and you love her, then she has to find a way to become more emotionally stable and learn to respect her relationship. I've met people who have gone as far with this as to stop drinking, because they know they could do something they don't want to when they are drunk.

Maybe there is an easier way out for her, or maybe it goes as far as talking to a psychologist to solve her attention need. To be honest, most (if not all) girls like male attention to some degree, BUT one must sacrifice that when being in a relationship because it should matter the most.

I say take a break and have her settle down her emotions.

[Black_Halloween]

Its never "only" a kiss.

[Nbaby]

Its never "only" a kiss.

^ This

Sry i dont believe in "it was only a kiss". To me it's just a way to not make it look so bad as it actually is. You either kissed or you didnt kissed. To forgive her is up to you. But it will be hard (not impossible) to trust her again.

[efish1042]

As a complete believer that a good relationship can survive infidelity... this doesn't sound like a good relationship.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

You said it yourself when you said you couldn't trust her. A kiss is only a kiss when it's massively uncharacteristic behaviour. If she's flirting with other guys, and you guys have an argument about it every four months, kissing another guy isn't uncharacteristic.
Look, she isn't stupid, she knows where the line is, and she's crossed it numerous times by flirting with guys behind your back. It might 'only' be a kiss this time, but the pattern of her behaviour suggests that you can pretty much guarantee there'll be a next time. It almost looks like she's seeing how badly she can cheat on you and still keep you.
I think, in all honesty, she's definitely not in the right place to be fully committed to you. She needs time to work on herself and think about what she really wants.
And this is going to sound fairly harsh, but with all the flirting, an never learning from her mistakes, maybe this relationship isn't the right one for her (or you either, obviously). With all your love and patience, she still hasn't learnt. Think about all the things she said she'd do or change when you argued over flirting. Has she actually applied that to future situations? Because if she's wound up kissing another guy, she can't have been applying them to seriously.

[artgrl808]

The best thing to do in this situation is to not do anything rash. The fact that she tried to tell you about the problem proves that she's willing to do something about it. I know you must've been angry, but everyone knows that acting out of anger does nothing but make the problem worse. It's best to cool down and then talk about it. There's nothing like breaking it off without hearing both sides of the story. Overall, it's beneficial to communicate. No communication/cutting them off = doom in itself.

Take a break...then talk it out.
it'll be fine.

Best of luck.