Great relationship but will he ever settle down?

[chibij14]

My SO and I have a GREAT relationship especially now since I've started working on my self-esteem, hence not being such a spaz about not hearing from him when I THINK I should hear from him (embarrassed to admit). I'm seeing tremendous change in him and such grand love for me and my self-improvement. He lives in FL and I live in IL with my 2-year-old son who LOVES this guy, which is probably because we lived together for about 6 months before he recently went back home to train for the NFL...

My SO has told his dad (who told me in secret during my recent visit ) that my SO said, "Cade (my son) needs me." His family all love me so much and I know my SO loves us but isn't ready right now to settle down - Fine! I mean, we've only been dating and known each other for 7 months. Plus, his big thing is getting stable financially before settling down to cut the chance of divorce down. He is also a Capricorn which means he is driven more than most and will go after financial excellence and status, hence his reason he's 28 with a double degree but chasing his dream to be in the NFL.

He has mentioned this will probably be his last year of trying because he doesn't want to have to play anymore in these lower leagues, but who knows? He says he doesn't even like football anymore but does it because he wants to make money and he knows he has the ability to make it. He could end up making the NFL this year and then perhaps he'd be more interested in discussing a future with my son and me.

If he doesn't is more my fear than anything! When we talked last night, he said that he might go into acting. He wasn't saying "If my football doesn't work out..." because he NEVER talks about it in terms of failure but he was saying it as if when he's done with football. Like he plans on moving from one unstable choice to another.

I'm thinking, okay... You live at home with your mom and dad and your MAIN reason for wanting to be int he NFL is to take care of your family (mom, dad, sister, grandma, and family he starts). But if each year you keep reaching closer and closer to 30 and you still have no real job (arena football does NOT pay crap once you factor in what the player pays just for a plane ticket) how are you helping your family??? Hell, I've even NICELY asked him this several months ago around the time I first met him.

His dad and I had a private conversation while I was down there because his wife and he want to meet my son so badly, bought him lots of stuff while I was there, and hope for me to be part of the family and for us to start our own family. I told his dad that although I'd love that I know my SO's not ready because he is very focused on football, as he should, but I just don't see it happening soon. His dad said my SO will get tired of the rat race soon and see family is more important since my SO's dad is the guy who gave up a great paying job to be a US Marshall to be home with his family instead... I don't know though. Like I said, it scared me a little last night that I thought I'd be dealing with a guy chasing his football dream for maybe 2 years... but now with this in his head to want to be an actor it's like, will he ever settle down? Does he realize that actors don't make ANYTHING in the beginning or sometimes NEVER?

One other thing I wanted to mention is that even though I'm a single mom who doesn't have much, I managed to always find a way to cook him steak EVERY night he lived with me to bulk him up for football. That was a great plan because my feeding habits got him to put on 20 extra pounds he's never had in his LIFE, which he is very grateful for! I'm a huge caretaker (Pisces) and always have been. Anyway, last night he said that his eating habits aren't the same now that he's home because he doesn't have a steady job so his spendable money is just whatever he has in his savings account (starting to go down a lot), and the only food is when his mom makes it. Again, the food still isn't like having steak every night. Plus, he told me for the first time last night after us being apart for the first week of our LDR that he misses me and Cade...

Does anyone believe that with these little bits of insight, the fact that he NEVER thought he'd be in a serious relationship let alone a long distance one, or to fall in love with a single mom and her son do you believe these things will start to become more important to him to want to settle down? I mean, this guy told me day 1 he wasn't going to be in a serious relationship until he reached his goal, but he met me and we fell in love... now we're here to what to HIM was the unthinkable. Does anyone believe that the constant hurt to his body, the fact he doesn't really love football anyway, paying hundreds in airfare just to try and get seen by a scout, not having the same closeness with us will all start to make more sense to him that he should be smart at least by age 30 and get a real job???

Sorry... Thank you to everyone in advance for just reading this novel.

[digitalfever]

In my opinion he sounds likes a dreamer that won't settle down anytime soon.

He wants to go into football and if that doesn't work then he wants to go over to acting. This points to the fact that he isn't realistic in his earning potential - yes he could make the NFL but he also couldn't and if he doesn't then he's going into a completely different field that has one of the most unstable incomes there is.

A man that is ready to settle down has a plan: stable income, stable life, stable environment.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Firstly, what are the two degrees that he has and why isn't he pursuing anything with them?

Now, he does seem like he's the 'dreamer' type, like mentioned above, but those people can eventually come into reality and settle into an actual life and career. I think you need to talk with him about everything and see where he stands with it. You can speculate all you want but you'll never know what he thinks for sure until he tells you. There is a chance that once he hits 30 he'll realize that it's silly to chase after these things while having nothing for himself, or he could continue pursuing these things. You really can't tell.
Personally, I would discuss future plans with him (his and your own) and just find out where he sees himself in 5-10 years. I've always been the person who has big dreams and nothing to show for it, but now that I have a reason to actually try for something, other than my far fetched dreams, I am actually making some progress in life, even if it is small at the moment.

Also, I realize this is a bit off topic, but eating steak for dinner every day isn't really good for him anyway. Yes, it will make him bulk up, but it is also rather fatty and can contribute to clogged arteries and heart disease. Red meats are also speculated/known to contribute to Gout and possibly a few other health issues (I can't really remember them off the top of my head) in men. He can bulk up from white meats and some veggies as well, and they are better for him in the long run, considering the main thing that most athletes need is protein.

[Verojoon]

No. He's not ready... but it doesn't mean a switch won't just flip from one day to the next... that being said, there is no telling when or if that will happen... so you have to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait...

I'm a dreamer and I pursue my dreams... My SO is also a dreamer, but his dreams stay in his head... or that is how it was for him until I started pushing him to pursue his dream... There was a time just being with me was a dream he wasn't willing to pursue... He would get upset when I talked about the practicalities of trying to close the distance... For me dreams are meant to be lived!

So, in that department, you have one up... Your SO actually pursues his dreams! Right now these dreams are career oriented, and some people need to follow these dreams before they are ready to settle down to a lifestyle that may not have been everything they wanted... others may never let go of their dreams... But if his dream shifts (and from your story and the progress he has made in how he views your relationship, it sounds like this is a definite possibility) he will put the work into being with you and making it work...

The question is always how long are you waiting to wait.

Last spring, I decided I wasn't willing to wait anymore. I left him.

We found our way back to each other and he is willing to focus more on getting us together... but we have a deadline. We have three years to have a definite plan to close the distance. I told him I can't guarantee I will stay with him for 3 years, but I will guarantee that I will not leave him because of the distance for the next 3 years... This works for us. It takes away the pressure from him of not knowing my expectation and I feel like I am not wasting my whole life waiting for him to decide if he wants to be with me.

(3 years must seem very long for some, but they are immigration circumstances as well as care-taking circumstances that makes it the earliest we would be able to close the distance without sacrificing too much...)

[chibij14]

OMG! I feel so terrible now about the steak issue. I will make sure I watch out for that and be sure to not feed him that much red meat, maybe more fish since that is also a great source of protein. Thank you!

As I'm reading these things, I think it is only fair to ask him about how he views our future but honestly I don't plan on doing it until we've reached our 1 year of knowing each other. That is only about 5 months away on May 3, 2013 and by that date he will know whether or not he's made the NFL. Typically that happens anywhere between late April early May, so then I'll have a better handle on his football status AND how he's feeling once we have a full year under our belts (about half of that living together and the other half in a LDR).

If that isn't the perfect time with the perfect combination of getting through two major hardships, then I don't when it would be.

[Riyko]

Honestly to me it sounds like he's indecisive with what he wants to do. He has 2 degree's he could use and work in one of those fields, but he's choosing not to, he's hoping this NFL thing would work out and if it doesn't he'll go into acting, but what is his plan C in a sense if the NFL and acting things don't work out? It also seems a bit like he's procrastinating on getting a stable job and like he still wants to be a young guy who has all the time in the world to settle down into a career.

Then another thing is even if say he gets into the NFL there is no guarantee he'll be signed or if he's signed the team will keep him. If a team chooses to sign him, there is no guarantee he'll be making the big bucks or will even be well known/played at all.

I think you need to have a nice long talk with him about everything.

[chibij14]

Yes, totally agreed! I think about this all the time and the possibility of "what if he doesn't make it?". I never tell him though because I know that doubt will only make him doubt my level of support, even if I'm just being practical and realistic. He did just have two shoulder surgeries a month apart from each other (July & August 2012) and finished rehabing them in Septmeber 2012, so we'll see if he can even withstand the hits when he goes to play in February (2/9/2013 is the first day of training).

He is choosing to play for another IFL team while he waits for March's Pro Day & Combine to get here because his agent said he'll probably need more recent film to prove his shoulders won't be an issue... All of this may be very clear in about 2 months when he has his first practice or game hit.

If he withstands it, then the bigger question will then be if he doesn't get picked up in April/May... what happens next? Onto the next "big dream" with no stability or something related to his degrees: Sociology & Media Arts.