Love is not enough

[prinzeza87]

where to start....
my SO is flying back to the states from japan after 2 years stationed there in less than 12hrs.
nothing is going as we planned. 2wks ago everything was great, feeling all exited and happy for him coming back. that changed, its to long and complicated to explain.
we have a lot of small issues n a lot of small issues makes a big issue my SO said to me. o i know that, no relationship n human being is perfect. since we met with time we have noticed n lived with our various weird imperfectness and many many mistakes.
he realized first that deep inside he knows he dont want to be with a person like me he said (oh reading that hurt so bad) but he still loves me n wants to give us a chance to live together on our already planned one month vacation in his next unit in CA.
and after thinking all around it i felt the exact same thing months ago, half of me knows we wont make it because of the majority of differences in our personalities but the other half do not want to let him go, i dnt care how rough things between us are, i dnt wanna give up i love him so much still his essence still impregnated in me im refusing to the idea of being without him!
we have short and long term plans, dreams, illusions etc, i was supposed to meet his family for the first time on thanks giving day because his mom likes me a lot the whole fam is ready to meet me n my daughter.
even though i have a deep feeling that he's ready to move on or at least to let me go more easily than i ever can, im still holding strong with the idea that once again we can make things work out, that we promised to stay strong n together no matter what, but if he does not feel the same i wont have more choice but to let go ...
im so sad and confused asking my self what happened to us....
for the first time in my whole life i truly realized that ive never had a real serious relationship before, having one its a daily total work n challenge, and if this one doesn't work out, I'll be done for god knows how long, the idea of starting all over again with someone new overwhelms me.

last night he called me to talk things again, but he had to leave n said ill call u after formation in like 30min or more u know how this is he said. i fell asleep woke up n no call, i txtd him twice already n no answer, and he's flying iin less than 12 hrs and i know that once he's here he wnt have a cell phone for a while until he settles down.
im just so scared, i know if we dont make it i will eventually move on, but going through the whole process already hurts sooo much.
please any advice , experience etc, God i need so much emotional support this sucks i want him holding me n telling me we will be fine like always

[Verojoon]

*hugs*

I have experience a situation where love wasn't enough... I loved my ex-husband... but I wasn't in love with him... we continued to force to make our relationship work for years after it should have ended... We told ourselves relationships take hard work... without realizing you shouldn't have to work THAT hard on it... at least some part of it should come natural...

That being said, My SO an I had a lot of problems over the last winter... He kept telling me how he doesn't think we can do forever. How we can only live in the moment because there is nothing else for us... how closing the distance was impossible... He would tell me how he never imagined himself married or having a family.. that it wasn't a lifestyle he wanted... He would say he needed freedom... he couldn't be tied down... He said those things but acted differently... Eventually, I gave him what he said he wanted. I said he wanted freedom, he could have it... he would explain it is not what he meant... he was committed to me but he enjoyed being committed to me because he couldn't imagine himself being with anyone else in the world not because he had to be committed... ANYWAYS... he hurt me a lot... and eventually I just let him go... I told him exactly what you said: Sometimes love just isn't enough...

Well, it was rough... there was so much tears.. I felt the same way as you about starting over again... dating was one thing, but meeting someone and really opening myself? I didn't know if I could... I did a lot of learning about myself during that time.. learning what I needed from a relationship, what I could handle and couldn't... I met someone who became important to me... maybe I would have come to really love him eventually, but it didn't work out for reasons beyond our control...

Us being apart, and him seeing me get with someone else what I had wanted with him really opened his eyes. It killed him to see me like that because one side of him was so happy for me that this guy was giving me all he couldn't give me... and the other side of him was realizing more and more how he should be the one who was willing to be with me... to have a life with me...

It was a slow process, and I didn't go back to him right away after my relationship failed... I tried to meet a few more people... I tried to get him out of my mind... but in the end, I couldn't and I decided to give him a chance to see if he was really willing to work at our relationship like he seemed to say he was...

Sometimes I'm still scared it won't remain this good, but right now, he is everything I could ask for... I'm not saying we don't still have our differences and our arguments, but he is patient with me, he talks things out, he leaves his pride at the door, and subsequently, I do too... We resolve our problems instead of just ignoring them and thinking that we just have to accept we are too different!!

What I'm trying to say is that because you are going through a rough time, doesn't mean you will lose him.. and if you lose him, it doesn't mean it's forever... it may be what you need to figure out what your priorities are and you might both find your love is worth fighting to get back ... or you might find that moving on was easier than you expected!!

However it turns out, you will be stronger and know yourself better in the long run... that being said, I know it is hard!! *hugs*

[Schlafmütze]

what you are going through reminded me of a similar situation I had with my now ex boyfriend.

Just as you, we were having some small issues and things were feeling a little bit off. However, we had already booked my flights to spend Xmas-NYE with him and his family. Just few days before it was time for me to get on the plane, things were getting worse, to the point that I told him it probably would be better if we just cancel the trip. He stayed quiet for about a minute and then said, no, that our relationship deserved this last try. I was a little bit hesitant but agreed. Big mistake! -or not-

The welcome at the airport was really awkward and cold, unlikely other visits in which we both were happy to see each other. Just on that day I knew the end was closer than ever.
The following days didn't get any better and it was getting very uncomfortable. Xmas passed and short before NYE I confronted him and with many tears and honest talking we ended the relationship; but he told me we should keep it to ourselves and not to share it with the rest of the family, we had to pretend everything was alright. I am awful at pretending so it was a hard thing to do. I still had a week and a half left with them and I knew I was not going to make it that long.

I started to look for 1 way tickets to my city, but the ones I found were so so so expensive I couldn't afford them. I was feeling stuck, I wanted to cry, to run away, to forget about everything and I was not able to. This was an horrible situation for me. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
So if you still want to go and live that month together, do it under your own risk and keeping in mind that just as things can get sweeter, they can also take a completely different turn than the one you expect and get pretty sour. Yes, I do agree love is not enough!

Good luck and stay strong for you and your little one, whom at the end are what matter the most.

[prinzeza87]

reading Verojoon's experience gives me some hope but Schlafmütze's drowns me back down to stay realistic
thank u so much girls, my situation seems just so unreal n not knowing what's gonna happen between us its a killer.
maybe giving him more space will ease n bring things the way they were or maybe not... :'(

[Kiyama]

You have two choices. Either you stay and be miserable for some longer before the relationship ends (which it probably will at some point as you describe it) or you leave now and you'll be miserable. The difference is that the latter is an ending misery. I know one wouldn't believe it in that moment but the pain will go away and you'll be able to move on. Eventually. It might seem impossible now but in the end it's not.
I was once in a relationship we both knew wouldn't work out. Yet, we moved in together. Yet, we dragged it on for another year until there was almost nothing left of us from all the fighting and suffering.
In Germany we have a saying: better an ending in horror than a horror without end. I my opinion this says it all. I had to learn it the hard way and maybe for you there is only the hard way to do this :/
Good luck to you and stay strong and don't give up on love!

[Verojoon]

In Germany we have a saying: better an ending in horror than a horror without end.

I saw this line in an Iranian film while I was going through my separation for my marriage... In the movie, they said it was a German saying, but it was translated as: It is a better to have a bitter ending, than bitterness without end. So it wasn't translated properly, but both sayings are very applicable to some situations. And I repeated it to myself so often... Still, our ending wasn't short... over a year until he moved out.. a year of bitterness and horror, really... It was awful...

I guess with both my experiences, walking away was the right thing to do... in one case, I was able to find my way back, in the other it was just the best for me...

*hugs*

[m&k]

I took forever to read it, I stopped to read a lot of times because you sound just like me. My situation is very close to yours.
I heard a lot of words that hurt me very deeply too, and all this no message answers and the feeling that he had move on already.
Yeah, I've been there, actually I'm still there I guess.
I feel the same: I'm hurt and the best for me is to let him go. But I simply can't ! I can't ! I love him so much !
I still hold on the good moments and in everything we had before.
I actually don't have an advice for you, I need an advice too. I just wanted to say you are not the only one in this situation and you are not alone.

[Moon]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and while I hope the trip turns things around for the better, I think after reading Schlafmütze's experience, I'd advise not going unless you can afford a ticket home, just in case. You don't want to be stuck in a bad situation for a month, that'll be unbearable. Good luck.

[prinzeza87]

I took forever to read it, I stopped to read a lot of times because you sound just like me. My situation is very close to yours.
I heard a lot of words that hurt me very deeply too, and all this no message answers and the feeling that he had move on already.
Yeah, I've been there, actually I'm still there I guess.
I feel the same: I'm hurt and the best for me is to let him go. But I simply can't ! I can't ! I love him so much !
I still hold on the good moments and in everything we had before.
I actually don't have an advice for you, I need an advice too. I just wanted to say you are not the only one in this situation and you are not alone.

it is so sad, im sending u lots of hugs to u, we need em so much, but like Verojoon said;
because you are going through a rough time, doesn't mean you will lose him.. and if you lose him, it doesn't mean it's forever..
but i just cant find the courage to do it yet.

also wat Kiyama mention about better an ending in horror than a horror without end its so true i know that saying, in Mexico we say it kinda like in the US better off alone than in bad company.
one of the things ive learned from my SO that i know what, how n when to do things but most of the time i dont use what i know, so i in my situation is better to let go now but its just so hard....

[prinzeza87]

I'm sorry you're going through this, and while I hope the trip turns things around for the better, I think after reading Schlafmütze's experience, I'd advise not going unless you can afford a ticket home, just in case. You don't want to be stuck in a bad situation for a month, that'll be unbearable. Good luck.

thank u moon and if i go ill be driving 16 hrs to get there (not scared to drive alone there), which wat ever happens i still think would b worth it cos ill get a chance to see new places since i love driving long roads, so if things turn out bad or uncomfortable ill find my way back again

[Sharon Q]

I think weve all been there but in my case it worked out, I think its worth a try so youre not wondering "what if "

Just be prepared it could go either way. It could work out and it may not work out.

I think back up money for a ticket home would be a good idea.

Also go there open minded and remember if he wants it to work he has to work at it as well not just you. If only you are trying to fix it, it wont work.

Also you two havent broken up yet right ? If not ask him what he wants from the relationship. It will help give you perspective of what he is seeking out of Being with you.

Good luck hon. I hope you guys work it out

[prinzeza87]

few hours ago my SO's sister txtd me that they had just picked him frm the airport, i got tons of found feelings n have no clue when he's gonna contact me if he ever does. im so anxious but im still giving him space ...