He used "when" instead of "if" and I kinda freaked out...

[Verojoon]

Last night while we were Skyping, he said: "When we're together, do you think we will ever miss Skyping with each other?" It took me a while to answer him... because I kinda freaked out... and I'm not sure if I freaked out in a good or bad way... Finally, I turned it into a joke and said instead of counting down to the days we are together, we will count down to the days when we are apart... I didn't know if I should acknowledge the huge thing it was for me to hear "when" instead of "if"... and of course, I keep on telling myself it was just a mistake on his part... improper use of English or what not... he's not actually feeling like us closing the distance is just a matter of time, is he?

Don't get me wrong, I want to be with him forever... but it's so complicated... And when we talk about it abstractly, the idea of him leaving his elderly mother (who doesn't speak English) behind and him coming to me doesn't seem so insurmountable... We think she could live closer to her sisters, we could help order groceries online, help her with her banking by phone, she could spend some months with us here in the summer, we could hire a companion to take her shopping... but these ideas are more fantasy than reality... We don't have much money... and though I have some opportunities with my career that many people would only dream of, it doesn't mean that things will work out...

And when he said "when" instead of "if" some parts of me were so happy that he acknowledged our future in a way... and the other part of me just doesn't want to be happy about it or positive at all.. because all of a sudden the obstacles are even more real...

So, does anyone else over-analyze the meaning of one word to this point?

[stephanieaz]

Yes! I am guilty of over-analyzing ways that my fiance has said things, even down to one word.

It's understandable that you are preparing yourself for the worst. I do that too. I haven't really wanted to get too excited about much because it all seems so overwhelming. I think the best thing that you can do is talk to him. Ask him when he thinks you guys will be able to close the distance. Talk about some of the obstacles or make a list together even. Start small and don't try to tackle all of the obstacles at once. Just take them one at a time. It IS possible.

[snow_girl]

He didn't say anything about being together forever, but usually the goal of a long distance relationship is to close the distance and I think thats all he was talking about is 'when' you are together. I think its silly to overanalyze a word, what good is going to come of it? Waaa huuuh what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!

[Lovebee]

Totally normal. It can often take you by surprise, too.

My SO and I were out in town one day and I mentioned something about how much I liked to buy furniture and he said "Just hold off on buying furniture until I get you moved out here." I laughed it off, but it was a bit of a shock to hear him talk about it so confidently!

Now that I've had plenty of time to calm down, I find it really reassuring that he's sure about our future. Of course there will be obstacles, but if we're both determined about overcoming them, we'll be ok - and so will you!

[Hollandia]

I do it all the time too. I hate the word "hugz" instead of "hug" or "luv" instead of "love". One word can mean a lot. If my SO only used the teenie boopie versions of these words it would be a huge red flag for me. He usually says them when he is tired. I am really not sure why. Trying to be cute perhaps?

OTOH, I think that to some extent they do it unconsciously and so it could mean something or perhaps they just made a mistake. I would not assume he made a mistake by saying "when", maybe he is just trying to be positive. If there is a one word meaning there, it sounds like a good one.

[Black_Halloween]

Awww, I think its cute that he said that It means he's ready to be fully committed to you and isn't that the goal here? lol

[Dezface]

I think it's great. I would think the goal would be to close the distance right? He's not saying its going to be tomorrow, just that he's confident it will happen, and that should be amazing to hear

[Verojoon]

Oh I know it's a really good thing... it's just with our past... I don't want to get too optimistic... It's not like he's ever acted anything short of committed... his actions have been good... but his words... well, to be honest I didn't think I would hear "when" until maybe the day before we would close the distance... or something like that... And I really didn't know how to react... He deals very well with positive reinforcement... when he does something that surprises me and I praise him for it, it usually turns out great... but on the other hand, maybe this is not something to make a big deal out of... because even after we talked about how we do want to be together, if I talked about it concretely, he would get quiet or withdrawn and he would remind me how he didn't know what to do about our obstacles... so I guess all those things went through my head and this is why I freaked out...

I don't know if turning it into a joke was the best way to react... but it was the less "intense" response... and we've been intense a lot lately... so no pressure was probably not an entirely wrong way to go...

[sewbama]

Talking about current obstacles is one thing, but if you guys are the real deal, then when is the proper word. Even if when is in many years. It's still when. So I wouldn't worry too much about current obstacles (though they do suck...). Just remember, things can change at any moment. You never know what will happen. So knowing that he's ready to close the distance, whenever the time is right, is great.

[Tanja]

I'd be thrilled if I were you. It means despite the obstacles he's sure that you'll be together. If you're unhappy about it it seems to me that you'd rather things be the way they are and trying to overcome those obstacles is something you're not ready to do cause it's easier to stay in a LDR?

[Verojoon]

I'd be thrilled if I were you. It means despite the obstacles he's sure that you'll be together. If you're unhappy about it it seems to me that you'd rather things be the way they are and trying to overcome those obstacles is something you're not ready to do cause it's easier to stay in a LDR?

I am so happy... It's silly, it freaked me out because now if he uses "if" instead of "when" again, it's going to hurt 10 times more... I just wished I didn't feel the need to over-analyze every little word he says and just be happy that from day 1 is action has spoken clearly that he was in this 100% and now his words are actually catching up with his actions!!

[LittleBox]

It's silly, it freaked me out because now if he uses "if" instead of "when" again, it's going to hurt 10 times more...

Ditto that! I much prefer to hear "when" rather than "if". Everything in my life is based on subjective contingencies and when we talked about his visit he would always say "if" which made it seem like yet another iffy probability. We talked about it one night and agreed on the fact that it would be "when" I realise that nothing is ever 100% definite but it just gives that extra sense of security when you have a stronger word to hang onto. And goodness do I ever hang onto words.