I have attachement issues...

[Mims27]

My SO and have been really lucky/spoiled when it comes to "being together". What I mean is, we are pretty much in constant contact. Our friendship 4 years ago started off with just lots of chatting, almost constantly back then too. We just clicked. We still chat all day while I'm at work, then when I get home and we Skype before bed. Right now her college classes are all online, so we have more time. We can't seem to get sick of each other, which is not a bad thing but it's really affecting me and my attachment to her. And I really don't think that's a good thing.

I have more of a social life than she does, because she just moved to a new town and doesn't know anyone. So she's used to me going out and doing stuff. Although I don't go out all that much but I do more than her. But when she goes out, I get almost panicky. Anxious. I don't know why and it really drives me crazy. And her. I get so bored and restless and I pretty much make her feel bad for leaving, which makes me feel like a horrible gf. I hate that I'm like that. I want to change so badly.

She and I have been talking about it and been trying to find a solution or something to help me through this. I really don't want to be that needy partner cause that's so not me. I'm so independent. I've just been spoiled...too much of a good thing you know? Has anyone else felt like that? Or does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this stuff?

I love her more than I can even explain and she said she loves me too and that nothing will ever change that; she's with me forever but I need to put an end to this silliness before it messes things up...

I'm not used to asking people for advice, so this shows how much I want to change this.
Thanks in advance for listening.

[Malaga]

Do you worry that something might happen to her, or is it just general anxiety when she's not there to talk to you?

If it's the latter, then I can tell you it's been my problem for a while. I never used to be like that in previous relationships, but in this it's like I became a needy monster. It's not even the distance, it's just that I suddenly got insecure about my position in the relationship (without cause).

But there is a really insightful book I read that made sense of how I felt:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888-attached

I had to accept that yes, I'm indeed the anxious one in the relationship and while I hate being needy, there is no point in denying my feelings and anxieties. But I also gained insight to start understanding what fears lie behind the anxiety and how I could handle it, as well as protect my boyfriend from my anxious outbursts. Obviously your anxiety is triggered when she goes out and focuses her attention on something else/other people. You have a supportive SO which is great, and she's willing to work with you to identify those triggers and help you deal with your feelings.
It does get better with time

[digitalfever]

It all comes down to learning to live your own life and accepting that your SO is simply a part of your life and not your WHOLE life. I’m not minimizing your relationship but I think we all go through this – we need to learn to “be” without an SO, a friend, a family member it really doesn’t matter who but we learn to be ourselves without them. I’m not sure if this is linked to self esteem, self worth or what have you but I know this is a part of learning to be a person within a relationship rather than making the relationship and your partner your life line.
I’d say that your attachment is normal but you have to learn that having a life, friendships, going out and being separate is exactly what happens when your close distance. You wont always be around one another, you’ll have commitments that wont be interlinked, you’ll have friends that you wont necessarily be the same. The thing is allowing yourself the opportunity to have time without her, do things you enjoy and gaining a sense of self when she is away.

You can use strategies such as self talk and telling yourself that she is simply busy and will contact you when she is home etc... Or just distract yourself by doing something for yourself. It's also good to try and recognize when your being needy and to work through why you feel this way rather than bring it up all the time. If you can identify why you feel needy and can reason with yourself you may find that your anxieties are unrealistic.

I hope I helped!

I just know that this is normal!

[Mims27]

Man you guys are awesome!! It feels great to know that I'm not just going crazy and this is normal. Also, that I am not alone. Malaga, it's definetly the latter. I'm just so used to having her around to talk to that I get kinda anxious and stupid when she's not. Then I get angry at myself which makes it even worse! lol Finding my triggers is a good idea, rather then let it all build up I need to stop it before it starts. I will definetly look in to that book. Thank you so much!

digitalfever, you also said a few things that totally opened my eyes. I really have to realise that she is part of my life and not my whole life. And vice versa. She has a family and a life and she is also entitled to it. I really does boil down to the fact that we have just be really lucky/spoiled with being able to be "together" so much, but now it may be too much. Self talk is a wonderful idea. I tried that last night and it helped quite a bit. I wish someone could come by and snap me out if it sometimes because it my anxieties really unrealistic. And I really have to stop just laying around and being pathetic when she's busy because that really doesn't help. It just makes this worse!

You all are so helpful!

Maybe I need a hobby! lol

[Brieasaurus]

You're not alone! I like to call it "long distance separation anxiety" haha. The others have given you great advice. A hobby definitely helps. Whenever my SO goes out, I just think of it as "me time" and usually get all the things done that I wouldn't have done if he was around and we were skyping. Then I'm too busy feeling productive to worry about anything happening to him/him being gone. Or you could take that time to pamper yourself so you can surprise your SO when she gets home!

[Verojoon]

You're not alone! I like to call it "long distance separation anxiety" haha. The others have given you great advice. A hobby definitely helps. Whenever my SO goes out, I just think of it as "me time" and usually get all the things done that I wouldn't have done if he was around and we were skyping. Then I'm too busy feeling productive to worry about anything happening to him/him being gone. Or you could take that time to pamper yourself so you can surprise your SO when she gets home!

Yes! If I know in advance my SO will be going out I get myself psyched up for all the "me" things I will do or the catching up on housework or a project I'll work on... When I find it really difficult to deal with is when I don't know in advance.... which is almost always... because my SO never makes any plans in advance!!

[Mims27]

Yeah, same for me, I'm ok when it's in advance. We even have an online calendar which helps A LOT. It's the last minute stuff I find harder to deal with. But you all have given me great suggestions. And I will definitely give them a shot.

[Verojoon]

At worst you give me a shout and I'll come by with wine (or you come by if I have the kids) and we will just spend all evening just talking about our SOs!! lol

[Mims27]

I might actually take you up on that vero. lol Perhaps it would do both of us some good huh?

[Verojoon]

haha! I know it would do me good! I have few friends left in town, they keep moving away!! And I'm scared an evening of just talking about my long distance relationship might just drive them to move far away too!!

[radioandy]

Do you worry that something might happen to her, or is it just general anxiety when she's not there to talk to you?

If it's the latter, then I can tell you it's been my problem for a while. I never used to be like that in previous relationships, but in this it's like I became a needy monster. It's not even the distance, it's just that I suddenly got insecure about my position in the relationship (without cause).

But there is a really insightful book I read that made sense of how I felt:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888-attached

I had to accept that yes, I'm indeed the anxious one in the relationship and while I hate being needy, there is no point in denying my feelings and anxieties. But I also gained insight to start understanding what fears lie behind the anxiety and how I could handle it, as well as protect my boyfriend from my anxious outbursts. Obviously your anxiety is triggered when she goes out and focuses her attention on something else/other people. You have a supportive SO which is great, and she's willing to work with you to identify those triggers and help you deal with your feelings.
It does get better with time

I know this isn't "my" topic, but can I just say how timely and useful it has been to come across this post at this point? I'm having some very similar issues to Mims27.

My partner and I are both a little anxious, but I have the biggest attachment issues out of the two of us. I have general anxiety when she's not around to talk - I have a nervous worry that she's never coming back, particularly if I don't know where she is. But I also have specific feelings when she goes to new places.

She went out the other week, the day after Thanksgiving, to an arena near her house to see a well known popular rock band play a concert. I was so anxious about it, because neither of us usually goes out late at night. I was scared, because she was in an unfamiliar place I've never been to, with thousands of other people, in the dark, with piercingly loud music playing. My anxiety at that point almost drove us apart - I waited up all night for her because I couldn't sleep worrying about her, and it was at this point that I realised we'd have to work through these issues.

I feel like such a "needy monster," as you put it. It's not out of any kind of control-freakery that I want to know where she is, and who she's with, and when she's going to be back. I have no desire to control what she does and with whom, I'm not the jealous sort. It's just because she means so much to me, and I'm not sure I'd get over it if anything happened to her, particularly when I'm too far away to help her out if she's in danger or need. She's so special and precious to me, and I don't want to see anything bad happen to her. I feel so anxious when she's out, and I have irrational thoughts that she might not come back to me.

I've ordered the "Attached" book from an online retailer (I wonder why it's not available on Kindle, where I usually buy books) and we are going to work through the topics raised by it together, to try and help one another get over this.

Thank you so much for the book recommendation and other advice.