Way TOO sensitive SO :( help!

[Irina_Linn]

The story is,i feel like I am the man in our relationship and he is the girl.I need my personal space more than him and he is always sad and offended when i refuse to talk on skype for example.The worst thing is the following scenario: i refuse to talk on Skype asking to call back in few hours.He looks all sad but says OK and cuts the call.Minute after I go to Facebook and see him posting an extremely sad-cheesy-depressed status how noone loves him-you can trust noone-you are always alone etc.I understand its the distance making us go nuts at times but i am really tired of him acting like that! I dont even know how to tell him coz then he will react in same way but i want my man to be a man,and when he acts like that (always) i just dont feel like talking to him at all!

[sewbama]

First of all, the gender stereotyping is not helpful at best. "Man" means has a Y chromosome. It means nothing about any of these emotional or behavioral things.

Beyond that, yes, your SO is being immature. You need to address it in a non-threatening, non-judgemental way. His saying that no one loves him or he can't trust you or you leave him alone is hurtful in its own right. You did nothing (from what you said here) to make him believe that. You simply wanted to postpone talking to him until a better time for you. That means to him that you don't love him? That needs to be addressed. He was likely just seeking to hurt you because he felt hurt. That is in no way ok. If he has a problem or is upset by something you've done, he needs to take it up with you personally and discuss the real issue, not make broad statements to the public at large about how no one loves him.

All that said, you can't just attack him. As you said, it just makes him react the same way. So, discuss this problem from a different route. Use "I" statements. "I want us to communicate better when we have problems" (which means you, here, too!), etc. Not "You always act like such a whiny girl." Talk about this from the communication side of things. Talk about how you are trying to better communicate what you need (space, fewer/shorter skype calls, w/e it is) and you feel like he might be holding back some things. Tell him you WANT him to share how he is feeling if he is hurt. It will be hard, but probably a lot less obnoxious than the passive-aggressive facebook status. Ask him why he posted that. Ask him why he is being clingy (maybe he is lonely, bored, scared, etc). Don't attack him, try to get him to open up. The "acting like a girl" is really just him not coming out and saying what is bothering him. So try to focus on the real problem, not these symptoms.

Good luck.

[LittleBox]

Maybe he feels like you're blowing off even though you don't intend to. Try scheduling calls when you both know you'll be free to talk.

[ThePiedPiper]

Beyond that, yes, your SO is being immature. You need to address it in a non-threatening, non-judgemental way. His saying that no one loves him or he can't trust you or you leave him alone is hurtful in its own right. You did nothing (from what you said here) to make him believe that. You simply wanted to postpone talking to him until a better time for you. That means to him that you don't love him? That needs to be addressed. He was likely just seeking to hurt you because he felt hurt. That is in no way ok. If he has a problem or is upset by something you've done, he needs to take it up with you personally and discuss the real issue, not make broad statements to the public at large about how no one loves him.

This. +1 character.

[Irina_Linn]

firstly,thanks a lot for your advice,especially sewbama,that was realy useful tip for me.so we spoke and ended up fighting eventually coz he keeps relating to our old problems that happened like half year back...i don wanna write all of this story now coz its way too long,but i really give up on this.i have no clue how to make him stop remembering that but he seems to enjoy repeating the painful moments over and over again.he even remmebers things that happened 3-4 years back and refer to them as "it hurt me so bad in past now i am always scared".and there wasnt even anything really bad,it was just his first love which ended up not too good.i understand that but i mean...if one girl was a bitch to you,it doesnt mean you have to suspect me after we've been together for 2 years! and whenevr we fight or argue,there is always a subject of how badly he has been hurt and stuff like that.his negativity is just killing me and i've tried to cheer him up in all ways possible honestly

[ThePiedPiper]

It's possible it's not going to change. While depression has some effect, there are sometimes those people who have the tendency to cling to negative memories instead of positive ones. It's the way they're wired (and yes, they are wired differently than people who have the tendency to see only the positive). I would guess that this is something you're going to have to decide if you can live with, and I might even present him with the fact that if he continues to bring up every single thing that's hurt him in the past, you aren't going to have a relationship. I destroyed a relationship doing that with someone because it gave me the false illusion I was protected from it. :/

[leonsfangirl]

Can i approach this from a different angle?

Instead of wishing he wasnt so sensitive spend some quality time listening to why he is so sensitive. Not everybody can move on quickly from hurts, what you may not see as a big deal might have really hurt him. Doesnt seem like youve tried to understand his side of things and you came across as quite uncaring about the situation. No one enjoys painful memories, no one enjoys feeling down. You could try be more understanding and maybe make yourself more available for a short time till he feels more secure.

How much time do you spend online/phone/Skype?

[Lucky]

I think you have gotten really good advice here, there is only one thing that I personally disagree with, even if I think the rest of the post is also great advice:

First of all, the gender stereotyping is not helpful at best. "Man" means has a Y chromosome. It means nothing about any of these emotional or behavioral things.

I think your gender stereotype served it's purpose to describe the problem perfectly.

If you want to get technical, then let's blame hormones, we all have testosterone and estrogen, males are supposed to have more testosterone which makes them look and act and look more "manly" from growing a beard to being less sentimental in a clingy and corny kind of way. Your guy just might have low testosterone or a bit extra estrogen in him, this does not means he is sick, that he is gay or that there is anything wrong with him, but it certainly affects personality. A man with too much testosterone will most likely be a player and more aggressive for example.

Combine that with cultural differences and it gets trickier, since what for you might be perfectly normal, he might see as a big sign of rejection, so it's very important that you clear things out with him if you feel that might be the case, no matter how fluent both of you are in a language or both, even with couples of the same country with the same native language you have these problems if their upbringing was very different.

With all due respect, I have often seen this kind of behavior in very religious people and... I am not joking here... virgins, when there is no physical relationship or you are holding yourself back in a way, a lot of people try to make up for it trying harder for an emotional connection resulting in being clingy, it's up to you to decide if you want to put up with it but if he has always been like that odds are he won't change.

I also think you should address the fact that he should tell YOU these things instead of typing it on his facebook wall, it is passive-aggressive behavior to immediately try to make you feel guilty or make you look bad with his friends and relatives like you are being mean to him and he is the victim.

It is only normal you can't talk with him 24/7 and he should understand that.

[kteire]

I think you have gotten really good advice here, there is only one thing that I personally disagree with, even if I think the rest of the post is also great advice:

I think your gender stereotype served it's purpose to describe the problem perfectly.

Gender stereotypes are not good to use and don't "serve a purpose". They are, first of all, completely unfounded and reinforce ideas that men and women are meant to act and look a certain way.

I'm curious as to your sources for your claims about estrogen making men less 'manly'?? I can't understand where you are getting that from. Increases in estrogen cause men to develop breasts, have problems in bed, etc, not be a generally sensitive person. I don't mean to be argumentative, but I really don't like seeing someone trying to diagnose hormone imbalances over the internet with little background information.

--


That aside, OP I don't think it should fall on you to do everything to cheer him up. He is very sensitive and it sounds like he's being very unreasonable. You said you don't want to bring this up with him because he might react the same way, but things will never improve if he doesn't know exactly how you feel. He may react badly, and I would personally find myself questioning my relationship if my SO could not hear about things that aren't making me happy. You need to be able to communicate with him, delicately perhaps, that if he's upset it should be between the two of you, separate from an audience on facebook, and that he can't punish you for things that you've moved past (or that were in his past relationship).

[jleec24]

When I try to give a little bit of my insight on the forum posts I tend to think of every possible route as to the situation is what it is. So I am going to try approach a different angle to what everybody else has said before me. Perhaps he approaches the situation feeling unloved because you just all of a sudden refuse to call. It makes him wonder what is wrong with him, it makes him wonder why you don't want to talk to him. Remember that the strain of a long distance relationship has different effects on us, we are not all the same people and we cannot have all the same outcome. More than anything I think it's insecurity. If my SO were to tell me that she wanted to stop skyping and she'll call me back later, with no particular reason why she just wanted to leave and see me later, I don't quite know how I would feel about that.

The things we go through in life have a way of shaping us. I believe that because of his grim past relationships, he's grown a bit of an insecurity. If you do want to work through this with your SO I suggest action, words can only do so much. Find a way to compromise with him. You can try telling him at the beginning of the call that you only want to Skype for an hour or two then more so later, then give him a reason as to why. Don't just leave him hanging, just tell him straight away "Hey I can only Skype for an hour then I'll have to go for a little bit because there is this show on the telly that I really want to watch, afterward I'll call you back though." or whatever it is that you are going away to do. Find little ways to compromise with him, just ask him. Remember a relationship is all about compromise. You can't always get what you want and expect anything less from what he did but you can find an even balance between the both of you so that you are both satisfied.

[Irina_Linn]

guys,i love you,really.thanks alot and i'm really happy i am a member of this community and people can always support and advise me here.
soo...he told me yesterday he just needs to feel special and loved.so its a problem from my side and i am thinking about making a sketch or sth for him as such little things tend to cheer him up. ThePiedPipper you were right actually,i am a totally different person and his depression always upsets me greatly.but i love him and its been 15 months we are together so we made a compromise.see,he cries a lot.he can easily cry of happiness but mostly of sadness.Lucky as you said,differencies in upbringing.I always been a daddy's girl and he is an Afghan soldier so i never cried till i was 18 maybe coz he told me only sissies cry.So for me seeing a man crying is something as weird as seeing a UFO doing shopping.So i told my SO we make a compromise.we BOTH do not cry of no reason and we BOTH stay positive.I explained to him delicately why its a bit disturbing for me to see him in tears or sad (coz man is like an Iron Man in my perception!) and seemed he got it.i hope he will stick to his word tho but i will try thinking of something to cheer him up as well

[Sharon Q]

I think he may have depression and trust issues. It can be hard to trust when you've been hurt badly, and sometimes after you've been hurt badly it can take years to get over.
It may not be so much that he doesn't trust you after 2 years, but more so that he was hurt badly and now he has a fear of it happening again, he could be scared to get comfortable and have the " this will work out " mindset, because sometimes when we get too comfortable with a feeling, things back fire on us and that makes it worse.

He may have the " hope for the best; prepair for the worst " mind set.

I think setting up a time to talk with him would be good, base it off of how much you want to socialize with him and both of your schedules. I think that might help him feel better.

Also everyone; male or female has emotions and crying is a good way to let it out when needed, its okay to cry, would you rather him hold his emotions in and bottle it up and possibly have anger issues?

Maybe for the crying thing something you can do is get off of the phone/skype if he starts to cry and explain that you don't like seeing him cry. My SO cant stand to see or hear me cry; so we made sort of a deal that if I get too emotional then he can get off of the phone/skype because me being emotional puts him in a bad mood as well.

Some people just can't deal with emotional people and that's okay, its not a bad thing you guys just need to work something out so that if he gets emotional it wont upset you as much.

I think also that sending him things to cheer him up or sending him something randomly to let him know you care could help.

If I get really sad my SO would send me random videos to cheer me up, ya know just something to get my mind off of it.

Little things like that can go a long way.

[Chris516]

The story is,i feel like I am the man in our relationship and he is the girl.I need my personal space more than him and he is always sad and offended when i refuse to talk on skype for example.The worst thing is the following scenario: i refuse to talk on Skype asking to call back in few hours.He looks all sad but says OK and cuts the call.Minute after I go to Facebook and see him posting an extremely sad-cheesy-depressed status how noone loves him-you can trust noone-you are always alone etc.I understand its the distance making us go nuts at times but i am really tired of him acting like that! I dont even know how to tell him coz then he will react in same way but i want my man to be a man,and when he acts like that (always) i just dont feel like talking to him at all!

Instead of saying outright, that he is too sensitive. Maybe you need to be more sensitive towards his feelings. Maybe he does have a pattern of doing this. But have you ever bothered to find out what the root is, of why he is emotional.

Newsflash!!! Just because he is a man, doesn't meant he can't be emotional. Just because you are a woman, doesn't mean you have to be emotional.

Have heart-to-heart talk with him.

[Chris516]

guys,i love you,really.thanks alot and i'm really happy i am a member of this community and people can always support and advise me here.
soo...he told me yesterday he just needs to feel special and loved.so its a problem from my side and i am thinking about making a sketch or sth for him as such little things tend to cheer him up. ThePiedPipper you were right actually,i am a totally different person and his depression always upsets me greatly.but i love him and its been 15 months we are together so we made a compromise.see,he cries a lot.he can easily cry of happiness but mostly of sadness.Lucky as you said,differencies in upbringing.I always been a daddy's girl and he is an Afghan soldier so i never cried till i was 18 maybe coz he told me only sissies cry.So for me seeing a man crying is something as weird as seeing a UFO doing shopping.So i told my SO we make a compromise.we BOTH do not cry of no reason and we BOTH stay positive.I explained to him delicately why its a bit disturbing for me to see him in tears or sad (coz man is like an Iron Man in my perception!) and seemed he got it.i hope he will stick to his word tho but i will try thinking of something to cheer him up as well

Stop this stereotypical gibberish.

I am a 45yr.-old man. When I was at a medical conference in July, an 'online' friend I have known for ten years, had to suddenly go into the hospital. On one of the days of the conference, I just started balling like a baby. Thinking of my friend almost dying in a short time, of something, I have had all my life. Thankfully, The friend didn't die. But I couldn't keep myself from crying. Who cares if that wasn't 'manly'. There is no rule book saying who can be emotional and who can't.

[squeeker]

My SO and I are both sensitive and emotional people. My SO has had a really traumatic past/childhood, and it has affected him a lot in how he is today.

I don't know if your SO has a job or goes to school or anything, because in LDRs when the one person is more busy than the other, it can lead the less busy one to feel left out.. Basically when you want to or have been thinking about talking to your SO all day and then they can't talk as long as you would like, it can be hard. My SO actually doesn't cry that much.. he's told me how there's two types of people in the world (well there might be more, but this is just a scenario that describes us).. teapots who hold in emotions for longer and then when they fill all the way the reaction is bigger.. and some people are like teaspoons, it only takes a little bit to get them emotional, but then they get over it quickly. I'm like a teaspoon, my SO is like a teapot, in this way. He doesn't cry much, but when he cries, it's because something really upset him and is hurting him.

I think everyone here has given you some good advice. I just wanted to chip in and say how it's okay to be emotional, but if you can't handle seeing him like that, then it's okay to say go offline when he starts crying. (just let him know before hand.. and make sure he knows you do care about him.. but you just have trouble seeing emotionalness) Though I know when I cry or get emotional, I like having my SO there to comfort me.. though it's easier in person and way harder over the internet. I think if you make him something sweet to show him how much you love him and also try and let him know ahead of time of when you are definitely free to talk, and days when you might be free to talk, and days when you are definitely busy, and share the reasons behind them and how it doesn't mean you don't love and care for him. Whatever you do, good luck and stay strong!