Moving advice needed.

[MadMolly]

Okay, for some background info - sorry cats, this is gonna be a long one!

I am in love with a guy who lives in Canada. I am an Australian who lives in New Zealand. I've been involved with this guy for about a year and a half now, I love him to bits though I have always refused to call him my boyfriend because (and I know it's going to sound stupid especially in this forum) I really hate thinking I'm in a long-distance relationship. I was in one before and I swore I'd never do it again, so I'm just being stubborn here I guess because I guess in most ways he IS a boyfriend... just one who is 12 thousand km away.

I have flown over to visit him twice; the first time to meet and I was there for 2 weeks (October 2011) and again for a month and a half in July-August this year. Both times were wonderful and I totally fell in love with the country of Canada too. Both times however I decided that after this, it would be over. Again, the distance felt "too much" for me. I have briefly entertained plans of moving there on a working holiday visa many times but I always shoot them down in my mind for being too complicated and too silly and what if it doesn't work out?? That idea is TERRIFYING to me. Coupled with the fact that he tours a lot in his band, I'd have to be alone in a new city for a month or so at a time, several times a year.

So yeah, I keep dismissing the idea, but I cannot deny that I am unhappy here. As I said before, I'm Australian but living in NZ. I do not like this country and I have never liked it. I have plenty of friends here but I make friends very easily, that sort of thing isn't a problem for me, so I decided once I got back from Canada that I was going to move back to Australia and start fresh there and move on with my life.

Here is where I start thinking about Canada again. Even though I say we're not together, we still talk on the phone every day, send eachother gifts, etc etc. We never talk about our feelings or whatever because if we start doing that then it crosses my invisible "not in a relationship" line, but if I ever bring up anything emotional he reciprocates fully and asks me to move there. I start thinking about it more. Then a couple weeks ago, a group of my good friends all inform me they are moving to Vancouver for a year and I should join them! Vancouver is not my guy's city, it's about a 1.5 hour flight away from there.

Still with me?

So now I'm tossing up between Melbourne vs Vancouver. Parents are supportive of Vancouver, I have plenty of friends there, I love the city, it's only for a year, I could visit my guy all the time... but we still wouldn't be in a proper close-distance relationship. It wouldn't move forward at all. If anything, it might be even harder. I tell him this and he tells me to move to his city, with him, just for a year. Give it a shot for ONE year. There are TONS of jobs in my field there, it pays a good 10k more a year there than what I currently earn, and I really do like his city. I also made plenty of friends there on my last visit. Even if it didn't work out, I could happily stay there, or go anywhere else in Canada and keep experiencing the beautiful country for the extent of my visa.

But it's scary. At least in Australia it's familiar and I have family everywhere and I'm a hop and a skip back to my friends and immediate family in NZ. And it's permanent too.

So basically my advice is... do I stop being so stubborn and give this a real shot instead of hanging onto a guy I can't have but don't want to let go of? Or do I finally cut contact, mark him off as the one who got away, and move back to Australia and live there?

[stephanieaz]

I think you should go for it! Think of it as an adventure. From the background information you've given, there really doesn't seem like any reason not to try it on a trial basis. Yes, you could get hurt, but it could also pay off big-time. The risk may be worth the reward, but you'll never know until you give it a go. From what you've said, he seems like a good guy with never-ending patience. And if, for some reason, the relationship doesn't work out - you said yourself that there would still be plenty of opportunities for you there and then you could always move back to Australia after the year is up. Good luck with your decision.

[MadMolly]

Oh, I forgot to mention this, and it may sound silly to some people but it pretty much is in the top 5 reasons for making me not wanna move there - apparently the winters in his city get to -30 or around that. I've never even seen snow! I can't even imagine how I will cope. But I guess people cope every year...

[lucybelle]

Give it a shot!!! You two have been attempting to sabotage this relationship for the longest! Guess what-- you can't. You're in love. Move to your lover and give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, you have more abroad experience. But if it does....

[Sora1101]

Give it a shot!!! You two have been attempting to sabotage this relationship for the longest! Guess what-- you can't. You're in love. Move to your lover and give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, you have more abroad experience. But if it does....

Amen to this

[MadMolly]

Haha, I just started thinking about "what if it DOES work out?" and I think that thought terrifies me even more!

[Xanahtas]

I would go for it! Sounds like a great chance for an adventure for you!

And i wouldnt worry about the cold tooooo much, my SO used to live in Dubai where it never went colder than like 20 degrees c, he moved to Canada and his first winter hit him pretty hard, but he says you get used to it pretty fast! Just make sure you have lots of warm stuff to wear :P

[Tooki]

Go to Vancouver! You can move back across the ditch whenever you please.

And Melbourne is the right choice . There is also a vibrant music scene (which I assume you probably know) so your BF can always do an Aussie Tour.

[flugelhorn]

I am Canadian & here is what I will say about winters in Canada: yes, they are cold. BUT I actually found myself being colder when I was in London, UK. Why?? In Canada we actually have heating in every single home, restaurant, museum, shopping centre, etc etc etc. You will never (at least I never have & I'm almost 24) go inside a building in Canada & be cold in the winter because everything is properly insulated & heated (unlike England).

In regards to snow: I've met who experienced snow for the first time LOVED it! I'm sure it will be something to remember.

I say try it in your guy's city first & you're right, you can always switch it up later. Canada is a big place! May I ask which city your guy lives in?? I've lived in Toronto most my life but also Ottawa for a year so I'm happy to answer any questions if you have any.

Do you know the SWAP program?? I just got my visa to England through them & they were awesome.

[Pixel]

I say go for it! See what happens!
Honestly I've lived here my whole life and I'm still not used to the cold! Haha, but winter is beautiful. It'll definitely be quite an experience!

[MadMolly]

He lives in Edmonton And yeah, I have Canadian friends here who say NZ winters (which rarely go below freezing) are worse than Canadian because nobody has insulated houses here :P It's just the waiting in bus stops in -30 degree weather that freaks me out...

[Zephii]

I will never understand your love for Canada, but, weirdly enough, I think Canada is the obvious option here.

Go do it! The WHP for Aussies going to Canada is cheap and gives you two years to sort your shit out. You could do a year in Vancouver and a year in Alberta if you wanted to. But, you have to do it before you're 30. Australia, on the other hand, will always be here and will always welcome you. Australia makes a great back up plan - but really right now, it's the boring easy option, and who wants that?

It's scary to think of moving but look how freaking happy you are every time you're in Canada! So what if in the end it doesn't work out? At least you'll know you gave it a shot and you had a blast doing it. And if it does work out? That's great! ok, so immigration is a bit shit, but it's not the end of the world. Canada is pretty easy to get into, compared to a lot of places. And you have loads of support.

Life is for living!

[Tooki]

He lives in Edmonton And yeah, I have Canadian friends here who say NZ winters (which rarely go below freezing) are worse than Canadian because nobody has insulated houses here :P It's just the waiting in bus stops in -30 degree weather that freaks me out...

You also climatise to an extent as well. When I was living in Tallinn, Estonia over Winter (Guaranteed -15C days in the middle of winter), you get used to the cold. And snow is a LOT better than rain.

[MadMolly]

I will never understand your love for Canada, but, weirdly enough, I think Canada is the obvious option here.

Go do it! The WHP for Aussies going to Canada is cheap and gives you two years to sort your shit out. You could do a year in Vancouver and a year in Alberta if you wanted to. But, you have to do it before you're 30. Australia, on the other hand, will always be here and will always welcome you. Australia makes a great back up plan - but really right now, it's the boring easy option, and who wants that?

It's scary to think of moving but look how freaking happy you are every time you're in Canada! So what if in the end it doesn't work out? At least you'll know you gave it a shot and you had a blast doing it. And if it does work out? That's great! ok, so immigration is a bit shit, but it's not the end of the world. Canada is pretty easy to get into, compared to a lot of places. And you have loads of support.

Life is for living!

I was hoping you'd give advice here Zephii because I know you have done this exact thing. Wahhh you guys are totally all swaying me to think more positively about this now, haha. And the only reason you say that about my love for Canada is because you live in the #1 best country in the world already!

[marbear31]

Have you ever heard the song "Free-falling" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers? That concept of free-falling has always held inordinate fascination for me, that desire to cast ourselves into the universe, and let come what may.

I think the fact that we all here are in LDRs (or whatever we call them) are free-falling in a way. (Any relationship is, really.) I firmly believe the old adage, if something is meant to happen, it'll happen. Like Zephii said, you've already tried to sabotage this relationship by convincing yourself it wasn't worth it because of the distance, etc. If he's still there for you after all this time, if somehow, someway, you both have stuck together through this year and a half, and you can't deny that you feel things for him, regardless of what you call your status--think about why you're fighting so hard against it.

You say, "Why?" I say, "Why not?" Take that chance. Free fall. What really struck me about your post is that you swore never to do LDR again, yet somehow you find yourself communicating with this man as a lover in all but name because of a previous relationship. If we all acted in our current relationships based on previous ones, I'd say we'd all be marrying replicas of our high school sweethearts. :P One thing I've learned in my relationship with my SO is that this relationship is separate from any other relationship (and I'm talking widely here--friendship, acquaintance, etc.) I've ever had. He's a different person and different circumstance. My SO is albeit my first boyfriend, but I've had an extremely complicated and close relationship with another guy friend who strung me along and used me for the emotional gratification of a girlfriend...long story.

Anyway, I think you should give your guy a chance. He obviously loves you, and I think you know in your heart of hearts you're simply denying loving him on the surface. It's kind of one of those unspoken truths about yourself, you know? Don't be afraid; he sounds like a wonderful man, who's just waiting in the wings for you to fully reciprocate, in words and action, his affections for you.

So, yes, I think you should do it. I think you should free-fall, and take the chance that this man could make you the happiest you've ever been, regardless of how far apart you are. I wish you the best of luck, and pretty please let us know any further developments! As Zephii said, life is for living!