What does marriage mean to you?

[lademoiselle]

I've put this thread in the main LDR forum because I figured it would reach a wider audience here - sorry if it would be better suited to the weddings section!

I was chatting with my SO this morning when the meaning of marriage came up. He told me that the current statistics in France are that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, and more children are born out of wedlock than in it... so what was the purpose of marriage now?

That really got me thinking. Is marriage a symbol of deeper commitment? Is it the cornerstone of society, a foundation on which to build a family? Or it is just a formality - and quite an unnecessary one, because love doesn't need to be recognised by the state to be real?

I'm very curious to find out what marriage means to you guys, because I don't think it's an easy question to answer!

ETA: I'll be back to explain my own views later - I have to run to class right now, but I wanted to post this first

[lucybelle]

I don't really know what marriage means to me. In a way, for me and my SO it's our gateway to USA residency so we can move back together. So in that perspective it's just a legal paper. I don't know that it will validate my relationship anymore. I'm not religious so it isn't a "God" thing. I don't think you need to be married to have a healthy, happy family with kids. And marriage is certainly NOT synonymous to a healthy, happy family.

I am very nervous about getting married. I know the divorce statistics. The thing that makes me the most scared is when my parents got divorced and my mom told me "when you get married, you're so in love. But it doesn't always last"

I know that at the time she was trying to help me with the divorce. But I've remembered that all my life. And I'm so worried that's what will happen to my SO and I.

We'll both work hard to make sure it doesn't. But only time will tell.

I don't know what marriage means to me. But I'm excited to go on the journey with my SO.

[faith_patience_believe]

To me, marriage doesn't have much to do with being recognized by the state. Its all about being married in God's eyes. My religious beliefs are very important to me and my SO. Marriage is also about that ultimate bond and commitment to each other. When I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with someone, I couldn't imagine not getting married. I also believe that it is beneficial for children to have strong, committed mother and father figures. Yes, divorce rates are climbing, but I think thats due to more couples living together and having sex before marriage (statistics are showing this). I prefer to stay traditional.
Marriage is very important to me. I can't wait to travel through life with all the joys and struggles that marriage may bring my future husband and I.

[lucybelle]

Yes, divorce rates are climbing, but I think thats due to more couples living together and having sex before marriage (statistics are showing this).

I won't start a debate. But I will make an accusation.

That's ignorant.

[Malaga]

My friends and I have this joke, that nowadays the romantic gesture of ultimate commitment is to have a guy ask you if you'd like to sign for mortgage with him, because marriages fall apart so easily but a loan is sure to keep you together for the next 30-40 years.

Personally, marriage is important to me not necessarily as a proof of love but as a milestone of commitment. I think the foundations for starting a family are built in years before the wedding or even proposal, and I don't believe marriage can transform a relationship into something other than it already is. It won't make people more mature or less likely to cheat or to leave. It won't solve trust issues or make communication easier. It is in no way a guarantee for 'ever after' either. But it's a statement of intent, formal acknowledgement of all the silent promises and statements of intent we've been giving each other over the years. It might not work out, but we both accept the responsibility to try and make it work forever. It's not that marriage makes you more committed but it makes you acknowledge that level of commitment, which to me is an important step.

I don't think couples who never plan to get married love each other less, or are less serious about their future together. This is the level of acknowledgement that suits them and that's fine. But for me personally this sort of formality is very important, for us as a couple and each of us individually.

[Puppy's.Kitty]

Hmm this isn't something easy to answer for sure, I'll have to ask my SO. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my mom always went back and forth on whether to get married or not telling me its horrible one moment and that I should the next, but to me its like a promise to that person to try to keep the connection you both share. I don't believe you need to be married to have your love seen in whatever god you believe in eyes. It's a way to connect deeper with your special someone and something special for the both of you. It's a memory to carry with you forever that is shares with those you love, and its a promise that no matter what happens you will do your best to over come any obstacles still in love. That's what comes to my mind now anyways. Though I like a quote from a picture I saw floating around Facebook about a couple married for a long time (forgot the years) "we were born in a time when something was broken you fixes it, not throw it away" or something along those lines lol.

[Mims27]

I never really considered marriage until my SO and I were serious and I realised that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Also seeing as our relationship is recongnized in my country we can get married here. It's also something to seriously consider especially when it comes to her moving to Canada...being married helps a lot.

[lucybelle]

Personally, marriage is important to me not necessarily as a proof of love but as a milestone of commitment. I think the foundations for starting a family are built in years before the wedding or even proposal, and I don't believe marriage can transform a relationship into something other than it already is. It won't make people more mature or less likely to cheat or to leave. It won't solve trust issues or make communication easier. It is in no way a guarantee for 'ever after' either. But it's a statement of intent, formal acknowledgement of all the silent promises and statements of intent we've been giving each other over the years. It might not work out, but we both accept the responsibility to try and make it work forever. It's not that marriage makes you more committed but it makes you acknowledge that level of commitment, which to me is an important step.

I agree with this. Thanks for putting into words what I was thinking!!

[faith_patience_believe]

I won't start a debate. But I will make an accusation.

That's ignorant.

I don't want to start a debate either. Maybe my sources are incorrect, maybe they aren't, but thats what I've heard. And I believe it's a contributing factor.
But we're both entitled to our own opinions. And I respect yours.
Of course I wish everyone the best with their marriages, no matter how they go about it.

[AliDance]

Personally, marriage is important to me not necessarily as a proof of love but as a milestone of commitment. I think the foundations for starting a family are built in years before the wedding or even proposal, and I don't believe marriage can transform a relationship into something other than it already is. It won't make people more mature or less likely to cheat or to leave. It won't solve trust issues or make communication easier. It is in no way a guarantee for 'ever after' either. But it's a statement of intent, formal acknowledgement of all the silent promises and statements of intent we've been giving each other over the years. It might not work out, but we both accept the responsibility to try and make it work forever. It's not that marriage makes you more committed but it makes you acknowledge that level of commitment, which to me is an important step.
.

This, exactly !

[Dziubka]

I think to me it's about committment and taking responsibility for each other.

You can be morally obliged to share in a relationship. If you were sort of wealthy and your SO wasn't and you wouldn't help them if their electricty was about to get canceled, that would be fine from a legal point of view. People would probably think you were an asshole, but if your SO was ok with this, then you'd be fine.
Once you're married you're legally obliged to care for each other financially (at least over here... but I guess it's more or less the same everywhere).
You become each other's closest family not only in your mind, but also legally.

I agree with Malaga and lucybelle that it's not a proof of love and I don't believe that it makes your love stronger or makes you less likely to break up. I'm glad that nowadays we have the possibility to get divorced if for whatever reason our marriage doesn't work out. I hope I'll never have to make use of it, but I still like knowing that I could.

[ST25]

'Taking responsibility of each other'? What?

The premise of a marriage is a statement of the commitment that you're willing to make in the far future. Marriage also takes an amount of WORK. W-O-R-K. So the ones who expect for their marriage to have happy-filled and beautiful days, they are going to get a nasty shock.

Marriage is when you're willing to compromise after arguments and disagreements. Marriage is when you can not have unrealistic expectations out of them so far down in that stage of the relationship. Marriage is something rare to uphold - like they say, for better and for worse, and a lot of people fall out immediately after the 'for worse' part.

If you can't take it, then fuck it's not for you. Go divorce and stop wasting money on something you wish can happen but cannot because you choose to be immature, extremely idealistic and frivolous about a serious stage of commitment. The honeymoon stage can only last for so long.

[lyonsgirl]

I agree with Malaga's comment about the level of commitment, not the proof of love. Honestly, marriage is, in my eyes, the promise that you'll work through the issues. You'll work through when one of you loses a job, the loss of a family member/friend, the neighbors you can't stand, the illnesses, etc. I love God-and so yea, that's part of the reason marriage is a big deal to me (partly because we're waiting until we're married ).

I don't think that living together/having sex before marriage is entirely the reason that divorce rates are climbing. I think a larger part of why divorce rates are so high in today's society is because we give up trying. It gets too hard, whatever "it" is. And so, instead of dealing with our problems, we turn & run. From what I've seen, one of the number one causes of divorce is money. Maybe it's because there's not enough in the bank and too much on the cards, or in the stuff you have or whatever... but I think people are just giving up.

[Dziubka]

'Taking responsibility of each other'? What?

I assume that the rest was not directed at me...

It's about responsibility in a way that... I guess most of the time if you immigrate on a spousal visa, you have to proof that you can sponsor your partner. If they can't support themselves for some reason or other, then you have to.
If you take out a loan as a couple, whoever of you has money, will have to pay it back - even if you get divorced.
In court, even if you know your spouse is guilty, you don't have to testify against them.
After someone dies, if they don't have an organ donor card, their family (and if they're married their spouse is family) has to decide what happens.
If because of illness you can't make your own decisions anymore, a lot of the time, your spouse will have to decide.

That's responsibility. It's about saying no matter what kind of shit you get yourself (or us!) into, I won't leave you and I'll help you sort it out.

You can compromise, work and be together for better and worse without marriage.

[ST25]

I assume that the rest was not directed at me...

It's about responsibility in a way that... I guess most of the time if you immigrate on a spousal visa, you have to proof that you can sponsor your partner. If they can't support themselves for some reason or other, then you have to.
If you take out a loan as a couple, whoever of you has money, will have to pay it back - even if you get divorced.
In court, even if you know your spouse is guilty, you don't have to testify against them.
After someone dies, if they don't have an organ donor card, their family (and if they're married their spouse is family) has to decide what happens.
If because of illness you can't make your own decisions anymore, a lot of the time, your spouse will have to decide.

That's responsibility. It's about saying no matter what kind of shit you get yourself (or us!) into, I won't leave you and I'll help you sort it out.

You can compromise, work and be together for better and worse without marriage.

Ahh, now I understand. I agree with that.

And the rest of the post wasn't directed towards you, it was in general.