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**MadMolly** · December 13, 2012, 09:12 PM

Look, stop blaming yourself and calling yourself boring. 45 min-2 hours a day is a LOT of talking. It sounds like he had a good idea with the less-talking thing, it's a solution - don't take it as a personal insult because it's NOT. It makes sense that talking less will give you more *quality* conversations and more to talk about. And if he wants to spend time with his friends, then you're just going to have to accept that. Let him have his friend time. Do something yourself with your own time. Don't depend on his conversations so much - he's a young guy living with mates, let him do what blokes do. If it gets to the point where you never talk at all because he's busy with his mates all the time, maybe it'll show that this relationship is just something he's not ready for. But maybe it'll help him let off steam and put him into a good mood so when you guys talk, it's happy and drama-free.

Think about it.

**ThePiedPiper** · December 13, 2012, 09:27 PM

I am just in so much pain. I feel so hurt and so....worthless because of how he is treating me. I must be incredibly boring, and incredibly not lovable for him to over and over choose everything else over me

You're not. In a sense, I agree with MadMolly. He's moved in with his friends now so he's probably going to spend his time a lot differently than he did when he was sitting cooped up in his room at home; naturally, that's how it happens and he only moved in with them recently, didn't he? It could be has hasn't settled into the "bachelor" type lifestyle, living alone with the guys out from under the thumb of his controlling and very manipulative father. Naturally he's going to rebel against that, especially when he had a hard time already having the balls to stand up to his friends in the first place. It's possible it will die down, and it's possible it won't, because if he's as spineless living with them as he has been in the past, it's possible that while living with them, he will always put them before you, not by any fault of you, but through HBB. That said, the time spent talking is completely dependent upon the relationship. For some people, 1-2 hours a day is a lot. For my ex and I? It never was. For my ex and I, a couple of hours was some people's equivelant of half an hour (on most days). 1-2 hours is something that would have grated on my nerves too, in that relationship, simply because it was not typical of our relationship. With other people, 1-2 hours has been a lot for me, so I think it's dependent on who you're talking to and on the nature and character of that relationship, so I sympathise with you there, though maybe things have changed for HBB.

That said, he is continuing to exhibit emotional immaturity. He is doing what my ex did. He is getting anger and redirecting it at you. This is normal if it happens occasionally. This is not fine if it happens all the time, which is what seems to be happening. If he is literally screaming, this holds true even moreso. It is abusive behaviour and like my ex, I would say it's abusive more out of immaturity than out of malintent, but in the end, it does not change what it is and it certainly is not okay. And if he hasn't blown off steam with his friends, who he's living with, in the remaining 22 hours he hasn't been talking with you, then my guess he isn't going to no matter how much time you or they demand; my guess would be you're the easiest thing to blow steam off on/at because you won't leave and he's well aware of it. He doesn't need balls with you because you're the safest possible person he could be with/around. I know that sounds harsh, but it's probably the case. Whether he loves you or doesn't, he's taken you and your needs for granted because no matter what he does, you'll deal with it because as you said here, you're too afraid to leave. :/ HBB has never been the type of person to change for you out of good will, no matter how much he puts on the guise of trying, and I think half the reason he tries for others but not for you is because you're the only one who lets his bullshit cross the line into what's acceptable. You tolerate everything from him and so there's no reason for him to change. He is immature, Jezah, and he will respond like a child at most given moments. HBB comes off as someone with the emotional regulation of a 12-year-old boy and who copes with situations just as young. That is who HBB is, or at least how he has always, always come across.

In the end, it is not you. It is the way he is treating you that is wrong and unacceptable, and it is not your fault. No one deserves constant redirected anger no matter how much anyone tries to glorify or justify it. Additionally, you deserve time and to be a priority and I have never seen "talking less" as being a better solution than any "break" because I don't see how it fixes the problem in a relationship where there's usually a dynamic of talking for hours on end. However, where you're falling short is a place I think you've already recognised: you won't leave him; you're too scared to. That right there gives him absolutely no reason to kick his ass into gear. He does not respect you (and I'm inclined to say most people, because he doesn't respect himself) and that is why he won't take the initiative to change without someone/something lighting a fire under his ass, and he has long since realised that you and leaving him is not going to be that fire. He has discovered he can walk all over you without you protesting and so is doing so because there's no real consequence. I am not saying he is doing that consciously, but it does seem to be what he's doing. It is not you, Jez. I wish you could realise that, because it's not you and there's nothing you can do to fix other people, including HBB, when they don't want to fix themselves.

**squeeker** · December 13, 2012, 11:29 PM

Aww I don't like what he's doing to you. I think ThePiedPiper is right about that he is redirecting his anger at you because he knows you aren't going to leave him. He's probably gotten complacent in the relationship.. and since he's around his friends all the time now, they seem to influence his decisions quite a bit and he feels compelled to be there with them. I'm glad you're getting therapy because I think you need to develop more self confidence in yourself.. you're an amazing lady and you don't deserve to be yelled at ever. I get computer and internet frustration because it happens when Chris and I are talking so much. That could be part of his reasoning for not talking to you as much.. cause if his internet isn't working anyways then what does it matter. Though I don't get the youtube thing.. couldn't they have watched it with you still being on webcam or whatever and either just still there or even sending you the link in case it's something that would interest you too?

I know sometimes I've felt obligated to hang out with my friends or family at certain points, but Chris and I actually do talk a fair amount and I don't see my friends that often.. though this weekend Chris and I will be talking a bit less because of our schedules and how they work with the time difference. If HBB is really busy right now and can only handle talking for 1 hour then maybe if you agree to it, maybe he will be happier to devote that hour because he knows he can promise his friends that he can hang out for the rest of the time, instead of saying no more at all.. maybe it's his way of compromising with his friends because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. But he shouldn't want to hurt your feelings either. Maybe you can ask him for one or two nights a week to devote exclusively to you or something. I don't know. It just makes me so sad to read about this.. I almost commented on one of your facebook statuses but then I thought I'd see if you posted here too... because then I have a reason to write more and try and offer more advice or thoughts on this situation. I think you need to be confident and tell him what you want, but I also can understand a bit why it would be hard for you.. because I think.. if Chris did that to me, I'd have a hard time not forgiving him and saying it's okay. I think HBB needs to start realizing he's his own person and can make his own decisions. If he wants to be with you, he needs to start acting like it and actually choosing to talk to you over his friends who he's had all day to talk to. I hope you're okay. I'll send some internet hugs to you now.

**Zephii** · December 13, 2012, 11:46 PM

It makes me sad to see beautiful smart young women like yourself staying with douche canoes that treat them badly. I think we've all done it at least once, but it still makes me sad.

Frankly, he has no right to take his anger out on you, especially over something quite petty and for several days (from what I gathered in your post) and I wonder exactly what he's going to be like to live with in the future. Are you going to live in fear?

I don't have any good advice, but I am concerned about you. I hope something changes for the better soon.

**marbear31** · December 13, 2012, 11:46 PM

Hey Jezah, I'm so sorry he's treating you like this.

As the others have said, he's being emotionally abusive toward you, and there's never ever any excuse for that. I know members here have continually told you to leave him, and I'm very happy to hear you're working on coming to terms with this in therapy. That's a great first step!

In terms of what you can do now, outside of therapy, it's exactly as ThePiedPiper said--you're the only one who lets his bullshit cross that line. I'm not saying your behaviour is the sole cause of his actions, but it seems to me that there's that old pattern of you getting upset at him, he sees you as clingy, and you ultimately end up getting hurt. Like MadMolly, I think his suggestion is ultimately a good one--one hour is pretty damn good to talk every day. I'd say that's about the average time my SO and I talk on skype a day, and there are some times when he's doing something for work or starts browsing the internet for a couple minutes. I put on my makeup while I talk to him; we both get up to use the loo and make cups of tea or coffee. We're human and we take breaks, because it is human to take breaks when you talk to someone so frequently. When I see he's more focused on his internet work or reading the paper, I know we'll talk later--if not the same day, then the next day. The first few times, I was taken aback, and reacted by pouting and getting hurt (I think that happened once...I think I was also PMSing

), but then one day I found myself doing the same thing, and it was sort of the pot calling the kettle black, you know?

I can talk all I want about HBB's pattern of emotional immaturity, but I think right now this might be one of those issues you either have to come to terms with, or just bloody stand up for yourself on. He starts getting distracted? Fine. You do something as well, or leave the call to spend your time in a more productive way. I think the only thing that will help you is if you let him come to you, and you actually meet him in the middle. I think he was trying to do that with his suggestion about talking an hour a day, and I still think you should highly reconsider taking him up on that offer.

It's a pattern that only you can break, Jezah. You only have power over your actions, and once you start acting (and believing) you deserve to be treated with dignity, I promise it will occur--if not from him, then from another wonderful man who will love you for you.

Good luck!

**marbear31** · December 13, 2012, 11:50 PM

Originally posted by Zephii View Post

It makes me sad to see beautiful smart young women like yourself staying with douche canoes that treat them badly. I think we've all done it at least once, but it still makes me sad.

Frankly, he has no right to take his anger out on you, especially over something quite petty and for several days (from what I gathered in your post) and I wonder exactly what he's going to be like to live with in the future. Are you going to live in fear?

I don't have any good advice, but I am concerned about you. I hope something changes for the better soon.

Preach it, Zephi! I also forgot to mention I'm so, so sorry you've gone through this before with an ex. You know the warning signs; you've acknowledged them in this post. He's escalating in behaviour...I hope you can find the strength you need, dear. I'm here to talk if you ever just need a listening ear.

**Jezah** · December 14, 2012, 12:08 AM

I appreciate your guys advice. I know it is like ThePiedPiper said (almost called you Eclaire whoops :P), he is doing it out of a place of immaturity and not malice. It doesn't make it ok, but I think it does make it different from my abusive ex who belittled and hit me to either make himself feel better or to take out his insecurities about himself on me. HBB does it because he is frustrated and so when I offer advice or comfort he just explodes with anger at me because I am there, not ok but I hope something that can be worked on if he grows up a bit. Part of it is also that he lived for a long time with a incredibly controlling and frankly borderline abusive father and now that he is "free" from him I think he sometimes has a tendency to over react when he feels criticism or perceives criticism in my words, also I think him having to bottle his anger at his dad all these years has left him unable to really cope with it now from any source. Not excusing his actions, but explaining why I am not ready to run out the door. HBB up until now has never yelled at me or been cruel to me in this way, his crimes were more being inconsiderate and self absorbed.

His spending less time with me is more a problem because of the pattern we have had for over a year of talking 7-8 hours a day before he got this new job. Then he got the job and it dropped to 4 hours which I was still ok with but a little disappointed, now to have it drop even more because on top of the very still new full time job (he got it in Oct) he has moved in with his friends (early Nov) and is choosing to spend time with them over me on a regular basis. It isn't like I am saying he cannot spend time with his friends, because on his days off he spend the entire time until I get up in my time zone with them (he gets up at 9am his time and I don't get up until usually around 5pm his time) which is quite a large amount of time, heck, more time with him than I have had in months. So when he gets that twice a week...plus an hour or two before work daily...I do not see it as being needy or too much to ask for few hours a night.

Tonight, the reason he was gone for 2 hours without a word when he told me he was just eating dinner and would be calling soon? His roommate "convinced" him (he literally said that, and that his roommate was good at it since he was a salesman) to play a video game with him. When he tried to leave to call me his roommate pulled the "Oh, come on...you don't NEED to report back to her!" card. Needless to say this is also not looking good for me visiting him ever since he lives with these jerks -_-

**Trethsparr** · December 14, 2012, 02:21 AM

Originally posted by Zephii View Post

It makes me sad to see beautiful smart young women like yourself staying with douche canoes that treat them badly. I think we've all done it at least once, but it still makes me sad.

Quoted for truth.

**Irina_Linn** · December 14, 2012, 07:22 AM

Originally posted by Jezah View Post

Tonight, the reason he was gone for 2 hours without a word when he told me he was just eating dinner and would be calling soon? His roommate "convinced" him (he literally said that, and that his roommate was good at it since he was a salesman) to play a video game with him. When he tried to leave to call me his roommate pulled the "Oh, come on...you don't NEED to report back to her!" card. Needless to say this is also not looking good for me visiting him ever since he lives with these jerks -_-

i think he just gotta find some balls and be able to refuse the offers his mates are making.seriously,there is nothing embarrasing about love and man is more manly i believe when he has courage to stand up and say "listen,i dont drink beer with you tonight because my GF is ill and we are watching a movie together."mayb he is just afraid to be embarrased in front of these so-called friends by showing he loves you.but in my opinion its more of a coward than a cool guy

**snow** · December 14, 2012, 07:28 AM

Originally posted by Jezah View Post

Tonight, the reason he was gone for 2 hours without a word when he told me he was just eating dinner and would be calling soon? His roommate "convinced" him (he literally said that, and that his roommate was good at it since he was a salesman) to play a video game with him. When he tried to leave to call me his roommate pulled the "Oh, come on...you don't NEED to report back to her!" card. Needless to say this is also not looking good for me visiting him ever since he lives with these jerks -_-

He doesn't need to REPORT back to you. However he has to treat you with respect and tell you what you would see if you were there, but can't see because you're not there.
If he wants to play a video game with his friends, that is fine, everyone needs his alone time from time to time and it does feel weird that his friend "convinced" him to play. He probably asked if he wanted to and your boyfriend just felt like he wanted to play with him.
But if you were there you would see him play this game, so being respectful to your feelings and the relationship he should tell you that he is going to play that game and not disappear for 2 hours without saying anything.

I can understand that you feel neglected when you go from 7-8 hours a day to 1 hour or less (and in that time he's just yelling at you :/). Even though a lot of people who posted here said that it is a lot of time spent with each other I think that to step down from going 7-8 hours to 4 and now down to maybe an hour a day is a big difference - sure if you're used to talking to your SO for an hour a day it seems like a lot and I'm not saying it isn't, but I think you'll need more time to come to terms with your time being reduced.

Originally posted by Irina_Linn View Post

i think he just gotta find some balls and be able to refuse the offers his mates are making.seriously,there is nothing embarrasing about love and man is more manly i believe when he has courage to stand up and say "listen,i dont drink beer with you tonight because my GF is ill and we are watching a movie together."mayb he is just afraid to be embarrased in front of these so-called friends by showing he loves you.but in my opinion its more of a coward than a cool guy

This!^

**Amelia** · December 14, 2012, 07:52 AM

I had a similiar issue with my bf when he moved onto college, he was more concerned with their feelings than mine, it led to constant arguments and him getting angry at me it was ridiculous. I ended up screaming at him and telling him that he is acting like a jerk and other words may have been used. I think this shocked him because he had never seen me so angry and so upset with him ever. Now things couldnt be better its just great. It worked out better once i met his friends and they realised it isnt just some silly petty relationship.

I think you need to confront the issue or issues, and if he isnt willing to make a difference the you deserve someone who is willing to give you time and appreciation. He needs to realise that you need attention and respect just like his friends. The more you let it keep going on, he will probably think oh she might be mad for a couple of hours but it will be ok, its like there is no consequence for his actions.

**Jezah** · December 14, 2012, 11:14 PM

Originally posted by Amelia View Post

The more you let it keep going on, he will probably think oh she might be mad for a couple of hours but it will be ok, its like there is no consequence for his actions.

He has almost said as much before. Some snarky comment made in the heat of the moment where he said "I knew you would be upset but I also knew by tomorrow you wouldn't be". I let things go to easily because I enjoy time with him when we aren't fighting, plus arguing with him or continuing to show my hurt feelings doesn't seem to affect him at all. He doesn't change or do anything except apologize and if I don't take the apology (because lately when he does apologize I say "I appreciate your apology but you need to start SHOWING me you are sorry") after a while he will just go back to being snippy and cold until he goes to bed. Its a cycle, and I don't have any idea how to change it other than leave, something I don't have the strength to do

**Jezah** · December 14, 2012, 11:19 PM

Originally posted by snow View Post

He doesn't need to REPORT back to you. However he has to treat you with respect and tell you what you would see if you were there, but can't see because you're not there.
If he wants to play a video game with his friends, that is fine, everyone needs his alone time from time to time and it does feel weird that his friend "convinced" him to play. He probably asked if he wanted to and your boyfriend just felt like he wanted to play with him.
But if you were there you would see him play this game, so being respectful to your feelings and the relationship he should tell you that he is going to play that game and not disappear for 2 hours without saying anything.

I actually really like this take on it, and I am hopeful that if I present it to HBB this way he MAY see the point better. It is true, we are LDR but personally I don't feel like that is a reason to exclude me from things or ignore me. Being LDR has been hell on me mainly because HBB doesn't communicate so 99% of the time I am left feeling like I have no clue what is going on, where he is, when we will talk etc. I don't need a play by play, but when he tells me he will be home by a certain time and we will talk, and then he doesn't txt, call or in anyway let me know when things change I HATE it. I feel so helpless. Its not like in a CDR where I can drive over there or call his house to check. Same when he has used the LDR as a weapon essentially when he doesn't like what I am saying and just hangs up the phone, leaving me unable to tell him anything more or contact him in anyway since I am 3000 miles away.

**dukes2011** · December 14, 2012, 11:29 PM

Originally posted by Jezah View Post

I actually really like this take on it, and I am hopeful that if I present it to HBB this way he MAY see the point better. It is true, we are LDR but personally I don't feel like that is a reason to exclude me from things or ignore me. Being LDR has been hell on me mainly because HBB doesn't communicate so 99% of the time I am left feeling like I have no clue what is going on, where he is, when we will talk etc. I don't need a play by play, but when he tells me he will be home by a certain time and we will talk, and then he doesn't txt, call or in anyway let me know when things change I HATE it. I feel so helpless. Its not like in a CDR where I can drive over there or call his house to check. Same when he has used the LDR as a weapon essentially when he doesn't like what I am saying and just hangs up the phone, leaving me unable to tell him anything more or contact him in anyway since I am 3000 miles away.

Reading this made me so sad. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Avoiding a situation when you're upset or angry is never acceptable, especially in a LDR. Miscommunications or problems can never be resolved if one person is not willing to listen to the other. As humans, we tend to make the worst of a situation when there is so much unknown and I can tell it's really getting to your head. It would get to mine too. I hope you can resolve things or make a decision to no longer be with him. If you ever need anything, feel free to ask. I'm thinking of you! Wish I could say something to help you more.

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