Having guy friends around when my boyfriend is far away

[RunalovesHenry]

I realize hang out with guys makes me feel better and miss my boyfriend less for a while. Girls always talk abt their boyfriends and I end up feeling alone and miss my boyfriend even more.

But then I always start to feel attracted to the guys. I want to be hugged. In the end, I have to leave early from parties because I start to fancy them in my head. I don't love these guys friends, they don't do inappropriate things but clearly they wouldn't mind if I want more than just some talk.

Recently, I talk a lot to a guy in one of my classes. I talk to him more often than to my boyfriend, we have drinks, he wants me to watch his games... I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend and discuss the limits, maybe?

What are the boundaries in this case?

[stephanieaz]

The boundaries are whatever you and your boyfriend are comfortable with. I definitely think you should discuss it with him. If I were feeling that much temptation, I would probably choose not to put myself in those situations. I would also think about what I'm not getting out of my current relationship that I am seeking elsewhere. It might be a good idea to think about your relationship, what you want, etc. before talking to your boyfriend. Good luck.

[Nbaby]

Hey there. I also hang out with guys better than girls. But I do make sure that i put boundaries for myself to how far we can go for a "friendship". I think its important to talk about it with your boyfriend. Maybe you think its all innocent but he might have another oppinion about it. I do know that from my own experience that most boyfriends wouldnt really be happy with it and would expect you to be less "intimate". For a fact my boyfriend wouldnt be happy at all.

If he trusts you enough then its no problem. But would you like it the other way around if he was hugging other girls or giving female friends more attention than you? Especially in LDR i think it would be hard because you cant be there with him. My advice is to discuss this with him. After that conversation you might find out what the boundaries are. Hope this helps.

[Zephii]

The best guide I've ever been given is this: If you feel guilty, or you feel like you can't tell your SO what you've been doing then what you are doing is probably wrong.

But yeah, discuss it with him.

My best mate is a guy, and my SO has no issues with that, but I know if I were spending more time with him than my SO, watching his games (or other supportive "girlfriendly" activities) and using him for comfort while my SO was away, there'd be an issue with that.

[Sharon Q]

It all depends on what you and your SO are okay with. My SO didn't like me hanging around guys much but got used to it. Tho I wasn't allowed to cuddle or kinda crap like that. Just hugs and normal friend stuff.

It all depends but yes talk to him. And I agree. If it feels wrong it is.

[alittlemind]

I'm a bit like you, I prefer to hang out with guys because there is less drama, emotional stuff, etc. That combined with my class being very small, and most of the decent people being guys, I have more guy friends than girl friends. My group of friends is extremely close and I hug my guy friends, friendly flirt with them, go to their basketball games, etc. This is just how my class is and my boyfriend has been a part of it once and understands that. We've discussed it and he doesn't mind that I do these things. It all depends on who you two are as a couple. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable, it's your job to back off and not give anyone the wrong idea. I understand how you can be feeling lonely and are seeking comfort in other people, but just remember that it doesn't make it right to do it. Talk to your boyfriend, discuss your boundaries, and see how it goes.

[Sora1101]

you've already drawn your boundaries. you hang out with your guy friends until you start craving male attention and then you get up and leave instead of acting on it. That's the only thing you can do unless you want to cut out all guy friends from your life (which is stupid and unfair when you aren't acting on it)

[Amelia]

The best guide I've ever been given is this: If you feel guilty, or you feel like you can't tell your SO what you've been doing then what you are doing is probably wrong

Definitely agree with that, as soon as you start feeling guilty and dread telling your SO then maybe your doing something wrong

[Chickadee]

I agree with Stephanie. I don't think you're doing "wrong," but I would definitely look at what you are seeking within your relationship with your boyfriend. I recently did the same, after befriending some guys and feeling bad for it, and realized I was lacking a LOT... I'm not saying that you are missing many things or seeking tons, but considering it won't hurt. I would definitely talk to your boyfriend about it. You don't want to be "sneaking around" even if it's a platonic relationship.

[jleec24]

My SO also has more guy friends than girl friends. At first it really bothered me and I had trouble understanding it. When in an LDR, it can be easy to feel replaced in a sense. So I was very upset and I tried to talk to her about it and we set clear boundaries, she would talk to me about what was going on and we would discuss whether it was a good idea or not and etc. She never really flirted with her guy friends because she said she felt guilty and their isn't really one that she talks to more than she talks to me but the one that she does talk to most often presents a "brother" figure in her life and I can totally understand that and I totally accept that.

All that being said, you need to talk to him and be completely honest with him about everything. He might not like it and if you do care about your SO then that's something you have to put into consideration. Discuss it with him, set your boundaries with him to make sure he feels safe and you can still have a good time and etc. Differentiate right from wrong and come to a compromise so that the both of you are happy and secure in your relationship with each other.

[Verojoon]

I've always had a flirty personality and hung out with guys more than girls... At first when it bothered my SO, I just told him it's how I am and it doesn't mean anything blah blah blah... But seeing how it upset him and how he never put himself in that type of position to upset me, I decided to make an effort to make some girl friends... I never got along with girls too much before but they were just girls I was thrown together with at work or whatnot... Turns out if I actually seek out girlfriends I could find some like-minded girls I have an absolute blast with! Bonus is that SO loves hearing the stories of my nights out with the girls, I discovered friends that I ended up much closer to than my closest male friends and there is no strain on our relationship caused by the friendship...

I still kept contact with my guy friends but after our break-up over the summer and getting back together and seeing him working so hard on all the things that didn't work for me in the relationship, I decided I should ditch my guy friends to make things comfortable for him. I guess since I'd been slowly turning away from them anyways, it was really not a difficult thing to do and looking it from a distance I see there was a lot of sexual tension in that flirting and that's not really healthy for our relationship. Now, I'm not saying I won't have any guy friends because I'm in a relationship, but I am staying away from the ones with whom there is a history (or even just a history of flirting)

If I had a guy friend whom I was very close to and considered him my best friend, then I would handle things differently.,, but in my case it was simple and a lot easier than I ever thought t would be... (My ex husband actually encouraged my flirting... as long as he was the one who I went home to at the end of the night... so it's all been a learning experience for me!!)