Well what do i do?

[Dramos99]

So tonight while i was at class, my SO called me, told me she still is talking/crushing on this guy.

"This guy" lives in her state i dont know anything about him his name is ryan. she says he is just like me.

before me and my so got serious with this LDR he was talking to her when i was. then i stopped i really dont know, i just found out this information tonight also.

So about 2 months ago she came to me with this problem just told me she doesnt keep anything from me, she told me about him and how she likes to talk to him, how they flirt a lil and so on nothing major. she told me this about 3 weeks before she was coming here to visit for about 11 days. we figured this crush would die out when she came to see me, i really hoped for this. so she came for 11 days and it was great we talkd about him and so on, told me "i wouldnt ever ruin this for some crush" and "im going to college in lousiana why would i get into a brand new LDR" things that i like to hear of course, made me feel good.

So the day she got back home from our visit she had to go to camp the next night, this is an all summer thing she works at. its been rough on me 11 days of her next to me then now not even talking to for more than 15 mins a day no goodnights or goodmornings just catching up threwout the day, ive been threw this camp phase before, but it has been rough on me.

So what do i do? tonight she called me told me she is still crushing on this guy etc etc, she told me "i promise i will never leave you"

I am just so upset and everything i cant think i cant even think of what to say, we are gonna talk in the morning about it

i just dont know.

[LadyMarchHare]

So she likes this guy why exactly? Because he's "just like you"? If she wants that I say skip the imitation go for the original, that being you. I also think it's rude for her to be bringing up this guy a lot even if she swears on her life she isn't going to do anything with him. I'm bothered she admitted to flirting with the guy. Call me a prude but I believe flirting is basically off-limits for someone in a relationship when it comes to the opposite sex or if you like the same sex, for them. Unless you know the friend they're doing what I call "casual" flirting with and know for a fact nothing will ever go down, then I think it's only fair she stops. You don't know the guy and as far as you know, he's a threat.

It's insulting to me that she would tell you she still likes him. I know she doesn't want to hide anything from you, but what are you gaining from that knowledge beyond pain and the fear she might just leave you anyway or cheat for the mere fact he's there and you aren't? Have you told her how this whole situation sits with you? I'd ask her if you told her you were crushing on a girl there how she would feel about it even if you swore up and down you'd never leave her. She needs to see this from both ends of the spectrum, not just hers.

[NaNi]

Now that would just hurt me. A lot. Especially since she always seems to refer to this guy as her "crush". Ouch. I don't think that I would handle such a situation very well. I would always think that she might start something with that "crush". So yeah, if she really loves you, the "original", then she should really stop flirting around with this guy. It's not nice.

[Dramos99]

I dont know why she likes him, as far as i know she likes anyone because im not there and they are. As far as the flirting she told me it isnt anything super flirty. i have told her how i feel, tomorrow i am gonna really explain it to her, i have also gone the path of well you wouldnt like it if i did that. she keeps telling me she cant control her feelings.

[NaNi]

Maybe she's just not made up for a LDR then if she likes anyone just because they are there and you are not...

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with NaNi, if she prefers a physical presence then she needs to find someone who isn't LDR and you don't deserve wondering if she's going to up and flit about with any guy that can hold her hand right then and there. A big part of any relationship is trust, especially for LDRs, and she's not really giving much reason to trust her. I'd lay down some ground rules about all that and try to figure out just if you can handle being in a relationship with her and if she's willing to focus her heart and eyes on you and not anything with a nice smile.

[Dramos99]

ya, well they are only texting they have yet to hang out or even met? i dont know. but as far as i know she hasnt hung out with him or talkd to him on the phone.

[Dramos99]

sorry i dont explain my self well enough at the moment. or the story.

[NaNi]

You should still tell her to stop that, especially if she's crushing on him. She's in a relationship with you, not him. If she really loves you she doesn't need to look somewhere else. If they were just friends... that would be alright. But this...

[LadyMarchHare]

I again agree with NaNi, regardless of THEIR circumstances, flirting is flirting, a crush is a crush. I never understood how people can say they love someone, yet want someone else too. That isn't love. Whatever her feelings are, she needs to get over him if she wants the relationship with you to work.

[agentholli]

WOW!!!! I am so sorry! This would totally hurt me and I wouldn't like it one bit. I know its great to be honest with eachother..but is she just trying to make you jealous or something? maybe she wants a big reaction out of you...wow! Grrrrr women sometimes!

[Dramos99]

Ya. well i hope we will talk in the morning to figure this out better.

[Butterfly-x]

Poor you I agree with what everyone here as said. She obv. has some commitment issues and is not yet ready to settle. You cannot possibly love someone and yet have a 'crush'. The most disturbing thing is that shes not ashamed to inform you, shes not upset that shes hurting your feelings or putting your relationship in jeopardy.. (judging from what you've told us). Talk is cheap. If you loves you and wants the relationship as much as you do, then she's just gotta drop the guy. She cant keep telling you that she has a crush but she'll never leave you. How does she expect you to feel at ease with that? If she was in your shoes, would she enjoy it? Ask her that.
If she* really cant see your point of view and decide that for the good of the relationship, she needs to focus on you and you alone, then you might need to cut your loses and move on
I wish you the best!
x

[lunamea]

This is really awkward and reminds me a little of what my husband is pulling lately. In his/our case, he's clubbing and talking/flirting with women and expects me to accept that as it's only "talking." However, he didn't voluntarily give that information, I saw pictures and kinda caught him. In your case, it would really have me worried that she's telling you she has a crush... in my opinion, honesty only goes so far in a relationship (before it becomes intentionally hurting someone) and if she is committed to you, she need not mention this other guy all the time... especially if she likes him. IMO that's not something you tell your SO, unless for a specific reason. The two reasons I can think of are a) making you jealous and b) getting you to leave her.
I'm not one for saying 'give her an ultimatum", because that usually backfires, but I'd still make clear to her that she's not helping you build trust and that you're going to draw the line somewhere. I'm pretty sure this would be unacceptable to the majority of people (including me, even though I am taking a lot of sh.. from my hb lately, too).

[USA2Canada]

Shes just not dedicated, I think she wants out honey, and she is maybe looking for that reason. I'd make a run from her if she is not going to straighten up.