Brrrr, Cold Feet! Anyone have any socks for me?

[Lunar Snow]

Hello!

As an update to my posts, I am officially flying to see my boyfriend for 10 days on the 16th of July! YAY!!! Earlier this week, we found a flight that was about $200 cheaper than anything we were looking at, so he has purchased the ticket. This should be good for us and help renew things in proximity and help me to get to know his life.

Money is still a huge issue (and getting a job for two weeks isn't likely), I mean, I had to have a really awkward conversation with him about it again. He says that most of the things we do would be free and that we can cook at home and stuff (which I often find more fun and intimate, anyway...er...except, the guy eats like a bird, except for having one bigger meal a day, and lives off coffee the rest of the time, so I may be going hungry a bit). So, that reassures me, but after he has been thinking about it for a little while, now he is talking about drinks with friends and seeing the sights in a neighbouring and much larger city and I think he will come up with more things that he will want to do and I am sure I will think of things I wish we could do. He has said that he will pay for anything that would be out of my range (I haven't exactly said that my range is pretty much ground-level right now), but that could just breed so many awkward situations! (Money talk is inherently awkard. Like, he finally got so frustrated that he exclaimed "Buying you a dinner is no big deal, as long as I get to see you!"...but I know that this could have maximal weirdness in person) *Sigh* I mean, I am kind of old-fashioned and like for a guy to treat me (though, I do like chances to treat him or to split, but that is very difficult for me right now), but it feels a bit different when he has already paid for my flight. So, I am having trouble even thinking about funds for extra things like a new (or remade--thanks for the cool idea! ) outfit and a thank you present for him/ a nice to meet you present for his parents. Aside from food, I am shocked to find that ALL the airlines charge $25 each way for checking ONE bag. Plus, I will need health insurance for travel. I feel like a total dreamer, because these things didn't even figure into my mind when I was feeling that the cost of the flight was daunting earlier in the summer. So, my parents will (reluctantly) lend me a little money (and I don't know how much yet), but they can't afford very much (and it makes it worse because my Mom doesn't want me to go and is really down on the whole LDR thing and my Dad and I don't often get along well, so I will have to bite me tongue for some time to come). Still worried about my job prospects, too--there are lots of "what-ifs" and "will-I-miss-outs" floating around in my mind, but I do still want to see him.

So...I don't know if it is the money thing that is making me feel so anxious and deflated (in combo with a family who doesn't want me to leave and a Mom, particularly who thinks this relationship is going no where, and insecurities about appearance from a summer of lounging), but I am feeling really uncertain about this visit and rather uncertain about he and I. This is what we both wanted and needed, but why am I feeling like there is this big wedge between us now? The past couple of days, I have been avoiding coming online and answering his calls and I am not really sure why. Plus, I am being a bit over-sensitive to him, maybe. He's acting a bit like he did when he arranged his visit to me last time--getting on with other things and having less time and less of a desire to talk to me. In some ways that makes sense, but in other ways that makes me feel like a loose end to tie up and not his girlfriend (and a day before we bought the ticket, he wanted me to be more excited about coming, so I suggested a few (free) things I would like to see there and he snapped at me and said "You don't have to plan everything out, you know." ...I think that was a bit of a personality clash/ he was grumpy and since then he has actually had to think about planning things a little more, but it did hurt my feelings and now I am afraid to get excited and suggest things).

[Bluestars]

I know how it feels to be poor lol! I SO thinks I am very "conservative" with money, but he doesn't get that I do not have a choice! It is the way I was raised and I make way less money than him! So I kind kind of relate to you

If I were you, I would try to stop worrying about it and just look forward to the visit. The only reason your SO bought the plane ticket is because he wants to see you If it makes you feel bad that he is paying for you, just try to remind yourself that there are other ways to show love and support in a relationship. You could make him a crafty present to say thank you or bake him some brownies (something in that nature). Also, just remind yourself that when you have more money when you get a real job, you can help out more. For example, my SO has bought me several tickets, but I am going to pay for half of the next one to help out because I have a summer job.

As for the $25 check bag fee....do you HAVE to bring a check bag? I quit using them as soon as you had to pay extra for them. Now I just pack all of my stuff in one suitcase and my backpack (which I use as my laptop bag and stick my purse in it as well). I fill them both up as much as possible, and it fits all that I need. If you have to use a lot of clothes, you can use vacuum bags that suck all of the air out I have saved a ton of money doing that

Also, do you really have to get the health insurance for travel >.< I do not know if it is required for some people, but I have never gotten it!

Best of wishes!

[Zephii]

Ok, I think you're worrying too much! Take a big deep breath. ^^

Seriously, it's just money. You can get more. He can get more. You'll both likely be working for another 40 years or maybe more. Money is a resource, and there are resources that can replace money when need be... What I'm getting at here is money doesn't have to be a big deal. Look at the other resources you both have available to compensate.

I'm not sure if you remember back on the old forum, last sept-jan, when Obi was staying in my country, relying on me... I lost everything. I lost my job and our place to stay a week before I had my final exams. I had only social security/welfare money to get us through, and I couldn't claim him as dependant (legal visa stuffs). My sister stepped up and gave us a place to stay (her loungeroom floor - no mattress, just blankets.) It's very hard to keep someone entertained for that long when you don't have the money to put food on the table every night, but, we managed it. And it's hard not to feel like your less of a person when you can't provide the basics of food and shelter, letalone leisure activities and pretty clothing. But I assure you, our relationship didn't suffer for it. We learnt a lot about each other and how in the future we are likely to face any unexpected financial challenges.

You've made your financial situation clear to him - you don't have money. If I remember right you recently finished studying, which is a very good reason why you don't have money, nothing to be ashamed of. So if he wants to do something you can't pay for say "I'd love you, but you'll have to cover it for me" or something similar. Obi and I developed a system, and now I just say "Put it on my tab?" and he knows eventually I'll pay him back. It might be in 6 months or more but eventually, he'll get it. And there are times when he doesn't want to be manly and pay, and I'll shout us both. It just depends who's doing well at the time. Right now, that's not you... but things could change and next visit you might pay for everything.

Don't let money be a big deal! Just enjoy the time you have ^^;

It's a shame the people around you aren't as supportive as need be, but hopefully in time that too will change. Hang in there!!

[Zephii]

Blue stars - I wanted to say "don't get the health cover" too, but I was too chicken lol. Good on you for encouraging people to take risks!
And you're so right about the other ways to show love and support in relationships... damn, and now I want brownies...

[Yei&Jon]

Ok, I think you're worrying too much! Take a big deep breath. ^^

Seriously, it's just money. You can get more. He can get more. You'll both likely be working for another 40 years or maybe more. Money is a resource, and there are resources that can replace money when need be... What I'm getting at here is money doesn't have to be a big deal. Look at the other resources you both have available to compensate.

I'm not sure if you remember back on the old forum, last sept-jan, when Obi was staying in my country, relying on me... I lost everything. I lost my job and our place to stay a week before I had my final exams. I had only social security/welfare money to get us through, and I couldn't claim him as dependant (legal visa stuffs). My sister stepped up and gave us a place to stay (her loungeroom floor - no mattress, just blankets.) It's very hard to keep someone entertained for that long when you don't have the money to put food on the table every night, but, we managed it. And it's hard not to feel like your less of a person when you can't provide the basics of food and shelter, letalone leisure activities and pretty clothing. But I assure you, our relationship didn't suffer for it. We learnt a lot about each other and how in the future we are likely to face any unexpected financial challenges.

You've made your financial situation clear to him - you don't have money. If I remember right you recently finished studying, which is a very good reason why you don't have money, nothing to be ashamed of. So if he wants to do something you can't pay for say "I'd love you, but you'll have to cover it for me" or something similar. Obi and I developed a system, and now I just say "Put it on my tab?" and he knows eventually I'll pay him back. It might be in 6 months or more but eventually, he'll get it. And there are times when he doesn't want to be manly and pay, and I'll shout us both. It just depends who's doing well at the time. Right now, that's not you... but things could change and next visit you might pay for everything.

Don't let money be a big deal! Just enjoy the time you have ^^;

It's a shame the people around you aren't as supportive as need be, but hopefully in time that too will change. Hang in there!!

^ This. ^^

I've been in this situation. In fact, I still am. The first and only time I've been with my SO, he payed for everything, well, his parents did. :/

He wants me to stay with him the whole month of September, and again, they'd be the ones paying for it which makes me feel awful for the fact that I feel like I'm mooching off of them. I know, and I've told myself that I WILL pay them back once I find a job but at the same time, I'm worried as to how long that's going to take.

My SO tells me not to worry about that, but it can't be helped. I wouldn't like to be seen as something that I'm not. Hopefully once I get back from the trip, I'll start the job hunt since I'll be done with school and maybe it'll be a little easier.

[Lunar Snow]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for your responses and I am glad that I have found people who can identify with me. It gives me some courage to read what you have to say. ...and, yes, I do have a good reason for being low on funds. Right now, I am just trying to put the money stress somewhat out of mind, but I know another parental discussion is looming! I like using humour a bit, too, so I will keep "put that on my tab" in mind for the next time I feel awkard about it. Looking at one (or a couple) thing at a time, and right now the bags and insurance come to mind. No matter what, my family wants me to get the insurance. As for the bags, where would I buy the vacuum packing for cheap? The only store I found it at so far has a pack for around $25. If I have to buy a smaller suitcase, at the cheapest, that would likely range from $25-60. So, I am considering still checking a bag, since I think it would be $50 total. I really like the idea of showing my love in an alternative way--I really like to draw and paint. So, I was thinking of painting him something and framing it to bring there. Trouble is, that weighs down my bag, too, so it is looking like I may need to check a bag. Maybe this is silly, but do airlines charge you again for lay-overs? Both ways, I have one stop...so, if I have to pay for getting on a new plane, then it will be $100!

[Bluestars]

They do not charge you for layovers for check bags, just twice if you are going roundtrip. I do not know where you get the vacuum bags for cheaper, but keep in mind that whatever you get, it will be an investment if you plan on flying again, so it might be worth it. For instance, if you buy a small bag to check for thirty dollars, you will never have to check a bag again. You might also know people who have luggage that you can borrow, like your family or friends. I have borrowed luggage from one of my best friends before when I forgot it, and it saved me a ton of money.

As for the painting, I made my SO a painting once on paper and rolled it into a tube I bought at the local post office for a dollar or two, which fit into my carry-on bag. I didn't even want to worry about framing it because I didn't want the glass to break in my suitcase. If you did something like that, you could just buy a frame in his town and frame it there.