How Can You Date Someone You've Never Met?

[rach92g]

My SO and I dated for 3 years before he moved to California. There is no way that we would have made it through everything if we had just started dating before he moved, or if we started dating never having met in person. I was in love with him before he moved which is the only reason I agreed to a LDR. And it's still hard even though we dated for so long before he moved! So for those of you that had never met your SO before dating them, how do you do it? How do you enter into something that is so hard on you emotionally without ever meeting that person before? I commend you for it, because I know how hard it has been for us, and like I said, we dated for 3 years before he moved. I would just like to hear your side of things and if you think it's any harder than what my situation was.

[Black_Halloween]

There are plenty of reasons why people don't meet before they start dating and let me tell you, the number one thing is MONEY! Daniel and I are both poor and can't really afford the $400 plane ticket and are trying to save for the $218 bus ticket. We've been dating for two years. I love him and that's all that matters. When your heart knows, it knows.

In addition, I know you don't mean anything harmful but in the future i'd refrain from asking this question to people in LDRs. My mother always gives me the "why can't you meet somebody here" or "How do you date somebody you've never met?" speeches. Its stings.

Its not your situation and you don't need to try to understand it because you never will.

[sewbama]

Going from CD to LD is a lot different than starting an LDR. When you start LDR, you don't know it's going to be that big thing. A lot of people here had LDRs start "accidentally" with someone they met and talked to through a forum or game or something and it just grew and developed until it was love. And then, you know them. You're already at that point you are talking about where you know it's worth it. It already is.

I started an LDR accidentally once (not current). He had the wrong location on a profile, so it wasn't until we knew each other pretty well that we sorted out he was actually halfway across the country. And at that point, I liked talking to him so much I didn't care where he was. It was just so nice to talk to him. He made me smile, and laugh and get excited to see messages on my computer. We watched tv together. It was the same "getting to know you" process as irl is. Just, it's online. Once I got to know him, that's when I realized it would be hard to know him and not see him. When it started, he was just some guy I met. It isn't hard then. It just develops in a completely different way. When you realize you have those feelings is when you realize its going to be hard.

[Zephii]

Love online happens much the same as it does at the pub (or where ever people pick each other up these days ). Sometimes you are just best mates with someone... and then you realise you want moire.. you're compatible for more.. and then it's already too late, you're involved and you hate to follow it through til the end.

What I don't understand is people dating when they are not yet in love, especially online. But different strokes, you know?

[Malaga]

I actually think it's harder for couples who used to be CD before going LD. For those of us who started LD, it was just something we had to accept at the start, and we hadn't experienced any better with each other at that point. That's also why people say it gets harder after a visit, as now you know what you're giving up.

[Verojoon]

I don't think most relationships that start LD start like someone saying: Hey, you're cute, let's date! By the time you're in a relationship, you've usually gotten to know each other rather intensely... it's not the casual dating that is start of many CD relationship... and like someone mentioned earlier, it often happens quite accidentally... I couldn't tell you exactly my BF and I became a couple... at one point he started referring to me as his girlfriend and even though we had both shared our feelings each other a long time before then, I was still very surprised... I couldn't even tell you at which point I went from just thinking it was an online flirtation, to wanting to actually meet him. And I don't know when it went from wanting to meet him, to needing to meet him...

And I also think it is harder to start CD... when you start a relationship LD, you know exactly what you've signed up for... it's not as much of a shock on the system. Even if we keep saying it gets so much harder after the visit, it's still not the same.. we begin the visit with the expectation that we will go back home after... I think it would be much harder being in a relationship with the expectation that you would be CD, and have the rug pulled from under you...

[Bluejay Belle]

I actually think it's harder for couples who used to be CD before going LD. For those of us who started LD, it was just something we had to accept at the start, and we hadn't experienced any better with each other at that point. That's also why people say it gets harder after a visit, as now you know what you're giving up.

I agree with this completely. However, having been in a don't-know-you-LDR-from-the-start relationship before (which ended due to reasons aside from distance), I can say I would RATHER begin CD the next time around. It would eliminate some of the uncertainty or doubt that can crop up when you're not sure if/when you'll meet your always-LDR partner. And, I have LDR experience, so it would be a little easier for me, I think, than someone without it.

[rach92g]

In addition, I know you don't mean anything harmful but in the future i'd refrain from asking this question to people in LDRs. My mother always gives me the "why can't you meet somebody here" or "How do you date somebody you've never met?" speeches. Its stings.

Its not your situation and you don't need to try to understand it because you never will.

I was simply curious as to how the "getting to know you" process was different than it is for people that have met in person. I do understand that you can fall in like/love with someone you've met online or through a mutual friend but never actually met in person. I never realized how common it was for people to be in an exclusive relationship never having met in person until I joined this site, so I was just curious about it's different from a traditional relationship that blossomed after having met the person and spent a lot of time together. I definitely didn't mean anything hurtful by this question, and I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. Like I said, I commend anyone that is strong enough to enter in a relationship without having met the other person I think it's neat!

[Sora1101]

For me and my SO it was just instantaneous feelings for each other, I was in a very dark place when I met my SO and he turned my life around. When you talk to someone constantly for a certain period of time with no strings attached and you can let yourself be who you are down to your core it creates such an intense bond it's hard to let it go. We'd rather be together as an online couple than not be together at all and risk losing each other.

[rach92g]

And I also think it is harder to start CD... when you start a relationship LD, you know exactly what you've signed up for... it's not as much of a shock on the system. Even if we keep saying it gets so much harder after the visit, it's still not the same.. we begin the visit with the expectation that we will go back home after... I think it would be much harder being in a relationship with the expectation that you would be CD, and have the rug pulled from under you...

I love how you put this, because that's exactly how it was for me. It was "Oh, my dad's job is moving to San Diego, but I'm planning on staying local for college", then a few weeks later without a warning it was "They found a college for me to go to in Cali babe" and I was floored.

[kittyo9]

I don't think this is a very good attitude to approach it with, and your question comes off as a little rude to me, although I know that is not the intent. I think it's just the way you phrased it... to me, it sounds like you, like others, think of my relationship as some willfully self-inflicted injury. It's not an injury. You very much could have dated your SO if you had never met in person, you just can't imagine it because you've never done it.

I want to make clear that I'm not offended because I am sure you did not intend for anyone to be. :P

Most of us don't plan on meeting the way we do. It just happens, the same way you end up getting involved with someone CD. The chat rooms, forums, and games are our public spaces. Sometimes we meet through friends. Sometimes we happen to be listening in on a conversation. Sometimes we take a shot in the dark. You have to be open-minded for it to happen-- likewise, you have to be open to the possibility of a relationship. And, sometimes, even when we think we're not, we discover that we are because of what the role that person starts to play in our lives.

I've been in three LDRs, but I don't think of my relationships any differently than you think of yours. Now that you are LD, you understand that it is emotionally rigorous, but you also understand the reward that comes with talking to the person who makes you happiest. This is not absent in couples that start out LD. The decision to pursue a LDR, knowing the kind of emotional ride you will be in for, evolves from the openness to the possibility of a relationship and the idea that this person, to you, is worth your time.

[MadMolly]

As someone who's had two long distance (and strong feelings/commitment developed before meeting) relationships, as well as a couple CD ones, I think this is a pretty fair question to ask. It's not rude. Close-distance relationships start VERY differently from online-only ones, and a lot of people wouldn't have the same dynamic of getting to know eachother online as they do in person so it can be hard to understand. Personally, even though I am essentially IN a relationship now long-distance, I still can't bring myself to say I'm 'dating' someone because for me, it doesn't really feel like it until we're in person (hypocritical, I know, but it's just the way I feel about it). And that is how it is for many people. So, the question isn't rude to me - just curious!

[kittyo9]

Personally, even though I am essentially IN a relationship now long-distance, I still can't bring myself to say I'm 'dating' someone because for me, it doesn't really feel like it until we're in person (hypocritical, I know, but it's just the way I feel about it).

I think that's very interesting. I don't feel that way at all about my relationships!

[Ciana]

I think that's very interesting. I don't feel that way at all about my relationships!

Me neither! If anything, I always feel uncomfortable calling John my 'boy friend' because the term is so common amd can mean nothing in many circumstances. I tend to just call him 'my man' to people who would be confused if I refered to him as my SO because I am so sick of awnsering so many questions about our relationship. Lol
And the term 'my man' is always appropriate. He he.

[MadMolly]

I guess it's because I don't tell anyone about my personal life if I can help it, haha. My closest friends and my family know why I'm moving to Canada (80% for a guy I'm in love with, 20% because I just wanna live in Canada anyway) but if it ever comes up in conversation with anyone else that I'm moving there I just say it's an overseas expedition/experience. I know that my lover and I are very emotionally committed, and we're both the closest thing each other has to a boyfriend/girlfriend, so I don't really need to tell anyone else about him or what our relationship is. I am intensely private!

In person though, I totally totally used the boyfriend label like crazy to anyone who I possibly could - checkout operators, waitresses, random people I made friends with waiting for the bus! "My BOYFRIEND and I are going to the zoo today!!" Must have annoyed so many people haha. I'm silly.