An update

[EnglishMan]

Hello all, long time no see.

The last thing people would've heard from me was telling them we had split. And we still are apart. The distance coupled in with her meeting somebody (who has since become a little close to her), essentially broke up the relationship. And there isn't a day where im remotely over it.

But we decided we can't deal without being in each other's lives, and despite periods of silence, we have continued as friends. And I enjoy that. We argued a lot, there were, there were times one or the other was close to calling it all off, but we seem to have rode out the storm and have been good as friends for a while now.

The killer? Well throughout the whole thing, she still tells me she loves me. Even during the worst of times, she told she still loves me, and this is breaking her heart. And not to make me feel better either, she tells me out of anywhere, even if its a response to me saying im watching paint dry (or something equally mundane lol). I want to know she loves me, because I dont love her any less than I did, but it promotes 'what if?' feelings which aren't wonderful to feel. And I know she is 100% truthful on this and not stringing me along. I know my girl, and I know everyday she feels the same broken-hearted loneliness and need for the other that I do. Even with somebody shes likes a little chasing her so closely, she loves me and puts effort into me.

To sum it up; I know if I was there, she would be with me. I know if we could spend a couple of weeks together, she would choose our future. And I am so sure she is my true love. Even when we've split. Even when I hate the things shes allowed to happen. Even when we don't talk for ages. Even when I didn't even want her in my life. The whole time my love and caring hasn't wavered, even though ive been taking 'moving on' measures. It hasn't caused me to be blind to what has happened, but my heart desires her. And you'll have to believe me on this (accounts from family and friends on her side as to how heartbroken she is), I know her heart feels the same for me. And I feel when two hearts are this connected and feel this total need for the other, then it's worth fighting for.

With the way it is, is it worth trying to fly over to see her as soon as? We plan on seeing each other next summer when im holidaying in Cali, but I feel she'd have moved too far down the path with this other guy by then. It seems she wants to take the lesser happiness with him (which could bloom into a better situation for her, im not self-righteous on this), over the heartache the distance causes for her with me. I just feel one shot like that could tip it right for us, because in reality she just wasn't cut out for the distance, but feels her true love is me. And I feel seeing me, and experiencing time together, would make that future she wants with me, more of a reality to her and make the distance more bearable because she knows what she's fighting for (if that makes sense... I just mean seeing and being with me would make her aware that if I am the future she wants, then there isn't anything stopping us). I dunno, is it better waiting and leaving her to develop something with him and take the mantra of 'what will be will be', or is now the time to strike before that can develop?

But anyways, just wanted to pop in and say hi and say how things are going :P. Know here is a wonderful community from the time I spent here, so didn't wanna completely say bye . Obviously had a lot going on in my life recently though haha. Hope all are well!

[elina]

I'm glad you didn't leave us It was good to hear from you.

In my opinion, if you really believe that she'd start to see sense about you two by going there, I'd say it's worth considering. But what if she rejects you or still thinks the distance is too much, when you go back to England? Won't it cause you much more heartache? If you're willing to take that risk, I'd say go for it. It sounds like what you have is worth fighting for. I just don't want you to get more hurt.

[Malaga]

Is she still seeing this other guy? Are they dating?

[ThePiedPiper]

I'm glad you didn't leave us It was good to hear from you.

In my opinion, if you really believe that she'd start to see sense about you two by going there, I'd say it's worth considering. But what if she rejects you or still thinks the distance is too much, when you go back to England? Won't it cause you much more heartache? If you're willing to take that risk, I'd say go for it. It sounds like what you have is worth fighting for. I just don't want you to get more hurt.

Is she still seeing this other guy? Are they dating?

I have to agree here.

The distance doesn't get easier once you've met. It gets about ten times harder because you don't see the hope for your future, but you have something tangible ripped away from you and realise how long you'd really have to do the distance to make it work. You don't know what you're missing when you haven't met. You do when you have. It's a big difference and I can only see this ending in further heartache for you.

[Verojoon]

I guess my SO could have written this exact post over the past summer... For us it was a needed separation that caused all sorts of heartaches for both of us.. some of these heartaches are not fully healed... I was with someone else when we were apart... It was the same as you said... I didn't love him like I love my SO... but I thought it had a chance to grow into something... I felt I needed to give it that chance since I couldn't see a future in my LDR...

Well when it didn't work out, I realized how much I had been forcing my feelings and how much I had really never stopped loving my SO... I still didn't go back to him... He couldn't just be second best, you know? I had to continue trying to find myself... and trying to live my life here without an impossible LDR...

It gave him time to think... and gave him time to realize what he really wanted... When I finally asked him if he would see me if I flew to him, we weren't planning on resuming our relationship... but we were able to talk it all out while I was there... I'm not saying every problem has been solved... but our time apart allowed us to build a solid foundation that we can now use to solve our problems...

I hope it works out like that for you too!

[marbear31]

I think everyone here has already given you wonderful advice, so I'll just add my two cents. I think you should go for it. Obviously, the only thing holding you both back is her hesitation. If I was in your situation, I would always be wondering in the back of my head what if I'd gone and seen her, what if I'd taken that last chance. Personally, I couldn't live with that unfulfilled potential, especially if you know that she's the love of your life. Your situation seems to be one of those you just have to play by ear--you know she loves you, you know you love her, so why not take this last chance before she feels she's too far in to this other guy? Strike while the iron's hot, and all that jazz.

That being said, I do think you have to prepare yourself for rejection. Like the others were saying about her rejecting you once you got back to England--there is that possibility. But isn't rejection a possibility in any relationship, at any stage? The acceptance of your situation, at some point, will have to come from a willing, internal place from her depths. She'll have to come to terms with your immediate reality at some stage. I'd say that you should take the chance, though (if you can afford it right now).

For both your sakes, I really hope love conquers all in this one!

[EnglishMan]

I'm glad you didn't leave us It was good to hear from you.

In my opinion, if you really believe that she'd start to see sense about you two by going there, I'd say it's worth considering. But what if she rejects you or still thinks the distance is too much, when you go back to England? Won't it cause you much more heartache? If you're willing to take that risk, I'd say go for it. It sounds like what you have is worth fighting for. I just don't want you to get more hurt.

Hello again, nice to see you too .

Well I know she wouldn't reject me as she still asks (or rather wishes) that it was easy to see one another, but there's of course the chance further down the line of her just saying it's too hard again. I was kinda banking on it showing her that it was more of a real thing than she knows, sure I wouldn't wanna leave for back here and she wouldn't want that either, but she'd know what she was waiting for and (hopefully at least lol) she'd know for sure it was worth it.

Is she still seeing this other guy? Are they dating?

No they're not dating, but they're not exactly just friends either. I know he's crazy about her, she 'just' likes him. Im not saying that couldn't flourish and it's pretty clear they will be dating eventually, but I know for sure it would be a no-contest if she saw this as a feasible choice, she would be with me. Not to sound big-headed :P, thats from what she tells me.

I have to agree here.

The distance doesn't get easier once you've met. It gets about ten times harder because you don't see the hope for your future, but you have something tangible ripped away from you and realise how long you'd really have to do the distance to make it work. You don't know what you're missing when you haven't met. You do when you have. It's a big difference and I can only see this ending in further heartache for you.

... but if this is more likely how it would be, then yeah maybe you're right as much as it pains me to say it ha. I wouldn't want further heartbreak for me OR her, because I know it rips her heart out as it is, and you'd figure it might be a bit worse if it all slides again after me just going to see her out of the blue to fight for things. Just you hear stories of how after meeting, it shows both people what they have and what they're struggling for. If it'd heighten the heartbreak, well im not sure I could deal with it, let alone her (not meant to sound patronising towards her lol, just Ive always been better at toughing it out).

I guess my SO could have written this exact post over the past summer... For us it was a needed separation that caused all sorts of heartaches for both of us.. some of these heartaches are not fully healed... I was with someone else when we were apart... It was the same as you said... I didn't love him like I love my SO... but I thought it had a chance to grow into something... I felt I needed to give it that chance since I couldn't see a future in my LDR...

Well when it didn't work out, I realized how much I had been forcing my feelings and how much I had really never stopped loving my SO... I still didn't go back to him... He couldn't just be second best, you know? I had to continue trying to find myself... and trying to live my life here without an impossible LDR...

It gave him time to think... and gave him time to realize what he really wanted... When I finally asked him if he would see me if I flew to him, we weren't planning on resuming our relationship... but we were able to talk it all out while I was there... I'm not saying every problem has been solved... but our time apart allowed us to build a solid foundation that we can now use to solve our problems...

I hope it works out like that for you too!

Hello again also .

That sounds almost EXACTLY how it is for me. Hmm maybe this is the better route. Im just a bit worried ill do nothing, they'll get together and it will work too well despite her feelings for me, and that say when I see her next summer (which is already happening), it'll be them and ill be just the guy she is very fond of by that stage. Would be a risk, but I figure in the long run if it worked out in that way; that even if she dated him and decided she loves me too much, that'd prove how strong we are together. I'd much rather this wasn't even a choice and that if she loved me to this extent, then like me she wouldn't be able to want to be with somebody else, but there ya go.

Hope all is well .

I think everyone here has already given you wonderful advice, so I'll just add my two cents. I think you should go for it. Obviously, the only thing holding you both back is her hesitation. If I was in your situation, I would always be wondering in the back of my head what if I'd gone and seen her, what if I'd taken that last chance. Personally, I couldn't live with that unfulfilled potential, especially if you know that she's the love of your life. Your situation seems to be one of those you just have to play by ear--you know she loves you, you know you love her, so why not take this last chance before she feels she's too far in to this other guy? Strike while the iron's hot, and all that jazz.

That being said, I do think you have to prepare yourself for rejection. Like the others were saying about her rejecting you once you got back to England--there is that possibility. But isn't rejection a possibility in any relationship, at any stage? The acceptance of your situation, at some point, will have to come from a willing, internal place from her depths. She'll have to come to terms with your immediate reality at some stage. I'd say that you should take the chance, though (if you can afford it right now).

For both your sakes, I really hope love conquers all in this one!

Yeah that is the thing kinda pushing me to do it, its not about just pulling whatever it takes to get her to be with me because if she didnt want me or I wasn't the best thing for her, then it hurts but you cant do anything but wish them well. But I know this is what she wants... if distance wasn't so heart-breaking for her. It seems easy to say because I know how hard it is, but we 'only' had to wait it out and I guess it's about showing her that despite how awful it is to be 5000 miles apart right now, it wont always be that way. Infact it'd only be that way for a small part of our lives when it's said and done. That said I know how much things were hurting her.

But yeah thats the thing, I dont wanna sit here next year and just be thinking 'what if'. I dont think the rejection would be be as bad as not knowing... it would hurt and break my heart all over again, but at least I gave it everything. Whereas now its 'we love each other to the point where we cant deal without each other, and if things were different we would be togehter', which isn't great to know lol.


Anyways, thanks guys some pretty great advice there. I cant do anything until January at the earliest anyways since iv'e got a lot going on and dont have a free week to do it. Shall have to have a think.

Hope everyone's doing good!

[ThePiedPiper]

All I will say is that most of us would attest to the fact that it does not get easier after you've met. Most people will say it gets harder. There are quite a few places around LFAD where it's been mentioned. Because you know what it's like to be in their arms, feel the softness of their lips, hold them close to you, etc. You don't simply have to imagine it anymore. It becomes real, and then all of a sudden it's ripped away from you until whenever the next visit is. All of a sudden you start feeling the absence so deep that you start thinking all sorts of things, and sometimes you end up thinking nothing. I'm good at distance because though I miss the physical contact, I very rarely crave it. I don't miss the physical companionship the way a lot of people do. However, I don't know anyone here who's ever said it gets easier or stays the same after meeting; it'd be an interesting poll, how many people say it does compared to how many people say it gets harder.

That said, I don't want to be the naysayer here, simply don't want to be instilling false hope. Following your story, I don't know how I feel about it, but I don't know if I feel good about it. That might be biasing my opinion a bit. Regardless, I would definitely think about it. I understand that people tend to go romantic-notion on the "what if"s but the fact of the matter is that most of them come down to a resounding heartbreak for one or both individuals. Yes, there's the possibility of rejection in every relationship, but you have to think real about it. Don't get caught up in the mindset of how romantic it is to fly across the ocean to try and win her over for one more chance, risking rejection in the face of love, or else you're going to be let down. You have to look at this realistically. You'd have to offer to see her sooner than the summer. If she took you up on it, you'd have to deal with the awkwardness of being in between while you visited. If the visit went well, you'd have to deal with the awkwardness and the hurt over discussing what happens now and if it changed her mind. You'd have to deal with the possibility that she might want you back until it gets too hard and then she'd end it again, because the current guy is there, physically there, and that may be what she wants. You can't knock her for it. Sometimes we feel like we ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I guess I'm not saying no/don't do it, but I'm saying be careful and don't make it romantic. Making it romantic will make you go in with expectations. Expectations are almost always, always wrong.

[Kiyama]

All I will say is that most of us would attest to the fact that it does not get easier after you've met. Most people will say it gets harder. There are quite a few places around LFAD where it's been mentioned. Because you know what it's like to be in their arms, feel the softness of their lips, hold them close to you, etc. You don't simply have to imagine it anymore. It becomes real, and then all of a sudden it's ripped away from you until whenever the next visit is. All of a sudden you start feeling the absence so deep that you start thinking all sorts of things, and sometimes you end up thinking nothing. I'm good at distance because though I miss the physical contact, I very rarely crave it. I don't miss the physical companionship the way a lot of people do. However, I don't know anyone here who's ever said it gets easier or stays the same after meeting; it'd be an interesting poll, how many people say it does compared to how many people say it gets harder.

That said, I don't want to be the naysayer here, simply don't want to be instilling false hope. Following your story, I don't know how I feel about it, but I don't know if I feel good about it. That might be biasing my opinion a bit. Regardless, I would definitely think about it. I understand that people tend to go romantic-notion on the "what if"s but the fact of the matter is that most of them come down to a resounding heartbreak for one or both individuals. Yes, there's the possibility of rejection in every relationship, but you have to think real about it. Don't get caught up in the mindset of how romantic it is to fly across the ocean to try and win her over for one more chance, risking rejection in the face of love, or else you're going to be let down. You have to look at this realistically. You'd have to offer to see her sooner than the summer. If she took you up on it, you'd have to deal with the awkwardness of being in between while you visited. If the visit went well, you'd have to deal with the awkwardness and the hurt over discussing what happens now and if it changed her mind. You'd have to deal with the possibility that she might want you back until it gets too hard and then she'd end it again, because the current guy is there, physically there, and that may be what she wants. You can't knock her for it. Sometimes we feel like we ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I guess I'm not saying no/don't do it, but I'm saying be careful and don't make it romantic. Making it romantic will make you go in with expectations. Expectations are almost always, always wrong.

I second that.
I would love to see happy again but I don't know if flying out there would change anything in the long term. Sadly, not everyone is cut out for a ldr and even though you might win her over, you could face the dime issues again in a few months from now :/

[Malaga]

That said, I don't want to be the naysayer here, simply don't want to be instilling false hope. Following your story, I don't know how I feel about it, but I don't know if I feel good about it.

I agree.

I'll be honest. During the course of your relationship, I thought she might find you a bit too full on at some point. You're obviously very romantic and very much into her, and it's flattering to be so worshipped, for a little while. Then it turns into obligation, because you need the same kind of dedication back. You're currently not officially together, meaning she doesn't have to commit to fulfilling your needs, but she still gets this unlimited adoration from you, and physical affection from this other guy. What makes you think she'd like to change that? She's probably genuinely confused and not doing it on purpose, but the fact is both of you guys here lose, while she gets the best of the situation.

This is something many of us had to learn, and I've been in both positions, both yours and hers.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck. Just please keep in mind what people here said and don't work yourself into a heartbreak.

xx

[EnglishMan]

All I will say is that most of us would attest to the fact that it does not get easier after you've met. Most people will say it gets harder. There are quite a few places around LFAD where it's been mentioned. Because you know what it's like to be in their arms, feel the softness of their lips, hold them close to you, etc. You don't simply have to imagine it anymore. It becomes real, and then all of a sudden it's ripped away from you until whenever the next visit is. All of a sudden you start feeling the absence so deep that you start thinking all sorts of things, and sometimes you end up thinking nothing. I'm good at distance because though I miss the physical contact, I very rarely crave it. I don't miss the physical companionship the way a lot of people do. However, I don't know anyone here who's ever said it gets easier or stays the same after meeting; it'd be an interesting poll, how many people say it does compared to how many people say it gets harder.

That said, I don't want to be the naysayer here, simply don't want to be instilling false hope. Following your story, I don't know how I feel about it, but I don't know if I feel good about it. That might be biasing my opinion a bit. Regardless, I would definitely think about it. I understand that people tend to go romantic-notion on the "what if"s but the fact of the matter is that most of them come down to a resounding heartbreak for one or both individuals. Yes, there's the possibility of rejection in every relationship, but you have to think real about it. Don't get caught up in the mindset of how romantic it is to fly across the ocean to try and win her over for one more chance, risking rejection in the face of love, or else you're going to be let down. You have to look at this realistically. You'd have to offer to see her sooner than the summer. If she took you up on it, you'd have to deal with the awkwardness of being in between while you visited. If the visit went well, you'd have to deal with the awkwardness and the hurt over discussing what happens now and if it changed her mind. You'd have to deal with the possibility that she might want you back until it gets too hard and then she'd end it again, because the current guy is there, physically there, and that may be what she wants. You can't knock her for it. Sometimes we feel like we ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I guess I'm not saying no/don't do it, but I'm saying be careful and don't make it romantic. Making it romantic will make you go in with expectations. Expectations are almost always, always wrong.

I second that.
I would love to see happy again but I don't know if flying out there would change anything in the long term. Sadly, not everyone is cut out for a ldr and even though you might win her over, you could face the dime issues again in a few months from now :/

I agree.

I'll be honest. During the course of your relationship, I thought she might find you a bit too full on at some point. You're obviously very romantic and very much into her, and it's flattering to be so worshipped, for a little while. Then it turns into obligation, because you need the same kind of dedication back. You're currently not officially together, meaning she doesn't have to commit to fulfilling your needs, but she still gets this unlimited adoration from you, and physical affection from this other guy. What makes you think she'd like to change that? She's probably genuinely confused and not doing it on purpose, but the fact is both of you guys here lose, while she gets the best of the situation.

This is something many of us had to learn, and I've been in both positions, both yours and hers.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck. Just please keep in mind what people here said and don't work yourself into a heartbreak.

xx

Yeah maybe you're right and it's time to give up.

I'll just clarify a little bit for you there Malaga. I do know im pretty full on, I dont really do things by halves :P, not when they mean this much to me. But I was never this full on, to her face. Thats why I came here in the first place lol, to try and work answers to deep questions and experiences I had. Maybe she still found me too full on, who knows, but yeah I figure ive asked some 'all or nothing' kinda questions in my time here, but I was never the 'clingy, always needing attention, living for her' type. Yeah I am crazily in love with her, kinda obvious haha, but I was always conscious to take things pretty slowly with her, because LDR's by nature are slow.

I also wouldn't call it unlimited adoration atm :P. We've argued a lot and while it didn't really get too ugly, she knows full well how I feel about things for the past 2 months. I dont feel any differently about her, but its not like im at her beck and call.

Also, its more of a physical thing for those two as he's seen her twice. But he's a plane ride away, so their interest isnt a physical thing. Maybe she plays more on the greater potential it'll turn into that since he's closer, but yeah it's not like they see each other often lol. It's distance, just nowhere near the same distance as I am. Far as im aware she loves me and just kinda likes him, but I figure that situation is better for a number of reasons, I dunno. It's not like she picked that over something with me, she would pick me. She says she wishes I was a choice and she could take it.


I think maybe you're right though, maybe time to go with the flow. If she cant handle the distance then what can I do really. Sure sucks when two people love each other pretty deeply but other stuff doesn't make it work. Maybe eventually, guess for now it isn't right for her.

Anyways, thanks guys, hope all is well with you