Christian family likes me but doesn't approve of marriage?

[reeseismypiece]

So, I bought promise rings for me and my boyfriend, and he told his mother who said she wasn't happy because that was a "promise of marriage someday"...in which she went off saying that marrying me wasn't all too great for his faith. He comes from a Christian family, pretty sure a lot of them are believers...and all of them, so far by my knowledge love me but I am an agnostic so I suppose they are against our relationship at the same time...which confuses me. They accept me yet they push me away like I am just a phase for my boyfriend? I can't really understand it.

My boyfriend claimed that he was tired of being told by others our relationship wasn't right because I'm not a believer. People at school, his family, and I'm sure church members have talked to him about it. He says his step-father has asked him why he was dating me and he finds the question insulting. So my boyfriend, although a strong believer himself, also loves me enough to pretty much not care what his family says, which is good but still I am extremely confused as to what his family thinks...It's like they act sweet and nice to me, like me, they think I'm a great girl, but behind my back ask questions to my boyfriend and advise him not to carry this to marriage? Why else would we be in this relationship if we didn't want to be together?

Another insulting thing his mother said was "Your grandfather probably wouldn't go to the wedding" and that she thinks his Grandmother (stepdad's mother) probably considers her marriage to her non-believing husband a mistake, though I don't know the whole story or if that's true. And my boyfriend also said he hoped he wouldn't be making a mistake...which hurt my feelings, but I didn't understand what he meant fully. I think it has something to do with his extreme fear of me going to hell, he is a very manly man but when that topic comes up I see his eyes starting to water and he speaks with such passion about not letting me go there, that he would do anything if he could to prevent it. So I think he means the mistake of marrying me puts this pressure of what will happen to me on his shoulders...but again, I didn't quite understand. Granted he does want to marry me with all his heart, I just think that's a super strong burden for him and why he is so persistent for me to see his faith. Since I in fact do believe there's a God, just skeptical on the Jesus part. He understands I'm not too thrilled with converting so he respects me, but one of my friends was agnostic as well when we first met in 2011, he and I met our significant others the same year, and now I've found out that he's become Mormon (his girlfriend was Mormon). Whether or not it was for her or himself I don't quite know. So my boyfriend (also friends with my now Mormon friend) I think has hope that I will begin to have faith, which I don't even know myself...It's just hard for me to believe in Jesus at this time, maybe if I had more information I'd believe, and its also a bit conflicting cause my boyfriend knows that I believe that God is possible but I also believe in evolution. So if I did convert, I guess I'd be a Christian who believes in evolution if that even exists haha.

Anyway, sorry for ranting!! So...how many of you have had to deal with the whole religion thing being an issue? And if your Christian, can you explain to me why his family is like this? Also, say I decide to believe, do I just announce I'm a Christian? I don't understand how you become something like that considering I have been only agnostic my whole life. Almost my whole family is (And I'm not trying to sound like I "Believe just to believe", I just mean that if I did truly accept the faith, how would I go about telling another). I'm mainly trying to understand what the big deal with marrying my SO someday is, whether or not I'm Christian or agnostic...either way it won't matter because my SO has his own mind and heart and loves me (I mean he knew I was agnostic from the get go and still strived for a relationship with me), BUT it does bother me to think at our ceremony his entire family may be shaking their heads or thinking "Well...he's certainly made a mistake." I don't usually care about other's opinions...but this is a family that I've accepted into my heart, and would like to be apart of, and not to mention raise my own children in someday...

Anyway, any thoughts? Thank you everyone!!!

[eveningsky]

I'm agnostic as well. I used to lean toward thinking there was some type of God but now I feel like there's a shared energy of the earth...(well I'll explain that if you want to know more). My current SO is agnostic as well but my ex (who I dated for 4 years) was Christian and constantly pushed the Christian thing on me so I can tell you about my experience with that...
I grew up in a pretty religious area but I had only gone to church a couple of times with friends when my ex and I started dating in high school. I didn't know much about Jesus or Christianity other than the fact that people thought it was weird that I didn't know about it and didn't go to church. I was open to finding out more about it because I didn't know much about it so I really hadn't given it a chance. My ex's family was really religious and they went to church every Sunday. He got in trouble if he didn't go and he told me a couple of times that if I want to marry him, I should be religious too. Being open to the idea, I went to church with him a handful of times. I found the music/singing part to be really fun, but once they got to the sermon part, I found it a little ridiculous. I tried to find real meaning in it, truly and honestly. I went to other people's churches too during the time I was dating him, trying to find something I liked. At one point, I declared myself Christian and told everyone (and no one cared, not even my parents who tell me they wish I was Christian) and I felt sad that no one cared (because I was doing it for everyone else, not myself). It all boiled down to the Bible and what I felt in my heart. It just seemed really silly to me and I didn't enjoy believing (or, really, faking belief in) something, deep down, I didn't feel was true. Now, I don't have anything against those who seek solace in religion (unless they're trying to force others to believe in it). It can be healing for people, if they truly believe it. My ex didn't force me, but I felt pressured to believe. I'm sure you feel the same. As far as his family was concerned, I think he told them that I wasn't raised in a church but was coming to believe, and that was good enough for them. They loved me a lot and included me in their family photos. Real Christians "love thy neighbor" but also feel a need to convert everyone (because they believe everyone who isn't Christian is going to hell or living a sad life, because they see healing through religion). I don't believe in hell and religion didn't heal me. If it heals you then that's wonderful, maybe it's for you.
What I can suggest to you is: Do what you feel is right. Believe what YOU believe. Not what someone else pressures you into or what you feel you must. (If you don't believe in it, converting to Christianity could be harmful for not only you but your relationship: you may hold some resentment, whether or not you know it or want to). Try going to church and reading the Bible if you haven't already, it may take a few times to figure out how you feel about it. Maybe, if you feel comfortable doing it, you can put up a facade for your SO's family just so their more accepting of you (which would ultimately do less harm if your SO and you are okay with doing that and the family never finds out). Don't do it if it doesn't feel right. He might not feel right doing that though because Christians aren't supposed to lie.

[lyonsgirl]

This could become a super lengthy response, so I'll try and keep it short. (Feel free to PM me any time with any questions regarding any of this.)

I'm a new believer myself. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior in December 2010 and was baptized the following April. Growing up, I was a mix between agnostic and a seeker. My family were "Chr-easters" (attended church on Christmas and Easter), and even that stopped after a couple of years. (I'll be happy to tell you more on my story if you would like, but this probably isn't the place for it.)

As for his family, the Bible says Christians should not marry if a couple is unequally yoked (unequal in your faith). In case you're curious, the verse in the Bible is 2 Corinthians 6:14 (biblegateway.com is an excellent resource).


ETA: In response to the previous poster, I strongly encourage you not to put up a facade for his family. Facades are a form of lying. You'd not only be lying to his family, but to yourself and your boyfriend as well. I can't imagine it would go over well with his family if they found out you were lying, especially about something that's clearly so important to them.

[Secrecy]

I feel you girl. I am in somewhat of the same situation, but oddly enough, it's on the flip side of the coin. My boyfriend is a non-believer flat out, and I am a Christian girl that, while not perfect, loves my God and savior with every living breath in me. Despite this however, I knowingly entered into a relationship with someone who did not believe like I did (I do not call myself religious, as religion is man-made, and I do not rest my faith on man in the spiritual sense), for multiple reasons. One, I simply fell in love with him. I picked apart my feelings little by little, and tried my best to be logical about the whole situation. But in the end, I never found someone who loved me and supported me so thoroughly like he does. Secondly, I actually wasn't looking for someone just like me... I know that seems strange for a believing girl to say, but I didn't want to enter into a relationship with someone just like me. I wanted to learn through this relationship, be taken on an adventure that I otherwise wouldn't if we were perfectly compatible. (And in some strange way, despite we are 150% different in most ways, we are compatible. I guess because we learn so much from each other through all this.) I've talked to him occasionally about my faith, and my belief, and he has openly admitted that I am the first person to ever get him remotely interested in the idea of a belief in a higher being. Of course that excites me, but I do not expect him to change for me... Only if he wants to.

However, my relationship has been kept secret from my dad because he is a very strong, believing man. I highly doubt he would ever outright disown my boyfriend from the family just because he wasn't a believer, but I (and he as well) probably would never hear the end of it from him. So I'm keeping it on the down-low for now, until I believe the time is right.

As for his family, it's really hard to say. The Bible does say that a man and a woman should not marry if they are not "equally yoked"; that is, share the same faith. However, on the flip-side, 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 does say a very intriguing verse, and that is this: "To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." So it is actually implying that if you enter into a marriage with someone who is not a believer, it is almost saying it is within God's best interest to stay with the person. It's a somewhat vague verse, but it does say it. The Bible is terribly mistranslated over the years though, so in the end, who really knows?

Not trying to be preachy, but just trying to explain it from a believer's point-of-view. I don't really believe it's as bad as they say it is; regardless of whether there is a Hell or Heaven or not, it's ultimately up to you what you want to believe. It does not "tarnish" your boyfriend's faith just because he is devoted to someone who does not believe like he does, but a lot of Christians see it that way, and don't exactly see the other side of the coin as well.

[Black_Halloween]

Haha, My boyfriend's grandparents are christian (he's pagan, which we both find pretty hilarious) and I pretty much don't care for any religion. His grandmother loves me though, so im not worried :P

[11MikesGirl21]

I've been Catholic my whole life and don't see myself being anything else. But, it is possible to believe in evolution and be a Christian. The Catholic Church even recognizes it as a part of Creation. But as for a relationship, Christians see a lot of building a relationship on a shared belief in God. A common saying I've heard is if a man wants a nice Catholic girl, he'll have to go to God to get her. Works either way, it's just a saying, but I think it goes along with what his family may be feeling.

But I mean, even the Catholic Church allows for "mixed" marriages between Catholics and non-Catholics as long as the non-Catholic promises to not interfere with the Catholic's practice of the Faith and raises the children as Catholic. And you don't appear to be wanting to turn your boyfriend agnostic, so I don't see a problem. That's just my two cents.

My boyfriend converted this past Easter. He's always felt something for the Catholic Faith, just never felt drawn towards it by a significant other before me. They were always something different, so he never could really gets the perspective he really wanted on it before he met me.

[kteire]

To be honest, this is one of the big reasons I fell out of love with Catholicism. I was angry about the fact that I was taught that anyone I loved who wasn't Christian (and even particular types of Christian, my Lutheran grandmother believed to the day she died that my mum would go to hell for being Catholic) would not be with me in heaven. I grew up with friends who were Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, agnostic, atheist, you name it. Although I am now an atheist, I can't imagine that the loving, benevolent God that the New Testament talks about would refuse someone a place in heaven who was a genuinely good person.

My advice is to inform yourself. The bible is massively subjective, and a lot of people will throw around verses that can mean different things to different people. I always found that my best way to try and speak to my Catholic family when they brought up my lack of faith was to be able to challenge what they'd say, in a positive way, like that quote from Corinthians that Secrecy posted. The parts about Jesus are all about love and acceptance, and if all else fails, say it's between you, your SO and God, as far as his family is concerned

[TwoThree]

Here is my honest opinion.

Do not convert for the sake of someone. Only do it if you are really convinced that you believe in the religion you decided to embrace. And you can only do that by studying those beliefs and reading up as much as you can. And I wouldn't advise going to a few bible studies sessions because there's the possibility you'll only hear the white-washed version of the whole thing. Read the scriptures and acquaint yourself with the history of the religion. I believe those things are very important if someone is going to change some aspects their way of life and principles for good.

Also, do not fake a conversion just to save your relationship with your SO, as that would do you both great harm if you eventually find out that you're not happy. His loves you and deserves that you be honest with him about everything.

Now, for your SO's family, they sound particularly strict to me. Maybe I've only been exposed to open-minded christians in my life. My SO's mother is a very devout Lutheran. You wouldn't believe the number of crosses and representations of Jesus and angels there are in her house. She's very active in her church, sings in the choir and everything. However she is fully aware of my muslim background, and knows that I am an atheist now, and she never even mentioned it, and seems quite happy that I'm going to marry her son. That's what loving people should be like, I think. They should encourage their children to find happiness wherever they can, and with whoever they can, they shouldn't let their own personal beliefs make them dictate to people around them what they should do with their lives. If there are relatives of your SO's who refuse to attend your wedding because your lack of belief in their faith offends them, that's their loss, and I don't think that makes them good people at all.

You and your SO seem to have a great relationship, and if it's not a problem to him not to marry a christian, then nothing else matters. I'm certain his parents will get over their disappointment. Also, you never know, maybe your SO's beliefs will change with time.

One last thing, though. There are things that really need to be discussed before you take things any further, such as how you plan on raising your children. Good luck.

[Tooki]

To be honest, this is one of the big reasons I fell out of love with Catholicism. I was angry about the fact that I was taught that anyone I loved who wasn't Christian (and even particular types of Christian, my Lutheran grandmother believed to the day she died that my mum would go to hell for being Catholic) would not be with me in heaven. I grew up with friends who were Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, agnostic, atheist, you name it. Although I am now an atheist, I can't imagine that the loving, benevolent God that the New Testament talks about would refuse someone a place in heaven who was a genuinely good person.

My advice is to inform yourself. The bible is massively subjective, and a lot of people will throw around verses that can mean different things to different people. I always found that my best way to try and speak to my Catholic family when they brought up my lack of faith was to be able to challenge what they'd say, in a positive way, like that quote from Corinthians that Secrecy posted. The parts about Jesus are all about love and acceptance, and if all else fails, say it's between you, your SO and God, as far as his family is concerned

That is why Protestantism came about. (And it's also a contributor to why I'm not religious).

But alas, his family will feel the way that they do, regardless of what you do to change that.

[Malaga]

But alas, his family will feel the way that they do, regardless of what you do to change that.

I agree with this.

I don't want to go into the religion debate, but I wanted to say that if someone requires you to change in order to be accepted, they'll always find yet another reason why you can't be 'perfect' for them.

I can't see eye to eye with people who follow the 'guidelines' literally with no regard of what they're supposed to mean. To the extent of boycotting weddings and condemning you to hell. Personally I would never want to marry into such a family. It's a lifetime of struggle and I'd lose more than I'd win.

You need more support from your boyfriend. He supposedly loves you for who you are and he knew what your beliefs were when you got together, so he needs to calm down his converting efforts. I know it's not easy standing up to your family and the way you've been raised, but if he really does want to marry you with all his heart as you say, then he needs to stand by you and show you that he likes you the way you are and help you resist their pressure for you to change. And if he can't do that, then is he really the partner you need in life?

[Malaga]

Also, if they are nice to you in person but talk against you behind your back, that doesn't mean they like you, just that they are two faced.

[WakeUpSusie]

I'll keep this short.

I was in a very similar situation as you. I was raised in a Christian household with very faithful and devout parents, as was I (although I do not agree with all of my church's doctrine). My boyfriend is not christian, and my parents originally had a difficult time accepting that we were serious despite the fact that they like him very much. It was a point of contention for many years.

Long story short, they eventually came around and got off my back about it. Once they realized that I wasn't going to change my beliefs for him (nor was he), they made peace with it. I'm a little concerned as to what will happen once we have children, but that's a bridge we can burn when we come to it.

[Darth_Taco]

I knew I had to answer this one @_@. First, I wanna address your issues of faith. I say this as a Christian, never convert for someone else. Faith is kind of difficult to describe, but I'll try my best. For me, faith is something that is embedded deep into my soul. It's the strongest feeling I have, and such a huge part of my identity. My love for my faith it something so intense that it is stronger for anyone or anything else in my life, that spreads and helps me love everything else that I love that much more. It is not blind following, because there is nothing wrong with questioning or even believing that aspects of your religion are wrong. No idea where to go from here XP. I just really don't know how to put it into words. Anyway, I really don't see you feeling this way for Christianity. Because of that, I think you're good the way you are. My boyfriend is agnostic, I don't try to convert him. At first it was weird, but when I saw how happy it made him and how he just seemed to have become a better person out of it, I knew I had nothing to be concerned about. I don't fear for his soul, because I genuinely believe in multiple paths to whatever we define as eternal salvation (assuming you believe in that :P). Seriously, not one person on this planet is the same as another. Why the hell should we all follow the same faith then? I say, go with what works for you. Just please feel the passion for it. Many would call me a bad Christian because of this. I bite them for that @_@. I'm not exaggerating, I still have issue with that XP. I then remind them that they're worse for judging me for it, for that is left up to God (or whoever is really up there).

Now to explain his family. They're crazy XP. That's the only explanation I have. I'm not saying they're bad people, not at all. I'm just saying that they're a tad bit nutty :P. I have no idea what you can tell them. I want to say I'm in a similar situation with my own extended family, but they're a level of fucking crazy I can't describe @_@. They look all normal on the outside, but hear them talking longer than 20 minutes and they'll start spewing their ridiculous "gays deserve AIDS" conspiracy theories. It doesn't help that I'm gay XP. Not sure they believe I tested negative either @_@. So yeah, really can't relate :'D.

Since your people seem to be significantly more normal, this is gonna be harder. Hmmm... I guess you can sit them down and talk. Tell them something like that you appreciate their concern, but they really need to back off and respect your relationship and your beliefs. If they say something about just being worried about your soul or something, turn it around on them. How would they feel if you were to tell them how concerned about the path they were leading and that you wanted to become agnostics? That you felt that their faith was negatively affecting your boyfriend and that they really needed make a change? When it comes to the future and your marriage, this is your marriage, not theirs. They're not a part of this relationship, and they don't know if this is going to be a mistake or not. If they're going to be so butthurt that they're gonna boycott the happiest day of your boyfriend's life because of their own personal thoughts, then they're welcome to be assholes (not sure how else to word that). Before any of this though, get into agreement with your boyfriend over how you're going to discuss this with them and what your answers are gonna be. If reason doesn't work, do what I do with my people. When religion gets brought up, pretend they're not talking XP. I find that the song that never ends works well :'D.

Oh Lord, this is long @_@. Good luck reading this XP. I haven't slept in almost 24 hours, I'm not editing! D:<

[efish1042]

A relationships is between you and the other person. If this person believes devoutly in God, then it is between you, the other person, and God. In now way does a relationship between you two involve the parents beyond the convenience of their approval (with exceptions in cases of minors).
If he is okay with your beliefs (or lack thereof), then what else matters? If he can't get over other people telling you that it isn't right because of different beliefs, then he isn't the right one for you anyway.
Anyone seen Fiddler on the Roof? Chava (Jewish) marries Fyedka (Russian Orthodox). Her parents don't approve, but still wish her all the happiness in the world and she is truly happy with Fyedka. It doesn't matter to them what others think beyond that things would be more pleasant if her parents approved. They are happy anyway.
If he can't be happy without his parents' and others' approval, then is that really love?
I'm not saying it isn't. Just food for thought.

[Chris516]

So, I bought promise rings for me and my boyfriend, and he told his mother who said she wasn't happy because that was a "promise of marriage someday"...in which she went off saying that marrying me wasn't all too great for his faith. He comes from a Christian family, pretty sure a lot of them are believers...and all of them, so far by my knowledge love me but I am an agnostic so I suppose they are against our relationship at the same time...which confuses me. They accept me yet they push me away like I am just a phase for my boyfriend? I can't really understand it.

My boyfriend claimed that he was tired of being told by others our relationship wasn't right because I'm not a believer. People at school, his family, and I'm sure church members have talked to him about it. He says his step-father has asked him why he was dating me and he finds the question insulting. So my boyfriend, although a strong believer himself, also loves me enough to pretty much not care what his family says, which is good but still I am extremely confused as to what his family thinks...It's like they act sweet and nice to me, like me, they think I'm a great girl, but behind my back ask questions to my boyfriend and advise him not to carry this to marriage? Why else would we be in this relationship if we didn't want to be together?

Another insulting thing his mother said was "Your grandfather probably wouldn't go to the wedding" and that she thinks his Grandmother (stepdad's mother) probably considers her marriage to her non-believing husband a mistake, though I don't know the whole story or if that's true. And my boyfriend also said he hoped he wouldn't be making a mistake...which hurt my feelings, but I didn't understand what he meant fully. I think it has something to do with his extreme fear of me going to hell, he is a very manly man but when that topic comes up I see his eyes starting to water and he speaks with such passion about not letting me go there, that he would do anything if he could to prevent it. So I think he means the mistake of marrying me puts this pressure of what will happen to me on his shoulders...but again, I didn't quite understand. Granted he does want to marry me with all his heart, I just think that's a super strong burden for him and why he is so persistent for me to see his faith. Since I in fact do believe there's a God, just skeptical on the Jesus part. He understands I'm not too thrilled with converting so he respects me, but one of my friends was agnostic as well when we first met in 2011, he and I met our significant others the same year, and now I've found out that he's become Mormon (his girlfriend was Mormon). Whether or not it was for her or himself I don't quite know. So my boyfriend (also friends with my now Mormon friend) I think has hope that I will begin to have faith, which I don't even know myself...It's just hard for me to believe in Jesus at this time, maybe if I had more information I'd believe, and its also a bit conflicting cause my boyfriend knows that I believe that God is possible but I also believe in evolution. So if I did convert, I guess I'd be a Christian who believes in evolution if that even exists haha.

Anyway, sorry for ranting!! So...how many of you have had to deal with the whole religion thing being an issue? And if your Christian, can you explain to me why his family is like this? Also, say I decide to believe, do I just announce I'm a Christian? I don't understand how you become something like that considering I have been only agnostic my whole life. Almost my whole family is (And I'm not trying to sound like I "Believe just to believe", I just mean that if I did truly accept the faith, how would I go about telling another). I'm mainly trying to understand what the big deal with marrying my SO someday is, whether or not I'm Christian or agnostic...either way it won't matter because my SO has his own mind and heart and loves me (I mean he knew I was agnostic from the get go and still strived for a relationship with me), BUT it does bother me to think at our ceremony his entire family may be shaking their heads or thinking "Well...he's certainly made a mistake." I don't usually care about other's opinions...but this is a family that I've accepted into my heart, and would like to be apart of, and not to mention raise my own children in someday...

Anyway, any thoughts? Thank you everyone!!!

The problem is, in the Bible it talks about being 'unequally yoked'.(in your case that means him being a Christian, and you not believing in God)