I need...advice. Lots of advice.

[MaggieS]

So, a while ago, around when we first became long distance, my SO and I were chatting about colleges and stuff, how I was concerned that he might not go where he really wanted to out of a desire to stay near me and how I didn't want to give him a reason to resent me in the future. He basically said that he didn't care where he went to uni, so long as it was a good school, and that he wasn't willing to be long distance for more than a year.

At the time, in the way he said it, it sounded sweet.

About a week ago I found out that a year or so before we even met, he applied for a base change to London or Japan. I very nearly had a heart attack, we kind of got into a fight, I was upset that he hadn't told me about this before, and he was lashing out fifty different ways just about the fact that we were long distance. I asked him what would happen to us if he got orders, after he said that it was unlikely to even happen since it had already been a year or so since he'd made the request and he only has a couple of years left, and he kind of avoided the question. He said "I mean I don't know. But when would it end? I mean come on do you really want to spend years apart from your partner? Fuck that. I'm sorry but I hate it." Which broke my heart, a good bit. And...well here's the rest of the conversation.

Me: Kind of sounds like you do know then.
Him: What makes you so ok with being far away?
Me: It's not like I enjoy it or anything. I would just rather be dating you from far away than anyone else close by. And I'm sorry, I thought you felt the same. It's not like I didn't warn you from day one.
Him: I like you a lot. And it hurts me that your far away.
Him: I'm just telling you i can't last years apart. Fuck that.

Does it sound to anyone else like he's over it? Because it does to me. And his repeated use of the phrase 'fuck that' is really damaging.

I just feel like it's all on the rocks right now. Like what, if he gets orders tomorrow, we're over? Just like that? How am I supposed to continue putting effort into a relationship that might be over tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after THAT? I don't want to let go of him, because we fit together like puzzle pieces, but it just doesn't feel like he's invested in our relationship at all. And I have to wonder what he thought he was doing, getting involved in a long term relationship(because I made it very clear from day one that I was going abroad in a month, that I didn't have the time or energy for a fling, and he assured me every day that he wanted this) when he knew that he could be sent away any moment, and that he wouldn't want to maintain the relationship once he was sent away. It just doesn't make sense to me.

[stephanieaz]

How long has he been acting this way? I have gotten angry/frustrated at the distance and lasted out at my fiance. Perhaps this is the same thing and he will get over it?

I do think you are borrowing tomorrow's problems by giving so much attention/energy to his request for a base change. He did it before you met. It hasn't happened and you don't know that it ever will, so why worry about it now? Cross that bridge when you get there.

[Chris516]

Me: It's not like I enjoy it or anything. I would just rather be dating you from far away than anyone else close by.

This one thing you said, struck me like a bombshell. Because, I basically said the very same thing to my SO, just a few days ago.

[MaggieS]

Stephanieaz, he's been in and out like this for a while now. Things go along great, then a huge fight blows up out of nowhere and over something irrational and stupid, and somehow it gets around to him being angry over us being long distance. I honestly don't know what he expects me to do about this, I'm not allowed to go home and visit, it's part of the program's rules.
And I don't see how I'm borrowing tomorrow's problems. Every time he texts me now, since I found out that he requested the change(and I'm not upset about the change being requested, I'm upset about his attitude towards our relationship IF he is given the change) I'm afraid to open the message, because I'm afraid he's finally gotten his orders. I just don't know how to be in a relationship that could theoretically be over at the drop of a hat.

Chris516, judging by the usage of the term bombshell, I'm guessing it wasn't a good situation in which you used the phrase? :/ I hope it turns out well for both of us though.

[stephanieaz]

I just don't know how to be in a relationship that could theoretically be over at the drop of a hat.

I guess the way I see it is that any relationship could theoretically be over at the drop of a hat. There's risks involved in letting someone that close.

That being said, it does seem like he's being very nasty to you and it's not fair for him to "hold you hostage" with the threat of it being over.

How do you usually communicate? If you called or Skyped him, do you think you guys would be able to communicate better (without all of the "fuck you's", etc.)?

I think you just need to be firm with him and set boundaries. It won't be easy, but just tell him that you feel horrible when he's constantly bringing up how he won't do this forever. He needs to make the decision/commitment to be in the relationship 100% without threatening to leave all of the time because that's unfair and draining.

Good luck.

[Kiyama]

That's a tough situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Such an uncertainty is awful

The thing is, I don't know what advice I have for you. There is no solution really is there? A long distance isn't made for everyone and years of it... Honestly, I wouldn't be able to do that either. I don't think this means He doesn't care or he doesn't love you anymore. At the same time it's horrible to know that one of you would do it and the other one wouldn't. Either way, neither one of you is happy with it.

What you can change is the way you communicate and to show more understanding for each other. I hope I could help you a little bit. Feel free to pm me anytime *hugs*

[Zephii]

I don't think he sounds at all less invested in the relationship than you. I think he sounds honest and reasonable, and I completely get where he's coming from (though I think breaking up because of the distance is stupid but I certainly understand why people have to draw a line)

Not everyone can look hopefully at the future and use that to get them through. And that's not such a bad thing, because you can't put life on hold. This is our lives, right now, in this moment. And we could all die tomorrow. Or something. So we need to live our lives as close to the standard of what we want as we can. Otherwise it's just a waste. There's not a lot of good living for the future, unless you're activly taking steps to get there and you can see progress.

Maybe he didn't realise at first how much being LD would suck, or he thought he could cope better. You can't always know how you're going to feel.

If he gets orders, deal with it then. But he hasn't gotten them yet and he may never, so your energy would be better spent reminding him why this is worth it - and making the relationship as enjoyable as possible for both of you - rather than driving it into the ground with even more negativity.

I hope that came out right and wasn't offensive. I'm a bit sleep deprived, but I mean well.

[Riyko]

I agree he put the orders in long before he met you, so don't keep going back to that and let it pass because if he gets his orders there is nothing either one of you can do and while for him the distance does suck, if he can't handle it and even though you really love him, if he wants to break up then it's best to let him go as it's better to be in a happy relationship (where both are happy) than a miserable one (where both are miserable or only one is happy).

I will say it doesn't always happen, but even though it's been so long there is a chance he can still get his orders, i have a friend in the navy who put in his orders to relocate from hawaii to california and almost 4 years later he got the orders to move, he thought it was a lost cause because it was so long than one day he got them and it shocked him (also caused him and his wife to divorce because she's still in hawaii and he's in washington, she put in orders to transfer with him and they told her no). Then it happened to one of my friends in the airforce, he put in his orders to relocate to utah from california a little over 9 months ago and2 weeks ago he got his orders to move to wyoming.

I'm not trying to make things seem negative, i'm just trying to put things into perspective. I'm sorry if it seems harsh or like i'm trying to be mean because i'm not.