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**kimmidyann** · November 4, 2012, 02:00 AM

I definitely know how this feels. I've been with my SO for about 2 years and whenever she gets depressed or we have an issue with her parents my parents FREAK out and say how she isn't right for me because she's too dramatic. They let my little sister go out with a weenie of a guy who initially broke up with her because I was ugly (doesn't make sense and they didn't care about that) with no harsh words. I know what you're going through. I don't know if your parents will ever get used to them. It's so hard to say. Just keep trying to prove them wrong. I know it hurts. <3 I'm sorry.

**thebadlydrawnfox** · November 4, 2012, 06:53 AM

First of all, congratulations to you for recently closing the distance! That must be wonderful, and it is such a shame that your family isn't celebrating with you.

It must be so frustrating that your father doesn't respect your SO but appears to have no problem with your brother's SO treating him so terribly. I must say, I feel a bit sad for your brother that your father isn't upset by how much his SO is using him. I am baffled by your brother saying that 'she is in trouble' if he finds someone better; has it not occurred to him that he could break it off with her and be single, and would still be better off? Your brother's and father's attitudes seem to be reinforcing each other, that it is okay for your brother to carry on in a terrible relationship unless and until he finds someone better.

I don't understand, then, why it is that your family has such a problem with your SO. Are they perhaps quite traditional and believe that it is a man's duty to provide for his girlfriend? If they are, this might explain their behaviour, even if it doesn't really help you to get round it.

I know how difficulty it is to find work right now, so I just want to say - though I know it's easier said than done - try not to take it personally if you are finding it difficult to find employment. There are so many people applying for each job now that it is almost arbitrary who gets called in for interviews. People who are not on the job market don't understand what it is like to look at the moment, and might judge people more harshly, which might also be part of your family's problem with your SO. They simply don't understand that no one is at fault for your SO being unemployed. Especially if he has just relocated to be closer to you!

I trust your judgement of your SO, but as with all things it is always better to have a second opinion. How do your friends feel about your relationship? Are they supportive? I really hope they are, because you deserve it, but if people who care about you all seem to have a problem with your SO, it might be worth speaking with someone you trust and asking if there is something in particular that concerns them, and then trying to consider objectively whether they might have a point.

As I said, I trust your judgement. It's just always worth seeing things from an outside perspective. If any of your friends are worried about your SO, it could easily be that you find out that something is being commonly misconstrued about the two of you and you can work on correcting that mistake (for example, if people think your SO is being lazy in his job search, you can point out ways that this is false).

I'm sorry for you that your family is not more supportive

I hope you get your happy ending soon.

**SquishyLove** · November 4, 2012, 10:50 AM

Family, just, argh! I hate how we're expected to put up with bullying and disrespect from people we're related to on the sheer basis that we share blood. My mom and stepdad are nice to me and supportive, but I've had a lot of issues with my dad being an a-hole and a rude jerk about a lot of things. Same with a lot of my extended family. Estrangement was easier than fighting for me. I decided not to put up with the toxic people in my extended family and only make time and visits with those I love and who love me and show me respect (which means a great chunk of my family is no longer in my life). I'm not saying you should necessarily estrange yourself in the future (you have to do what's right for you), but I'm saying that just because it's family doesn't mean you are required to take the abuse. Eventually you won't have to live at home anymore, and you can work on setting up some boundaries to maintain your sanity.

I think it's rich that they have a problem with your SO while your brother's girlfriend has no reservation about living on government resources. I actually do think it's wrong when people try to make a lifelong career from government benefits (unless it's social security at retirement, which people have earned from their working years). I feel like there should be a limit on these benefits, unless the person has a true disability, a lifelong physical or mental disability which TRULY makes them unable to work.

Many people with mental illness work. They may have to take extra care about medication and therapy, but it's possible to be a functional human being with something like bipolar, unless it's an especially severe case. I also think being overweight shouldn't be counted as a disability. Being excessively overweight or obese usually comes from habits which can be changed, unless again, it's a really severe hormonal disorder (which is RARE). I'm overweight myself (though not severely, but I've always been a bit bigger my entire adult life) and I can still work. It sounds like someone has found their meal ticket, and it's enormously selfish of her to still demand financial support from your brother when she already receives enough government Bennies to live pretty well. Taking the bus never hurt anyone, she's just being spoiled. You're not wrong for resenting this at all. It's your family who are being unreasonable. I know you have to make nice for now since you live at home, but I'd just keep repeating in your head, "I am sane," over and over to yourself to remind yourself that these people are not healthy, and one day you'll have some distance from them and can have a more happy life.

Congrats on closing the distance, by the way!

Also, I know how tough the job market is right now. My husband is an immigrant and had to bust his butt for a couple of months, applying for several dozen jobs before something finally came along. Just hang in there, and a gig will come along in time for both of you!

**MeganK** · November 4, 2012, 11:42 AM

I undestand how you feel.
My dad is the exact same way my SO is in england
and it took him almost 2 years to finally meet him ... and he ended up liking him!
but hes still calling him names behind his back and im like WTF! I go off on him everytime he
says one thing bad about him, Im leaving next sunday to visit him for 2 weeks and of course my dad has been making his comments he keeps saying im a making a mistake ... anyway, I was just letting u know i totally know how that feels
and for ur brother and his gf thats just sad and pathetic, being fat isnt a disability its her own fault she can hardly move.
she doesnt deserve money for that and the 600$ in foodstamps isnt helping her case.

**efish1042** · November 4, 2012, 02:21 PM

I know where you're coming from. My SO and I will have our 4 year in April. My dad has hated him since about 6 mo after we started dating.
I asked him the other day if he was ever going to get over it and he straight out said no. I asked if he was going to get over it enough to live with him in my life and he said he would try. I asked if he would get over it enough to walk me down the aisle if we stay together that long and he said "...If you want me to. I thought you might rather your grandfather do it if he's still kicking."
He's right. I'd much rather my grandfather walk me down the aisle than a begrudging father figure. It's just life. We have to deal with it. He's mad at my SO because he had unintentionally hurt me, but he doesn't realize/care the he is hurting me even more.

**Sharon Q** · November 4, 2012, 08:31 PM

The thing is my dad isnt fond of my brother's GF either.

My dad is very o;d fashioned and when Robert and I first started dating at 15 him and 16 me, My dad said after only a few months that he needed to get a job and support me.
My dad's big thing is that My SO doesnt have a job. But he just got back and he has just started looking, we are both desperate for work that we are going to a temp agency
Which my dad isnt okay with really.

Its like he wants him to find a job, but do it the old fashioned way and not use resources to do so. I finally explained to my dad that we are both going to a temp agency. Once I involved myself in the same thing he still wasnt okay with it but couldnt comment much on it, Unless he wants me to live in his basement forever Im going to a temp place.

My dad just worries way too much and ever since my mom passed he constantly " jokes " about me moving out, hell he even gets on me about leaving shampoo and stuff in the bathroom. saying I'm taking over his area. I think he just got used to being in the house alone since I was at school and since mom passed.

I know the part about him wanting me out so quickly is all in good fun for him but honestly it hurts me. and I cant talk to him about it.

Have you ever seen that 70's show My dad is like Red Foreman, he isnt very emotionally understanding.

I just want him to get used to the idea that im staying with my SO. His comments about my SO really get to me, and its to the point where Robert isnt even comfortable coming over to my house.

I get that my dad is old fashioned and was raised inn a different generation and I respect that. but Its not like my SO isnt trying to find a job or help look for places.

I wish he would just relax.

and my brother is even getting to me saying " well not to be mean but all I've seen Robert do is look for a few jobs "
Um... his GF has three kids who she doesnt even pay attention to, they cry ALL the time and get whatever they want just so they will shut up. She wont take the city bus, expects my brother to take her places all the time and she isnt even looking for a job. I get that shes obese and probably cant move around that well job wise but Im sure she can use a computer as she is on facebook constantly. She could get a job doing something with a computer, learning computer skills doesnt take that long, but she isnt even looking for a job.

**Sharon Q** · November 4, 2012, 08:54 PM

Family, just, argh! I hate how we're expected to put up with bullying and disrespect from people we're related to on the sheer basis that we share blood. My mom and stepdad are nice to me and supportive, but I've had a lot of issues with my dad being an a-hole and a rude jerk about a lot of things. Same with a lot of my extended family. Estrangement was easier than fighting for me. I decided not to put up with the toxic people in my extended family and only make time and visits with those I love and who love me and show me respect (which means a great chunk of my family is no longer in my life). I'm not saying you should necessarily estrange yourself in the future (you have to do what's right for you), but I'm saying that just because it's family doesn't mean you are required to take the abuse. Eventually you won't have to live at home anymore, and you can work on setting up some boundaries to maintain your sanity.

I think it's rich that they have a problem with your SO while your brother's girlfriend has no reservation about living on government resources. I actually do think it's wrong when people try to make a lifelong career from government benefits (unless it's social security at retirement, which people have earned from their working years). I feel like there should be a limit on these benefits, unless the person has a true disability, a lifelong physical or mental disability which TRULY makes them unable to work.

Many people with mental illness work. They may have to take extra care about medication and therapy, but it's possible to be a functional human being with something like bipolar, unless it's an especially severe case. I also think being overweight shouldn't be counted as a disability. Being excessively overweight or obese usually comes from habits which can be changed, unless again, it's a really severe hormonal disorder (which is RARE). I'm overweight myself (though not severely, but I've always been a bit bigger my entire adult life) and I can still work. It sounds like someone has found their meal ticket, and it's enormously selfish of her to still demand financial support from your brother when she already receives enough government Bennies to live pretty well. Taking the bus never hurt anyone, she's just being spoiled. You're not wrong for resenting this at all. It's your family who are being unreasonable. I know you have to make nice for now since you live at home, but I'd just keep repeating in your head, "I am sane," over and over to yourself to remind yourself that these people are not healthy, and one day you'll have some distance from them and can have a more happy life.

Congrats on closing the distance, by the way! Also, I know how tough the job market is right now. My husband is an immigrant and had to bust his butt for a couple of months, applying for several dozen jobs before something finally came along. Just hang in there, and a gig will come along in time for both of you!

See my brother is also on disability so its not like he gets much more than her. My brother has trouble functioning with people, has really bad insomnia which no medications can help with and very bad depression, which again medication wont work for. He can get so depressed he wont leave the house for days.
which my dad also thinks my brother should get a job, but if he cant function properly mentally that makes it harder.

I dont have an issue with my brother being on it tho. Because he takes care of himself and other than the government assistance he isnt relying on other people to help. He never asks for money He only gets the SSDI not food stamps to he pays for his own food, own rent things like that, I feel his reasons for being on SSI are more legitimate than his GF's. and I find it offensive that she rely's on him for everything,

They try to say my SO relys on me for everything, yes I pay for a lot of stuff for him, but he also pays for what he can and he is TRYING to find a job, thats a lot more than what my brothers GF is doing. And my SO helps me a lot. I had given him some of my bus passes to go look for a job and so he could go around town to do so. I had forgotten to grab my bus passes for work so he came to get me using his bus passes. He gave me one of the ones I had given him so that I could get all the way home. instead of walking home.

I know it may not seem like that counts for much seeing as they were passes I gave to him but I bet you anything if my brother was in the same situation his GF would have made some excuse not to.

Which btw I am seriously considering giving my brother's GF bus passes for the coming holidays. She needs independence lol. My SO may not be perfect but he trys and does his best. and I apprichiate that more than anything.

I also have a HUGE dislike of my brother's GF because after our mom passed she wanted to help my bother, that I can respect but she was also very selfish in the coming weeks when they would fight she would be all " me me me " crap, like really lady -_-'

I love my brother but honestly I feel he would be better on his own. But I also know thats how he and dad feel about me and my SO. all because Im the main provider finacially ... seriously. I can take care of myself and I help others when needed. if it wasnt my SO it would be someone else and honestly if I wasnt with anyone I would probably spoil my sisters kids to death with toys all the time but seeing as I am with someone I am more focoused on getting my own place and moving out ( which I doubt I would be nearly as much if I was single )

Im just not sure how much longer this will last. I want them to get used to my SO and accept that Im not leaving him.

**SquishyLove** · November 5, 2012, 09:16 AM

In this case, I will simply say that you might have to accept the fact that your dad doesn't like your SO, as much as that sucks. Of course we all want our parents' approval of all our life's decisions, but sometimes we don't get it. If being with your SO makes you happy, you can't worry too much about whether your dad approves or not. What you can do, however, is when you and your SO have your own place, set some boundaries and rules with your dad. Tell him that you understand he has his reasons for not liking your SO, but that you are not planning to leave him, and you have these requests to make of your dad: he is not required to like your SO, but he is no longer allowed to criticize him to your face when you're interacting with him (your dad). Furthermore, he is not allowed to be rude to your SO. He doesn't have to like him, but he has to be civil and polite with him when he's around. If he can't accept it, then you visit less. Plain and simple. If he accepts the rules but acts rude in the future about the topic of your SO or to your SO himself, simply walk away and go home. Say, "OK, Dad, gotta go. Talk to you later," and don't take any bait for conflict or arguing that he might throw out there at you. Simply say you're going, you'll see/talk to him later, and go home. Sometimes you have to teach people how to treat you, and if they go back to the behavior you asked them not to repeat, you have to disengage and leave the person. That's my advice for how to deal with it in the future. Basically, make it crystal clear to your dad that any bad talk about your SO is not allowed in your presence. He isn't required to like or accept it, but he is required to show you respect about it. If he can't handle that, it is your dad's problem, and not yours. Best of luck!

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Four years and my Dad still acts this way...

Four years and my Dad still acts this way...

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