Is it really over?

[matt0680]

I just talked with my SO and she said that she did not want a loving distance relationship with me anymore, but this is now the second time it has happened, the first time we had a fight about it but a month later we were happy in an ldr again..i didnt convince her or anything, she just came back..loving me. she thinks its impossible to ever be together, im from europe and she is in south america. she said the love was real, we made eachother happy, but the rest of the relationship was 'fake', as in it cant be a propper relationship untill we are together. and that noone can be happy forever in an ldr, well shes right there.

but the thing is shes being to serious with me,because i was taking the relationship to seriously.. i cant even remember the last time we shared a joke together
because of this its not really making her happy

i respected her wishes, and i just want her to be happy

i know deep down that she loves me, i love her to with all my heart but i really have no idea what to do, i really need some good advice, i dont really know how to deal with it this time.. thanks alot everyone

[LadyMarchHare]

I understand her feeling like you two will never be together in the same place and stay there, especially when you're in two different continents like that. However, and this is my opinion, no part of a long distance relationship is fake. I know others don't feel the same but to me it doesn't make it real just because you can physically go on a date or hold hands. You cannot go your entire life with someone just talking online, no, but nothing is forever, nothing is set in stone. If she thinks it's fake, then she should be working towards making it all real, even if it takes years. If you feel that strongly then you'll bear that weight.

I hate to say take time apart or leave her because no one ever wants to do that. Do you know if she's been under any sort of stress? That may be the culprit. I know my SO is currently working 7am-Midnight shifts 7 days a week and when we talk he tells me he feels our relationship is hopeless sometimes because all the stress and negativity from work leaks into what is making him happy. Have either of you made plans to visit the other or talked about working towards a visit even if it takes a while? Maybe even talking about planning to live somewhere together eventually could put a bit of hope in her heart. It sounds like her stress has put some on you, which may be why you two haven't been joking around or acting very casual. There might be something wrong on her end. I don't know if you would be able to help, but giving support is better than floundering cluelessly.

If not, let her have space to gather herself and think and simply let her know that, whatever her decision is, you are there for her and you do love her and will do what it takes to make her happy even if it means it isn't with you.

[matt0680]

Well thats a good point you made there, shes never been happy about where she is currently living, its not her real home, and its more hard for her to make friends because they are different, she only had to move because her mom didnt like the city, thats where all her real friends are so shes online everynight trying to keep in contact with them. but after she finishes school she will move back around march 2011, we both decided from then on it would be better to visit then

[LadyMarchHare]

That might be the problem then. She feels out of place and even her friends are long distance. (I know how it feels, my best friend's an hour's drive away and I only see her once every few months) So it may just be she feels like nothing she needs is there in person and it's hopeless. But at least she knows she's going back where she feels like she belongs, so I think for now is just the hard time of trying to keep her spirits up.

[matt0680]

Last night i told her that i loved her and will always be there to support her ,we have both not said it for like a month now, but i really didnt get a reply from her.but apparently she claims she said 'i love you' to often, but now she wont say it atall.. maybe it was bad timing, she really does not seem herself for quite awhile now, which is stressing me out to. im stuck inbetween thinking wether its a personal thing she has against me, or stress, or the actual distance, maybe its all of those things. this is a tricky situation

[LadyMarchHare]

That really is tricky. I know to some saying "I love you" all the time can get boring or make it feel like it loses its meaning. You could try expressing it indirectly by doing little things for her, I'm not sure if there's anything you can do or know how to do that might work. It also may be intimidating because she's so confused about where she wants to be in her life right now. It's really hard knowing your SO is unhappy and not being able to help beyond words, and that's even if you know what's wrong. Do you know any of her friends at all? If so, you might try asking them if they know anything you don't.

[Riyko]

not to be nosey, but what country in South America is she from?

[matt0680]

chile, currently in the north

[matt0680]

i dont know any of her friends either else yeah i would ask them, yea i think saying that i love her didnt help much, well yesterday i told her that i got a nice birthday card for her which is in a few months time , but she didnt really appreciate it..not even thanks :S

[Riyko]

My SO is from Chile (we both met studying in Canada) and so is another member on the forums. It seems like if she is away from everyone she cares about she may just really be depressed about it or maybe someone in her family has tried to talk her out of being in the relationship. Maybe she feels it won't work because of the distance or even how long it will be until you guys can see each other. She may also feel that it could have something to do with your ages, if she feels you guys are too young, ect.

I would talk to her and ask her why exactly she says she doesn't want to be a long distance relationship with you anymore, maybe it will open up some discussion about what she really feels or whats really bothering her.