Am I being unreasonable?

[roosie]

Hi. I'm looking for a second opinion or maybe someone to share their experiences as I feel like I can't see clearly anymore.

This probably needs some background at first for those who don't know about my relationship. My SO is a commercial pilot, based in Hong Kong. However, he spends more than half a month somewhere else than at home every month. When he started flying about three years ago, he still had a lot of time off to recover but as he has proceed with his career, his time off has significantly reduced. Legally he has to have at least three days off between each long flights (which take about four days) but as his company is really sort of pilots, they are making him work a lot more. For example last week he got home from Indonesia just to find out that they had changed his roster again and decided to send him to Dubai almost straight away. He usually works at nights so he loses a lot of night's sleep. Which leads to our problem..

My SO is severely sleep deprived these days. Whenever he has a day off, he mostly just sleeps. Or tries to stay awake to maintain a normal sleep rhythm which means he acts like a zombie and can barely function. He hasn't had time to see his friends since August. He is too tired to cook most of the time so he just eats junk food. It's not a good combination as he already eats at the restaurants when working. I'm really getting worried about him: I can see how it affects his health and it makes me feel so helpless that I can't do much from here to help him. He still tries to call or text me every now and then but he can't really talk when he keeps falling asleep. It's really starting to affect our relationship. I know he does his best to stay in touch and we still try to talk every day but we rarely have time to have a proper conversations anymore. Whenever I try to tell him how I feel about this, he gets really defensive because he feels like I'm attacking him and criticizing his choices. It saddens me that he gives me so little credit. I probably didn't know what I was getting into at first because I was only 19 when we started dating but I sure do now and I'm still here. There are many good sides in his job and I'm the first one to admit that! I want to make this easier for him and support him but I also need to feel heard.

I still try to keep the intimacy alive but if I try to flirt etc. he usually just ignores it these days or says that he is too tired. He still spontaneously tells me that he loves me etc. so I have no reason to believe that he doesn't but it just feels bad to get rejected all the time. I tried not to push it too much but after being rejected twice today (yeah, I should have known the first time..) I felt pretty bad and asked him if he is still attracted to me. His response was: "Of course I am, but I have only slept 2 nights in the last 5 and am not able to think about much right now." Obviously I felt pretty guilty for asking that after his response. I sent him a message later telling him about my feelings and how it affects me to get rejected so often. I tried to be as polite as possible so that he wouldn't feel attacked. I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable for wanting some more intimacy and connection when he is in such a tough situation? And how could I help him more while not feeling neglected?

[lucybelle]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect attention from your boyfriend. But you have to be realistic. It just seems like it's not going to happen. I think he needs to speak with an authority figure so he can get more rest. I mean honestly, this story of an overworked pilot who is sleep deprived really frightens me! I wouldn't want to be on that plane! On his off days try to plan in even just 15 minutes of chatting. Tell him you know he'll be tired but you would really appreciate it if he could be all yours during those few minutes. Then he can sleep or whatever.

Best wishes

[roosie]

Thank you for the support! You are absolutely right, it's not just his life that is in danger when he is tired. I have to push him a bit more to talk to someone in the company I think. He had to call in sick once when he was too tired to fly but otherwise he is just so dedicated and hard-working that is quite difficult to make him complain to the authorities. He did mention once that people are getting fed up. Thanks again.

[SoFarAway]

Actually, commercial pilots are required to join an union. That's where you guys need to get started. They will be able to help him get an organized work environment again because what they do is illegal on sooo many levels. Most pilots don't dare to speak up because they are afraid of losing their jobs. It seems like your SO is verrrrry close to a burn out. He is showing the right signals. So, maybe have him checked out by a doctor and see what they have to say.

When you get that problem out of the way, I am pretty sure that the rest will work out as well.

[Peter A]

Sometimes, it can be hard working far away and maintaining a great relationship, but true lovers try their best to keep in touch and love one another regardless. Of course it will never be the same as physically being together, but it's a tough one to deal with.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

It's a tough one, because he's probably wanting to spend some time with you too.

I agree with the advice about unions and attempting to get some more regulation with his hours. Try and find a time where he's not too tired (I know, impossible) to talk a little seriously about how to get things rolling.

As much as LDRs are about communication, I think you need to suck up how you feel about spending time a little. It massively sucks, I feel for you, but I think that you complaining about it is going to hold you back more than help you right now. If you look at it from his perspective, he's not happy trying to work all the hours, and when he does come home, exhausted, he's upset because his girlfriend is upset with him - something he's not intending to cause. So his reaction is more likely to be negative, because he clearly can't see how to get out of the situation.

You are totally not out of order for feeling the way you do, but I think you need to focus on the big thing that's causing it rather than how it effects you, exactly. I hope you understand what I mean. :s

[TwoThree]

I completely agree with SoFarAway.

Best of luck.

[Black_Halloween]

Actually, commercial pilots are required to join an union. That's where you guys need to get started. They will be able to help him get an organized work environment again because what they do is illegal on sooo many levels. Most pilots don't dare to speak up because they are afraid of losing their jobs. It seems like your SO is verrrrry close to a burn out. He is showing the right signals. So, maybe have him checked out by a doctor and see what they have to say.

When you get that problem out of the way, I am pretty sure that the rest will work out as well.

I agree 100% with this. Also,give him some slack and think about what stress he's going through. He needs cheering up from his gf, not more problems.

[eveningsky]

I agree with what everyone's said.
While it's good to talk about your feelings with him (communication is the key to any relationship), he really doesn't have time and as others said, you're putting more pressure on him instead of helping. Hopefully, he can get some time by standing up for himself (joining a union, and if he can't for whatever reason, talking to his boss). You still need to let him know that you deserve for him to get some time in order to talk to you (since he seems so content on letting his job do this to him), but try not to pressure him too much. Say it in a non-accusatory way. In the meantime, maybe write your thoughts down (once daily or whenever you get upset about it) and don't send them to him (yet) so that you are getting your feelings out rather than holding them all in and not taking it out on him.
Best of luck! I hope he stands up for himself.

[roosie]

Thank you all for giving me a new perspective. I appreciate your honesty!

Actually, commercial pilots are required to join an union. That's where you guys need to get started. They will be able to help him get an organized work environment again because what they do is illegal on sooo many levels. Most pilots don't dare to speak up because they are afraid of losing their jobs. It seems like your SO is verrrrry close to a burn out. He is showing the right signals. So, maybe have him checked out by a doctor and see what they have to say.

When you get that problem out of the way, I am pretty sure that the rest will work out as well.

Thank you for your advice! I talked to my SO today (as he had a day off today and he seemed awake enough ) and I asked him more about his situation work-wise. It's strange that I've never really thought about the unions etc. I guess I have just somehow accepted his situation because he always tells me that being tired is just "part of his job." I know it sounds pretty terrible but it's easy to get blinded by it. We had a really good conversation. I don't want to get him in trouble so I'm just going to be very general but I'm sure you'll get the picture. Basically the unions are aware of the issues but there is not much that can be done about it because most of the airlines are short of crew and can't hire people because of the economic situation. They are expecting to sack a lot of people and cancel flights in the near future. It's a tough situation and I know that my SO wants to keep his job so he is reluctant to complain. I'm still hoping he could take the issue forward with the other pilots. He also said that the people who go see a doctor because of sleep deprivation usually get a month off but it's not really a solution to the problem. I encouraged him to get help though.

[roosie]

For those telling me to that I shouldn't bother him with my needs at the moment: I guess you are right, I've been quite selfish. The last thing he needs is a nagging girlfriend right now. I think it's all about finding the right balance. Some things will never change: he will always lose a lot of night's sleep and be gone a lot because of his work, no matter what. We have to stay in contact to maintain the relationship but obviously I have to be realistic about it. I asked him today if I could do more for him and he said that I already do a lot by giving him time to be alone and recover. I know he likes his own time and I try to give that to him. I don't take it personally and I hope I didn't sound like I would get upset all the time! He suggested that we would have cooking nights again sometimes, like we used to. That way he would also eat healthier.