Two issues

[Sharon Q]

Two things have been bothering me really. I'll start with the less concerning one.

As some of you know my mom passed from lung cancer this year ( she had it for over four years ) It has now been four months since she has passed and this will be the first set of holidays without her, Frankly I'm not even looking forward to the holidays I just want to buy gifts for my main family and friends, hand them out and be done with it.

My Dad has been doing alright, tho Im not sure if his method is " normal " after my mom passed he got rid of all her stuff after all three of us kids went through it, then what we didnt want the other family members could have, what no one took was donated to Good Will.
He even got rid of the furniture in the living room. Changed the bedroom and even got a new bed, He would make excuses like " I keep rolling to the middle of the bed "
Anyway it was obvious he's hurting and needed change. Which I can understand.

Tho here lately he's been going out to bars or to a friends house and he will stay out really late. Generally its about once or twice a week.
Now normally when he tells me he is going to a friends he will name the friend like he'll give me a guys name from work or he will say out with sandy and fred or so and so.

But here lately he wont say who, he just says " I'm at a friends house "

Which makes me think he might be seeing someone.

Now I know when mom was still alive they had talked about it and she had told him it was okay. I see no point in him staying single when he has a good 30+ years or so possibly left of his life. Hes only 56. And I told him I don't care as long as he doesnt get married super soon like with in a year or so. His reply to that was that he wasnt going to get married again.

Still. I can't say for sure, My brother also thinks he might be seeing someone as well. And while its none of our business we ( my brother and I ) both feel its too soon, It has only been four months. He was with my mom for 25 years.

Neither my brother or I are sure how to feel about this, and Im sure if my dad is seeing someone he would tell us when he was ready. I'm 21 My brother is in his early 30's so its not like we wouldnt handle it maturely as long as the person my dad is seeing is all " you can call me mom "


Issue 2 :

Robert and I have been fighting a lot. We closed the distance. I still live with my dad, Before he said okay to closing the distance he had to see if he could stay with some friends. He had told me that one friend had said okay. so then he got his ticket. ( this other friend lives a city away from me )
He then talked to another friend who his parents were willing to let him stay there for a month ( that was after he got here )

Well turns out the one friend who lives a city away from me his version of " okay " is more of a " will see/ maybe "
Which I didn't know because when I say okay. it means okay, not we will see.

So this friend had told Robert okay but it more or less ment maybe, which Robert knew, but got his ticket anyway.

So now he has been back here a month, I have lost my job, and he has yet to find a job, I have yet to find a new one.

I am now ( after a really big fight ) paying for a month at a hotel $700 and then $200 for food.
And if after that month of us staying in a hotel, and we still dont have a place he might have to go back to PA.

I am unsure if we would do long distance again. I am unsure of a lot.

Now I do not think my boyfriend lied to me, I think he just assumed because I was friends with his friends as well that I would know what their verson of " okay " ment. And I think Robert thought we would have better luck with find a job and an apartment here than what we have.

This has caused a few really bad fights, involving name calling and a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. I think we are both just really scared, we are running out of options.

All of the shelters here are full.
My Dad WILL NOT let him stay here, my dad is way too old fashioned for that.
And with winter coming. that adds to the worry and stress.

I am applying for SSI monday, I have a disability, but Ive tried to avoid SSI but seeing as my last job fired me. Its either this or stay with my dad forever and thats not going to happen.

Then Tuesday we are going to job and family services to have Robert apply for food stamps, because even tho he is staying with a friend its not permanite and in fact by next friday we will be in a hotel. I want him to get the food stamps so he will not have to worry about food for now.

We also have an appointment in a few weeks at an income baised place.... one problem when I made the appointment I had income, now I dont and it could take months for my SSI to come in IF I get approved.

We are both scared and running out of options.
Both the friends we've talked to live with their parents, so its not up to his friends, and most of my friends either dont live in the city or are not able to add us to the lease because of rules their land lord has set.

I even looked into room shares online Where you share a house or appartment but the thought of living with strangers scares me. I mean say my SO gets a job and has to work and then I am here with these people I hardly know.... I dont like that at all I would not feel safe.

As a last resort he may have to go back to his aunt's and I am afraid he will be mad at me for not providing for him. but I only have a few thousand saved up. it took years for me to save it all and if I tap into all of it and have no money for the future needs like a car, or some sort of emergancy.... then idk...

I am hoping this is just a rough patch for us... but we may not make it after all... only time will tell.

Any advice you can offer for my issues would be helpful. thanks for reading

[MissButterfly]

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss, that must have been really hard... I read it all and I feel really sorry that you have to deal with all of this at once at your age, already. I don't really have any other advice than try to stay positive! That is the only way to get through this, don't assume the worst is going to happen. You've clearly thought it out and that's a good thing, but now you need to focus on the things you can reach and just keep talking to each other.
As far as your dad is concerned, as long as he is healthy, this is probably his way of dealing with it all and the is not much you can change about that, I guess. Even if he is seeing someone, he'll tell you eventually when he's ready for it, as you already stated.
I really don't know what else I can say, I just wanted to wish you all the best and let you know that I'll keep you both in my thoughts. I hope that things will be a bit brighter for you soon! Good luck *hugs*

[Sharon Q]

Thank you. Im just worried about losing people. Im just now properly dealing with the loss of my mom and " getting over it " I cant afford to lose anyone else. I think it would be too much for my system ya know?

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Issue 1: You deal with it and you don't say a word of criticism to your father. It's his wife who died, it's his life he's trying to rebuild.

Issue 2: I can understand very much what you're going through here. My SO's facing homelessness right now too and it's really scary not knowing how long he'll be able to stay at a place or where he's going to sleep in a day, 3 days, a week, a month. I've learned a few things, but the biggest one I'd say is to keep your options open. Having a houseshare or a roommate that you have to find online isn't as dangerous as it sounds, there's things you can do to take some of that worry off if need be but it is so important to keep that as an option. Keep researching, be persistent with the government-y types, make sure you're on top of things with paperwork and deadlines. About your savings.. I can't tell you how to spend your money. But I'd imagine "My SO could be homeless" is pretty much an emergency.

And I know it's hard when you're both this stressed and afraid and feeling sensitive, but you can't be fighting with him and yelling with him. You've both got enough on your plates, you need to be supportive. Yes, sometimes you're going to have to swallow your emotions. Yes, sometimes you're going to need to excuse yourself so you can run to the bathroom and cry so you're not crying in front of him. But it has to be done because you two really don't have time or energy to spare for intense emotions or arguments or stuff like that. You have work to do. You can scream at each other when he has a roof over his head.

[LilyChiba]

Just like you needed comfort from Robert, perhaps he needs comfort? I know my mum personally didn't do anything for 2 years, but that's also because life was a mess. I moved out, my sister got ripped up and they moved to another town for mum's work which she got sick of. So on. It may seem rather soon, but 4 months might seem like a life time to him to not have his wife or the comforts of having someone by his side.

As for the other issue, if you have to share just to stay together, I'd see how it worked out. One of my house mates was someone we had simply met online, and he turned out pretty ok. We bump heads, but we do what we have to, to stay financially stable.