Mistakes and confrontation. How to deal with it?

[Travey]

Hey Guys,

So, I've always been really bad at dealing with confrontation. Not that I avoid it, that I want to work through it right away and move forward. My SO is a bit different in that regard. She prefers to have time to herself to be mad and then when she's ready she will talk. But, for some reason, even though I know this I keep pressing the issue to try and resolve the problem. This is where it gets a bit tricky with me. I suffer from depression, I am seeing a counselor but I can't see him right now because he's full up on his schedule. Back to the topic, I made a mistake and said something that may not have been right, I told my SO that I still love my ex in a way. My SO got pretty irritated with me, she posed the question if I was over my ex or not. Now, my ex was in my life for almost 7 years. I do not want to be with her, I want to be with my SO more than anything. Thankfully, I have an awesome dad who spoke to me for hours and hours. He asked me a lot of questions about my ex and my SO. Namely, do I trust my ex with my feelings? If I loved my ex wouldn't I be with her? Why do I still love my ex if I left her? These questions all made sense and after a few hours of talking, I know that I do care for my ex. But, I don't think I can love her any more. I did leave my ex because she wasn't what I wanted in a person. My SO is an amazing woman and I want to be with her and only her.

So, you know, my SO gets mad and I try to explain that I don't care for my ex the way I do her. But, it didn't seem to make a difference. I kept trying to explain my situation, through texting (which I feel was a mistake). I kept pushing trying to resolve the problem and apologize but finally, my SO said she needed time to be mad. I said okay I hope we can skype or talk on the phone later but we didn't. We didn't really talk yesterday evening, she didn't say goodnight to me or anything. This is where my depression kicked in, which can happen pretty suddenly. I struggled last night to remain positive because I know I hurt her. I wanted to explain to her everything my dad and I talked about. But, she didn't want to talk. I don't know why I keep pushing the issue and doing this to myself. We still haven't spoken today, though she did say good morning to me in a text. I dunno, I'm still learning and I hate that I screwed up so bad. I guess I just needed a place to talk and get feedback on ways that I can cope with trying to leave the issue alone and give her space. All said, I feel really stupid for what I have done.

Thanks for listening everyone.

[bethyylovee]

In the event that Stephen and I broke up (not going to happen, he's stuck with me ) and I fell in love with someone else, even if I didn't love Stephen anymore, I would still care for him. He's been my partner for the past few years and that can't be erased. I think your SO needs to understand that. When you create an emotional bond with someone, it stays for a while, and even being in a new relationship isn't just going to make it disappear. It's nothing you should feel "stupid" or ashamed of. It's an involuntary human emotion.

[Travey]

In the event that Stephen and I broke up (not going to happen, he's stuck with me ) and I fell in love with someone else, even if I didn't love Stephen anymore, I would still care for him. He's been my partner for the past few years and that can't be erased. I think your SO needs to understand that. When you create an emotional bond with someone, it stays for a while, and even being in a new relationship isn't just going to make it disappear. It's nothing you should feel "stupid" or ashamed of. It's an involuntary human emotion.

I understand what you're saying. I think I worded it wrong when I said I still love my ex. I care for her, but no, I no longer love her. I guess I feel stupid b/c I let it get out of hand and didn't give her space when I should have. We haven't been together very long (4 months) and I'm still learning her ways. I'm sure her and I will come out of this stronger than before.

[Brieasaurus]

I agree with bethyylovee, I don't think you can ever break up with someone (even if they're just a friend) and still not have some type of feeling towards them. There's nothing to be ashamed about and you can explain that to your SO. I was in your position when my SO and I were in the first few months of dating. Whenever we fought, my SO would rather fume by himself and go for a drive/be alone for the night where I wanted to talk it out and drag it on. It's hard (especially when you're in the moment and then a few hours afterwards when it sinks in).

I don't have much advice other than to try talking things out and not letting it get to the point where she feels super overwhelmed and needs time to be angry. It also helps to be like "okay, how about we stop for about an hour and then come back and talk it out" so that way it satisfies both of you, gives her time to fume and you time to think things out but not get triggered into thinking bad thoughts. As you go on in your relationship though, you grow to know what triggers your SO and how to best handle things. No worries.

[Travey]

I agree with bethyylovee, I don't think you can ever break up with someone (even if they're just a friend) and still not have some type of feeling towards them. There's nothing to be ashamed about and you can explain that to your SO. I was in your position when my SO and I were in the first few months of dating. Whenever we fought, my SO would rather fume by himself and go for a drive/be alone for the night where I wanted to talk it out and drag it on. It's hard (especially when you're in the moment and then a few hours afterwards when it sinks in).

I don't have much advice other than to try talking things out and not letting it get to the point where she feels super overwhelmed and needs time to be angry. It also helps to be like "okay, how about we stop for about an hour and then come back and talk it out" so that way it satisfies both of you, gives her time to fume and you time to think things out but not get triggered into thinking bad thoughts. As you go on in your relationship though, you grow to know what triggers your SO and how to best handle things. No worries.

Yea, I mean I care for my ex. I'm not ashamed, i'm just.....I just miss my SO so much and I hate that I made her either feel 2nd rate or angry with me. I'll try the "lets take 1 hour and then come back to it". I'm editing this because I really want to thank you for this advice. I don't want to say "next time this happens I'll use it" because honestly, we've only ever had 2 small arguments. But, I like the idea of her getting the space she needs and me not thinking bad thoughts. I really, REALLY appreciate you sharing this with me. Thank you, very much.