Drifting apart?

[louisekerry]

Or is this all in my head? I really don't know..

I'll post some of the conversation we had earlier today..

K: are we ok?
M: mmhm <3
M: why wouldn't we be?
K: I dunno, we just dont seem to be talking that much these days...im worried cause we're not together we'll drift apart...
M: we knew this would happen... timezones and all that
M: and we're both trying to do other things
M: we shouldn't expect to talk as much as we have, as long as we at least touch base every day
K: okay
M: is that ok? :*
K: yeah, I guess
M: :/
K: ?
M: what do you expect from me?
K: o.o I didnt say I expected anything
M: you don't seem happy with this though...
K: well, are you?
M: why wouldn't I be?
K: Ok its fine, just forget I said anything
M: o_O
M: talk to me!
K: I dunno what to say...
M: I really, really don't see a problem
K: Thats why I said forget it, its obviously just all in my head
K: Okay?
M: ok :*
K: :*
K: Sorry
M: whats up? <3
K: <3 just got a lot on my mind, I'm trying to figure out what I want, and I don't want us to drift so much that by the time I get over there we've moved on...
K: :/
M: (hug)
M: we're gonna be ok
K: Promise?
M: promise <3

I dunno if I'm just having an off few days and feeling insecure or generally low as I have flu right now, maybe I just needed him to reassure me, we all need that sometimes, right? But I do feel like we're drifting apart already, he left like six weeks ago, after us being together for 8 months..at first I thought once he got home the lack of conversation or general contact between us was because he was settling in back home, catching up on important time with friends and his family..but it hasn't changed, and one thing he's started doing which he knows bugs the hell out of me is ignoring me, or starting a conversation and then disappearing, I've said time and time again, I don't mind if he's busy, I don't expect him to want to talk to me every minute of every day, but at least if he could tell me that then I could just get on with whatever I'm doing and not feel like I'm hassling him, or being the annoying needy one because he's not replying and its pissing me off. To be honest I find it just rude, and I'd react the same way if a friend did it.

But he's right, in a way, in that one of us are trying to do other things..at the moment everything I do seems to be centred on getting over there next year, I've just finished uni and at the moment I'm trying to find a job and save up to go there on a working holiday visa for a year, I've got a place to live and a job there waiting, I just need to get things like passport, visa and plane ticket sorted out. So there are other things I'd like to be doing, like learning to drive, or doing my TEFL course (I'd really like to teach in Thailand for a while, while SO is doing his degree) I have just finished university but I haven't decided on a career yet, thats part of what this year away is for, to figure that all out so I can come back/whatever and get started with it with enough experience behind me. (For instance, one of my options is to come back and apply for a PGCE to become a teacher, the work in Thailand will be great for that.)

As much as getting there to have this experience and be with him are what I want right now, so much..I feel that I just can't settle on or commit to anything in my life for any longer than next March because that's when I'm supposed to be leaving, finance permitting. He's just applied to a four year teaching degree, and committed to that, and he's said if I were to commit to something over here he would support me entirely and he would make sure we never went more than a year without seeing each other, but there have been times when I've mentioned things and I'm pretty sure if I did commit to anything that would delay my trip over there it would break his heart...as much as I have tried to tell him not to assume, and that I'm not promising anything, I'm not saying yes or no right now, he seems pretty convinced its going to be me making the move. I said that and he was like 'well, I'm pretty confident that once you get here you won't want to leave' and I thought well maybe that will be the case, but I can't make a decision that big about somewhere I've never even visited before..you know?


I just really feel stuck in limbo at the moment...and I'm worried I will do until I get out there, but until I get a job I don't really know for definite when that will be...so while he's going off doing these other things and getting ready for university, I'm...not. I know things will be more at ease for me in this respect once I've got my own career to focus on..but I still don't know what that will be. The fact is, I want to do the teaching, I know that. But I can't afford to study a TEFL course and save for getting myself over there. Whereas if I did just focus on the TEFL for now, chances are I could get a job and do the teaching before I go..that would mean us not being together for longer though. The only thing I can think of is to carry on looking for work and saving to go over there, then when I get there, study the TEFL then.


Sorry, I guess I just needed to get all this off my chest, he seems to think I'm telling him he's doing this all wrong when I'm just trying to talk out my feelings, I'm not trying to attack him, I love him...sometimes its just difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you know?

[aomnomnom]

I tend to over think things and be that way every other months. So far he has been very good at contacting me through out the day (sometime he gets busy and i try to understand and then he comes back and We are happy). HOWEVER, I'm coming to see him for 3 months next year. Drifting apart is my biggest concern too. Maybe he thinks/ feels more secured in the relationship because you guys have met in person already? (so, he doesn't think its THAT necessary to maintain the connections? I dont really know, just sharing your concern here =\

off the topic but if you are coming to Thailand, let me know
International LDR is extra hard, eventhough you are ready to be with your SO all the time, you cant just pack up and move. Legal aspect makes things really difficult for us. I wish there's such a thing as a dating visa (where one can move temporary and work and stuff)

[Sharon Q]

Hon, I think you are thinking way too much on this. baisd on the conversation I think things are okay. Its NORMAL for couples to talk less when they are both busy. My SO and I are dealing with that now, we have closed the distance but he is living with a friend and me with my dad neither of us have cars so right now we hardly see one another.

If you keep in touch everyday or at least every other day than thats good. also if it helps try texting or emailing pics, videos, web chats, if you both have a pretty set schedule try to set up one night a week to web came or one night a week thats just for the two of you.

[sewbama]

Not every conversation can be one of those earth shattering 4 hour talks that make you rethink your world. Sometimes there just isn't anything to say. It's hard to keep coming up with things to talk about when you don't have shared experiences. That makes me think.. Shared experiences. The last few really good phone calls I've had with my SO have been about something we've done together. Watching a football game (roll tide), watching a show/movie together, reading an article, etc. Maybe you could try having some things like that, whether you watch them together, or just both watch them when you have a chance and then discuss later?

This is something my SO and I struggle with. (Luckily, we get to see each other regularly, so that helps stave off long-term concerns.) Trying to come up with something to say without just a play-by-play of a boring, busy day is hard. It's hard to get enough out of a phone call to stay excited. But none of that means that your relationship is in trouble. It's just a fact of distance.

[Tooki]

Mate, it's completely normal to have a deadend conversation.

[Softy]

I do too have these kind of 'quiet conversations' with my SO.
Some days are intense, some we don't talk much.
Sometimes I'm busy, sometimes he is.
It's normal : )

But I do understand your feelings and questioning about 'drifting apart'.
Because in a close distance, you call ask you bf/gf 'hey i feel gloomy, please hug me!'.
A thing we cannot have in LDR is physical contact for reassurance.
So it's normal at times to 'feel the distance' and wanting comfort from our SO.
it's not a pleasant feeling.

Just keep strong and don't give up on each other.
Expect some conversations to be great and some to be smaller.

/cheers < 3

[louisekerry]

Thanks for your replies, I do think I was thinking too much into it. We had a long chat a few nights ago and he just told me that for the past month he's been stuck in his room playing video games, and that he just didn't really have much to say because he hadn't really been doing anything. I mean, I guess we're not going to have much to talk about, aside from going to the gym and seeing a couple of friends now and again I'm pretty much the same, stuck at home. (We're both looking for jobs right now, I've just finished university in June and he just went back home in September after 8 months here)

We ironed a lot of things out during that talk too, so I feel a lot better now

I do worry over the silliest things sometimes! :P

[Hollandia]

I just got back from meeting up with SO yesterday. I was thinking the same way you were. I asked him point blank... Do you change your mind about us when we are apart at all? He said no. He just does not always have the energy to have a BIG conversation. When we were friends and not dating yet, we have convos like that all the time. I never even thought about it twice. I already felt like today's convo was a bit boring. I know, he is tired. I am still busy working when he has time at end of day. Yesterday it was all...........I love you babe, I miss you being here and I can't wait till we are together again. Today it was.........I am watching the other half of the movie we started but had to stop and I am already falling asleep.

I decided to push forward with my work and said goodnight for the day. I know he was tired and no reason to put off my work and keep him up when the convo is kinda meh. I would rather have quick "love you babe" than drag it out when one or both of us would prefer to call it a day.

Of course, I was still kinda sad, how could things be so different in one day? The fact is. They did not change. He is secure with us and does not feel the need to do anything but just be himself. When I really think about it, it is kinda sweet. No different than just sitting on the couch and being together at end of day happily and not talking. He worked 10 hours and still made the time to contact me and spend the time. Many men would not do that everyday.

[NikkiDeAnn75]

My SO goes through periods of depression and he doesn't want to push it off on me. At those times he is very distant. The first time it happened I thought he was losing interest in me. I hated every minute of it, but stuck it out. Keep the lines of communication open. LDR is different from CD. We can't see our SOs and have to rely on communication.
I have the feeling of being stuck in limbo too. I teach and have to make year long contracts. We have been talking about me moving to him, but I need something concrete so I can apply for jobs in his state. Hang in there. We all know what you're going through.

[digitalfever]

This is normal. Dead end convo's happen to even the best of us.