He said that he wants to move back home, and I don't know what to do or say...

[Bluestars]

I do not know what to do. My boyfriend moved up here with his dad a month ago, and although things have been rough, I thought that everything was going to work out. He visited me on Tuesday, and everything seemed fine. I know that he has been feeling frustrated because he hasn't found a job yet, but the economy is horrible, and you just aren't going to find a job right away. He also gets bored a lot because he doesn't have any friends here. I have tried giving him ideas to make some, but he hasn't made any.

Jared got a job interview a week ago, and today he got a call from them, and they said they are not going to hire him, but continue looking for other people. He texted me this, and then an hour later, I got a call from him. The first thing he said was, "I want to move back." I couldn't say anything. I burst into tears and we just sat there in silence for five minutes with me crying hysterically. I finally told him that he had to drive down to see me when I get out of class tonight so we could talk about this in person, and that I had to go because I couldn't handle this right now, since I had class in thirty minutes.

I feel as though he is giving up too easily, and I think a lot of this has to do with him not getting that one job. But in my mind, I think that he will have to go through some hardship before he finds one. It isn't going to be EASY. Jobs are receiving hundreds of applications a day. He says that is not the only reason, that he is also homesick. But I do not know what he expects. If he goes home now, things will not be the same. His dad has already rented out his house. He will not be able to move back into it. He quit his old job, so he will not have a job there either.

I do not know what to say to him. I want him to do what is best for him and for him to be happy.....But I don't know how I will feel if he moves back because right now I am feeling bitter and angry at him.....

Advice please!?

[Tanja]

Well it seems like he's not very patient.... I've been layed-off for 7 months now and been sending applications like mad, I've only gotten myself into 1 interview and I didn't get the job. Just these past 30 days I've sent 10 applications and got rejected every time. What can I do about it? Nothing, so better just keep trying.

It's just not possible to find a job straight away at a time like this. He really shouldn't be giving up so easily. I know it must be really hard for him if he hasn't got any friends there and only has his dad to keep him company but there are so many ppl without a job out there, that's just the way things are and he should see it.

If he gives up after just one month then he's not very determined to be honest. I know it seems very tempting for him to just go back home to do nothing cause at least there he would have friends and family with him... but he would again be further away from you.

You just need to talk to him and ask if that's what he really, truly wants - to be with his friends and family or to be with you while trying to get a job? Getting the job either way won't be any easier.

[Taija]

I'm sorry to hear about that. *hugs*

It does seem like he's giving up too easily - getting a job is no easy task these days and all it takes is a lot of patience and determination. But like you said, it will be just as hard if he moves back home so I don't think that's the biggest reason why he wants to go back.

Homesickness is a more complicated problem. I'm sure he does want to be near you just as much as you, but he's probably feeling very lonely right now, with no friends or places to go in the new town. Getting used to moving can take a while, so you should ask him if he's willing to maybe wait another month and see if he still feels the same way then or if he was just having a moment of doubt.

[Alisz]

Aw, I'm sorry *hugs* It sounds like he's just having a bad day/week/month and may be overreacting out of frustration. I'm sure he knows that going back home isn't going to solve anything and he may even be worse off there. I understand how he's feeling tho. I lived in Quebec for awhile without a job or other friends besides my then boyfriend. I wasn't in a big city and didn't even have a car... And worst of all, my French is terrible and where I was EVERYONE spoke it, so I was constantly getting things translated for me or struggling to hear the jist of what was being said. I got frustrated a lot and had wanted to go home a lot. Sometimes I did. I thought I'd feel better, but I didn't. It was just a change I had to get used to and eventually I did.

I don't know what else you can do, but support him. Maybe introduce him to some people? Go with him to someplace where he might meet some friends? Maybe he hasn't attempted your ideas because he is in a new place and it can be daunting to do things like that on your own. Who knows? Maybe he could meet a friend that can help get him a job somewhere.

[woop woop]

I'm sorry to hear this Bluestars. I've moved quite a bit, and I've also had to search for work quite a bit. Both can be really hard and scary things to do, and sometimes the hardest thing is staying hopeful. It is also really difficult to make that transition from being a student where your purpose is self evident, and your friends are all just...there (at class, or in your house usually) to being somewhere new, without a job, and without all those safety nets. I know this is isn't great advice, but I hope it helps you to see where he's coming from a bit. I do agree with Alisz - all you can do is support him and be there for him.

[folclor]

I've been searching for a job since August and have had a couple interviews but nothing has turned up. It's hard, but what you want is worth fighting for. He's probably having a hard time just with the move, but he really needs to stick it out. Tell him the job thing will come eventually but he needs to wait it out a little bit. I'm sorry, though, and I hope he gets his courage back up.

[Zephii]

I can kinda relate to how he feels. I've said the same to Obi. I want to go home too and I've only been here like two weeks lol.
All I can say is be supportive, remind him of why he's doing something that makes him unhappy - be sure he knows you truly appreciate it, and then just ask him to stick it out longer, like six months. You havn't really given something a go in under that time, after all.
Perhaps get him more involved with your social circle or go out together to make friends, so it's less daunting for him?
Wanting to go home doesn't automattically mean he will, perhaps that's just how he feels?
I hope you's can work something out. Keep us posted?

[garnet]

What state is he from? If he is new to the south it could be culture shock to actually live there? This is just my little guess of what could possibly be happening.

[MadMolly]

I can sort of relate to this... I lived in the same city as my guy, looking for a job, after 4 months I couldn't handle it anymore and left. It was the darkest time of my life and I didn't know what to do, where to turn to... except in my case, I had a home and friends to return to but it sounds like Jared would be in the job pickle worse if he moved back, as he wouldn't be able to stay anywhere. One month isn't long though... tell him to stick it out. Keep encouraging him. Good luck.

[lunamea]

I can kinda relate to how he feels. I've said the same to Obi. I want to go home too and I've only been here like two weeks lol.

Me, too! Well, I'm back for less than two weeks, and so far I basically hate it (didn't before winter break, before I went home to visit), but now I've been telling my husband "I want to come home" every single day since I'm here. I also think it's just Jared's frustration, hopelessness and loneliness speaking, he's just voicing his feelings, without thinking so much about the actual consequences. At least, that's what I do, at the moment, too - and the idea of "home" is always very tempting when you're feeling down, even if you might later on regret having gone back, too. My hb and mom tell me to hang in there every day, but also tell me that if it really gets too hard, they support me in my decision to "give up" and go back home. I also think that's the best you can do - assure him of your support, no matter how he decides, but also make him aware that it always takes time to get used to a new situation and that he might also regret going back home in the long run... but I'd rather stay positive and point out that it might just take a little longer instead of giving him the feeling that he will be just as miserable back home (which might be true, and he will know it in his heart, but it probably gets him even more down if you point it out like that...)

[Bluestars]

Thank you everyone for replying! Jared drove over to my place last night when I got out of class, and we had a talk. These replies really helped me figure out what to say. I asked him whether he was just upset over that one job turning him down, and he said that was a part of it--he felt as though they rejected him. He also said part of it is just being homesick. My best friend actually just pointed out to me that he has never lived away from home before--unlike me--so of course he is feeling this way now. I would be feeling the same way--especially if I had a hard day. I told Jared that I think he needed to stay longer before he makes up his mind because he hasn't been here all this long.

Jared also mentioned that he felt like he made the move too soon. Quite honestly, I agree that things definitely moved way too fast, mainly because he did not have enough time to plan or save up more money. Basically, I think his dad sort of rushed the move on him. He asked Jared if he was moving to my area eventually, and Jared said yes. So then his dad took the job for that reason and told Jared that he could move in with him until he settles down. Jared wanted to wait a couple of months, but his dad said that he could only help him move the stuff in December. So yes, we realize it might have been too soon, but there is nothing he can really do at the moment but just try his best to get through this.

Eventually, Jared decided to stay a couple of more months to see how it works out. He told his dad about all of this, and he suggested that Jared drive back to Louisiana and stay there a couple of days so that he could come back with a fresh attitude. I spent the night with Jared, and as he was driving me back to school, he got a call from Verizon and they gave him an interview over the phone. Sooo, right now he will probably wait a couple of days in case they contact him back, and then he is most likely going to go drive home for the weekend. I think this will be good for him.

I also must add that I probably took this too personal. I think I sort of felt like he was giving up on us, which isn't the case. Right now, we are going to stick this out, but if in a few months if it doesn't get any better, we might end up going back to the way it was before. It is too early to tell now though.

As for the trying to make new friends, Jared has come down to hang out with my friends around two times when we were watching movies. I am really busssy with school lately, so I don't even get to hang out with friends very often anymore. We are still one hour apart, so it makes it harder to meet up just to hang out with friends, since he doesn't want to drive home too late. He did join a site called Meetup.com and we went on a hiking tour with a group of people in hopes that he would make some friends, but they were a lot older than us. I got Jared to join a group for young adults, but I don't think he has looked at it any. I really do not know how to help him anymore, since, like him, I have social anxiety too.

Jared joined this site today and he read this post. He told me that the responses made him feel a little better knowing that other people have gone through the same situation. I will keep you guys posted if anything comes up! Thanks again!

[Taija]

Great to hear things worked out for the better!