I couldn't find a better place to post this - I'm scared of being at home

[Aaron]

I really need help now. I'm very happy with my SO and things are going great, but we have a problem that constantly crops up. That is my alcoholic abusive dad.

He's a tyrant who restricts on times I can talk to my SO by emotionally blackmailing me to do what he wants or he turns the Internet off. I'm unemployed, so she keeps me sane and a lack of real social interaction means this is the only way I can talk to my friends. He complains to me about my use of electricity when he turns a blind eye to the rest of my family and always focuses on me. He criticizes my relationship with my SO on a very regular basis and uses his brawn and ignorance to get his own way. He takes away everything that makes me happy in my life and isn't afraid to destroy me. He nearly hit me today. He nearly punched me and threatened that he wasn't afraid to knock me out. I'm now scared to be in my own home. My SO is the only thing that makes me feel safe and it's my little safe haven away from this man who I don't see as my dad anymore. It's amazing how some days with him, we have a great time together, but some days he is incredibly abusive to me. He always picks on me because I don't have a job and he always turns a blind eye to the things that my sister does wrong and such. He's picking on me and there's nothing I can do about it. He's slowly choking my relationship with my SO and ruining everything that makes me happy in my life. It's not like I don't do things in my day. I write, I sketch, I podcast, I do videos, I look for work, I try and improve my skills as and when I can. I've shown him what I can do and he's impressed that I'm trying to make money and keep myself busy, but he still thinks it isn't enough. He drinks constantly in the evenings, around 6-7.5 units of alcohol a night when he isn't working, every night. I can't leave because I literally have nowhere to go. I don't have a job so I can't afford a place of my own, but if I stay here I stay scared and I suffocate and - oh God, I'm so scared. Everything I like in life feels like it's been drained away because of this horrible man. And there's nothing I can do. I need help. He's making me depressed and he gives me panic attacks and makes my anxiety issues so much harder to deal with. He's ignorant and I can't reason with him, and he knows this and he utterly loves it. He's completely unfair to me over everyone else and I just feel like a dog that he can kick for no reason when he feels like it. I'm really trying to make him happy and make things good, but I literally just can't reason with him and I feel like it's just killing me. I can't get out of here because I'm trapped. I'm trapped behind this abuse and I can't do anything. He makes money for the house, so I can't tell somebody and get them to do something. Plus, everyone will turn on me and he'll just come back and hurt even more. I'm scared one day he'll just come in and beat me up. Please. I'm desperate. I need help more than ever.

[Aaron]

I've just spoken to my mom and she seems to not understand how hard it is to get a job today. She's worked pretty much every day since 1985/86, but when I say it's hard to find work today and I'm trying hard, she just can't accept it. My dad is spinning lies to her, I know that for a fact, and she just accepts it because she doesn't want arguments and shouting. I'm honestly stuck.

[Honour]

I can truly sympathise with you, having witnessed my own SO suffer at the hands of his father in an extremely similar way. I'm so sorry.

I'm going to inbox my reply to this thread.

[hrp2007]

Is there a local social services place you could to go to talk to someone who might be able to find a place for you to stay? Or even try talking to someone to see if there is a program that can help you find a job. He sounds like he really needs help, sadly sometimes when they drink so much they lose who they really are and forget what is important. Is there a way you can stay with your SO? See what options are open near them for abuse victims if at all possible. Stay strong and good luck.

[TwoThree]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any particular advice (I'm sure there are people who are better qualified who will give you some), it's just that your message struck a chord with me because I too live with an abusive father (who doesn't just threaten to hit me, he actually does it) although alcohol has nothing to do with it. So I know what it is like, how conflicting those feelings can be, because you love him and yet hate him at the same time. At this point I'm feeling more and more detached from my own father so it's making my plans to leave forever easier.

I wish you the best of luck in finding a job to be able to get out of there as soon as possible.

Are you underaged? If you are maybe you could contact a social worker who could find a solution for you. On another forum I post on we have had a few cases of young girls who feared for their lives (in the UK) and were found a place to stay away from their families by social services. They are of muslim background, but I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

[Aaron]

@Honour: Thank you for your support. I'll be looking for your reply.

@hrp2007: The thing is is that I need the Internet to talk to my SO, but I don't think I can get good Internet at a shelter. She's the only thing that keeps me sane, so I really need her. I've tried job programs before, but at least where I'm from, all it does is lead to a local business getting free help for around two months and me being thrown back to square one at the end of it all. There isn't anything I can really do to stay with my SO because my SO is in the US and I'm in the UK, so I can't do anything really, unless I marry her and wait another year for the visa to clear. Thank you for your suggestions.

[Aaron]

I'm 20 years old, so there isn't a lot I can do with that either. I really want a job and I'm trying to, but they just aren't there. I've applied to so many and got nothing back, and my dad just thinks it's my fault, I think. I feel more and more toward detaching myself from this man as much as I can. I truly and completely hate him.

[rina]

I hear you, i'm pretty much in the same situation with my mom, minus the drinking. But she is violent and abusive and nothing is ever good enough for her. I have tried on numerous occasions to move out but she always finds a way to emotionally blackmail me into coming back. In 2011 i left with an Au pair program to the UK, thinking that's far enough to get rid of her. She insisted we talk everyday and she kept telling me she's missing me and such, and i actually thought that this distance would help her realize that the way she was acting isn't right. I came back after a few months cause she was miserable without me and then she got diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, she had surgery and she's ok now hopefully. But it only made her behavior towards me worse, and of course if i leave now i'll be the bad guy.. I have been searching for a job since march and i noticed people don't even bother looking at the resumes they receive, and getting a part time job is out of the question as the wages are so low you don't even make enough to pay buss fares and basic living expenses, and i refuse to work if my income is still on minus, i have some health issues of my own and i would rather take care of myself.

I honestly have no idea what advice i can provide as i have been stuck in this situation for over 7 years now and there is simply no way out for me, not now anyway, but i can tell you one thing, every time the arguments started i would think this is the last one and i can't take it anymore, yet here i am. And i'm sure i can put up with next two years, until i graduate and i will be leaving the country for good. There is always hidden strength in places you didn't know it exists.

Just focus on the things you like to do for yourself and realize your dad won't be around forever and he might not even be right about the stuff he complains. You will eventually be on your own, so don't let what he says get to you. But you also need to realize not to view your LDR as a way of getting you out of your situation. I did that before and it didn't end up good.

Anyway if you need to talk feel free to message me. Best of luck to you and stay strong, you'll get your break eventually.

[Sharon Q]

Sounds like my SOs dad. What about staying with a friend ?

[Aaron]

I've contacted one of my best friends about it and linked him to this thread. I hope there is something that we can do in case I have to get out of this house ASAP.

[lademoiselle]

Have you tried contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau? (I've linked you the contact details for the Stourbridge branch, I hope that's the right one!). I'm sure they could give you information about whether you're entitled to help with housing etc. I wish I could say something more useful than this, but I don't want to risk misinforming you... I'd get in touch with the CAB in confidence and see what they tell you. Good luck, take care and keep us updated!

[Aaron]

I have been told about the CAB by a friend of mine and I've heard that they might be able to sort any housing issues out if I choose to move out of this house. I'm scared to be in my own house, so that would really be nice to move out. But I just don't have any money to do that. I just don't know why he's doing this to me so harshly. I can understand that everyone in my family goes to work except me, but it's difficult to get a job these days for everyone. It's really sad that he just doesn't understand that and takes it out on me because of it.

[Black_Halloween]

Are there any other family members that you can move in with? Any friends? I don't recommend waiting, take action!

[Zephii]

I've both seen and been on the receiving end of abuse and beatings more than I'd really like to admit, so I do really sympathize with you. But, I've got to be blunt too - because only tough people get through this shit, so I'm not going to baby you on it, see? - Life isn't fair. So stop hanging on to the fact that this is unfair, that your dad doesn't treat you fairly that he treats your sister better than you etc. That shit's not getting you anywhere. It's never going to be fair. Besides that, you never truly know what happens between two others, even if they live in the same house. I know my own sister still resents me sometimes for not suffering as much as she did when we were kids - she was my shield many times - but as we have discussed since I too was put through abuse she didn't even know of. Never assume it's worse for you or that it's not hard for the rest of your family to see how you're treated. We are only the center of our own worlds and nothing more, you know?

I know it doesn't particularly help, but, if he does hit you, know that you will survive. You need to look within yourself and know that you're stronger, you can weather this storm. It isn't forever. Also, avoid adding fuel to the fire - even though you know he's wrong, just swallow it, and keep trucking. Save yourself some grief in the long run.

On the job front, it's not easy, but it's doable. If you've been looking for months with no nibbles, surely there is something to do. It's not a great thing to admit, but I highly recommend lying on your resume. Use written references, because they look nice and cost your employer no effort. Get a mate to say they were your manager and put their phone number down. You need to sell yourself. If you feel you can do a job, or learn it in reasonable time, lie and say you've done it already. Get someone who's good at job hunting to look at your resume and fix it up for you, and practice your interview technique. There are jobs out there - you just need to stand out in the crowd to get them.

I've got to get to work now, so it's cutting into my ramble, but hang in there. You do have the power and strength to get through this. You are in control of your life even though it doesn't feel like it. And worst comes to worst your relationship can survive on letters for a little while.

Tough times don't last, but tough people do!

[Aaron]

Are there any other family members that you can move in with? Any friends? I don't recommend waiting, take action!

Well, I have one of my friends who needs to ask his parents about it, and I'm sure another one would definitely let me stay if I asked. My extended family won't be a lot of good because they're all either close to my direct family, or they're complete jerks.