Again, and I need advice

[Tooki]

Maybe it is for the best if you are given the (honest) opinions of your relationship by people outside of it. Maybe you should be upset at what your relationship has come. Like it or not, if you are too stubborn to consider options outside of your comfort zone, you will be forever stuck in the rut that you currently sit in.

But I do take some merit in what MaggieS said as well. YOU need to make a proactive effort to better yourself personally, instead of just playing the "Oh I'm getting treated for my depression etc".

You need to do everything that YOU can do to better yourself, so you can be better for HBB.

[Jezah]

This whole thing has made me realize my therapist(s) are not cutting it, I am either fooling them into thinking I am doing much better than I am or they don't care to dig. Been thinking about starting expressive art therapy and yesterday I made an appointment with a place that does it. Maybe it will make a difference since regular therapy seems to just make me feel like I need to put on a happy face and it gets me nowhere.

As far as HBB needing to come here to "learn" how I feel...that is true and not true at the same time. If he opened his ears and payed more attention when we talked he wouldn't have to, but obviously he doesn't and reading it here in a non-attacking way he seems to 'get it' more. Frustrating.

Now I feel a need to clear something up here about depression. Several people have really bothered me by writing that they believe depression is able to be defeated by a mindset change, or just really wanting it to be. Like someone else said, real true depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and that is NOT something you can fix just from sheer willpower. Like I have hypothyroidism, which means my body doesn't make enough thyroid hormone so I gain weight feel crap ect. I really don't want that, I would love my body to lose weight and stop with the sluggish hormones....but all the "wanting" in the world will NOT make my body secrete more hormone. So I have to be on thyroid replacement medication to supplement, just like people with depression usually go on meds that help their bodies secrete more serotonin aka the "feel good hormone".

That said, some people can and do recover from depression and do NOT need to be on meds for life. Main reason is, there are 3 types of depression. Number one is dysthymia which is the hardest to be diagnosed with since it is out of all of them the most "medical", its a constant low level of depression that never lifts but sometimes gets slightly better. Then there is number 2, Major Depressive Disorder which is the most common and the one most people here seem to have had. It means it ebbs and flows throughout your life but that sometimes you can go years and years without a single depressed day then crash again. Last one, number 3, is Situational Depression which is quite simple the "My mom died, my life sucks" depression that goes away once you learn how to cope. If you have either of the last two then yes, its possible with a mindset change you can recover either permanently or for quite a long time. I have both dysthymia and MDD, so I am constant low level of depression that spikes from time to time. Its awful but I didn't write this to wallow, just to explain that just because you and your type of depression was fixed by you changing your mindset, does not mean I can too if only I wanted it badly enough. [/rant]

[lucybelle]

I don't know if this really will relate to you or not, but here we go.

My cousin had an awful childhood. It's a long story but basically an abusive father who ended up in jail, and a negligent mother who gave up my cousin and her brothers twice. She was finally adopted (at age 16) by my aunt who is insane. She really is. She's on all sorts of meds, freaks out about stuff, gets angry, etc. And of course my cousin has enough issues of her own. They were poison for eachother. Long drawn out fights followed by excessive dependency. Finally, my mom decided to take in my cousin. That was just two weeks ago. My cousin is already happier, she's lost 10 lbs (has at least another 80 to go), she's got a job, is looking for an apartment, and is overall much better off. What she needed was stability. That's what you need.

[MaggieS]

This whole thing has made me realize my therapist(s) are not cutting it, I am either fooling them into thinking I am doing much better than I am or they don't care to dig. Been thinking about starting expressive art therapy and yesterday I made an appointment with a place that does it. Maybe it will make a difference since regular therapy seems to just make me feel like I need to put on a happy face and it gets me nowhere.

As far as HBB needing to come here to "learn" how I feel...that is true and not true at the same time. If he opened his ears and payed more attention when we talked he wouldn't have to, but obviously he doesn't and reading it here in a non-attacking way he seems to 'get it' more. Frustrating.

Now I feel a need to clear something up here about depression. Several people have really bothered me by writing that they believe depression is able to be defeated by a mindset change, or just really wanting it to be. Like someone else said, real true depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and that is NOT something you can fix just from sheer willpower. Like I have hypothyroidism, which means my body doesn't make enough thyroid hormone so I gain weight feel crap ect. I really don't want that, I would love my body to lose weight and stop with the sluggish hormones....but all the "wanting" in the world will NOT make my body secrete more hormone. So I have to be on thyroid replacement medication to supplement, just like people with depression usually go on meds that help their bodies secrete more serotonin aka the "feel good hormone".

That said, some people can and do recover from depression and do NOT need to be on meds for life. Main reason is, there are 3 types of depression. Number one is dysthymia which is the hardest to be diagnosed with since it is out of all of them the most "medical", its a constant low level of depression that never lifts but sometimes gets slightly better. Then there is number 2, Major Depressive Disorder which is the most common and the one most people here seem to have had. It means it ebbs and flows throughout your life but that sometimes you can go years and years without a single depressed day then crash again. Last one, number 3, is Situational Depression which is quite simple the "My mom died, my life sucks" depression that goes away once you learn how to cope. If you have either of the last two then yes, its possible with a mindset change you can recover either permanently or for quite a long time. I have both dysthymia and MDD, so I am constant low level of depression that spikes from time to time. Its awful but I didn't write this to wallow, just to explain that just because you and your type of depression was fixed by you changing your mindset, does not mean I can too if only I wanted it badly enough. [/rant]

Like I said, arguing with a wall here. Ok, honey, you're right, you're the martyr, it's your therapists that are ruining your mind, not you. It's everyone elses fault, not yours. Keep thinking like that and of course you'll be depressed for life--you've effectively removed the responsibility of your own happiness from your shoulders.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Like I said, arguing with a wall here. Ok, honey, you're right, you're the martyr, it's your therapists that are ruining your mind, not you. It's everyone elses fault, not yours. Keep thinking like that and of course you'll be depressed for life--you've effectively removed the responsibility of your own happiness from your shoulders.

I usually don't get into things like this, but whatever. I'm going to this time.
I didn't read her posts as her trying to put the blame onto everyone except herself. She was talking about trying different forms of treatment to get better (on her own and without someone convincing he to do so) and to do that then you have to know that there is something wrong with you. I'm not saying that she is completely in the right here and it's everyone else who is wrong, but she's not completely in the wrong here either. You seem to be getting defensive because she is saying that her depression can't be treated by sheer 'will power', when honestly, a lot of people's can't. I'm glad that yours was a case that could be overcome that way, but just because her situation isn't the same as yours, and her issues don't seem to match yours, you keep telling her that she is at fault (which can honestly push some people further into depression by making them feel like everything that is wrong with them, and in their life, is their fault). I personally know a few people who would absolutely love to be able to will their depression (and possibly other mental issues as well) away, but it just isn't possible for them and they just can't do it.

I don't see where she is playing the martyr, just where you disagree with her so your automatically jumping to the conclusion that she's basically just looking for attention and not really looking for help. The 'arguing with a wall' thing can go two ways, and if I were you (and honestly, LittleVari as well), I would take a look at my own posts before automatically classifying her into this category and pretty much crucifying her for having a different experience and opinion than yourself.

I'm honestly not trying to really upset anyone or tell anyone that they're completely in the wrong here, because they aren't.. but from the outside looking in and reading all the posts, it just seems like Jezah has been tried, convicted, and sent out to be hanged without her entire story/situation even being taken into consideration.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I've refrained from chiming in here because I really have nothing nice or productive to say, but I have to ask: what do you want from us, Jezah? Why do you make these threads when you know very well that your relationship is deeply dysfunctional? What are you looking for? The fact that you've exhausted this place's nearly inexhaustible supply of head-pats and validation should tell you something. You need to break up with your boyfriend and focus on your own mental health. There's really no other advice for you.

Also, MaggieS, I do appreciate where you're coming from, but saying depression is a lifestyle choice is so mind-blowingly offensive I don't even know where to begin. Yes, learning coping skills is essential, and Jezah's locus of control issues might be visible from space, but in principle, what you're saying isn't fair to anyone who has suffered from depression.

[MaggieS]

Frantic Love, I understand where you're coming from, and I understand that a lot of people disagree with me on this, and you're more than welcome to your own opinion of it, but so am I, and I'm not going to stop holding people to a certain standard when I've seen myself and others reach such a standard. Honestly, if someone can beat back schizophrenia with their diseased mind, I see absolutely no reason why anyone can't do the same with depression.

And I'm not saying she's a martyr and an attention seeker because she disagrees with me, I'm saying she's a martyr because from what I've read, I see her shift blame a lot. I see an inability to accept responsibility. And I don't actually consider her an attention seeker, I said she has attention seeking habits. (Such as posting a dramatic exit from the entire forum, and then just having to check back to see what everyone said about it, or screwing around with her life while on camera.)

I am neither judge, jury, nor executioner, I am but a simple observer, and I have considered her story(what has been presented, at least) to the point that it upsets me if I'm reminded about it throughout my day. When that happens, I feel the need to share my opinion.



Also, CynicalQuixotic, I am sorry if I've offended you, but again, I am allowed my opinion as you are allowed yours. It is my opinion, I do not claim it to be a fact, that people can overcome depression with sheer willpower. It is also my opinion that some people do need help before they can reach such a point, but that everyone can and will get there if they're willing to fight for it.

[ST25]

Okay, besides the whole mental health issue, STOP. Now you're just dancing around the issue. You're probably not even going to check this forum anymore, but come on. START FOCUS ON YOURSELF. You're 26 years old - at least some part of that outcome should have came to you sooner or later. If not, then all I'm going to have to say is: 'You've made your bed, now you're gonna have to lie in it'. Harsh, but it's true if you're going to keep letting this agonize you in the future. Because you've already made your decision.

[Anna N' Luc]

How can you say that a change of mindset cannot help depression then in the next paragraph state that 2/3 types of depression can? I'm sorry but that just doesn't make sense. From what I've read, everyone who is backing the mindset/willpower theory is not saying that EVERYONE can change like that, we have all said SOME people can and the fact that these people can overcome their depression like that does not for one second mean that they are not truly depressed and while saying that some (once again, some, not all) people can change their mindset has offended some people, stating that the people who can did not have depression in the first place seems a bit offensive doesn't it?

[Jezah]

the fact that these people can overcome their depression like that does not for one second mean that they are not truly depressed and while saying that some (once again, some, not all) people can change their mindset has offended some people, stating that the people who can did not have depression in the first place seems a bit offensive doesn't it?

I never said if you were able to overcome depression you never had it. Lets just clear that right up.

How can you say that a change of mindset cannot help depression then in the next paragraph state that 2/3 types of depression can? I'm sorry but that just doesn't make sense.

I said it was possible, did I say likely or commonplace? No. Its also possible I will win the lottery tomorrow and then be hit by lightning, again, not likely but possible. Lots of things are POSSIBLE, but not LIKELY. So yes, some people are either incredibly lucky or stronger than I am and have defeated the ogre that is depression with the power of their mind alone. That is incredible, awesome, and congratulations to those who have. However for those people to turn to me and say "You just must not want it enough" is like a lottery winner turning to me and saying "Why do you still eat Ramen? If you wanted to you could be rich as well!". They did something not many people can, and to hold me and others with depression to that standard is the height of ignorance.

[Back on topic...]

I really don't get why I am being seen as a martyr here, or looking for attention. I actually honestly wanted advice, not attention or sympathy. Yes I did leave the forum, and I guess that was dramatic but can anybody here say they have never felt so overwhelmed they just threw up their hands and said "F it?". That was essentially what I did, and after a nights sleep I realized that I was perhaps a bit hasty. I have been a member here since nearly the start of me and HBB, and posted numerous times and not all about myself. I love LFAD, and I don't want to leave it.

I will say that today I looked up ticket prices with HBB and found him coming here for x-mas would be astronomically expensive. He decided he cannot afford it, and so instead he is coming mid January for a week. I, shockingly, kept my cool and was able to handle this change without freaking out. Funny enough, I kept thinking to myself as he was explaining his change to me "What would the LFADer's say?" and kept me calm. I breathed, realized it was a plan change and NOT the end of the world. Perhaps that is a "Uh...well duh" moment for most of you, but I do not handle changes in plans well at all. I know this, its stupid and pathetic, but its how I am. The fact that my x-mas just changed completely to be absent HBB is huge, yet I let it go.

I know I am not the most normal girl out there, I know I have many numerous issues...but I am trying. Think what you will, but I am. I think I made a change already, just being able to let that go, but I am incredibly hesitant to say that. I just know that having it hammered into me here that perhaps I tend to overreact just a wee bit has made me pause before I lose my proverbial sh*t. Tomorrow is art therapy, and maybe that will also help.

MaggieS, you have no idea what you are talking about. I didn't blame my therapists for my issues, I simply said they didn't dig. My PTSD issues happened when I was too young and I repressed them to death, so going into my therapists and having us have a nice conversational chat every single week was not cutting it. I need to get my emotions out, and I don't know how. Its like they are stuck behind a wall and I can't work through them when I can't reach them. Honestly I don't know you, but you don't know me or what I have been through...so I will not judge you if you refrain from judging me m'k? No matter how much you think you relate, doesn't give you any right to be frankly bullying like you have been.

[MadMolly]

I'm happy you handled the change in plans well. Life is full of unexpected changes, and even if you don't handle change well, it's just something you are going to have to cope with. And remember, nobody can afford 3 month breaks if they have a job - that is something unheard of. I went to see my guy in Canada for a month and that was my entire leave for the year all in one go, plus some extra I had to work for. Coming all the way from England is very expensive so you *must* adapt to flexible visiting times. Keep working on not freaking out at change, it sounds like you're doing well so far. Just remember... change is *not* a big deal, it's just how life is!

[Anna N' Luc]

Now I feel a need to clear something up here about depression. Several people have really bothered me by writing that they believe depression is able to be defeated by a mindset change, or just really wanting it to be. Like someone else said, real true depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and that is NOT something you can fix just from sheer willpower. Like I have hypothyroidism, which means my body doesn't make enough thyroid hormone so I gain weight feel crap ect. I really don't want that, I would love my body to lose weight and stop with the sluggish hormones....but all the "wanting" in the world will NOT make my body secrete more hormone. So I have to be on thyroid replacement medication to supplement, just like people with depression usually go on meds that help their bodies secrete more serotonin aka the "feel good hormone". [/rant]

This is what I was referring to.