Thoughts please

[wr1312ec]

So my boyfriend and i have been together for 11 months. For 9 of those 11 months i had kept it a secret from my parents because they got a bad first impression of him and didn't want me with him. Once I told them, i found that they weren't as disappointed as i expected and that they were fine with it. but now they tell me that i do not have a boyfriend. and that what we have is a good friendship, because if he was my boyfriend he would take me out on dates and make it a point to come and see me. Yes they know he doesn't live close, and they also feel like he could very well be seeing someone else. ok so he isn't as far away as most of the LDRs on here he is in PA and i'm in NJ, but he doesn't drive and neither do i. I haven't seen him in a year, and it does hurt that i can't see him everyday. He is my first boyfriend and i care a lot about him, and i do wish i could see him and finally have that first kiss and the first date that i dream about. I get that my parents are only looking out for me and that they don't want me to get hurt or see someone hurt me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? and how did it work out for you?

[sewbama]

Some people will define a relationship by things like going on dates or the number of gifts he gets you. Those people, in my opinion, don't know what a real relationship is (or perhaps don't believe you are capable of being in one?). Your relationship is defined by the feelings you have for each other. The connection you have with each other. It doesn't matter if you see each other every day if you don't have that connection. Your parents opinion doesn't matter. Only you and him matter. So forget it. They don't want to see you hurt, yea, but they also don't know anything about your relationship or your feelings.

It'll all work out somehow. Just keep working for getting there, look into ways to go see him. (Mega-bus, Greyhound, etc are good ways to get around without driving, pretty cheap, too.) But for now, I'd quit talking to your parents about it. It's none of their business and their advice obviously isn't helping.

[louisekerry]

My family do this a lot, some of my friends too, and I've had to speak with them and ask them politely to back off a little. It's good that they care for you and are trying to look out for you by reminding you of the risks you might be taking, but you should maybe explain to them that while you appreciate and love them, you'd like them to respect you and trust you enough to make your own choices, and that one of them is being in this relationship. I've had it put to me by so many people that my SO could be seeing somebody else and I wouldn't have a clue, but I put it to them that people in relationships have affairs all the time, even when they are living in the same house. Its not nice but every one of us is capable of lying and cheating, being in a relationship is about trusting the other person enough not to. If none of us took that risk we'd all be alone.
I don't know how far apart your locations are, I'm from the UK. But a year seems a long time for people who live in the same country, - however saying that, if you're states apart, and I don't know how far these places are like I said, then I can see it being difficult. My point is, if you're closer, or at least close enough to be able to travel on public transport and still haven't seen each other in a year, maybe your parents might just be a little concerned of how committed he might be to this relationship. If you have to fly between these places, I understand that can be expensive etc too, so it depends on your situation I mean obviously there are valid reasons for the length of time you've been apart, maybe you should try to explain to them why it's not easy for you to see each other but that you're both committed to making it work so that one day you can?

Just let them know you appreciate their concern but be firm, you're old enough to make your own choices, even if they turn out to be mistakes, if that's what your parents are worried about.

Good luck

[Ciana]

Some people will define a relationship by things like going on dates or the number of gifts he gets you. Those people, in my opinion, don't know what a real relationship is (or perhaps don't believe you are capable of being in one?). Your relationship is defined by the feelings you have for each other. The connection you have with each other. It doesn't matter if you see each other every day if you don't have that connection. Your parents opinion doesn't matter. Only you and him matter. So forget it. They don't want to see you hurt, yea, but they also don't know anything about your relationship or your feelings.

It'll all work out somehow. Just keep working for getting there, look into ways to go see him. (Mega-bus, Greyhound, etc are good ways to get around without driving, pretty cheap, too.) But for now, I'd quit talking to your parents about it. It's none of their business and their advice obviously isn't helping.

I second this. People will always try to tear you down just because of the nature of your rationship. Even worse if you met online and such. I personally am still dealing with block heads at my school and do have to tell people to stop and mind their own buisness sometimes.
I would just stay strong. If you really care for eachother, things should be okay. Remember, parents aren't always right. :P

[melarie]

My does this a lot too. She's not very accepting of it, and basically just criticizes me about it a lot and calls me stupid for trusting him and wasting my money to go see him. She still calls him "you friend." Not Shane, not my boyfriend, my friend. But I just shrug it off. I know that that my relationship is real and so does Shane, that's what matters. I don't care if my mom doesn't trust him or think that we're serious, it's not her relationship and she doesn't know him, or how we are together. I think you should keep the same attitude. She'll understand one day when you guys are finally together. Her problem might be that you guys are really pretty close and he's only seen you once in the last year. Like someone else said, that doesn't show a ton of commitment. I think you guys could manage it more often than once a year. Greyhound buses aren't that expensive and it doesn't take that long to get from PA to New Jersey. My brother's friend lived her in Ohio with her son while he husband was still living in New Jersey and I don't think it took him too long. Even if it's just for a weekend or something, it could help her accept that you guys do care about each other, plus it'd be great to see each other more.

[Sharon Q]

Some people dont see an LDR as a relationship because its not typical. You can't go on dates, you can't see each other every day and people that only see it from the out side may not see it as a relationship because of this.

If the two of you agree to be official and have a relationship that IT IS a relationship. Simple as that.

Id say just give your parents sometime. Im sure they will come around. They just now found out about you two dating, so let them adjust to what your relationship is like.

Maybe you can show them what its like, see if he is willing to web cam with your family together, maybe that will help them understand it more.

[Black_Halloween]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and I haven't told my parents yet (even though im going to soon). They're not really understanding when it comes to meeting people online. I have to brave myself for the worst.

[dukes2011]

A lot of people are quick to judge LDRs as not real just because you can't see each other all the time. I dated my boyfriend 3 years in college and we have been LD since May 2011 when we graduated. Even though we had dated for a long time, my own mother said we didn't truly know each other because we don't spend enough time together in person. She's come around, so I hope that gives you some encouragement.

As far as others saying your relationship is only a good friendship, all that matters is the two of you define it as a relationship. The whole "he could be seeing someone else" thing definitely gets annoying, but I just reiterate that I trust my boyfriend. I'd definitely recommend trying to travel via bus. Trains are more expensive, but that's another option too. Amtrak has a student discount where you pay $20 a year and get 15% off your fare if either one of you are still in school.

[Zephii]

The way I see it is, does it really matter what your parents call the relationship? Does that change anything between you? I think not, seeming you were together 9 months without your parents knowledge, never mind their labels. Don't worry at it.

[US2CAN]

It takes time for parents to fully understand what you're going through. My dad was cool with it as long as I was showing him that I'm responsible and that I'm finishing my school...my mom though is a different ball game and it took a while for her to realize that I was serious about my girlfriend. We've been together for 3 and a half years and still going. I saved up enough and my plan was to fly over to her first but it ended up the opposite. She surprised me by flying over to me first after we had talked and you just have to do EVERYTHING and come up with a plan and show them your serious about your relationship.