Pool Party of Doom: How Can I Avoid a Friend of His I Don't Like?

[Lunar Snow]

The title is a bit sensationalistic, but it was fun! (Plus, I finally watched I am Legend last night and if I didn't think mannequins were super creepy before, now I do O.O; ).

A few days ago, I decided to be more upbeat about the visit to my SO. He started getting in to listing cool events and I followed suit (since my efforts before had been met by some criticism). It was lots of fun...UNTIL...he started talking about, well, let's call her "G." I have never spoken to "G," but I already detest her (*Extra description warning*Snapshot of evil G: any time he mentions our relationship, she brushes it off and asks what he and she will be doing together, he was being super camera shy/ stubborn on his first trip to meet me...and pictures are very important to me...yet she is constantly posting photos to Facebook of him or of him and their friends together and they are almost always standing together and he is cooperating for the photo, I have a great suspicion that she is the one he took the dance classes with and won't tell me about, etc. Basically, he has reassured me...after several tiffs, that he is not romantically into his female besties, including her, and never was...but that information was like pulling teeth. So, even if I am not jealous on his part, I am on hers...and even if I don't need to be jealous, I get a very REAL and supported sense that she is out to compete with me in some way and doesn't want his attention on me*End of extra description*). He said that he had told the three female friends that I would be coming, but instead of saying they were excited, or what have you, he started talking about G. He said that G is house-sitting for a "rich doctor" (quoting her) and could invite friends over for a pool party. He then asked me in a very passive aggressive way if I would "maybe" be interested. I was fuming! I tried to mask my irritation by saying that I would be uncomfortable using someone's house like that, but he countered that she had permission. Then, followed it up with saying, again passively aggressively, that it would be okay if we didn't go (but it was one of those situations where I could tell he wanted to). Luckily, one of my best friends was online and trying to calm me down, but in the process, I ignored him a bit and he then asked if I was "feeling okay". I think he already knew I would be uncomfortable with it, you see.

Reasons I don't want to go:
1. It's someone else's house, even if he gave permission for a few friends.
2. I don't really feel swimsuit ready...at all.
3. No matter what anyone says, I am going to be super jealous meeting my boyfriend's friends (especially G...since there is so much weirdness), while he is ogling them in bikinis. Bad, bad idea!
3. I don't like G (and when I have told others about her escapades, they agree that she is up to something). (My friend did point out that it would be a great time to observe him around groups of friends and how he acts around other girls, but I am confident this situation just spells doom for me and for our relationship on the visit...and that outweighs any benefit).
4. I am coming to see him and meet close friends and family along the way, not to be analysed by all of G's friends.
5. Pool parties don't really impress me. I live by the O-C-E-A-N.
6. I like swimming, but I am not that strong a swimmer and I could end up being really bored and left behind if they go off doing more elaborate things (and I don't have the desire to bake on the deck when I burn so easily).
7. I like people, but I feel rather uncomfortable when I have to meet a large group of people all at once.

I have had some suggestions as to how to get out of the pool party, but I am afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg and there will be more requests like this and, particularly, more of G trying to throw a spanner in the works. Tips about gracefully and respectably avoiding the pool party would still be good (especially since I think she is laying in wait and ready to pounce on my excuse), but I would REALLY like to know how to get out of seeing G as much as possible (I know it is inevitable, but if I must, I would like it to be on terms where I would feel most comfortable and where a lot of my couple time with him isn't being burned up or steered towards fighting).

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm totally with you on the standards of that party. For one, I'm pretty sure she's lying about having permission. If it were my house I'd have a 'just you, no one else in there' rule established. Even if she DOES have permission it's still pretty sketchy inviting a bunch of people over for various reasons.

I know she's your SO's friend, but the G person doesn't exactly sound like the type of person who would be nice when you met. Girls can be super critical and downright mean to each other over guys and if she's looking to drive a wedge, that's the place that'll do it since she can pass judgment in person. Of course it's a double-edged sword since she'll probably say things about you not wanting to go/dragging him away from the party.

Fact of the matter is you're there to see him. It's natural he'd want you to meet his friends and have a good time with them, but that is not something that should be required of you. The reasons may sound stupid but tell him why you don't want to go, that you don't think you'd be able to handle meeting so many people at once, much less this G who you don't feel comfortable around. If he wants to huff and pout, let him. You shouldn't have to compromise time you've made for him to be in an awkward and stressful situation. It won't kill him to miss one party considering he's around them more than you. You're not asking him to choose her over you, but I think he needs to shift his priorities a bit.

[Lunar Snow]

Yay! Thanks for your response (I always look forward to what you have to say. )

YES! Even if he did say she could have some friends over, I can't imagine him giving lots of potentially intoxicated 20-somethings to flounder around in his pool when he isn't there--I sure wouldn't want that (hello property damage, not to mention a potential lawsuit if someone gets hurt).

No kidding. She's a troll, but I am very sure that if I told my SO her behaviour was rude, he would take her side...which is really disappointing (when she first brushed off that he and I were dating to see where he would take her...I stewed about it forever until I finally told him the issue and said that I felt she was being "bratty" and that it hurt my feelings that such a close friend of his was acting like that (which was an understatement, if you ask me)...and he really flipped out, until I semi took it back/ threatened that his over-the-top/ cold/ unsupportive reaction could spell a break-up). Anyhow, I am not flattering him very well--he does have good points, too! I know very well that girls can be critical and nasty to each other over guys--I have had a similar experience with girls who I was friends with since elementary school, so I feel qualified to sense a similar cataclysm unfolding. Not only would it be judgement passing, but while half-naked with strangers (I try not to man bash, but most guys, including my SO, are kind of clueless about these sorts of situations until they actually happen)! Yes, it is a double-edged sword (and I think she has home team advantage, as well), so I have to be very careful about what I say and how I react.

That last paragraph is perfect!!! Thank you. Although I have heard some different ideas, the general consensus (and my favoured) on a plausible excuse is to say something like "I'm here to see you and I know it is important for you to have me meet your close friends. I feel overwhelmed by meeting a lot of new people, at once, in this situation and do not want to attend." What/ how you said it, though, made me feel sane in how I am feeling.

I still haven't figured out a way to get out of more time spent around G, but I suppose that meeting her once at least is necessary and shows she is curious enough to see me--perhaps it would be a bigger slight if she refused to (but I would bet that that would never happen, given her vendetta).

I am pretty nervous, overall, but when he says how sarcastic his family's sense of humour is and how that group of four best friends likes to "give the inquisition" to each other's SOs (not to mention G's trollness), I'm living in dread! I think I will have to make a list of pros for going, or something, because this dread over going is getting pretty bad.

[LadyMarchHare]

Not to mention possible theft if this man is, indeed, rich. You're already putting your possessions in the hands of someone else and trusting they won't make off with even a butter knife. I always find the people that use someone else's home like that to be downright rude.

I can understand his reasoning to defend her to a point. She is his friend and ultimately he knows her better than you do, but at the same time he doesn't need to be so quick to be her white knight and call you out for it. Your feelings matter as well and if you feel she's offending you or looking to pick you apart for something, he needs to be the referee and see both ends here. And yes, guys can be pretty clueless about certain situations until it's going on and by then it's too late to stop what may be a cat fight. The uneven ground, so to speak, is what bothers me with this situation. You're entering her territory, around people she knows, and ultimately you're going to have to hold your tongue and smile while inwardly wringing her neck. It's inevitable that you two will have to meet, but there's a lot of pressure in that situation alone and adding her and whatever she may or may not start would null and void your time. The ideal meeting would be some small place like a cafe or his home where she wouldn't have to stay long and you could at least feel somewhat secure.

See, I'm heavily sarcastic and I often use dry humor when I speak but I know when not to use it or at least tone it down. I've also done those 'inquisitions' on my best friend's boyfriends, but I'm sure my version is nothing like what that's implying. I think it's natural for friends to scope out who their friends are dating to make sure they're not users or have some major character flaw they know won't sit well, but anything like grilling and driving the SO into panic is going too far. There's a line of what is and isn't their business and if they cross it then you may need to steer clear of them. And that's what bothers me the most, this is stacking up some hefty cons for you when there should be a plethora of pros on the list. I'm not sure if he'd take to defending them as well but do you think you would be able to ask him to request they tone it down for you without starting a fight? I know it seems like it would give them more reason to pick at you, but they have to understand the circumstances are different here. You're not the average girlfriend who lives across town and could simply huff and go home. You're from another place entirely and you've planned meeting him for longer than this party's been known about and you're entering uncharted territory. If they can't be sensitive to that then I think they need a few more hugs in their lives, honestly.

It's super hard to be strong on your opinion when the one you're holding it up against is someone you love and would take it the wrong way or act terrible about it. But again it's your time with him. The friends are a side dish for now, so to speak. They're an option and should be flexible so that you don't regret making the trip.

[Lunar Snow]

*Explodes* Just thought I would update you that...oh, I guess around this time last week I finally got down to just saying that I was nervous about the family and friends thing. As for the pool party, it hard turned out that he had realized, afterword, that it wasn't a good idea with all those other people there. So, that conversation, although a little awkward, was actually really helpful. However, by that point I was on a tirade about G and I totally launched into asking about why she always has all these pictures of him and I have like 3 (I didn't think to mention her comments on the photos at the time), how it is bizarre that we don't seem to like each other and haven't even met/ his other best friends seem to be open to and excited to meet me (and if it was unique to me or if she had done that before), and whether or not there had ever been anything between the two. I couldn't bite my tongue! Oh man. After a long conversation, he said that he mostly avoids pictures and someone has to know him for a long time to get him to pose for pictures...though he is trying to be more open to it for me (gee, thanks a lot?), they were incompatible and something romantic had never been tried because he just couldn't feel that way (and he didn't think that she was interested in him romantically...what does that mean? I can't think of many other reasons why she is being like this), but avoided/ couldn't come up with an answer to why she is weird toward me. After all of that, he almost thought we should avoid meeting up with her, BUT...I feel the reverse now, actually. Definitely don't want to meet her, but now I really must meet her. Am I way off base or does she have a thing for him? I know, I know...I sound like a jealous hag...but I am tired of wasting my time arguing about her and him saying I don't have to worry...and then spending days having strained our relationship, but then I find comments that make me do think she may claw my eyes out if we meet and make me feel like he isn't being completely honest with me. I need a sense of how they interact and why she might be feeling so antagonistic, because I feel like she and I could at least be civil to each other if this is resolved and I will either negate (hopefully) or confirm some of my suspicions, so I can stop feeling like I'm taking a paddle in the deep end about this.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well at the very least the party's not gonna happen for you so that's some weight off right there. As for the photo thing, that seems a bit dumb, and this is coming from someone who hates being in front of the camera. I posed for pictures with friends maybe a couple times a year but when I began dating my SO and he asked for more pictures, I obliged. I wasn't taking any nudes or anything, just general pictures. I always hate how I look in photos, but I think it's silly to not give your SO at least a couple pictures whether together or not. You want something to look back on and smile about. I don't know why he has to feel like he has to know the person forever to do take a picture, that seems absurd to me. Granted I wouldn't take pics with someone I met yesterday but you guys have been going long enough it shouldn't be a timeline race just for a damn .jpeg image.

And from what you've told me, I can say G has some sort of thing for your guy. There's a line between protective friend and protective wannabe-girlfriend. My SO's ex-best friend was like that, though she treated me nicely before we dated because she didn't see me as competition. But her behavior was very similar even though she was online since she lives near the west coast and we're both in the south. After he told her we were dating, I was physically threatened and she had to bite her tongue to be nice to me because she'd seen him naked before, she knew this, this, and this about him, they were friends longer, she was willing to suck his dick or whatever. Point being you're probably going to get pulled aside and read the "if you hurt him I'll kill you" speech and be hit with double-meanings left and right so she sounds nice but isn't, if she doesn't outright go for the jugular right off the bat. She doesn't sound nice nor does she sound like someone who would share a house with you, much less this guy. All I can say is go for meeting her, possibly in a public place, and be so nice it'll give her cavities. That's super hard, especially if you're prone to wanting the last word like me, but you're trying to not give her a valid reason to come after you with all she has. She can hate you all she wants for being his girlfriend, but it'll annoy her to no end if she can't justify hating you as a person. The idea of seeing how they interact is very good since I doubt he'd change up any usual behavior since he believes she doesn't like him and she may just lay it on thick.

Hon that's a seriously screwed up situation with that girl and your SO's not being of much help. Everyone has their faults but it seems like he needs to be popped upside the head with something so he can open his eyes and either fix what needs fixing or reorganize his priorities.