Is visiting every 4 weeks good?

[chibij14]

Background info...

My bf (28) and I (26) met randomly while he was playing football in my town. We (my 2-year-old son, bf, and I) have been living together and dating for as long as we've known each other (6 months), but now he needs to go back home and train for the upcoming NFL season. He is hoping to hit a few camps to at least make a practice squad. This will be his last year attempting it since he'll be 28 soon, so he has a lot of training and focus to put in and make it count. I live in Illinois and he's from Florida. I'm going home to meet his parents on 11/29-12-2, then coming back to my home, and then visiting again from 12/29-1/1/2013.

Additional info:
*He was afraid to commit to me, at first, because he had a terrible experience with a 6-year LDR that ended bc his gf cheated on him (This was 3 years ago and ever since he hasn't seriously dated, just has "casual" relationships). That was hard on him because he thought she was his soul mate and they were going to get married. They went all through college together but when she moved back to Germany, he was left in the US, and they only saw each other MAYBE every few months. He says he plays it safe normally, now, so he is taking a huge leap of faith by giving US this chance. ***A few great things he's said about me is that he wishes he'd met me when he met his first LDR girlfriend, that he vibes with me more than any other woman he's ever met, I'm "gorgeous and more than he could ever ask for. (I) fulfill all (his) needs", and that I'm a great mom and he knows I'd be a wonderful wife.*** Any additional advice on how to keep the magic alive, him feeling secure and happy is great appreciated! I already plan on baking/sending cookies regularly, for starters. Plus, to help the jealousy/fear of cheating, he is dealing with a single mom who never goes out unless it's to a movie or mall with a girlfriend. Hoping my wholesome lifestyle is seen as VERY non-threatening, verus his ex who was more "out there", in terms of doing her own things/life.

My questions:

1. Is visiting once a month pretty fair, considering ticket prices or even driving time (14 hours, each way)? *In conjuction with regular Skype/phone contact*

2. My bf has never experienced this type of LDR, where he was able to see his partner once a month. Does anyone have hope that this "frequency factor" along with the fact that we're older/more mature and experienced will also dramatically improve our relationship, compared to his failed one?

3. Best idea to save money on airfare?

[Verojoon]

Can I be honest about something? Your over-thinking this.. I know because I'm just like that!

He's willing to give it a try. This is great! He must be mature enough to realize that you are not the same person as his ex. You're a single mom, as a single mom myself, I understand how easy it is for us not to have a "life" but I just wanted to stress that you should live your lifestyle the way you want to live it, and not because you think he will get jealous otherwise. This is something he needs to learn to deal with... and yes, there is nothing wrong about reassuring him, doing nice things with him, keeping in touch on a regular basis, etc. But don't put your own life on hold because he's away.

When I go out with my girlfriend, I will usually send him 1 or 2 (sometimes more) texts while I'm out... if I don't want to be too rude to the people I'm with, sometimes I just send him a picture of where I am so he knows I'm thinking of him and he gets to see what I see... and it's a lot quicker to do than sending a text message!

1. Visiting once a month is awesome for a LDR! I would kill for once a month! Whether it will be enough for you guys will completely depend on you... but I'd say it's fair enough!!

2. You both need to put that failed relationship behind you. Stop comparing your relationship to the one in his past... The factors are different... even he is different now than he was those years ago! Just live your relationship!

3. checking fares regularly, booking about 60 days in advance, kayak.com

Now, take a deep breath and relax. Focus your energy on your current relationship... and find ways to do things for him because it makes you happy... not as a strategy to make your relationship different than his last one. It already is!

[Hollandia]

I think once a month would be great for me. I envy you that. We have to wait 90 days each time.

14 hours sounds like maybe you could try a train sometimes to save some money if you can take the extra travel days to get there and back.

[kittyo9]

As someone who sees their SO maybe once a year... yes, once a month is plenty. If you are in a bind for money or time, I might even say it's too frequent, but if you can afford it, by all means, go for it!

I think being older and in an LDR, you might feel a little more grounded, but that doesn't keep you away from all the drama of a relationship. Like Verojoon said, put it behind you guys. You're the new lady in town, you're awesome, and you do not care that he his previous relationship failed-- if it hadn't, you wouldn't be with him! If you both share a common goal-- for example, moving to a particular place and having steady jobs-- you can make this work quite easily, especially as adults. You're confident in your relationship, determined to keep it going, and aren't afraid to show him that!

[Sora1101]

Is visiting every 4 weeks good? Duh? I get to visit my SO once a freakin year for a weekend. Stop freaking out and just let things fall where they may.

[rixue]

If you can afford it and find time for monthly visits it perfectly fine to visit every 4 weeks. That is normally how often me and my SO visit one another. Sometimes that changes though depending on money, time off, etc.

[LittleVari]

Really? It's up to you and your relationship. Some people see each other once a year and that works for them. Some people see each other once a week and it's not enough. No one can answer this for you because what works for one couple doesn't work for another. I see my SO every 2-3 weeks and I don't know if I could cope with less. I admire the people on this board who go so much longer that I have to go.

[chibij14]

Thanks to everyone for your help and advice, especially Verojoon & kittyo9!

I'm taking away some important things to remind this little worrier (me) to just enjoy the relationship and STOP stressing out!

1. "Now, take a deep breath and relax. Focus your energy on your current relationship... and find ways to do things for him because it makes you happy... not as a strategy to make your relationship different than his last one. It already is!" - Verojoon

2. "You're the new lady in town, you're awesome, and you do not care that he his previous relationship failed-- if it hadn't, you wouldn't be with him! If you both share a common goal-- for example, moving to a particular place and having steady jobs-- you can make this work quite easily, especially as adults. You're confident in your relationship, determined to keep it going, and aren't afraid to show him that!" - kittyo9

I agree that I'm overthinking it all but that's probably a little insecurity for never experiencing this type of relationship before, especially not while being a single mom, and I'm also losing someone I've lived with for as long as I've known them...
So I'm a little spoiled.

I do look forward to doing things I wouldn't normally do while he was here, only out of respect for our *limited* time, but I can't wait for the day that we can be together again like this. I'm sorry for those of you who don't have the oppotunity to see your SO as often, and who knows if I will even be able to uphold an "every 4 week" plan. I honestly just didn't know if once a month is very good or not. Again, I have never done this before.

Anyway, I appreciate the advice (yes, even you more sarcastic ones... ), support, and warm wishes you offer. It lets me know I'm dealing with some really good people and glad I joined this site, recently. Thanks, again!

*I hope I get my wristbands, soon! Just ordered them, yesterday.

[hrp2007]

I think it sounds good to me (:

[sewbama]

As someone who does get frequent visits with their SO, I'll provide a bit of insight into the things that make frequent visits hard (because despite how AWESOME it is, there are some difficulties, too).

I see my SO every two weeks. We only live 3 hours (and one time zone) apart. We are both extremely busy PhD students (read:broke). It's great I get to see him so often, but EVERY time I see him (apart from holidays, which are great), it's only for two or three days. Sometimes it's just like I didn't see him at all. It goes by SO fast. I would gladly trade a few visits for a whole week with him...

Not everyone is as busy as a PhD student, but everyone has things to do... It takes a lot of time to do a visit. Especially with the travel time you have... But not only that, packing, getting back, and as anyone can tell you here, the first few days after a visit are terrible. And honestly, more frequent visits does not make it easier to say goodbye (I've also had to say goodbye not knowing when the next visit would be). For me, as much as I want to be productive during a visit, it is really hard to get anything of use done. This might be less important if you have a 9-5 type job, but for him, exercising and stuff will still have to happen while you're there. That is really hard to do.

You have to remember that making that kind of trip regularly is really draining, even if you can afford it. Something we've been really careful about is making sure that the drive or visit itself doesn't make us resentful. If you get sick of making that trip, it will do terrible things to your relationship. So be really cautious of that. One thing we've done is take the bus or train and try to take turns making the trip.

I also lived with my SO for a year after 6 months of LD, now we're LD again. It's hard to get used to not seeing him. But you should just relax with regards to your relationship. If you are both committed to it, you can make it work.

It does seem like you're putting more time into planning visits than into planning communication while you're apart (this may not be the case, just going off your post). You should have as much of a plan regarding communication as possible. The fact that he's done LD before could help in this regard, as he probably had an idea how much/what kind of communication he needs to be comfortable. But you guys should try to have a plan about how much you talk and your schedules, etc. My SO and I talk at bedtime every day, and text throughout the day. Other phone calls are optional and happen if we have time and something specific to talk about. But we talk EVERY night at bedtime, even if its just for a few minutes (helps that we're only one time zone apart). But having a plan for how much you'll talk and being flexible to adjust that if it turns out your needs are different is really important.

Good luck!

[chibij14]

Thanks, sewbama! I had no idea that even visiting could be so hard and create some difficulties, too. Either way, I'm going to try and stay really positive and just take things one day at a time. I do like your idea though about planning communication and I've started doing that a few days ago, since I purchased the LDR Workbook from this website. It has some neat assignments I want to discuss with my SO before he leaves for home. Last night, I even mentioned how we probably need to discuss how we want to handle communication, like if someone goes out, do we hit them up when we get back or just sometime the next day.

I'm so busy with work, my son, and my business that I feel like I'll be okay with what I'm getting now. We don't normally talk during the day but when I get home or put my son to bed, THEN we get time together. Granted, it won't be in person like it was before, but by the time I put my little guy in bed (8pm - 9pm: his time), I'm usually ready to hit the sack by about 10pm (11pm: his time). We can use this as a guide to discuss chatting on the phone, Skyping, or watching the same movie together during that time before I go to bed.

Plus, in terms of visiting, I realize this will probably only be a LDR for about 4-5 months. He is going to try one more time in March to make the NFL and results should be released around late April/May since he's "free agent" status. His whole reason for going home and training is because of the person he has to prepare him for these two big days, so that's why there was no plan for me to follow him because we should know by about May what/where he'll be.

If he doesn't make it, we seem to be on the same page about him possibly coming back to IL while we figure out his next steps (try again next year, or just get a regular job). If he does make it, I believe we're just going to move wherever his team is playing or I'll stay in IL if the team is close enough (Ex: Bears, Colts, Rams are all SUPER close).

Anyway, thanks for listening to me and giving me advice. I'm really stoked about this because I tend to be a really happy and positive person, but I realize there will be rough patches. Best of luck to you and your SO, as well as your upcoming achievements with your education/career. Very awesome!