Need help getting over a bump...

[MaggieS]

Okay, this has been a weird thirty or so hours...

For some background: I've been raped twice. Once when I was very little, I thankfully have few memories of it, but it frequently becomes a problem when I'm around men that are much older than me. And then again when I was fourteen(eighteen now, for the record), and that one had a much bigger effect on me, because I can more or less remember all of it.

My SO has a hard time understanding the concept of 'no.' And honestly, that's never been a problem before now. It's only in the bedroom, and I actually kind of like it. I'm bisexual, and I've mostly dated girls of late, and I'm the dominating person in that relationship. Him taking control, it was refreshing. And even though it took him a minute to realize when my 'no' was really serious, it was okay, because he was really apologetic and made sure I was okay afterwards. Most of the time, my 'no's aren't like that, and it's more of a 'convince me' thing.

That was when we were CD. Now, LD, I think it's a lot harder for him to understand a serious no.

Last night he asked me to send him a video of myself doing...well, you know. I told him that I wasn't comfortable seeing myself while I was doing anything like that, and I didn't want to, and yadda yadda, I made it pretty clear, I thought. But he kept pushing the issue. And this had been building for several days (originally pictures, which I didn't mind at all, but the request for a video had been coming up more and more). It wasn't the idea of sending a video that bothered me, I trust him implicitly, and I'm not afraid of him having a video of me. It was exactly what I said: seeing myself in the act made me feel uncomfortable, unsexy, and stupid. A very big mood killer. But he didn't get it, no matter how many times I said it, and I cracked. :/ I just wanted to make him stop, so I made the video, and I sent it to him.

Well, he got the message :/ It was written all over me via body language that I was uncomfortable and pissed, and he apologized numerously. I could tell he was sincere, and that he was really feeling bad over having pressured me. He told me he's working on getting better at listening, and asked me to remind him if he's being a turd again. And honestly, I'm okay now. I wasn't last night, but the fact that he understands how he hurt me and is genuinely sorry for it, that really does make me feel better. And I told him that, and I told him we were okay, and I was okay, I don't know how many times I told him "I'm fine." He didn't believe me, I guess? I even explained to him why it had upset me so much(I don't know if anyone here has experienced this, but having a 'no' ignored with x history...well, it triggered a memory for me.) but as I explained that, I also explained that it wasn't HIS fault that it had upset me so much, and that I didn't blame him for the memory trigger, and that I understood how it can be hard to be understanding and sympathetic when you're sexually frustrated.

And I really do understand that. I know it may seem stupid to some people, or like I'm letting him get away with something, but it's just logical. I haven't been there with him physically for about two weeks now, and we both have a really weird effect on one another...much stronger than we're used to. I don't know how to describe it, but it's problematic for him, he says, in that he can't...finish...watching porn. He wants to watch me. Which is flattering, I admit. So I get it, I really do understand where he's coming from, and I understand how hard it would be to focus on annoying feelings when your body won't let you think. And it's not like he didn't care, as soon as he was(as sad as it is) shocked back into rational thought he felt apologized profusely.

The problem is he isn't moving on. He kept being mopey, so I called him and I could tell that he was still upset. Even after we talked about it(which was really hard for me, because I don't talk about things that I think will upset people) he was still mopey.

I know how to fix this when we're together. It was so easy when he pushed it too far during actual sex and triggered a memory, he held me gently, listened to me, and after he was sure I was done talking, he kissed me, and it was my response to him that convinced both of us we were okay. I know how to fix this without any words at all. But all I have are words now.

What do you think?

[Romeo s Juliet]

I am sorry about the things u had to go through and I understand how this incident has made things shaken up between u guys. I think you need to convince him in a different way, and ask him what things u can say/do to convince/assure him that he dont have to feel sorry, because u are past it

Also I understand ur uncomfortable feeling bout.doing it in front of a camera but keeping.the camera on, and completely trying to forget it being there and trying.to get used that way might help? Thats Just a tip

[mllebamako]

My SO has a hard time understanding the concept of 'no.'

This would really bother/scare me, personally. But you said it wasn't a problem before, so I'll go with that.

Maybe you need to come up with like a "safe word" to use in the future to distinguish your serious "no" from your "convince-me-no". And then you could use it even in a situation like this, where you want him to take you seriously when you say that you're uncomfortable doing something.

As for moving on from this incident, give it a bit more time. This only happened last night and it can be harder to make up after a fight when you are LD. He feels guilty, so give him some more time to feel that emotion.

[Zephii]

mlle beat me there. Safeword!

Two weeks apart seems like a really short time to me for him to get so pushy so fast, but then, everyone's mileage varies I guess.

I think that time is a great healer. At the moment he's probably just disappointed and frustrated, not only is he upset he hurt you/pissed you off, he's also likely unhappy that this is going to be a hard limit for you - that it's not just a no this time, but that videos will always be a no.
Surely there must be some kind of compromise? Would you be fine with making videos only of you playing with your breasts? Or seductively eating a banana/icy poll? (Hilarious I know, but apparently it's hot. I don't understand men ) Something safe? I dunno, I think it's ok to feel a bit silly in the bedroom because well... sex is pretty freaking hilarious, but that's just me.

You said you didn't want to see yourself... is there a way you can make videos where you don't have to see yourself? The few I ever made I did with my phone, and I didn't have to play them back if I didn't want to.

Hmm, or, maybe you could make some sexy voice recordings for him instead. He can listen to you tell him naughty things/ read him erotica/ whatever works for you two and look at your photos and surely that would be enough?

Tell him that you're aware of his needs, that you love him and want to take care of him, then work together to figure out something that's good for you both.

[D.4C]

well...i would say you just need to keep reassuring him...and maybe try some lovey dovey type talk...just to let him know you are truly ok...even if he is in a mopey mood...always be happy and in good spirits when you talk to him...maybe he will start to catch on...that you truly are ok now...time heals all wounds

[Rugger]

As someone who has been a victim of sexual assault in the past, I know how hard it can be to relay it to your new man.

I was blacked out wasted when I told my boyfriend for the first time. He's been really supportive about my hang-ups when it comes to sexual activity. But it took awhile. It wasn't instant.

You need to have a sit down chat with him, away from any thing sexual. You two need to agree on a "safe word" as it were for when you really mean NO. He also needs to understand that NO means NO, that when you say that word, he needs to drop it. You two can then talk about it when everything has cooled off. You need to discuss your hard limits, things you WILL NOT do for him and he need to accept them. My boyfriend knows never to put his hands on my head during oral. It's a hard limit for me. He knows that if he ever wants anal sex, I'm hesitant about it, but under the right circumstances, I'd do it. It's a soft limit for me.

He needs to not take it personally.

[MaggieS]

Thanks everyone for your advice

Also, just some things I wanted to point out because I don't want anyone going away thinking certain things xD

I don't have a problem with him being difficult about 'no's because he and I can pretty much always tell how the other's feeling in the situation(obviously harder to do that now that we're LD), and I trust him not to do anything that would hurt me, and when he can see me, he can tell when somethings hitting a trigger now.

And videos are not a 'hard limit,' as I think Zephii said? It was more of a 'let me get comfortable with it on my own time.' And originally he was [begrudgingly] okay with that, but it's obviously very important to him, and he got pretty cranky about it.

I'm definitely going to have a talk with him about safe words xD I think it's a good idea.

Also, I know two weeks seems short to be acting this way xD But like I said, we have a very profound effect on one another, and it's messing with my emotions too, being unable to touch him. I'm just not as vocal about it as he is :P