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**CanadianGirl** · November 28, 2012, 02:27 PM

You shouldn't feel bad because his mother chooses to wrongly pin his issues on you. I think it's helpful to talk about his plans for self-improvement together. For me, I find that talking about my plans out loud and having someone to report progress to helps keep me on the right track. It's not nagging to support the goals he's made for himself.

**lucybelle** · November 28, 2012, 02:32 PM

Maybe he should mention he's also wasting time arguing with her about his life...

But really, 30 min a day is not that much time. If 30 minutes a day being used for something else is seriously hindering his progress in life, he's got other issues that need to be worked out.

Don't feel bad.

**Biddlybiddlybombop** · November 28, 2012, 08:12 PM

I had an ex's mum call me a bitch because of the "The Way I Affected Her Son". Long story short, soon after he was diagnosed as bi-polar. So no, his massive highs and low lows were not as a result of me spending time with him. 30 minutes is not that long. You spend longer cooking and eating dinner. But that doesn't mean you should go to Mcdonalds every day so you have three quarters of an hour longer to 'self-develop'.

Honestly, it's probably her own frustration, and she's trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that she doesn't think is productive. There might be more tension at home than you realise. The problem is that you're not there, and you can't objectively judge exactly why she's saying it's YOUR fault. Honestly, there's not much you can do about this. It's up to your SO. It's his life, if he wants more out of it, he'll work for more out of it. He's an adult making his own decisions.

But don't blame yourself. You need time with him to sustain the relationship. 30 minutes is not extortionate. His mother is not being fair to you by blaming what she perceives as him 'not getting on with his life' on your relationship with him.

**Mims27** · November 28, 2012, 08:27 PM

Maybe I'm way off here but do you think his mom might be jealous of his relationship with you and that she's lashing out at him by blaming you or making you look "bad"? Some mothers seem to have quite the attachment to their boys to the point of them being clingy. She might be worried or scared that you are stealing him from her. I think it's really up to him to stand up to her and figure out what HE wants out HIS life and all you can do is support his decisions and goals.
Don't feel bad.

**efish1042** · November 28, 2012, 08:49 PM

You can't take that on. If he feels the same as her, then it's an entirely different issue, but it's just her. This relationship is between you two and if she can't accept it, then that's on her. My dad will never accept my SO for very petty reasons, and there is nothing anyone can do about it, so my SO and I just continue on. It's on him, and while it is sad and inconvenient for us, it has no bearing on our relationship. My SO doesn't take on my father's hate. You can't take on his mother's judgement.

**Verojoon** · November 28, 2012, 09:07 PM

Mims - SO thinks she's jealous.. actually he accused her of that... which is what started the main part of the fight... I think she is worried about him... I get where she is coming from... She left her home country with him because she thought he would get the opportunity to do big things with his life... but all she sees his him wasting his time with a single mother who should be concentrating on raising her kids instead of finding love (she's said that before... because when she was a single mother she put everything into raising him...)

I have a very strong respect for my parents (it often doesn't show, but it's at the core of my values...) and my elders... So the fact that she is unhappy with me being in her son's life upsets me a lot... I feel torn. On one hand he's 28 and an adult... and our relationship is between us and no one else... but on the other hand, if we end up together, I would have liked it to be about a joining of families... (though that's difficult with my family just because they are shy ahaha)

Though he doesn't practice, his family is Baha'i. In that faith, parents should approve of their child's partner... However as part of that faith it is also their mandate to judge the potential partner with an open mind and without prejudice... which she isn't doing for me at all...

I feel stupid. I just asked him if he could go for a walk later on this evening so I can call him... I'm not saying I'm never going to Skype with him again... I just don't feel comfortable doing it the very next day after they had that fight...

**Mims27** · November 28, 2012, 09:41 PM

Originally posted by Verojoon View Post

I have a very strong respect for my parents (it often doesn't show, but it's at the core of my values...) and my elders... So the fact that she is unhappy with me being in her son's life upsets me a lot... I feel torn. On one hand he's 28 and an adult... and our relationship is between us and no one else... but on the other hand, if we end up together, I would have liked it to be about a joining of families... (though that's difficult with my family just because they are shy ahaha)

I get that completely. I'm the same way. My mother was having a hard time accepting my relationship, and probably thought I was ruining my life. It really affected me and it made me worry about my relationship with my SO. I felt kind of stuck in the middle. But eventually she realized that this what not going anywhere and that I really love this person who makes me happy. And I told myself that my mom will have to get used to it cause I want to be with her forever. Mom's started accepting it and things have been changing and are getting. They've even bonded when they spent time together at Thanksgiving. All that to say (sorry I was babbling lol), it's probably going take some time but she's gonna have to accept it. She probably just doesn't quite understand it. Maybe if you two meet, it'll be better and she'll see how happy you make her son.

**Verojoon** · November 28, 2012, 10:00 PM

I like the babbling!

This is one of the reason I would like to meet his mom... I don't expect she will love me right away... or even like me.. but I feel we can't make any progress until she meets me... He was considering taking me there to meet her for the first time this visit... but I'm pretty sure her reaction to him skyping with my yesterday blew it... Now I'm just wishing I can at least meet some other people from his family.. if his family knows me and begins to eventually accept me, you'd think it would make her more prone to accepting me in his life... but who knows!

**kiara_silver** · November 28, 2012, 10:18 PM

I like how you said that, a joining of familys. I once had hope for that too..
I feel spoiled now, because to me 30 minutes seems very little, we usually talk a hour minimum. But still, its his mom, family is important, so I see why you feel torn. My SO's mom has said little things that made me question my distraction in my SO's life. About him being in his room talking to me, and then how he'll be able to study more when im gone. It was in no way rude or mean, just joke and fact. She thinks im strange lol but me and his mom get along well, I really admire his mom. Im sure your SO's mom will change her opinion. But she's just being a mom, they worry about there sons, I would just give the relationship time. If your good for her son eventually she'll see it, if not come to terms that your going to be around. The more she gets to know you and see you want whats best for him too, that your on the same side lol But best of luck!

**digitalfever** · November 29, 2012, 04:18 AM

I don't see her as jealous. I see her as scared and trying to keep her son around for pure survival. If she doesn't speak English and needs help to cope in everyday life she may be threatened by the relationship simply because there is a possibility the person she relies most on is going to leave. I'm not sure but I would think that is probably a huge concern on her part and possibly one of the reasons why is so upset.

**Verojoon** · November 29, 2012, 09:21 AM

Originally posted by digitalfever View Post

I don't see her as jealous. I see her as scared and trying to keep her son around for pure survival. If she doesn't speak English and needs help to cope in everyday life she may be threatened by the relationship simply because there is a possibility the person she relies most on is going to leave. I'm not sure but I would think that is probably a huge concern on her part and possibly one of the reasons why is so upset.

This was my concern for a long time... and the main reason we used to say that closing the distance would be impossible. But while we were broken up and my SO was absolutely torn apart over it, she told him it wasn't impossible... In the past few months, he's been doing less and less for her. She has most of her sisters in town with her, and has now been going with them shopping etc. (things she used to rely on him for) They also signed her up for government housing to make her living expenses easier...

If we do close the distance, it won't be for at least 3 years, so considering some steps have already been taken, I have confidence that on that front, she should be more or less independent by then. (These steps are not only so her son could leave but because she's unhappy right now. Back home, she was a single mother and did everything on her own, she was independent... here, she is unhappy, and has nothing really to do but cook and clean and worry about her son...)

But though he thinks she's jealous (maybe she is a little) I also don't think it's the main issue. I think she is genuinely concerned for him. She doesn't want him to waste his life because he is addicted to speaking to a girl on the computer... I think this is another reason I would like to meet her. It would make me more real and less a "girl in the computer" ...

**digitalfever** · November 29, 2012, 10:00 AM

Originally posted by Verojoon View Post

This was my concern for a long time... and the main reason we used to say that closing the distance would be impossible. But while we were broken up and my SO was absolutely torn apart over it, she told him it wasn't impossible... In the past few months, he's been doing less and less for her. She has most of her sisters in town with her, and has now been going with them shopping etc. (things she used to rely on him for) They also signed her up for government housing to make her living expenses easier...

If we do close the distance, it won't be for at least 3 years, so considering some steps have already been taken, I have confidence that on that front, she should be more or less independent by then. (These steps are not only so her son could leave but because she's unhappy right now. Back home, she was a single mother and did everything on her own, she was independent... here, she is unhappy, and has nothing really to do but cook and clean and worry about her son...)

But though he thinks she's jealous (maybe she is a little) I also don't think it's the main issue. I think she is genuinely concerned for him. She doesn't want him to waste his life because he is addicted to speaking to a girl on the computer... I think this is another reason I would like to meet her. It would make me more real and less a "girl in the computer" ...

Obviously that would be best! I think the older generations don’t understand just how much you can connect with someone through a LAN connection (or dial up.) They think that everyone online is either crazy, a fantasy or Paris Hilton. I think talking to her at the very least would be best to make yourself real and to really convey how much you do care for her son.
I don’t think that this is an impossible situation... I think it’s a ton of small issues and possibly assumptions on the mothers part that can be put to rest eventually. It just will take getting to the root of the issue!

**Riyko** · December 1, 2012, 05:26 AM

It sounds like she needs to get out and meet new people that way her mind will be occupied and maybe she'll be more open to her son doing different thing and being in a relationship with you. Yeah i know she doesn't speak english, but honestly that's the perfect opportunity for her to go out and learn english, by taking lessons and while doing that she can meet other people

**Belle** · December 1, 2012, 08:31 PM

Is your SO hispanic?
My parents came to the US from Mexico and its always in the back of my mind. I love and admire both of them for all they have done to bring themselves and their kids a better chance and more opportunities. Its not joke the amount of effort and strength it takes to be a parent, a single parent at that, and an immigrant to this country. I think that she wants the best for him and she is seeing him a little lost on his life goals. This is pretty terrifying for a mother, especially someone who has worked so hard to give him a chance at something great. She may just be trying to find a reason to why her son is not in the position she thinks he should be in. Honestly, I dont know any adult in my family who considers being on the computer a good investment of time lol. She may just think its a distraction regardless of the amount of time, just because shes scared.
About her comment on how you should be focusing on your children... Also a big cultural thing, which I dont agree with. You have a right to look for your own personal happiness without compromising your children. I agree with you that the way she thinks is molded by the choices she made in that situation. I think if she met you in person it would make you a bit more real. She can see what youre like, the effect you have on her son and the values you hold. All in all though, helping your SO focus and move forward in his life is probably the only/best way for her to see you as a positive. Good luck!

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