Am I being too clingy

[kayla_622]

My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost a year now but only casually through a public chat. We started talking one on one privately back in September and met each other for the first time that weekend. We met up in a city that was in the middle somewhere just talked and hung out and I was comfortable with this because I had already known him for a long time before this.

Well, in October he asked me out and we had officially started dating. He just started working at a new job right before asking me out and its 12 hour days 6-7 days a week and he may only get one day off every two weeks. So, he only gets about 2-3 hours every night to do everything he needs to do in life.

I went to his city to see him for 5 days in the middle of November and it was amazing. Everything seemed different since we were official now and everything was perfect. Once I got back though things seemed to change. We seemed to communicate less and less and I personally wasn't taking this change very well. We use to talk all the time throughout the day by texting while we were both on our lunch breaks at work and then pm'ing each other for a few hours at night. One day about a week after I got back the trip he tells me that he is going to cut back on the texts while at work because when he does it makes him think of being with me and that it frustrates him. I was okay with this and agreed that it might be better to cut back a bit so that things don't get stale. But, we seemed to cut back talking in all areas.

Now it seems like he doesn't want to talk to me at all and would rather just casually talk to me in the chat room that we met in and then go straight to bed. I'm not sure if the job is catching up to him or if he's losing interest. We still talk most days while on our lunch breaks but its brief. Maybe exchanging 2 or 3 short texts and then when he gets home we don't pm each other at all anymore and we only talk privately for 10-30 minutes (it varies ever day) right before he goes to bed.

I had asked him about why we were talking less right when I noticed this pattern a couple weeks ago and he says he just finds it difficult to find things to talk about now since everything like his new job is settling into place and everything is become routine. To which I responded that I thought it was better to talk about something then nothing at all even if its just random chit chat. So, after this I started reading the news more and following politics more since that's what he really reads the most. Just so that we have stuff to talk about. But, the last few days even if I have things to talk about whether it be things in my daily life or news topics his replies just seem...forced. I feel like he's just talking to me because he knows that's what I want but he would rather be going to bed or something. Which I understand completely and have told him many times that I understand his job is rough on him and tiring.

We usually talk on the phone once a week for about 30 minutes on a specific day but, I feel like he doesn't really want to do that anymore either. Last week, I had asked him if we were going to talk the next day on the phone and he said something like "if you want to". So, in the back of my head I was left wondering if he only called me because I had asked and if I hadn't of would he have called at all? This week I attempted to kinda see if he would call without saying anything but something came up on his end and we didn't get to talk. So, I asked him if we were going to talk on the phone tomorrow and his response really kinda bothered me he said "eh. I have to go do something after work. but sure" Really made me think that he wasn't planning on it at all.

I just keep thinking that its his crazy work schedule that is causing him to act this way though. Before he really started to work this schedule he was perfect and then when they really started to push longer hours and longer weeks he seemed to just shut down communications.

So, am I being too clingy by getting upset or frustrated over us talking less and his responses to us talking on the phone? Or should I just be more understanding to his situation and hope that things will sort of work themselves out? I will get to be with him for 2 weeks over Christmas and New Years (12 days and counting till he's here) and I know for sure that that time will rekindle our relationship for that time and a bit after but, I'm just wondering how I should handle thing until then and prepare myself a bit for the time after.

Thank you for any help you can provide.

[Bex2804]

I have the same problem as you! Me and my SO are both talking exams at school and with everything else we do it gets hard to talk, what we did to sort it out was try to send each other one long email a day just to let the other one know how our day was, and eventually it did sort itself out, now we talk more. I think you should just sit back and bear it for the 12 days until you see him and when he is with you maybe sit down one day and discuss how you feel as sometimes guys can be a bit clueless when it comes to understanding emotions over messages. I think it will improve and you just have to hold on but it is completely reasonable or you to feel upset.. I hope you have a nice time together and sort this out xx

[squeeker]

Aww that's tough! I can imagine 12 hour work days would be very tiring. I think they must be wearing on him. Maybe there are other things in his life he feels he needs to catch up on. I think the idea of writing a long email to each other each day may be a good idea because it would enable you to keep in touch with each other, especially on nights when he might be too tired to really chat. It helps get things off your mind. Or another idea that's similar is starting an online private journal with each other, or you can have separate ones, and then you both can write in them whenever you want, and the other person can read it whenever they want, and it helps keep you connected even if you can't talk all the time. But I guess it wouldn't be too surprising if even that was too much for him on some days.. with 12 hour work day.. maybe you could ask him if there's anything he feels he's missing out on doing since starting the long work days.. try to help him relax might be a good thing. I think you should keep trying to be understanding, and I'm sure when you visit him things will be good.. it sounds like he's visiting you? Which is good so you'll know he won't have to worry about going into his work.. Try and be strong.. think of all the things you can do together when he's there. Even if he's not up for it, make a journal and you can maybe read it to him when he's there.

[kayla_622]

Thank you both for the advice. I have been telling myself that I just need to push through these next two weeks until I can see him again and then everything will be fine but, it is really hard. I'm constantly over thinking things that he does or says. I have recently been thinking in the back of my mind that he may be losing interest in me but, I know that is silly to think since just this past Friday he was talking to me about when and how we could meet up after Christmas break. I don't think someone who's losing interest in another person would bring up that topic first and suddenly start losing interest over the next two days. But that thought is there and I don't know why.

I try to just keep telling myself that he has a lot going on in his life right now and that is why our talks have become shorter and shorter. And honestly when I get a chance to talk to him on the phone I feel much better about everything for a couple of days but, his response about us talking on the phone today last night just makes me not want to talk to him today because I feel like he doesn't want to and again is just doing it because I asked if we could. I may just be looking too deeply into what he said though like I have been lately.

I will try to do the long email thing and see how that goes. I'm just afraid it might end up being one sided since he is usually just too tired to do anything nowadays. Thank you for your help again.

[eveningsky]

You should definitely talk to him about it even if you have to wait until you see him. Let him know how often you would like to talk (sounds like you would like to talk everyday, even if it's just for a few minutes.) You can ask him how often he would like to talk and listen to what he has to say. Try not to get upset when you're talking to him. Be calm and rational and hopefully you two could come to a compromise. Good luck!

[AABRCL05]

You def need to talk to him about it and probably talking to him about it face-to-face would be better then over the phone. My boyfriend works 10-12 hr days and I know that there are some days where he just doesnt feel like talking to me because he is stressed about work or he just doesn't want to talk. That took me a long time to adjust to. We then went through a phase where we talked maybe 1-2 times a week on the phone and that was it- no texting or anything. That was def hard for me to deal with, but I finally just had to tell him that I needed more time talking to him and ever since then things have been perfect. We get to talk everyday for an hr and text occasionally if he isn't busy at work.

So you just need to talk to him, if you don't it will keep bothering you and building up inside (that is not a good thing, trust me from experience)!

Good Luck

[kayla_622]

I definitely plan on talking to him about it and I agree that it would be better to talk about it in person rather than over the phone. Talking face to face is a lot easier for me than over the phone because I can actually see how someone is reacting to what I'm saying instead of just sitting on the phone with them when they could be preoccupied with something else while I am talking to them. He'll be here soon and for 2 weeks so I'll have plenty of time to sit down and talk to him. I wont have to jump him about it as soon as he gets here. I really think though that its just his job that is causing problems. It will be hard to get use to and it might be hard to deal with until he visits but I can do it for a bit longer and then after I have a talk with him hopefully everything will start to get better.

[AABRCL05]

I won't jump the topic as soon as he gets there either, just wait and you will know when the moment is right. It is always hard to deal with a change in communication with your SO, but just keep with it and I am sure everything will work out! After I talked to my SO, things took a couple of days to change and I think that is because it just took a couple days for it to really sink in. So if it doesnt change right away, give it a couple of days to kick in with him!

[US2CAN]

The change is a big step but the way you're feeling is completely normal. There ARE ways of making this work, like for example if you had an iphone it has the skype app so you two will be able to talk. Be straight forward and tell him that you want to talk more often so you can work something out.