Does taking a break ever work?

[Andi]

Well...we are still together...sort of. he just left from a visit I paid for. He told me when we close the distance that he wanted me to get my own place instead of moving in with him (he wanted to tell me in person...great with the $400 flight i paid for...nice).

Small background note: He told me 6 or 7 months ago that i could move in with him. it was when things were starting to go downhill. I told him it was too expensive where he lives for me to get a place by myself and that I'm not going to be able to move. He said of course you are going to live with me. the reason i will be so short on funds is because I have to improvements on my house before I could rent it out.

So for the last 6 months I have been killing myself to get the improvements done. I am about 3/4 finished at this point. i work over 40 hours at my day job and then have been putting in 20-25 hours on the weekends, doing the work myself because i am not a wealthy person.

Long story short...we have been fighting a lot and half breaking up. i am at such a loss. I'm so in love with him and I believe he is so in love with me but it's not fair that i am having to shoulder ALL the expense and effort because i am the one moving. I was planning on moving there anyway just no where near this soon because I knew it would take a while to wrap it up here and I needed money to live on for at least a few months while I got settled. My plan was to sell my house as is and live on that money the 1st year while I was getting established.

Now I have spent all my moving money fixing the house because I had a place to live. Now he is saying he doesn't want to F it all up by us moving in together (we have been together LDR for 14 months now) and that i need to get my own place. Of course I freaked out...pretty bad too. We have already been on such rocky terms and i am at a loss. i was so heartbroken. Anyway he left a few days ago and I am still so upset. It's easy when all the work and struggle is done for you. i would love to afford a place of my own but because i had a place i now have no money for it. I tried to explain all this to him and he just doesn't get it.

My last ditch effort is to take a month long break with no communication at all. Live as though you were single. I told him if anything intimate happens for him to be safe about it and never tell me. I really want him to see what life is like without me and for me to see the same. i think that after a month of being single we will both know what we really want. I'm waiting for his reply to see if he is game.

Does anyone think this is a good? Is this a bad idea?

It may not matter, we may just be over, and if so I will live and I will get over it.

Thanks

[snow_girl]

I don't think a break is the solution in this case. Cutting contact with him isn't going to make him magically want you to move in. His nerves are high, moving in IS a big deal even if it is common practice these days. I understand his worries and I think this requires talking and understanding his fears rather then cutting him off completely. He didn't say he doesn't want you to move closer. Yea it sucks that you are short money now so maybe that means you'll need to postpone the move a bit? I don't think he has said these things to be mean and leave you in a hard spot.

[Zephii]

Well, you're doing it now, so good or bad, it is what it is. It's done.

From a third party standpoint I'm wondering what the issues that have your relationship on the rocks in the first place is, because closing the distance will not solve your problems. It doesn't work like that unless your only issue is the distance, and that doesn't seem to be the case here.

What's the rush to move up there? The renovations on your house are a good thing. Property is an asset after all and renting it out means two things - income, and a place to return to if things go pear shaped.

Work on your other problems, then think about the move?

[tanaquil]

I agree with Zephii 100%. It's hard to predict what a break is going to do with a relationship but, if you both think it's the best thing to do, then perhaps it's a good idea. I agree with theories that breaks are good and I also agree with the 'having a break doesn't solve anything'. I really think you should just think about your problems -- but not TOO much, as that may cause you to "overthink" and start thinking unreasonable thoughts (this sounds stupid, I know, but it's something I've dealt with before so just warning you!).