i feel like giving up..

[ange0897]

my boyfriend and i have been together for two and a half years, most of which has been long distance. we went to the same college and although we were together during the school year, we only saw each other once a month during the summer. we both just graduated from college and he is living in maryland while i am living in connecticut - he is applying to states on the east coast to be a state trooper and i am attending grad school for a year in ct. we talk everyday but have very opposite schedules (he gets out of work when i go in) and it has become a "hi, how was your day, love you, bye" kind of conversation over the past few months. i love him and i have no doubt that we are great for each other but i fear that i cannot handle the distance much longer. this upcoming year is going to be tough because my parents won't let him stay at my house, my car is not the most reliable to travel 6 hours to his house and i can't afford to be spending hundreds of dollars on plane tickets each month. i am open to moving out of ct and willing to move to where he is but the more i think about it, the more i think about how young i am and how i should establish myself first (job, apt., etc). i get frustrated with him because i am the only one willing to compromise...he hates ct. i asked him the other day what he would do if i got a job straight out of my master's program in ct and he said that he wouldn't move here because he doesn't like it. i guess there's my answer... i just don't know what to do anymore - this is so much stress not only on our relationship but on my life.. i feel like we are just waiting around to see what happens when we both know it will inevitably end in a break up. do i end it? do we remain friends and see what happens when both of us are more stable? it sucks to think about not being with him but i feel like i'm wasting my time... any advice? anyone in a similar situation?[/FONT]

[LadyMarchHare]

What about asking him where he WOULD be willing to move that's closer that you'd be willing to move to as well? If you feel like you're the one giving all the time, tell him. There needs to be a balance for things to work. And what exactly about Connecticut does he not like? Is it the city, the people, the landscape? It's a whole state, surely he's not seen all of it and hates it.

If you think you need to settle yourself as far as education and occupation first, then do that. Plenty of people in LDRs do that. I know I'd like to be at least halfway through my college education before I move to be with my SO, if he doesn't move here first. But basically I'd try to see about finding middle ground with your SO, maybe that would ease the stress.

[ange0897]

well, he is applying to some states around me but if i get a job straight out of my master's program that pays well and gets me started and its in CT, i'm going to take it. i've told him before that i feel like i'm the only one willing to compromise on moving for him and he doesn't have much to say other than that he isn't in a position to do that right now without having a steady job. he went there for school and i guess decided he doesn't like it. the area we went to school in isn't exactly the best area in ct and i've tried to tell him there are nicer areas but he just isn't having it. i just feel like i want to know that it will change and so far i don't foresee that happening - i don't want to keep doing this for the next two years but yet i'm not sure i'm ready to close the distance and move somewhere completely new to be with him because then i have a whole new list of worries - what if it doesn't work out? what if i can't find a job? a place to live that's within my budget? making friends, etc. etc. i don't want to be solely dependent on him in a new place because if it doesn't work out, i'm either stuck or back to square one - living with my parents.. idk.. thanks for the advice though but i just don't know that there is a middle ground. maybe this is all just a sign that we need to take time a part and focus on ourselves before we can actually be physically together..

[LadyMarchHare]

Well nothing is set in stone. Months ago my SO was adamant about not moving to this state because of the way I talked about the city I lived in and I'm not keen on going to Florida because it tends to be a hurricane's bottom bitch for lack of a better term. But minds change. You can get jobs but they're never permanent, you may not like them, and there could always be a better opportunity elsewhere that isn't in your city or state. As for going some place completely new just for one person, it's a gamble I think we all have to make eventually. Yes things may not work out or you may not like the location/living arrangements but you never know until you're there.

I don't think parting the relationship is necessary since you already feel this strongly as it is. Removing him to focus entirely on yourself would probably heighten the feelings of missing him and hopelessness and you might wonder if he ends up finding someone else in the mean time. Take it one step at a time, leave the ultimate grand design for when you two know where you each want to go for sure and just how you fit into each other's plans. A relationship means you're thinking for two now even if you want to put your education first.

[Caitlin2009]

first off im jelous you get to see him once a month most of us see our SO's only 1-2 times a year, with that being said if we can do it then so can you. There has to be ways that you can see him, i live in CT as well and i know we have a train system does that take you to Maryland? And honestly i would wait a few months before making any big decision because the future is always changing and so are plans, dont give up on your relationship just yet, just wait and see

[Zephii]

I'm also on the "Don't give up" boat. My bf was always clear with me too - he wouldn't move to be with me. In our situation, it was different countries, not states, but it's more or less the same. So here I am in his country *shrug*. Sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet.

I'm very into long term planning, so I understand not wanting to just wait and see where it goes when you feel that it might simply go no where, and hell, life wont just throw you together, nine times out of ten, you have to make it happen. And as someone else said, when you're a couple, you think and plan like a couple, not as individuals.
But, if he wont compromise on where you live, it's likely he will compromise on something else, it gives you barganing power. So, what's important to you? what would you trade to go to where he is?

[ErinKristine]

I'm from CT and there is a train from here to Maryland. Also, I'm just guessing about the area you went to school based on his goal to become a state trooper, but there are nicer areas here than where you went to school. It is strange that he's so set against moving to Connecticut, I understand not liking the state, but he shouldn't totally eliminate it as an option especially if he only lived here during college. I live on the shoreline and it's beautiful, sure there's not a TON to do, but it's a nice area and we have a state troopers barracks in the next town over from where I live.
It is a little unfair that he just expects you to move where ever he is. In my situation if I want to be where my SO is I have to move because he's in the army and let me tell those posts aren't in the nicest of places, usually out in the middle of no where, but I'm willing to go because I don't want us to away from each other anymore.
I could be wrong, but I feel like I've heard from friends of mine who are police officers that any rank you gain at one position can't be transferred to another so that may be a reason he doesn't want to come to CT because he doesn't want to be stuck here, but he should explore CT a little more it's really not that bad.

[USA2Canada]

2 years is a long time ( but time has no matter it's not the same as I want a future with you- a relationship can go 10 years and still doesnt equal I want a future with you),I would leave only if he is not going to put our relationship in a front seat and I wasnt one of his priorities in life. Its good that he wants to be a trooper but what about your dreams too, how dedicated is he and you to the relationship? Its to bad these things weren't talked about sooner (who's moving and future plans) before the long 2 years (I learned this relationship lesson some years ago the hard way with a horrible break up, to always put your ducks in a row up front). Id say maybe he should come visit CT some more before making a choice, or you go to his state and see if your more willing! But after 2 years HE should be jumping at being with you or at least making compromise to be with you!( by not jumping about it, that speaks volumes also on how badly he wants this with you). I would move but my partner would move too (which is a important part of the equation, if hes not willing to also take that step I would wonder on his commitment here) literally anywhere to be together, we can always move elsewhere later together the point is to be together. I think for you though your guy (and maybe you too) are simply not ready!! He hasn't got a chance to even see you much, and he doesn't feel he should alter his life and plans for a woman he hasn't had a lot of real time with. He could just be going with the flow because its comfy for him right now in present again that doesnt equal I want a future with you.This is very possible!

Also sometimes two people are going down two different routes, people change, and grow up and realize they are not on the same page anymore. That gut feeling you had when you hit that nail was prob speaking volumes to you -that he wouldn't move here because he doesn't like it- doesn't sound like hes willing to sacrafice and make commitments-esp if he wont compromise, plus you are both still ME ME ME and not US US US in life, and that can mean your both just not ready.. something to think on. One thing Ive learned with some guys is that they will do a lot of talk of the talk of the future while your with them to keep you hanging on, but when it boils down to it and your ready for more they don't want to walk the walk (those are the losers you dont want). If you do decide to let this man go and he doesn't try to pack up and move and run to be with you or run to make that compromise, he was worth letting go! Men will do it no matter what when shes the right lady for him!