Breakup, but the visit is still on, what to do?

[beaton]

Well this blows.

We were only apart for a couple of months, but it has been enough for him to decide that he doesn't want an LDR. After 2 years of on and off distance, it's suddenly over.

The kicker? This weekend is when we see eachother. I already have off work/ tickets are booked, so, now, instead of it being a happy reunion it's going to be just...ruined. He said he meant to wait until we saw eachother to end it but it all sort of came out on the phone. I'm still going, at least for the closure/to see other friends.
He says it doesn't have to be different, he still wants to see me this weekend and spend time with me, but, I mean, you can't stomp all over your cake and eat it, too. It's going to be such a double edged sword of joy at seeing him and sadness because we're over so we can't curl up in bed together after all. I miss him so much.
I'm calling up friends to crash with them, trying to find someone else to pick me up from the airport, and at the same time part of me wants to just leave things the way we planned, and spend time with him even if it makes it hurt more, because my brain can't wrap itself around he fact that were broken up.
Part of me desperately wants him to clap eyes on me at the airport and realize he's made a huge mistake..but I know that's delusional. His reasoning is that the distance made him think more, about what he wants in life, and how he's in a 1/4 life crisis right now where he hates his job and is just generally unhappy, and doesn't want to feel responsible for me moving back to live with him in March, like we planned, in case I don't like it there. He wants to sort himself out and feels that he needs to be alone to do that. He feels like both of us are "throttling our lives" for the relationship.

it just sucks, to build up seeing someone for months and have them break up with you right before the reunion.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here, I just needed to get it out. Any advice on how to handle this weekend would be appreciated.

[Amelia]

I honestly cant imagine what your going through let alone how hard it will be seeing him knowing that the relationship is over. I know that when i stupidly ended my relationship i regretted it as soon as contact was gone, so maybe there is a chance once he gets his life sorted that you may be able to try a relationship again.

Goodluck for the weekend i hope it doesnt end up being completely miserable, and i hope you might possibly try to rekindle the relationship. I find that being with my bf makes me realise how important the ldr is and how it positively impacts me, maybe this may happen with you

[beaton]

Thanks for responding.

I'm trying not to be hopeful because he said he's been thinking about it for a while (so why did he let me book tickets???!!! wtf), but it's hard not to hope that somehow seeing each other will magically fix it.
The reality is that the distance turned the little cracks in our relationship into chasms, it brought to light issues that being together masked about our personalities, and 2 days together is probably not going to change his mind.
He doesn't like feeling obligated to text me every day. He doesn't like feeling like his actions have an effect on my day. Like, if I don't hear from him (even one text??) all day I worry, and that bugs him. Basically it seems like he just doesn't want to deal with what comes with being in an LDR, and I can't fault him for that. It just hurts, and knowing that were going to see eachother this weekend adds a new layer of confusion.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm not sure how you should play it either, but at least you know. Think how much harder it would've been to see him and believe it was ok only to break up and have to leave. This option gives you a chance for some dignity in the situation, because you can see him, but not under the illusion that everything is ok.

Obviously, I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but him saying that he doesn't want either of you to have to sacrifice too much for the relationship seems like a mature conclusion. If he's not in a place where he feels good, how can you expect him to be able to make you feel good?
My SO is also stuck in a dead en job, and he's always moaning about it. He can't wait to start his life. The difference is, he's planning to quit that job and come here.

The way I see it, your SO seems stuck in a rut. With you moving there, he has no real way of changing his life for himself. If you go there, there's no push for him to make a positive change. Without the relationship there, tying him to a certain chain of events, it's freeing him to make other decisions.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about you. Let him have the opportunity to make some better decisions and positive changes for himself. I'm not saying he'll definitely come running back, but the space and freedom may do him some good. My SO and I also had problems with him not wanting to feel like he has to check in with me every day. I backed off. Without me nagging him to do so, he actually realised he wants to talk to me everyday. Giving him the space to make his own decisions meant that he didn't feel obligated or pressured into a certain way of life.

I really hope it all works out for the best. By the sounds of things, there's nothing you're particularly doing wrong. So don't blame yourself for this. *big hugs*

[beaton]

Thanks, you make some good points.
He IS in a rut, he talks about how he feels so "old" (at 24?) and how he doesn't want to feel that way.
I want him to be happy, and I'm struggling to accept that that I have to let him go for him to have that.