Really need some comfort

[HeartInTexas]

Hey, LFAD. I'm really stressed right now and I wanted to rant a bit and maybe get some support or advice? I literally have no one to talk to about this right now.

I am really jealous of my SO's friends. Every time he has a day off (which is only twice a week), he goes out with his friends. I can accept this, it's great to go see your friends. But what is bugging me lately is that he stays out so late. Last Saturday he was out until 3am his time hanging out and comforting a friend (for the millionth time mind you. She has literally been Skype calling and trying to hang out with him in person every day and night) who is also in an LDR. Last Saturday, he stayed out so late with her that he was late to work the next day.

Right now, my SO is out again with friends and comforting the same girl again. It was probably 11pm when he said, "I'm grabbing food and going home," then suddenly it's 2am there and he says he's "hanging out with friends last minute." Honestly I felt lied to, but I let it slide since I know he isn't a liar.

He has work at 9am tomorrow, so it is bad he is out right now at 3am. I basically just got a message from him saying he's going to be out even later tonight and probably won't even sleep (which is really bad, he has a 14hr shift on Sunday at work). He says that "it's something really intense tonight" so he has to stay up all night to be with her. But that his phone has 1 battery left and he has poor reception.

I'm just so jealous that when I was really missing my SO after I had to return home from visiting him, he continued on his with his usual schedule and did what he wanted whenever he felt like it. It didn't bother him a bit that we were apart. However, he sees this girl upset over her LDR and all of a sudden has to dedicate an entire night to her, even with 14hrs of work the next day.

He has never done anything like that for me. Or for anyone, for that matter. All of a sudden, this girl pops in and wants his attention all of the time, and she gets it, no problem. Keep in mind my SO is extremely stingy with his time and gives me maybe an hour per night on Skype maximum. That hour per night has also been hogged by this friend of his as well.

I am visiting my SO this Wednesday. We have been arguing the past couple weeks if he is right for me though, since he wants to be with his friends so much suddenly and is sacrificing a lot of time with me for them. I do not know if I want to go see him if this is how things are going to be. Is he going to leave me alone at his house while he goes out to comfort his friends every time they need him? Is she going to come crying to him all of the time while I visit and hog "our" time together? Is my SO going to take me out to see her and have me sit with them the entire night while he makes her feel better?

I don't know, LFAD. Would you still go? What do you think about the situation? I fear that maybe the girl's LDR ended tonight, so she is going to completely lean on my SO. I can picture them cuddling and holding each other so that she'll feel better. I'm scared she's going to take him from me...

[Kiyama]

That's a tough situation. I guess I'd be a bit jealous of all the attention this girl gets. Doesn't she have any other friends she can go to sometimes? I can kind of understand though that she feels close to your SO because they are in a similar situation so he can relate to her problems. I'm sure he does mind that you aren't there though. It's also great to see that he is there for his friends when they need him so you'll be able to rely on him if you go through a rough time. All that is positive.

Having said that, he should still make time for you of course. Personally I think one hour a night is plenty of time to spend with your partner. I wish I had that sometimes! And this girl won't have these problems forever, so it's probably just a short phase that he doesn't have as much time for you. I would probably wait and see how this situation develops.

And of course you should go visit him and I'm sure he'll dedicate his time to you
Maybe you can talk to him about your fears and see what he has to say?

[kiara_silver]

Hmm Im petty enough that this would bother me. Probably more so because a hour to me isn't that long and I would feel jealous he's spending more time with this other girl then me lol I know thats bad. The late hours alone with her would be a no for me too, I don't like my SO being so close to another woman, where it becomes to friendly for my taste. I get comfort but then when that person starts needing you, or then there becomes compliments that come off flirty, that hurts me a bit.
But I would go and see him, you guys can discuss your feelings in person, maybe meet her, then you can see who she is, that helps, getting to know his friends. And Kiyama has great advice. Sorry im no help.

[XxFranticLovexX]

I would be highly upset. It's not really an issue that he's helping out and comforting his friend, I do find an issue in spending all night 'comforting' her, being late for work because of this when she is only a friend, and cutting into the time that the two of you usually share to spend it with her instead. I've never known of a guy being that into helping a friend, especially every day, unless he had an interest in the person or had some other motive behind it. I would talk to him about it and tell him how it's making you feel. Yes, I realize that the feelings you're having toward this are jealousy but it seems warranted in this situation, imo. You deserve to spend time with your SO and you deserve to have your feelings recognized.

[ST25]

Situations like these can be tricky. I guess in my opinion, I would not jump to conclusions so quickly because one misunderstanding could get messy. Just because he's spending a lot more time with this girl on comforting her doesn't mean that he would be vulnerable enough to let her take him away or anything like that. They could just have a close friendship, it happens. Right now, just keep your mind off the friend and focus on the communication between the two of you, because that's what it's all about really. All you can do right now is to tell him your concerns - what's bothering you, how he's sleeping in late when he has to work, etc. - and ask if he could spend at least a few minutes talking with you without it being so late afterwards. If he obliges, cool. If he doesn't, then there can be more compromises.

...sorry, that's all I have at the moment. Hope that helps.

[MadMolly]

I would not be okay with my guy having that close of a friendship with anyone. It's nothing to do with jealousies or whatever, I just think staying up all night and being late for work to comfort a friend is silly. Unless they're in hospital or they've had a tragic death in their life, let them look after themselves past 9pm. Just my opinion.

[princessmeg1328]

I have to agree with MadMolly. It just seems ridiculous that he's out comforting a friend that late at night. Why doesn't she ever need comforting during the day? Unless it's to the point where she's going to hurt herself or someone else, he doesn't need to be at her apartment at 3am by himself. The fact that it's cutting into your time with him makes it even worse. To me, it seems like he's making her a higher priority than you. I understand that she's close, but you should still be his number one person. You need to talk to him about this and let him know how much it's hurting you. It's not right that he's making her more important than you.

Definitely go on the visit still. Sometimes talking face to face can help each of you understand where the other one is coming from better.

[rach92g]

When me and my SO were still close distance, we went through a similar situation. He was always going to "comfort" his friend that was having family issues. We already knew that he would be moving across the country, and of course I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could before his move, but he dedicated most of his time to her. Turns out he was cheating on me. I hate to say that to you because I know that's the very last thing that you want to happen, but that's what was happening when he was doing the exact same thing your SO is doing now. I'm not saying that he's cheating! All I'm saying is that you have every right to be upset and skeptical. I would still go visit him, but when ya'll are alone and you have some time to talk, confront him about it. It's easier to tell if he's telling you the truth when you're actually there. Tell him how it makes you feel when he is out late with her. Personally, I don't think it's okay for a guy to be hanging out with a girl that late no matter how close of friends they are. That's too risky.

I hope everything goes well with your visit and that things turn out to be okay!

[Malaga]

I don't even understand why she would need comforting so often. She has a long distance relationship, not cancer ffs. It's something that's supposed to make you happy, despite the obstacles. How does he comfort her, does he spend all night talking to her about her issues? I thought only girlfriends do that, and Nice Guys... In any case, this has a bad vibe to it.

I would definitely go visit him, it's the best way to get a feel of the situation by yourself.
Good luck xx

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you for your replies, everyone.
I finally got a call from him at 4am saying that he was with his other friend Emily because of his own mental break down (He wasn't with the girl I originally thought he was with). He absolutely does not understand why I get upset that he spends so much quality time with other girls. I feel for him having a mental break down (He has a lot going on, sister in hospital, 55+hr job, parents declaring bankruptcy, etc.) but I was still hurt he felt like he couldn't talk to me about anything. He said it was because it would only make me feel depressed because it was mainly about me. So, neither of us slept the entire night but have agreed to try and have a chat tomorrow night over Skype about our situation.

As a side note, the reason this usually happens at night is because that's typically when he has free time with his 55+hr job. However, it is extremely stressful for me to be worrying about what he's doing out at 4am without him sending me messages about what is going on. Last night I told him I was stressed and worried because he wasn't telling me why he was out so late. His replies we're just "It's not that," and "Stahp!" (aka. stop, in a more joking manner), and even "Calm the f*** down." Just, wow.

This morning I got to chat with him on the phone again. We're kind of like...borderline broken up, if that makes any sense? I have asked him to please help me feel more secure by possibly just shooting me a phone call when he's out late like that or something. It doesn't have to be long, just like, a couple minutes really. But he refused and said, "I can't do that every time I go out, I get distracted and can barely even concentrate on texting,"

He has been really short with me on and off today. I told him I didn't know what to do if he kept shooting down my ideas but then he avoided talking about another idea I had recently. So I asked, "Are you shooting this idea down?" and he got irritated with me and replied, "I am now. I need to live up to your expectations." It made me so irritated that he said that when all I did was ask him a question. I let him know that I did not understand why he was being short with me and I really just wanted to ask a mere question. He apologized, but that still gets to me a bit.

It's hit the busier hour at work, so I don't know when I'll get another text from him. However, I wonder what I should say to him tomorrow? I really want to somehow salvage things and go for that visit this Wednesday. However, I know when I go back home, we'll just go back to him going out with his friends all of the time, me being blown off, and then us arguing again. I really don't know if it is better to break things off now or to keep trying. I am scared he is just going to enter tomorrow's Skype chat apathetic and just say, "Nah I already do that for you," and "Nah that doesn't work I tried it," and so on.

I just don't know. I can see him falling apart and spiraling into depression before my very eyes and becoming more and more distant from me. I'm sad I can't help him and I feel like a huge cause of it. He has to constantly make the choice between Skype chatting with me, or going out with a bunch of friends and having fun. I think what I said really got to him when I said that if we broke up, I would not want to be 'just friends.' He does not understand why but I can see why it would be stressful. I just have never seen him so moody and it scares me.

[Verojoon]

To be honest, I don't see much hope for your relationship the way it stands now. If you want to salvage it, you should go there and give that one last try. Talk to him, hang out with him, see if you can meet these friends that he comforts instead of you (and who comforts him instead of going to you). If you want it to work out you need to see if you can get him to understand that the way he's acting toward you is not okay and you need to ask him (and be open and willing to actually listen to his answer) if there is anything that he feels you should be doing differently.

For example you could tell him that you need to be a priority in his life and ask him if there is anything that you are doing that is making it more difficult for him to do this for you. I'm not saying you're doing something wrong but if he's always short with you and he can't give you the time of day it seems there is something also not working for him about this relationship, and it is good to have an open dialog instead of just you telling him the problems you are having.

That being said, don't be too trusting or too understanding. I find it kind of odd that he would need to be up so late and spend so many hours comforting and being comforted by other women. That really doesn't sit well with me. Even if it is innocent, he is putting himself in a bad situation... You know when someone cheats on their partner and they say they don't know how it happened... it just kinda happened?? It's usually by putting themselves in a vulnerable situation like that... Not saying it would happen... but the relationship stress you guys are having on top of this close situation... the being vulnerable... the other stress... it does make for a recipe for disaster.

Finally, you have to figure out what you can or can't accept, and stick to it. For me, this type of behavior would be unacceptable... I know my BF wouldn't accept this sort of behavior from me either... As a matter of fact, I used to have a lot of close online male friend... Once my BF told me it made him uncomfortable (he never told me I could have these friendships) I started re-evaluating these friendships and trying to figure out what place they have in my life... A lot of them were very flirty towards me... And most I thought were not worth making him uncomfortable... I didn't really drop any friends... I just didn't make any effort to maintain those relationships until they kinda just dropped out of my life... I have a few male friends I talk to online still. These are guys that I have conversations with but not so much people I rely on emotionally. I have my bf or my sister for that...

What makes your SO your significant other? What makes your relationship different than your relationship with others? Is it just a sexual thing, or is your SO your partner in other ways? What do you consider the attribute that makes you his and makes him yours? What I'm trying to get to is that in the situation you are describing, I would actually feel like my boyfriend is being emotionally unfaithful to me, even if physically he's not messing around...

Anyways, just a little food for thought... I think you have some thinking and some decisions to make, but either way the road in front of you is not going to be easy. Breaking up is so difficult... but you can't continue with your relationship at status quo either... You have a lot of work you will both need to do if there is a chance to repair it.

*hug* Good luck!

[THINK2MUCH]

Well, I just think about it this way...
While he is busy out there comforting friends in distress...
Who is there to comfort you?
It doesn't seem fair to me.

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you, Verojoon.
I have a lot of doubts myself. I am worried if I go out there now, things will feel awkward between us and we won't really have a good time together. I'm just so crushed that things could end so close to our second meet up. I was going to be able to be there for his birthday, for Christmas, and he even wanted to bring me to meet his parents. I felt really special and excited for all these months while I waited for this day to come.

What if I go visit him, and yeah I have a great time, but then I go home and he just goes right back to spending time with his friends instead of me again? He keeps telling me how much they need him and they have so many problems that he needs to work out for them. He feels guilty for choosing to Skype chat with me at night most of the time instead of going out with them. I think he's trying to make it up to them due to his guilt, but then the more time he spends with them, the more guilt he feels about me.

It's really difficult when, even with such a packed work schedule, his plans end up very sporadic and last minute. I am a person who wants plans made hours or days in advance. I think there is no doubt I have an issue with jealousy, but I don't know how to make him understand my feelings about him being with girls all of the time. They're supposedly "friends" to him, but they feel like "competition" to me. These girls have known him since middle school and are physically with him. Granted, he chose me over them. But that could really change at any time. I have told him this already, but he absolutely does not understand it.

I'm definitely going to ask him what he wants to be done and what he would like from me. However, I have done this before in the past for prior arguments and I typically get the same answer of, "I don't know."

But, I wonder if maybe I'm just letting my insecurities get the best of me? At the same time, I do not see my SO trying to help me feel better about it. Personally, I always ask my SO if he is comfortable before I do something that could be considered sketchy, even though I know his answer will be, "Of course, go have fun!" Whereas on his end, he knows when something will make me uncomfortable then does it without asking me. Last Saturday he was like, "Man I was really nervous staying out cuz I was like, 'Aw my girlfriends going to be so mad at me!'" So it was like...Okay, you noted something would hurt me, then you did it any way because you wanted to stay out stupidly late on a work night because "your friends need you"?

I'm so confused. I wish he wouldn't be so stubborn. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety since he hasn't replied to my text in the past 4hrs. I know he'll be off work in another 2 hrs but the waiting is just eating me up so bad. I won't even get to have our actual talk until 11pm tomorrow. Ugh, waiting around trying to be patient really sucks. I'm really just venting but I think all of this is going to help out in my decision, so thank you to everyone who has been posting.

I'll see about updating my situation a bit later if something pops up.

[skye_michelle]

My boyfriend and I had a lot of problems with this.

I'm an extremely insecure person sometimes. We grew up together, and then he moved from the very small town where we grew up to Wichita, KS. Growing up, he wasn't allowed to do much, so once he was out on his own, he was staying out until 3 or 4 in the morning when he had college or work the next day. It reached a point he wasn't even calling me or texting me when he got off work, he was just going straight out with his friends. It got to the point I told him that I couldn't do it anymore, I was tired of worrying about him, and not getting any time to talk to him. He made one night a week where he would stay home for three or four hours, and then go out with his friends. They even came over and video chatted with us sometimes. I'm not sure you guys have tried anything of the sort, but it can really make a world of difference for the better. You can message me any time if you want, I'm always willing to do the best I can to help

[digitalfever]

Personally..., this sounds like he's dating these girls. I don't mean to alarm you but I've had tons of guy friends and girl friends and unless we were goin out to a club as a group or we went all out to dinner or something we meet saw each other randomly at 2am.

Maybe he is tellin the truth but this sounds like he hasn't had the balls to say that he likes hanging out with tear girls and would like to exit the relationship.