Missing the big moments

[Gen]

Hi Everyone,
I'm new here. My boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. The relationship was close-distance (including us living together for a couple of months) until he moved for work recently. As a PhD student, I have another year of coursework left before I can do my dissertation. I've decided that after the coursework is completed, I'll move to be with him and finish my dissertation at a distance (not uncommon).

Does anyone have any insights into missing the big moments? He just bought his first house today. I've been involved in the house-hunting process as much as possible (we saw some houses together on my last visit to see him, and he's sent me the online listings of others he was interested in). But ultimately, I wasn't there. I haven't seen the house. I wasn't there when he put in the offer. I wasn't there when he got the call from his agent. I'm not there to celebrate with him now. Luckily, I'll be able to see him in just over a week and will certainly celebrate with him then - not to mention, he's arranged it so that I can see the house. But it just hurts so much to be apart for this. I should be there. I'm his girlfriend, his partner. As illogical as it sounds, I feel as though I've failed him.

I've mentioned to him that I wish I was there, but I haven't expressed my disappointment as explicitly as I have here. I figured it was best to vent these feelings on here, because I don't want to put this negativity on him at such a great moment in his life. I am so proud of him and I want that to be the message I'm conveying to him.

Anyway, I would appreciate any thoughts you all might have on the matter - especially if you have gone through something similar. Thanks!

[NaNi]

I feel the same way. No matter if it's my SO finishing uni, a birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve... my SO is the one I want to spend those important days with, but I can't. I can celebrate with friends and family, but not with her. And it hurts.

[agentholli]

I know how you feel too.. the big moments hurt the worse. It also hurts when you are the one that is going through something and he isn't there with you. I don't have any suggestions on this. You just have to bleed it out. And think of the time you will have together and all the moments in life that you will get to share with each other.

[Caitlin2009]

Yeaaah i know how you feel, July 4th i was setting off fireworks and i just wanted her to be by my side, last Christmas was pure hell for the both of us because all we wanted was to spend Christmas with one another. It does suck when all those holidays come around and you cant be together. I hope that changes a bit this year

[LadyMarchHare]

It's the curse of being LD. I missed my SO's birthday, the day he was promoted to management, and several other 'big' moments just like he's missed times where I could've used his hand to hold. However, it doesn't mean you aren't really 'there' for them. Yeah you weren't in the room right when it happened but when they relay the news of it to you, you can celebrate with them and I think in the end it matters just as much because they know they can log on/make a call/send a text and get that little happy dance moment with someone who matters to them.

[Puramu]

Oh yes, when big events come up I go into a daze, thinking how it would be if i were with my SO. His graduation was last month, I kept zoning out of reality wishing I could just be there with him. But yeah, as long as they know you are supporting them and wishing them the best then they know you are there for them when you aren't physically there. Hmm, seems like I'm repeating, but there's my two cents ^_^;

[Alisz]

All I can really say is that I know what you mean. Just recently we talked about how long we've been together. He said that we'd been through a lot of holidays. It got me to thinking that we've been through all of them and we didn't celebrate any of them together... It's hard, but all we can do is celebrate apart with each other online. Altho, out of all the holidays I feel the worst about not being with him for his birthday. I know he doesn't think it's a big deal, but as you put it, in a strange way I feel like I failed him as his girlfriend by not being there. I sent him a gift and that was all I really could do. I too don't express these things to him in as much detail as I do here. I know he'd just feel down about it and what's the point when there's nothing he can really do about it, right?

[Gen]

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies. You've reminded me that "being there" doesn't necessarily mean being there physically. But more importantly, you've all shown me that I'm not the only one going through this.

To all of you who are also going through a tough time with their LDR, I have to say, my tears-of-joy, go-to happy thought is this: Love is a wonderful gift. Some go their whole lives not knowing the joy of romantic love. But I am so lucky to have found the man with whom I want to share the rest of my life, who makes me so happy and who is truly, above all else, my partner. Seriously, how many people can say this? Those of us who have love are truly blessed, no matter the struggles that accompany it.

All the best to you long distance lovers out there. Please know that I am truly grateful to know I am in good company facing the challenges of a LDR.