Newbie(to LFAD, not to being in an LDR) in relationship with woman that has OCD

[Chris516]

Hello, I am Newbie to LDAF, but not to being in an LDR.

I have been presently, in an LDR, for five years. I live the Maryland suburbs of DC. She lives in New Mexico. I am 45, she is 46. I was planning to move out there, the first year. Her parents even had a spare house we could live in. We looked at it. I was eager to move in to the spare house, which was only a few miles from the main house. But it has never materialized. Her mother was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma before we met. Then she told me that because of her parents' age(81 n' 74 respectively), that she wanted to stay with them, but she still wanted to have a relationship with me. That is still the case, today. I have stuck it out, because of two previous (and terribly bad) experiences.

But what gave me pause this year, was when a dear 'online' friend nearly died in July. So in August, instead of flying out to New Mexico, I chose to stay home so my online friend could get a hold of me, as she recuperated from major surgery.(Yes, I know, even my friend said I should have gone out there) One of the biggest problems that has become worse over the years, is communication. In the beginning, we were on the phone 5-6hrs. a night, since I have free nights n' weekends on my cell phone plan. As the years have progressed, the communication has become less n' less. Our avenues of communication are phone, e-mail, Yahoo IM, and Facebook. But now I rarely see/hear anything from her.

I don't know what to do. Please give me some feedback?

[H.Mikenzi]

First, Welcome to LFAD! There's a huge support group here and I am sure you'll get some great advice along the way. Second, have you told her how you're feeling about the lack of communication? Does she know it bothers you? I know that might sound silly, but sometimes we don't know these things unless our SO directly tells us about those feelings/thoughts. I can completely understand both of you wanting to be there for your parents, but I think that at some point there's got to be some kind of compromise on one side or the other. If her parents have the spare house, why would it not be able to be a reality for the two of you to move into it? Is it just because of your mother's health or is there more to it? Is there something that is keeping you from making the move to close the distance? I think that perhaps you need to do a little searching within yourself and then ask her about it, see how she feels truly about it, and where she thinks things sit with the two of you. Depending on what she says, the two of you can go from there and either move forward with your relationship or cut the ties and move on with your lives if this isn't the right route for the two of you. I hope everything works out for you!!

[Chris516]

First, Welcome to LFAD! There's a huge support group here and I am sure you'll get some great advice along the way. Second, have you told her how you're feeling about the lack of communication? Does she know it bothers you? I know that might sound silly, but sometimes we don't know these things unless our SO directly tells us about those feelings/thoughts. I can completely understand both of you wanting to be there for your parents, but I think that at some point there's got to be some kind of compromise on one side or the other. If her parents have the spare house, why would it not be able to be a reality for the two of you to move into it? Is it just because of your mother's health or is there more to it? Is there something that is keeping you from making the move to close the distance? I think that perhaps you need to do a little searching within yourself and then ask her about it, see how she feels truly about it, and where she thinks things sit with the two of you. Depending on what she says, the two of you can go from there and either move forward with your relationship or cut the ties and move on with your lives if this isn't the right route for the two of you. I hope everything works out for you!!

I have repeatedly told her about the communication issue. She keeps saying she will work on being more communicative. But I communicate more with an 'online' friend, than I do my fiance. I can't even get a hold of her most of the time. She is the one that wants' to be there for her parents, which is why I had asked to look at their second house. So, I would be the one making the major move, not her. My parents' drive me nuts. The only reason I live with one of them, is because of the U.S. economy. My mother has something called Fuchs Dystrophy. It is her mother that has the Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

[H.Mikenzi]

Okay, so the hesitation seems to be on her end, am I understanding that correctly? I mean, if it were me and my parents were in failing health and I was having a hard time coping with it, I would definitely want my SO to be there with me for the support.

[Moon]

Your post is kind of a hard one to respond to, if you search through all the threads here, communication, especially the frequency of, is probably the most posted about subject on the site. You've been LDR for five years, which is a long time in LDR-land, it could be that your relationship is fizzling out, or it could be that she's really resentful that you didn't visit, choosing your "online friend" over her (I'd resent that), or she could just be having a really busy time at the moment. You don't say how often you do communicate, so it's difficult to advise anything. The only thing I can think of is to go see her as soon as you can, and see if you have something you both want to continue with. Good luck.

[Chris516]

Okay, so the hesitation seems to be on her end, am I understanding that correctly? I mean, if it were me and my parents were in failing health and I was having a hard time coping with it, I would definitely want my SO to be there with me for the support.

Believe me, I want to be there with her, as they are aging. But, I am not going to move 1800mi. to be in the same city, yet never see her. Her OCD is such that, it takes her three times as long to get ready, before she can walk out the front door of the house. That is not the problem. It is the lack of communication and not being able to see her.

[Chris516]

Your post is kind of a hard one to respond to, if you search through all the threads here, communication, especially the frequency of, is probably the most posted about subject on the site. You've been LDR for five years, which is a long time in LDR-land, it could be that your relationship is fizzling out, or it could be that she's really resentful that you didn't visit, choosing your "online friend" over her (I'd resent that), or she could just be having a really busy time at the moment. You don't say how often you do communicate, so it's difficult to advise anything. The only thing I can think of is to go see her as soon as you can, and see if you have something you both want to continue with. Good luck.

Yes, It definitely is, for being in LDR-land. Communication is always spotty, at best. There are certainly enough avenues to communicate(Facebook, e-mail, Yahoo IM, phone). Yet every avenue can go unanswered for days. I am thinking the same thing, about going out there, ASAP. One other problem, is her mother(Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma). I have told her mother several years in row, that she does not need to 'entertain' us. But she still thinks she does. While I am grateful for some of the places she has taken us that neither of us would be able to get to without her driving(neither of us drive), it has been getting on my nerves. A drivers' license is not a necessity, in order to be 'entertained. I never ask her mother to drive us any where. I have a feeling, there is something, that they have never told me, individually and/or, collectively, as to why her mother thinks she needs to 'entertain' us.

Oh well, C'est la vie(such is life)