Colliding egos?

[jleec24]

My SO and I both have very big egos. I think a lot of it is because of how we grew up and the environment that we grew up in. However I find that this has become a really big issue when we fight. It goes on for longer than it should because neither of us can bite back our egos and just apologize and just stop the fight. We also have some pretty major anger issues, her more than me really but when her anger issues go off she picks at me until I go off and then I start to pick at her and it's just a continuous back and forth and I am truly tired of it. Not only that but my SO says that giving up and biting back her ego breaks her. When I bite back my ego and be nice to her however, I find that she can overstep her boundaries and has a knack to easily take me for granted.

I'm at a loss, I want to work through this but I don't know what to do or what can help. Does anybody have any suggestions or advice for the little rut that I am in? Just a quick heads up, she is currently considering seeing a school psychologist and has yet to fill out her forms and give it in. Whereas I am in a situation where I can't really see a counselor or a psychologist.

[AABRCL05]

My SO and I are sort of the same way. We both have big egos, but instead of getting into heated arguments we agreeded early in our relationship to not fight but to talk it out and be as calm as possible. It is very hard to put your ego aside, but if you love each other and want things to work then sometimes you have to put your egos aside. Just keep working at it and it can only get better!

[sewbama]

So I'm not sure how useful my advice will be because both my SO and I are completely different than this. We'd rather assume we're wrong than fight most of the time. We're both very non-confrontational people, so our "fights" are very quiet and deliberate. Very much a discussion of the issue rather than personal attacks or anything. With that said, I'll try to help anyway.

I assume you've talked about this with her? That's a good, important first step. But, obviously, more needs to be done. You BOTH need to make a commitment about what you want here. If you want to end the fights, you need to make a promise to leave your ego at the door when a disagreement comes up. And then hold each other accountable. It might help to try to take a few minutes to gather your thoughts before you fight. If you start getting mad, breathe, count, meditate, pray, whatever. Get yourself out of the situation to clear your head. Sometimes that's all it takes and you'll see it isn't as big as you thought. If not, it'll give you a clearer picture of what the actual issue is and a more direct way of speaking about it that gets to the real point, rather than gets personal or stays shallow.

I think it's important that you talk to her about how she attacks you when you try to compromise. You want to be careful in these conversations, though. Try not to accuse her of being bad, and you probably shouldn't compare her reaction to yours (an I'm better than you attitude here could be really harmful). Just let her know that what she does hurts you. Try to point out things you both need to work on. Maybe there's something in the way you "bite back your ego and be nice" that is provoking her.

This is obviously something that can be a big deal for you guys, but I think it's lucky you both struggle with it. It'll help you work on it together. Talk about your coping mechanisms. Share your strategies for letting the little things go. It can bring you closer together, but you have to work for it.

[Ciana]

My SO and I are sort of the same way. We both have big egos, but instead of getting into heated arguments we agreeded early in our relationship to not fight but to talk it out and be as calm as possible. It is very hard to put your ego aside, but if you love each other and want things to work then sometimes you have to put your egos aside. Just keep working at it and it can only get better!

I agree. My SO and I are both pig headed stubborn and despise admitting we are wrong. However, I am a very VERY nonconfrontional person. I HATE fighting and will almost always have a way to defuse a situation before become a legit fight. My SO isnt too keep on fighting, either. But really what we do is just stay calm and talk it out. Half the time, when it is only opinions and not fact, I will agree to disagree and my SO is all fot it.

You will be two different people. It is just how things happen. The key thing is to not let stubboness get into the way of love. Besides, what does pride mean if you are miserable?
I suggest just agreeing to disagree on things. You keep your opinion and you SO will keep theirs.

[Tooki]

My GF and I are very very stubborn, and we often clash horns over insignficant things. We don't particularly enjoy conflict, but it can be tough for either of us to stand down from our point of view.

It can only be a good thing for her to see a doc about it. Perhaps your GF can share what her doc has recommended, and you could take it into consideration?

[jleec24]

Thank you everybody for your input and taking the time to help me out. My SO and I had a long talk and we are definitely going to work at it. It is really hard for us to just check in our ego but we agreed that it is not worth giving up our relationship so we are going to try. I definitely have to work on how I say certain things to her as well just so that it doesn't just drag on longer than necessary. I agreed that it's good that we both have this instead of just one of us, I think that would be horrible.

We have both agreed to take advice from her school psychologist, I even helped her fill out the form and she will attend the meetings and she can try record her sessions or she's going to take her anger management and advice back to me and we're going to try work toward that general idea together. Hopefully it works out, thanks again everybody!

[Ciana]

Good for you! c: I am so glad that you two know a good thing when it is right in front of you. Best of luck! Glad to help!