Need help. Feeling useless.

[TVC15]

Hey everyone.. I need a bit of help and it's not directly distance related.

My SO is a police officer. *Last night he had a horrific call where someone died while he tried to save his life. I won't go into details but it was awful. I need help to help my partner. I don't know how to be there, I'm trying to get him to talk because he needs to, has to for his own sake. At the moment he won't pick up the phone to me but he's still texting.*

I feel so helpless. All I want to do is just be there with him, to hold him tight and say nothing at all but for him to have me there and not alone in his house.*

The closest I can come up to see him is Tuesday after finishing a night shift at work. I physically cannot get there any earlier because of work. I wish I could be there more for him, I am so upset.

[Verojoon]

Hey everyone.. I need a bit of help and it's not directly distance related.

My SO is a police officer. *Last night he had a horrific call where someone died while he tried to save his life. I won't go into details but it was awful. I need help to help my partner. I don't know how to be there, I'm trying to get him to talk because he needs to, has to for his own sake. At the moment he won't pick up the phone to me but he's still texting.*

I feel so helpless. All I want to do is just be there with him, to hold him tight and say nothing at all but for him to have me there and not alone in his house.*

The closest I can come up to see him is Tuesday after finishing a night shift at work. I physically cannot get there any earlier because of work. I wish I could be there more for him, I am so upset.

*hugs* Situations like these is when the distance is the hardest!!

Do you have anyone near him that you can call up and ask them to drop in on him? How about ordering him food so that he has comfort and knows you are thinking about him... Though I agree he will need to talk, maybe for now he needs to sort out his thoughts on his own? I'm not an expert by any means, but I feel that giving him warm reminders that you are there for him to talk to and that you care and leaving him some time with his thoughts may not be that bad as long as it isn't for too long.

I'm assuming there are also many resources in place within the police department to help him deal with these things... I know it doesn't help the fact that YOU want to comfort him.. I get that! I'd feel EXACTLY the same way... but we do what we can...

[Oldblighty]

Firstly, I'm sorry your SO is going through such a tough time due to what happened I know all you want to do is comfort your loved one but maybe he just need some time on his own to get over the initial shock of what's happened. Of course everyone reacts differently to incidents of this nature and maybe he's just the type that needs to be alone right now. I used to work for the Ambulance service and staff who were on the front line were always offered counselling, so maybe he needs to look in to this to help him get over what happened.

If he doesn't want to talk then texting, emailing him will be enough for now, he will at least know your thinking of him during this time and then once he starts to feel better he'll open up to you and let you in. Keep strong and I'm sure everything will be fine ((hugs))

[SoFarAway]

OMG, I am really sorry to hear this. I can only imagine to be bound to a location and not being able to run his way and just help him. But maybe talking on the phone isn't what he needs right now. Maybe the texting is just enough for him in the moment. I am pretty sure that he will call you as soon as he is ready to talk. Make him the offer to be available at any time when he feels the need to talk or anything else. He will eventually come around.

[Moon]

I don't know how to be there, I'm trying to get him to talk because he needs to, has to for his own sake.

Actually, maybe that really isn't the case, not everybody "has" to discuss a traumatic event right away, sometimes it even makes it worse. He's not taking your calls because he's not mentally ready to have the kind of conversation you're pushing him to have (I know you don't mean to, but it seems like that's what you're doing). Everybody deals with traumatic events differently, the very best way to help him is to let him come to you when he's ready, until then, try to keep texts and conversation normal, give him some space and keep the talks light for a few days.

[SoFarAway]

I would also suggest to hit up the military forum in the travel/international section. There are a few who go through the same stuff as well. Maybe they can help you with their stories as well.

[ST25]

I second what Moon is saying. It sounds like he isn't too ready to just come forward and talk about it yet. I know, it's agonizing and your heart is hurting for him. The best you can do of this situation is to just let him have his own time and let him come back to you when he's ready to. For now, just keep him in your thoughts.

[TVC15]

Thank you all for your posts. It's so frustrating that I cannot be their just to comfort him. When he first told me about it I got a text along the lines of "I'll call you in half an hour, need to have a shower, covered in blood'. Needless to say I was terrified. I think I just needed people on here to calm me down and not just jump in the car and drive up, as much as I would like too. Thank you, you guys have help me relax a little.*

Actually..

I'm sorry but I don't agreed with that at all. I am not pushing him. I know exactly what I am doing regarding whether he wants to talk about it or not. I have simply left him to discuss it At his own pace. I called him once only, to let him pick up if he wanted or not. I didn't bombard him with calls or pressurise him to talk at all.*

And he does need to talk if he want's to be able to continue doing his job. I'm not saying now. *I'm not saying necessarily to me. *I didn't once mention he had to talk about it now this instant. But he will need too. He has been through another traumatic experience regarding work too and he's only told me over time. I question and discuss it when I feel he is ready to and only ever when he brings it up, when I can he's not I leave him be. Your post has made me really quite angry.*

[H.Mikenzi]

My advice is to just keep doing what you're doing, show him that you're there to talk when he is ready and give him a little space to sort through things in his own mind in the mean time. I know how hard it must be to want to be there for him in that physical sense and not be able to, but try to focus on what *you* need to be doing, you don't want your own job performance and things like that to suffer because you're worrying so much. Take some deep breaths, a warm shower/bath, and relax a little. If he can tell that you're calm and supportive, I think he might be more likely to open up about it in a sooner time. I wish you the best with it!

[BellaJedi]

I'm sorry but I don't agreed with that at all. I am not pushing him. I know exactly what I am doing regarding whether he wants to talk about it or not. I have simply left him to discuss it At his own pace. I called him once only, to let him pick up if he wanted or not. I didn't bombard him with calls or pressurise him to talk at all.*

And he does need to talk if he want's to be able to continue doing his job. I'm not saying now. *I'm not saying necessarily to me. *I didn't once mention he had to talk about it now this instant. But he will need too. He has been through another traumatic experience regarding work too and he's only told me over time. I question and discuss it when I feel he is ready to and only ever when he brings it up, when I can he's not I leave him be. Your post has made me really quite angry.*

Actually, you said yourself "I'm trying to get him to talk because he needs to, has to for his own sake". It turns out that talking about it directly after a traumatizing event is about the worst thing you can make someone do (Source: My degree in psychology). People need to sort it out in their head first before they're able to talk about their feelings or anything like that otherwise it does much more damage than good. Don't push him, a gentle reminder that you're there is good but "trying to get him to talk" is not a good strategy.

[Tooki]

Just send him a message telling him that you're there for him, and you are available for if/when he wants to talk

[D.4C]

i'm kinda thinkin you need to let him process the whole situation first...give him a little space...that's a pretty huge situation he just went through...just keep texting...letting him know you are there....and i think he will come around soon enough...