We may be not be helping each other to progress?

So I'm kind of concerned now because of this:

My school is one to give tons of homeworks and I have a scholarship to keep, so my grades have to be outstanding. Hence I have no time to have work experience until summers. But my SO comes in summer, so working means no time with him (unless it is a part time job of course).

The other time of the year when we meet is in january, when I'm already in school. This january will be really really hard because I'm into a course that will work as if we were practically ar work instead of school. This will mean I will be at school practically all day, 5 days a week, and I do wonder at what time will I go out with him if I always get enough hw as to spend most of my saturday working. So the future for this visit in january does not really seem as bright...

But I'm also thinking I shouldn't really stay behind just because I'm in an LDR. I can't stop doing the things I should be doing at my age, and I'm not talking about parties, traveling, being in love and hanging out with my SO and stuff. I'm talking about the other things, like getting the best out of my career, become experienced in work, have money of my own. Those cold, capitalistic things that are perhaps less important than love, but are important nonetheless and must be done unless I want to live with my mother forever. I'm feeling left behind because my friends have all worked by now, except for me, and until I finish my career there seems to be no time for that. The only "work" I've done was to sell drawings and I even illustrated a children's book, but it does not seem like a formal job. For God's sake, a friend of mine has an enterprise of his own, and I have nothing.


What do you think of this? Have you ever received a visit from your SO's and been unable to be with him/her because of work? It this happened every time he came, and we only see each other every 5 to 7 months, do you think the relationship is going anywhere?

I don't really want to break up with him :/ I just wished I could find the perfect balance to do everything.

[Tooki]

I visit my GF during my summer (with the same dilemnas that you have, especially losing the opportunity to work full-time for 3 or so months). She hasn't visited me yet, but she would visit during her summer (my winter break, which is about 1 month long). I visit my GF while she is still in school, so I'm only with her in the afternoon/nights and weekend. She could have a weekend job, but she is willing to give it up to spend that time with me.

I help her out with her study though, so could your SO help you out in this regard?

I'm lucky to visit my GF every 4-5 months, and as I get into the back end of my degree I will need to do internships in the summer to prepare me for graduate work.

You also seem to be really focused on school, which is great! If you are unable to work around both things effectively, then you need to cut back on one of the two things. You need to consider what is more important to you.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm in a situation similar to yours. I'm international with my SO, we see each other every 5 months, but we're not sure if we're going to get an opportunity to visit this year. I'm in university, he's in full time work to save up for university. So we're both pretty busy.

Something I think is important to keep in perspective is that when you visit your SO, it's your holiday, not theirs. Unfortunately, their everyday life goes on, so it's more like dipping into their reality for a little while.

I think that if your SO does come to visit, don't be thinking "I'll only be able to spend X amount of time with him", think more "He's coming to visit, I get to spend time with him". I know it's difficult juggling visits and work (I had exams during the first part of my SO's last visit here, so I was studying pretty long hours) but it's not impossible. Every time I've been to see my SO, he's been tied up in work and university and everything. You have to enjoy the time you can realistically give to the other person.

In terms of thinking of breaking up... Is the distance really becoming that big an issue for you? If you really broke up, would you spend your time wondering "what if we'd stayed together"? Are there any other reasons that would make you consider breaking up with him? You did say that you don't think you're missing out on "parties, traveling, being in love", so it's the time consuming visits that are problematic, rather than the actual relationship.

One thing that will help your sanity: Stop measuring your success against your peers' successes. It sounds mean, but there's nothing to say that even if you did spend all the time you'd normally visit working on stuff that you would have as much success. I'm not saying you wouldn't either, but I think this is a counting your eggs before they're hatched. You're trying to measure the worth of your relationship against something you could not possibly guarantee yourself. Don't beat yourself up.

If you want to make the most of that time, and visit, look and see if there are any options for interning or working wherever you visit him. If that's not possible, you can stay back and work on an internship and effectively skip a visit.

Easier said than done, I know. But these are all the sorts of things I've been thinking about too. Just... if you're going to break up with someone, there's got to be a good reason. And I think that the majority of people in LDRs have a good reason to BE in one in the first place. It has to be something special to put in that effort. Which is why I'm not just saying "Break up with him". I think it's important to make a measured, thought through decision.

Good Luck

[Malaga]

My boyfriend can never take time off when I'm there visiting. We only get evenings and weekends together. It's not really a big deal, in fact we prefer it that way. It feels more real.

Tooki said it's all about priorities. There's nothing wrong with making ambition a priority over relationships. But you need to make sure you're on the same page there. Has he made any requests of you regarding how much time you spend together? Maybe he feels the same as you regarding his career. If you're both comfortable with the dynamic of your relationship, then who's to say it doesn't have a future?

Just, don't think that you're necessarily left behind if someone's achieved a goal before you did. As the song says, "Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself."

[sewbama]

It is definitely possible to progress in your education and career during an LDR. It's just harder (isn't everything?). I lived with my SO for a year while I got my masters, and then moved away when I decided to pursue a PhD. It sucks. A lot. But I did it. You can sacrifice that time with him. You just have to decide it's worth it. For me, I couldn't pursue a PhD and be CD. Where he lives, there aren't opportunities for what I want to do. I'm not all that far away, but I am away. I don't get to see him. You have to be willing to give something up.

For me, I couldn't not pursue this, and spend the rest of my life wondering, perhaps coming to resent my SO for being the reason I hadn't. He knew this as well as I did, probably better. And he's always there. He's not going to leave me just because I'm not able to spend a lot of time with him. He's told me that I'm the constant in his life. No matter what else comes and goes or changes or disappears, he knows he has me and our love. For me, it's the same. Just because we don't live in the same place or see each other as much as we want to doesn't mean we love each other any less. I can have him and be here.

So, if you can't have him and be at school, then you have to choose. But just because you can't see him while you're at school doesn't mean you can't still have him. If he loves you, and if you love him, you can make it work. So pursue your things. He'll likely understand and support it, even if it means seeing you less.

ETA:
So, I might catch some heat for this, but I feel it important to add. I am in a bit different situation in that I see my SO regularly. Every other weekend, sometimes more. Plus school breaks. He's only 200 miles away. Some might say that's awesome. I'm not sure it's any better. But the truth is, we have to go about our lives during visits. We're both PhD students, and as such are extremely busy. So, we have work and meetings and studying and reading to do while we're together. We HAVE to let life go on and not give it up for each other. There's no way to block that much time out every time. (Sometimes we are lucky enough to be able to ignore school while together, but that only means the time before or after is that much busier and more stressful. It's a trade off.)

Honestly, this is something every couple deals with, but for CD couples it's a lot easier. When you're LD you jealously and obsessively guard the time you actually get to spend with them. So it's almost impossible to loosen your grip on that time and allow life to go on. But you do have to. Otherwise you'll come to resent it. I've done that before in a previous LD relationship. You have to realize that life is just as much a part of your relationship as your relationship is a part of your life. And it will forever be that way. The sooner you can deal with that and work together to figure it out, the better.