BF is moving for Medical School!!! ):

[Gail23]

Hi everyone this is my first post. Sorry it is so long, I really need advice! ):

I've been with my bf 1 year. He is my first bf, not because I haven't dated, but rather I am very careful about who I let into my life seriously. I love him so much and have been so happy with him.

In one year he will be leaving for medical school. Given his background, he will very likely get into the top 5 schools in the country, some of which are very close to where I live. The #1 school however (his first choice), is on the other side of the country. I want him to be happy and have been careful not to make him feel guilty about moving away from me. He doesn't want to do years of long distance, so this leaves two options for our relationship to work:

1. He compromises by going to a medical school in my area
2. I compromise by moving across the country to live by the #1 medical school

My bf can be overly plan-oriented and I sense that he has always planned to have a gf that would love him so much that she would follow him to wherever his career takes him. However, this is contrary to my personality. I have an aversion to being overly dependent on someone else for my own happiness and success. I work very hard and have invested some of my self-worth in my ability to have my own career and make my own money. It's not that I don't love him...It's just scary and I feel vulnerable. He will have the security of school, nearby family and a new network of friends....in turn I fear I will be completely dependent on him for my happiness. I won't know if he is willing to make this same level of compromise for me in the future. We are serious but it's not like we are engaged/married.

I know I should wait until we know his acceptances before worrying...but the problem is that even now I am choosing to have a job near him when most of the industries I want to enter are located 2-6 hours away from here. I would rather be near him before he leaves for medical school than have the ideal job. But sometimes I feel like I am being really foolish right now for not investing in myself when he may pick up and leave in a year....but maybe he won't? I don't know his decision yet...

As much as I've been trying not to cry over "what ifs," I've been hurting over all this. I don't tell him because I don't want to pressure him. I really, really want him to make a decision for himself and I encourage him to do what will make him happiest. But I have to admit, my feelings will be hurt if he decides to move across the country without even considering long distance or attendance at a school nearby with a slightly lower ranking.

I don't know what to do in order to get a handle on the right decision (for myself), or at least to feel better and stop worrying in the meantime ): . I know we will have a serious conversation when we find out his acceptances and I want to be prepared for it.

Thank you!!

[triste]

Welcome to you!

I think you have a tough road ahead, but not something to stress too much about right now. Enjoy your year together, don't dwell on this too much. I know it is easier to say than do.

My SO is a Dr., when we met we were in same city and ended up living together for two great years. Through this time I knew he would be applying for the match for surgery, and this would mean he could end up anywhere in the country. We worked really hard to enjoy our time together, and in the end, he did not get the match he so desperately wanted, but only got a year residency, an internship in FL. We decided it would be too much for me to uproot for one year, when next year he has no idea where he will be (the match again this winter).

The medical field is very difficult, and very stressful. I am not sure what specialty your BF is going into, but medical school is just the beginning. If you are committed, you have to understand that his school will come first, that is what it is. I think it would be hard for him to choose the school near you, just for you, as this may be a detriment to his career long term. Their CV is everything, and where they go to school is so important, that choosing a school near you, while sweet, is probably a difficult option to choose, if he has an opportunity elsewhere.

Like I said before, this is a very hard road, for both of you. I think you are doing the right thing now, by thinking about the future, and the what if's...but don't spend too much time on it...really, enjoy this time now, what will be, will be and you will deal with it when it comes.

Good luck!

[Gail23]

Thank you so much! It's really nice to have someone that understands some of what I'm feeing. I don't have anyone to talk to at the moment, and it's hard keeping my emotions pent up. This is all so difficult because I feel so happy and sad at the same time, it's like being between a rock and a hard place. I am connected to his happiness as well as my own. You are right that I need to focus on being happy in the moment with him and I have been working on treasuring our time together. In a couple months when he knows where he is going to school, we will discuss our relationship and where it is going. Another thing that you got me to think about, is that medical school will just be the beginning...I have to decide if this is something I want too. Hopefully things will be easier when we talk and I understand more of how he feels about our relationship, and hopefully me investing this year in him instead of my career will be worth it. Thanks for the good wishes

[Belle]

Hey, welcome =).
First of, Im really glad that you haven't guilted him here. Making a decision on where to go to med school is one of the most important moments of an aspiring doctor. As triste mentioned our CV is everything and we want to be able to get into the best school, acquire the best training and preparation and put ourselves in an ideal position for matching. Its a long and tough road and medicine has to be his first choice, after all, its also a huge investment! I understand that this is scary for you and that you don't want to lose him OR yourself by leaving your career goals behind. I wouldn't think it fair either. Maybe if he does go far you can talk a little more about considering an LDR. Im not gonna lie and tell you its easy... I think if you've talked to him about his journey to get into med school you know its almost life consuming... but it is possible to cultivate a nice relationship. My SO was very supportive throughout the whole ordeal and although we were already ldr, my second choice would have been only two hours away from him as opposed to the furthest city from him while still in the US haha. I really appreciated how enthusiastic and proud he was and he himself encouraged me to go with my first choice if I got accepted. But again, being in an LDR was not a question if I did. So, basically I commend you for being supportive when I know that you have a lot riding on this too. I hope that he gets accepted to the best schools and starts off his career with a bang, and I really hope he reconsiders having an LDR.
And in regards to your second post, the time we invest in someone is time well spent at the moment we invest it. Don't expect him to stick around to make it "worth it" for you. At this stage in your career, you need to focus on yourself and building a livelihood imo.
Good luck and you can PM me if anything =).

[Jezah]

First of all!

I agree with the others that have said him choosing to go to a school close to you over a better school far away is probably not the best idea. In the medical field where you went to school means a lot, and if for whatever reason he chooses a school near you and it later on affects his career then that is a recipe for resentment which is never good.

That said, I completely understand your stance on not wanting to be dependent on a man for your happiness. It is really something you need to look into yourself for the answer on when it comes to moving for him. You are young, and moving to a different part of the country can be an adventure and something you will look back on fondly. My mother followed my father around the country when he was in the Air Force and looks back on it as some of the best times in her life. New places can be an adventure, but like I said, you have to figure out if that is something you would enjoy since only you know yourself. Medical school is brutal, and personally I think trying to manage the stress of an LDR on top of it would be overwhelming for anyone.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

[Gail23]

Thank you! Especially for the last note about it being "worth it." This reminded me that I should keep trying to focus on my personal growth as well although I am choosing to stay near him. I think I would regret it more if I moved away from him now without trying, so even if we go our separate ways in the end, I think I will be alright with my choice. And if we do choose LDR, then we will have had this entire year together. Thanks so much! It has taken weeks for me to start feeling more relaxed about this.