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**Michelle** · July 9, 2010, 02:59 AM

Personally, him sleeping with his younger sisters makes me feel uncomfortable because at least in the US it's really not acceptable. But maybe it is just a culture thing and maybe it is more acceptable in Chili's culture. I'm not sure, but it should be considered.

I totally understand the whole sleeping arrangements thing. Frank and I went through something similar and weren't allowed to sleep in the same room for a long time (both at my family's house and his family's) but we eventually migrated into the same room/bed though. Not because we were told we could, I just got tired of not being able to sleep with Frank :P No one said anything or got mad... at least not to our faces.

I don't know about the pot thing. If I were in your shoes I would probably flip out at Frank for doing something like that because of how I feel about drug abuse. But that's obviously not the right way to handle it, haha.

**LadyMarchHare** · July 9, 2010, 03:02 AM

I'm actually having a similar problem with my SO, who smokes. He quit because of me, then snuck back to smoking. I did talk to him about it and he promised to quit again, but I know it's harder to give up cigarettes than weed even though I've known some people who act addicted to the stuff. Controversy of health/mind aside, weed makes you smell just like cigarettes do. I'm against it because I don't see the point just like with any other drug and with alcohol. It sounds like the guy's giving into peer pressure. You could harp on him all you want but in the end the physical presence of that person's obviously enough and I guess they can't avoid the person. You have to encourage him to be strong and say no, just like you'd tell a kid. Ultimately you can't make them quit if they honestly don't want to, but telling them your stance (which you did) and repeating it when you find out in a gentle manner (i.e. "well you know how I feel about that stuff") might eventually get them to let up.

The second issue, I agree and probably for the same reasons you feel the way you do. However there's only so much controversy depending on the details. If they're clothed, aren't touching, and the bed is big then it's not all that bad if there's honestly no bed for them to be in singularly and there's no way to arrange something on the couch or floor or get a cot/inflatable mattress. That being for the 10 year old, I doubt he'd do anything to her. The 17 year old seems weird, that's a bit old to be sharing a bed with the opposite sex near your age or older no matter if they're family. With you going there, would there not be a way you could share a bed with the girls? That makes more sense to me. I know I wouldn't want to share a bed with a 19 year old guy I didn't know. Yeah I get he doesn't want you two in the same bed/room at night for, well, obvious reasons but shoving you in beds with the opposite sex when you could just as easily share with the same sex and cause no fuss seems, well, silly.

If I had to go through that I'd definitely be voicing my opinion loudly, but politely all the same. If you strongly disagree with the arrangements made, you need to let them know. The weed issue, like I said, you can't force him to stop. Have you asked him why he keeps doing it? If it's really because of this person you could help him break the peer pressure. If it's another, e-swat him.

**Michelle** · July 9, 2010, 03:15 AM

LadyMarchHare made a good point. Girls with girls, boys with boys. Is there a reason he needs to share a bed with his 17 and 10 year old sisters, and not with his 19 year old brother? I didn't even think of that (I'm pretty tired - too hot to sleep), but that would definitely make more sense.

**Swederica** · July 9, 2010, 03:25 AM

Hmm since i'm a strong supporter of talking directly to him/them i would have to say talk to him about it.

In case of the sleeping arrangements it's not much you can do, as i see it. As you said you respect his dad's rules so it's just to follow them and i'm sure you'll get to sleep next to him soon

I find it weird tho. I wouldn't be able to sleep next to my two oldest sisters, both are however younger then me. But that entirely depends on how well he gets along with his sisters.

**ErinKristine** · July 9, 2010, 08:24 AM

The sleeping arrangement is most likely a cultural thing. My family is Italian and when were little all the cousins (male and female) would sleep in the same bed when we went on vacation. We also do the co-sleeping thing where children sleep in the parent's bed for a while (I was there till I was 8 then I decided I wanted to use my room). My little brother often sleeps in my bed because he says my dad's snoring scares him, my 14 yr old sister will also sleep in my bed. There have also been times that all five of us (parents included) fall asleep in the same bed because we were watching a movie and didn't feel like getting up. It's just something that's normal in my family because of our culture and upbringing.

**Rach321** · July 9, 2010, 11:11 AM

I agree with ErinKristine- It really is dependent on culture and family traditions. I don't find it strange that he would sleep with his sisters, especially the younger one, but that's only because my little brother is quite a bit younger than me, and he would still sometimes sleep in the same bed/room as me until he was a teenager. And the 17 year old sister by herself might be unusual, but not if the 10 year old is there too. I think you have every right to feel uncomfortable about it because it is a very unusual thing, but I also understand how it could seem normal for a particular family.

But it is strange that he wouldn't share a bed with his brother instead. And I would be very uncomfortable with the proposition of sharing a bed with his brother. It would make much more sense for you to stay with his sisters and he stay with his brother while you are there.

**folclor** · July 9, 2010, 01:18 PM

First I'm going to reply to your issues. ^^; I totally agree on the weed issue. He shouldn't be doing it, but he likely is just because he doesn't want to hurt the family member and, as they say, blood is thicker than water. Second, I don't understand why it's a bad thing to sleep in the same bed as your sibling. I've slept in the same bed with my brother before at a hotel or something. There's really nothing wrong with it as long as he's not a pedophile (which it doesn't seem like he is). I do see a problem with you sleeping in the same bed as his brother, though. ^^;;

what would you do in any of these situations?
Weed is legal in Canada, so if my boyfriend smoked it then...I'd have no right to tell him to stop, but I would request him to stop and he knows that I have issues with people who smoke it and he does too, so he doesn't smoke anything at all, I'm lucky in that respect. If he were sleeping in the same bed as his sister...that would be a little odd, especially considering how big of a house they have. However, different cultures display their values in very different ways. Perhaps that was a way of ensuring the protection of the sister and whatnot. I wouldn't have a problem with it. That being said, my culture and my boyfriend's culture aren't that different and so he does not share a bed with his sister. If I stayed in his parents' house as opposed to his sister's house I would not have been allowed to share a bed with my boyfriend, his parents would've freaked out (his dad owns a construction business and they have two houses right down the street from each other and his parents live in one while he, his sister, and his cousin live in the other). But we were in his sister's house (who, at one point, walked in on us while we were unclothed and cuddling, thankfully not doing more than that) and she didn't mind.

Would you talk to him/her about it?
The weed? Of course. Everything else? Unless your boyfriend has issues with incest or pedophilia, no.

**Tanja** · July 9, 2010, 04:25 PM

Hmmmm well, I don't find it all that weird for him to be sharing the bed with his sisters tbh, now I know this isn't the same thing but I have a 10-year-old daughter and she often crawls to bed next to me and Andy and when Andy's not here she sleeps with me most of the time. It just makes children feel safe and loved if they can sleep next to an adult family member, it doesn't matter which sex they are because young children don't think about it that way.

It is weird though that you'd share a bed with his brother, it's completely different cause you're both adults, I would never sleep next to Andy's adult brother!

About the weed thing - he shouldn't do it, end of story.

**Riyko** · July 10, 2010, 12:33 AM

I will be talking to him about all of the issues especially the weed because he knows that I'm at the point where it's a deal breaker for me. He's known my stance on the weed since we started dating and he knows that it's a huge deal breaker for me especially now as we are getting older.

With him sleeping with his 10 year old sister, he's going to be staying at their apartment and when we were talking on the phone Friday he sounded really happy to be sleeping with his sister. The bed is only a twin size bed and when they sleep in the same bed she hugs him from behind, even him just telling me about it makes me really uncomfortable. I know that he won't do anything with her, but i'm still not ok with it and I never will be. I also understand how it can be cultural, but a lot of his friends i've talked to from Chile, i've asked about it and they have said it isn't normal culturally in Chile.

With the arrangements when I go and stay at his dad's place, him and I have talked a lot about this and even brought it up to his dad about how it's not right. His dad told him his sisters want to sleep with him not me and his dad said if they want to sleep with him, they can because they don't get to see him very often where as I get to see him a lot more (not true). The only option for me is to share a room with his brother because his dad and nanny don't want to share a room with me not in a mean way, but because they don't have enough room in their bedrooms. Right now i'm at the point where if something doesn't change when I talk to him about it i'm either going to cancel my trip to Chile or just go to my apartment early (for when I study spanish).

I wish I could migrate to his room and sleep with him, but if I did that his dad would kick both of us out of the house and probably never talk to his son again for breaking his rules and trust. I just wish his dad was more open like my parents are, they let us sleep in the same room when he came home with me.

**Michelle** · July 10, 2010, 01:26 AM

I think our parents gradually loosened up about the sleeping arrangements thing and that's why we tested the waters by sleeping together. It was 1-2 years and many visits before we slept in the same bed at either of our parents homes (thankfully, at the time many of our visits were to each others schools, so we did have opportunities to sleep together). So I definitely was not suggesting disobeying his dad on your first visit.

As far as the sleeping with his sisters thing and being uncomfortable, I would go with your gut feeling. You obviously feel that something doesn't feel right about it and it makes you cringe when your boyfriend talks about how happy is to sleep with his little sister. I can definitely see that in how you write. Don't ignore those feelings.

If these are not the qualities you imagined in a boyfriend/your future husband and not the type of standards you set for yourself, then you don't have to settle for someone that doesn't meet some of your basic standards. You don't have to settle for a guy that refuses to stop smoking pot - you gave him a chance to quit and he's not quitting - you yourself said that was a deal breaker. And you don't have to be with a man who sleeps with his 10 year old kid sister in a twin bed. You don't have to become part of a family that thinks it's okay for you to sleep with your boyfriend's grown brother. I think his dad is being very inhospitable/unfriendly towards you and not accommodating as any family should be towards a guest that they invite in their home.

No matter how okay anyone else thinks any of these things are, if you don't think they're okay, then you shouldn't settle for these things if you don't want to. Go with your own feelings on this, not with what someone else thinks or what the majority thinks. Don't even go by what I think if you don't agree.

Everyone thinks you should stick with a relationship and work hard to make it work, and you get looked down upon for giving up and ending the relationship (I HATE that mentality!)... but just because you stick with someone, doesn't mean you'll be happy or have a good relationship. In the long run it wouldn't be worth lowering your standards and settling for less (in this case, someone who does things that go against your morals... and realistically, shouldn't part of a relationship's foundation be shared morals? I think so!).

That is my opinion. Sometimes I think it takes a stronger person to call a relationship quits when they know the person is not right for them, than to weather the emotional roller coaster of staying with someone that is not right for you.

**folclor** · July 10, 2010, 10:06 AM

my only real question at this point (because everything else makes total sense) is why does it bother you that he's sleeping in the same bed with his little sister? Perhaps if you can address that it would make it easier.

**Michelle** · July 10, 2010, 12:05 PM

Originally posted by folclor View Post

my only real question at this point (because everything else makes total sense) is why does it bother you that he's sleeping in the same bed with his little sister? Perhaps if you can address that it would make it easier.

She said in her first post that it is because of something that happened to her in the past.

**LadyMarchHare** · July 10, 2010, 07:38 PM

I can't speak on her behalf but considering I went some years forced to sleep with my dad in the same bed under some unusual circumstances as a kid, I can agree the whole significant age gap with two people of the opposite sex, even related, bothers me. I've shared a bed with my male cousin before, but he's only a year older than me and again we were kids. There'd be no way either of us would agree to it now. While I get it seems entirely innocent and doesn't seem to be doing any harm, I can feel uncomfortable about it for my own reasons just as she can for hers. Granted it probably wouldn't stop the arrangement since it's seen as normal in the household, but all the same.

**Riyko** · July 11, 2010, 11:57 PM

For me it was some inappropriate stuff that happened to me when I was younger.

I talked to my boyfriend and his dad last night on skype (I only brought it up because he's home with his family so it'll be easier to talk to his dad about it) about the sleeping arrangements when we're in Chile and his dad said the reason(s) why he won't let us sleep together is because of two reasons, the first one is because they are catholic and the second one is because it's not right to have us share a room around his sisters when we aren't even married because it makes a bad impression on them and that it's ok if they do it when they are in a relationship (haha like he's not doing anything wrong, his girlfriend sleeps over there when his daughters are over, it's a different story for a different day). After his dad left the room I told him either talk your dad into letting us share a room (I brought up the whole his dad's girlfriend staying there and he agreed with me that it isn't fair), see if we can stay at your aunt or grandma's house or i'm not going to Chile with you. He said he's going to see what he can do about it because he wants me to go to Chile with him and he wants to show me around and that if I don't go he won't go.

I'm going to talk to him about the weed and him and his sister sharing a bed when I go to visit him.

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