Christian family likes me but doesn't approve of marriage?

[mawlz2012]

Anyone seen Fiddler on the Roof? Chava (Jewish) marries Fyedka (Russian Orthodox). Her parents don't approve, but still wish her all the happiness in the world and she is truly happy with Fyedka. It doesn't matter to them what others think beyond that things would be more pleasant if her parents approved. They are happy anyway.
If he can't be happy without his parents' and others' approval, then is that really love?
I'm not saying it isn't. Just food for thought.

Actually, Tevye (Chava's father) throws a huge tantrum and disowns Chava and refuses to give her his blessing. He was dismayed that Tzeitel didn't marry Lazar Wolf and broke tradition by choosing her own mate, but her betrothed Motel was Jewish, so he was happy seeing her happy. And he was sad that Hodel felt destined to join Perchik in Siberia, but again, Perchik was a Jewish man, and Tevye was glad that Hodel loved him. But Tevye refuses to abide by Chava's decision. And, in the movie, they included an entire song and ballet sequence regarding how Chava's betrayal of tradition was breaking her father's heart. And when Golde (his wife) tries to convince him to change his mind, he refuses. He allows Chava to know where in America they will be at the very end of the musical, but he does not tell her himself, and he is dismayed that Golde passed the information on.

I'm going to be real, here. Faith-filled parents are heart-broken when a child finds love outside of the faith. It's just not the life that the parents dreamed up for their child while they held the little baby in their arms. Parents may grow to accept it, but they also may not. They dedicated their life to raising this child in a particular faith, and they feel betrayed when their child turns away from the faith in their choosing of a partner. Faith-filled parenting couples want their children's lives to be just like theirs was, and their lives didn't include inter-faith family rearing. Parents are going to be upset whenever their child lives in a way that they did not foresee, particularly in their selection of a mate, because the parents not only have to accept this mate as family, but they also have to rely on this mate for the rearing of grandchildren.

In the end, although we would all like to follow the tried-and-true, beaten path of tradition, sometimes we just have to adapt to what new adventures the world brings us. (Which is the overall theme of Fiddler on the Roof. Not, "Whatever makes you happy, I'll be happy.")

[reeseismypiece]

I'm going to reply as one message instead of individually replying to you all!

I gave my SO the promise ring, and he's more than happy to wear it even if his mom doesn't agree. We've talked about the whole family thing and when it comes down to it, he's doing whatever he wants and makes him happy, not whatever makes his family happy. He sees it as if they have a problem with it, that's all them and they can deal with it. He doesn't care either way what I choose to believe in, though he has hope I will begin to fully believe (instead of just believing in God) sometime later in life, but he respects whatever choice I make in the end. I think he's just happy being with me no matter what, and that's good enough for us!

As for my beliefs, I WOULDN'T change my beliefs for another, It almost happened in a past relationship and ruined a lot of things for me...almost ruined my relationship with my current boyfriend. So I've developed a mindset that I will believe whatever I think to be true, not what he or his family or anyone else thinks I should. So...maybe one day I will accept Jesus into my heart, and whatnot, but right now at this time, I can only consider it, not truly believe. I explained this to my SO, and like I said, he seems supportive of whatever I choose!

Finally, the children topic we've discussed a few times. He ultimately wants his children to grow up with God and being Christian, I personally don't have a problem with it anymore (it used to bother me but doesnt at all now). I told him though that we needed to compromise, and that if he took them to church or taught them his ways, that they also need to understand where I come from, what an agnostic is, and that they need to understand and accept other religions, and that when they grow up, they can believe whatever is in their hearts and love whoever they want as well. It is contradictory a bit with some Christian stuff, but I've seen kids that went to church a lot when they were young and ultimately change in faith later in life. Now does this mean I want my kids to believe something else? Not at all. I'm just pro-whatever they choose and makes them happy as long as it isn't Satanic in some way. He, as the father, sees it as his obligation to lead his family to faith. Which I understand, so I will never tell my kids "whats wrong and whats right" only to truly believe what they feel for. I think its a good compromise in the end and the only thing is the thought of my child asking if I'm going to hell, in which case I told my SO I would lock myself in our bedroom and he'd have to deal with explaining that one. I've heard it WAY too much from others and feel like I couldn't handle hearing it from my own kid! That's the only thought that bothers me, and I'm sure my SO will deal with it if it should ever happen. And if I become a believer then I may not have to at all!

Anyway!!! Thank you so much everyone for all the responses, it was really insightful to read and helped me learn and understand this situation better!

[memyselfandi2x2]

I'm sorry for using this topic as well for my own Christan vs. Non-Christian problems, but it's starting to bother me so much that I lie awake at night and it makes me a bit desperate.

My bf and I met in May this year, when I was working in England for a year as an au pair (I'm Dutch and currently back in Holland for my studies). As if having a LDR isn't enough, he is also a very serious Christian.
I knew he was a Christian right from the start, I also felt the importance of it for him, even though he didn't say it in that many words. I thought we could work out a third way and we sort of are right now, but we are dealing with several issues here...

For one: sex. Him being a guy he finds it really hard not to have sex, and yes, it happened a few times, he just can't resist. The thing is, he feels SOOO guilty afterwards and most of the time already cuts it off in the middle of it. I have told him that I don't mind not having sex till marriage and always ask him when we are about to if he actually wants to, but for some reason he says yes most of the time. He once said it's because he knows it's important to me, but I explained to him many times that having actual sex is not the most important thing to me. I like sex, I love him, I have no problem waiting (even though I do think that it's better to already have a sexual relationship as well before you get married).

For two: I have no idea if he sees this as a temporary thing since he did honestly say that he think it would give a lot of issues if him and I would marry, him being a Christian. However I also know that I'm very special to him. He is very careful when it comes down to having a girlfriend and more than one have told me that I'm very special to him, cause he wouldn't be having an LDR with me otherwise and be with me while I'm not a Christian. He tells me a lot that I'm very special to him as well himself, but I do think he is a bit desperate with me not being a Christian (and I would never become a Christian, that's for sure).

I told him I think we can find a third way that will work for us. I don't mind if he wants to raise our children as Christians as long as I can tell them my side of the story as well. He is raised as a Christian and he is the most pure-hearted, hones and honourable guy I know, so I don't mind if my kids grow up like that as well. However, it does really hurt me knowing that he feels so awful about it, especially about having sex. He would never harm a thing or anyone but he feels like he does by having sex and that just makes me so angry at times.

I don't really know what my question is to be honest, I'm just wondering what you think about the whole sex-topic and if I should already break it off with him now if we both know this might not work (I believe it might though, I think he just doesn't). Breaking up with him would break me.. We are perfect together aside from the stupid religion-issue.

Sorry for the wall of text...

[TwoThree]

I'm not really sure what to say about your situation...


... Except this: You guy strikes me as really dishonest. I do understand his guilt after (or during) having sex, I guess it's part of being religious and breaking the rules, but to go as far as blaming it on you, putting the burden of his own "weakness" (I'll call it humanity) on you because "you want it" even though you made it clear that you were fine with not having sex until married... wow. That's... just... disgusting to me, sorry.

Hope you work things out eventually.

[lyonsgirl]

He once said it's because he knows it's important to me, but I explained to him many times that having actual sex is not the most important thing to me. I like sex, I love him, I have no problem waiting (even though I do think that it's better to already have a sexual relationship as well before you get married). [...]
I don't really know what my question is to be honest, I'm just wondering what you think about the whole sex-topic and if I should already break it off with him now if we both know this might not work (I believe it might though, I think he just doesn't). Breaking up with him would break me.. We are perfect together aside from the stupid religion-issue.

If you're serious about this relationship, and it seems to me like you are, take a step for him. We all have our weaknesses-he is one of the lucky ones to know what his is. You do, as you mentioned, like sex. But, as you also pointed out, you love him. If this is really tearing him up inside, maybe you need to be the one to say "no", because it's clear that he is unable to. I'm not trying to say that your boyfriend is any less of a man. Honestly, I think a guy that can admit his biggest weakness is stronger than those who cannot.

I'm not saying you absolutely must, but if I were in that position, I'd think about it. Feel free to message me if you want. I did not grow up Christian, but accepted Jesus into my heart nearly 2 years ago.

[memyselfandi2x2]

I'm not really sure what to say about your situation...


... Except this: You guy strikes me as really dishonest. I do understand his guilt after (or during) having sex, I guess it's part of being religious and breaking the rules, but to go as far as blaming it on you, putting the burden of his own "weakness" (I'll call it humanity) on you because "you want it" even though you made it clear that you were fine with not having sex until married... wow. That's... just... disgusting to me, sorry.

Hope you work things out eventually.

I get that from what I wrote it feels to you like he is just blaming it on me, but really thatīs not the case. He knows that he is the one who canīt be strong about it and (especially after a drink) the urge is just too hard for him to control I think. I don't know how it works for guys... but I am a girl and I already find it hard to say no or ask him if he actually wants to. And especially if he just says 'yes' in the blur of the moment..

[memyselfandi2x2]

Thank you very much Lyonsgirl, I actually will message you