His anger

[kteire]

Part of it is also that he lived for a long time with a incredibly controlling and frankly borderline abusive father and now that he is "free" from him I think he sometimes has a tendency to over react when he feels criticism or perceives criticism in my words, also I think him having to bottle his anger at his dad all these years has left him unable to really cope with it now from any source. Not excusing his actions, but explaining why I am not ready to run out the door. HBB up until now has never yelled at me or been cruel to me in this way, his crimes were more being inconsiderate and self absorbed.

This part stood out for me - I remember you saying before that you would both have horrible toxic fights where you'd both say awful things you didn't mean... and while you seem to have grown past that, it doesn't sound like he has. His dad did sound abusive and controlling, and honestly I worry that HBB is heading in the same direction. While it's a myth that most abused children become abusers, it is true in some cases. My father was abusive, manipulative, and had the shortest fuse - and he would get upset over stupid things like computer issues and take it out on me. If that's what you grow up seeing, that's how you learn to deal with anger. I was a terrible child and at one point realised that taking my anger and aggression out on ANYONE was destructive to them, our relationship, and to myself. I still get the urge to lash out at people when I'm frustrated, but I know that's not normal and I know how to deal with it constructively. I think I understand where his anger is coming from - it's what he's been taught and he doesn't know of another way to deal with it. If he sees his anger as a problem, that's at least a step in the right direction, but right now he is being abusive and destructive.

HBB needs to change. He needs to see someone about his anger issues, and he needs to learn how most people deal with frustration.I honestly don't know if you should wait around for him to do it. It's hurting you, it's making you frightened and it will damage all of the amazing progress you've made with your own health and self-respect.

[ThePiedPiper]

This part stood out for me - I remember you saying before that you would both have horrible toxic fights where you'd both say awful things you didn't mean... and while you seem to have grown past that, it doesn't sound like he has. His dad did sound abusive and controlling, and honestly I worry that HBB is heading in the same direction. While it's a myth that most abused children become abusers, it is true in some cases. My father was abusive, manipulative, and had the shortest fuse - and he would get upset over stupid things like computer issues and take it out on me. If that's what you grow up seeing, that's how you learn to deal with anger. I was a terrible child and at one point realised that taking my anger and aggression out on ANYONE was destructive to them, our relationship, and to myself. I still get the urge to lash out at people when I'm frustrated, but I know that's not normal and I know how to deal with it constructively. I think I understand where his anger is coming from - it's what he's been taught and he doesn't know of another way to deal with it. If he sees his anger as a problem, that's at least a step in the right direction, but right now he is being abusive and destructive.

HBB needs to change. He needs to see someone about his anger issues, and he needs to learn how most people deal with frustration.I honestly don't know if you should wait around for him to do it. It's hurting you, it's making you frightened and it will damage all of the amazing progress you've made with your own health and self-respect.

I agree with this entirely.

The reason I bolded it is because that's an important point. You've mentioned not having trust, and now you've mentioned fear and anxiety. This is a part of what drove me to end it with my ex, the fact that even during our calmer moments (and in between the lashing out, we did have them), I felt scared. There were certain topics I was afriad to approach. I was scared to bring up certain memories. When something else would trigger his moods, which happened on an almost daily basis, I was scared to say anything and scared to even be around him. Did HBB also witness his father treating his mother the way he treats HBB? It's often the case that witnessing domestic violence or abuse is what correlates with becoming abusive themselves, even over experiencing the abuse. I, like kteire, grew up with an abusive father and dealt with anger issues for the longest time, probably spurred not only from what my father modelled in his treatment of me but how I watched him handle it with my sister and my mother. I did realise they were a problem and so I worked on them. It took a long time to learn how to cope with them effectively and also how to regulate my emotions appropriately. Would HBB ever be interested in seeking therapy or support to learn more effective coping mechanisms?

That said, I'm not sure HBB understands the significance here, and maybe you don't entirely either, because these things have an impact. If someone hits you over and over and then attends an anger management class, the next time they raise their hand, even if it's not to touch you, is going to cause you to flinch and send you into a fit of anxiety. It's very similar with yelling and redirected anger. Your fear and anxiety is not something that's going to go away if - IF - his anger management problems do. It is something that might last months. My ex said he hated me once within a couple months after his mother had passed away. I never forgot it. It was something I was expecting to crop up and happen again, even several months later. Every time he lashed out at me, yelled at me, said hateful things to me, or even flat out ignored me, I remembered, not because I wanted to but because I was scared not to. I was scared I would trust him and then I would be marked for a fool or that I would be caught off-guard. These emotional scars, caused by their immaturity and lack of regulation, last longer than their anger does, especially if at any time, their anger becomes intermittent and not routine. I think you both should be aware of that, because it can be easy to not even see the impact it's having until it's too late to recover even when you wish you could.

[Carenza LaRue]

with everything already said..... I can only wish you lots of wisdom and peace in your heart..... with whatever you decide to do in your relationship

not easy... but I know you will come out stronger.

just take good care of yourself....

[redapple]

HBB needs to change. He needs to see someone about his anger issues, and he needs to learn how most people deal with frustration.I honestly don't know if you should wait around for him to do it. It's hurting you, it's making you frightened and it will damage all of the amazing progress you've made with your own health and self-respect.

I debated posting this so I hope you don't find it offensive jezah but having been around a little while now I've seen some of the older more explosive posts where his behaviour has been sub par and your posts didn't sound very happy. However since I've seen posts and blogs and have just felt like you we're happier and in a better place. Obviously this is the Internet so I could be totally wrong but I think the above quote is so important for you to think about

[Riyko]

I appreciate your guys advice. I know it is like ThePiedPiper said (almost called you Eclaire whoops :P), he is doing it out of a place of immaturity and not malice. It doesn't make it ok, but I think it does make it different from my abusive ex who belittled and hit me to either make himself feel better or to take out his insecurities about himself on me. HBB does it because he is frustrated and so when I offer advice or comfort he just explodes with anger at me because I am there, not ok but I hope something that can be worked on if he grows up a bit. Part of it is also that he lived for a long time with a incredibly controlling and frankly borderline abusive father and now that he is "free" from him I think he sometimes has a tendency to over react when he feels criticism or perceives criticism in my words, also I think him having to bottle his anger at his dad all these years has left him unable to really cope with it now from any source. Not excusing his actions, but explaining why I am not ready to run out the door. HBB up until now has never yelled at me or been cruel to me in this way, his crimes were more being inconsiderate and self absorbed.

Something i've been told a lot is when but is added to a sentence you are saying forget what i just said before the but part, it's a justification thing. You say you know that him redirecting his anger at you isn't okay, but you are justifying it by saying his reason for doing it is different than my ex's so it's okay. It also sounds like something he needs to work on

His spending less time with me is more a problem because of the pattern we have had for over a year of talking 7-8 hours a day before he got this new job. Then he got the job and it dropped to 4 hours which I was still ok with but a little disappointed, now to have it drop even more because on top of the very still new full time job (he got it in Oct) he has moved in with his friends (early Nov) and is choosing to spend time with them over me on a regular basis. It isn't like I am saying he cannot spend time with his friends, because on his days off he spend the entire time until I get up in my time zone with them (he gets up at 9am his time and I don't get up until usually around 5pm his time) which is quite a large amount of time, heck, more time with him than I have had in months. So when he gets that twice a week...plus an hour or two before work daily...I do not see it as being needy or too much to ask for few hours a night.

The longer you tend to be in a relationship the less likely you are going to talk a lot. I know it's harsh to go from 7-8 hours a day down to 4, but he has a life and a job now and honestly maybe a break could do you two some good or even instead of talking every day talk every other day, that way he gets his freedom and space and you get your freedom and space.

[WakeUpSusie]

I am going to be blunt about this.

He treats you like SHIT. Your relationship is toxic. Things will never change with him. You two bring out so many horrible qualities in each other (as you have said many many many times before in other threads. Every few weeks you post one of these threads and everyone always tells you the same things. I am tired of seeing these threads because it makes me so sad that a beautiful, young, vibrant, intelligent young woman like yourself if subjecting yourself over and over to these abuses.

I will say it again regardless of whether it will ever do any good. Leave him. He will never be good for you. Ever.

[ThePiedPiper]

Something i've been told a lot is when but is added to a sentence you are saying forget what i just said before the but part, it's a justification thing. You say you know that him redirecting his anger at you isn't okay, but you are justifying it by saying his reason for doing it is different than my ex's so it's okay. It also sounds like something he needs to work on

That's a good point too. My ex's reasons were also immaturity but I realised he was putting me in a place of panic and fear and didn't see a problem. Even in one of the post break-up e-mails he sent me, he made a point about he's "happy now" and "choosing to act this way" and he "could stop" because it wasn't out of control like I suggested it might be/certainly felt like. Honestly that did nothing but solidify my decision to end it with him. It was not okay the way he was treating me and it was not okay that he made the choice to treat me that way; the fact that it was a choice made it worse than if it had happened without him really recognising or appreciating the magnitude! So I left. I understand you say you don't have the strength to leave Jez, but it's important to point out that my point that HBB's behaviour stems from immaturity wasn't in any way meant to make it better or more okay than had it come from your ex, for example.

[LittleVari]

You two bring out so many horrible qualities in each other (as you have said many many many times before in other threads. Every few weeks you post one of these threads and everyone always tells you the same things

This this THIS.

I'm not going to jump on the "demonize Jez's SO" bandwagon because quite frankly I don't think he's the only one at fault, as I've seen Jezah on this very forum get upset with people who have only tried to help. She's ultra-sensitive and touchy and blows things out of proportion. I have no doubt she's upset and I have no doubt she's posting her true feelings, but I do doubt the actual severity of his crimes. I don't think her SO is so much abusive as he is thoughtless and perhaps feeling trapped by her neediness. I have no doubt they fight and those fights involve yelling-she admits they do. But I have doubts he's actually abusive and I don't like that term being thrown around so loosely based on the unreliable witness Jezah has proven herself to be.

BUT I do agree that they bring out the worst in each other, and they should break up, because I've always thought this relationship with these two particular people could end up abusive. Maybe it's starting to tip that way now. These two people have created something so completely toxic it rivals a meth lab. Individually they might each be fine people. But together they're toxic.

Jezah, I've been really harsh on you in my posts. I know. And I know it's not appreciated. I know you probably don't like me. But girl, WAKE UP. This man will NEVER EVER EVER be the man you need. There's nothing wrong with being needy and wanting to talk a lot with your SO, but you've hooked up with a guy who doesn't feel the same need, and who is now lashing out and rebelling against the very things you need in a relationship to feel secure.

Stop saying you don't have strength to leave. You do. You're not a weak person, and you deserve to be happy. You need to focus on your mental health. As much energy as you put into this relationship, you should be putting into yourself. This relationship is a distraction and will never bring you happiness. You don't have to live like this, you don't have to be unhappy, but if you want to be happy, you need to leave. Gather up your courage, do what scares you the most, and leave. You'll be stronger for it and you'll have energy to focus on your own mental health, and you will make room in your life for the guy who brings out the best in you, not the worst.

[digitalfever]

This this THIS.

I'm not going to jump on the "demonize Jez's SO" bandwagon because quite frankly I don't think he's the only one at fault, as I've seen Jezah on this very forum get upset with people who have only tried to help. She's ultra-sensitive and touchy and blows things out of proportion. I have no doubt she's upset and I have no doubt she's posting her true feelings, but I do doubt the actual severity of his crimes. I don't think her SO is so much abusive as he is thoughtless and perhaps feeling trapped by her neediness. I have no doubt they fight and those fights involve yelling-she admits they do. But I have doubts he's actually abusive and I don't like that term being thrown around so loosely based on the unreliable witness Jezah has proven herself to be.

BUT I do agree that they bring out the worst in each other, and they should break up, because I've always thought this relationship with these two particular people could end up abusive. Maybe it's starting to tip that way now. These two people have created something so completely toxic it rivals a meth lab. Individually they might each be fine people. But together they're toxic.

Jezah, I've been really harsh on you in my posts. I know. And I know it's not appreciated. I know you probably don't like me. But girl, WAKE UP. This man will NEVER EVER EVER be the man you need. There's nothing wrong with being needy and wanting to talk a lot with your SO, but you've hooked up with a guy who doesn't feel the same need, and who is now lashing out and rebelling against the very things you need in a relationship to feel secure.

Stop saying you don't have strength to leave. You do. You're not a weak person, and you deserve to be happy. You need to focus on your mental health. As much energy as you put into this relationship, you should be putting into yourself. This relationship is a distraction and will never bring you happiness. You don't have to live like this, you don't have to be unhappy, but if you want to be happy, you need to leave. Gather up your courage, do what scares you the most, and leave. You'll be stronger for it and you'll have energy to focus on your own mental health, and you will make room in your life for the guy who brings out the best in you, not the worst.

This. This. This. And more of this. I had a long winded post for her the first time I read her situation but to be honest...., I can't be bothered anymore.

[ThePiedPiper]

I'm not going to jump on the "demonize Jez's SO" bandwagon because quite frankly I don't think he's the only one at fault, as I've seen Jezah on this very forum get upset with people who have only tried to help.

No one has ever said HBB is the only one in the wrong, but HBB did not go find a therapist (as per everyone's suggestion), HBB is not seeking treatment (as per everyone's urging), and HBB is not working to improve his method of communication and his individual circumstance, as Jezah is. No, Jezah is not 100%. We are never 100% and some of us have a longer road to travel to get there, but at least Jezah is doing something about it. At least Jezah is seeing a therapist and has honestly admitted to more than she originally did in the beginning. At least she's willing to acknowledge where HBB could improve or what HBB is doing wrong and not make a slough of excuses for it. She's gotten to the point she's able to say "this isn't okay" and to admit that she's dependent on him and scared to leave him even though she's aware it might help matters. She's admitted all that, which she wouldn't have done even a month ago. She's also stood up to HBB, which she never did before.

Holding some accountable, in this case, HBB for his behaviour, does not mean we're "demonising" him and relieving Jezah of what part she plays in this. In fact, Jezah has received some of the harshest criticism of anyone on this site, so it's no wonder she hasn't responded as well as some others. Hearing "your relationship is toxic" is different than hearing "you should try communicating with him." One might not be any more or less true than the other, but one's a lot harder to listen to and accept it quietly. The fact that Jezah has made at least some improvements, however small they might seem to you, is something and I'm proud of her for making those changes. That doesn't mean I don't see where Jezah could be doing better, but at least Jezah is in therapy and working towards becoming a better person. Do I think she should focus on her mental health? Yes, but calling HBB out for never following through with anything or for not working on his own mental health, which he needs to as much as she does, is not "demonising" him. It's holding him responsible. As you said, it takes two.

Also, no one said he was abusive. I said he was thoughtless and immature. Whether he screams and bitches at her because he feels powerless or because he's immature and has poor emotion regulation does not make the difference. When my ex would ignore me for hours for wanting to talk about a problem or when I had to leave for class and told him I'd be back in an hour because I couldn't skip (he wanted to stay and talk), he said "I hate you" and proceeded to ignore me for hours even after I returned. He would cut me off if I tried to communicate an issue I had with him or if he was angry at someone else, he would lash out at me, say horrible things, ignore me or scream at me in caps, and refuse to say he loved me or be affectionate in any way (even though he expected me to be) because he was in a bad mood and that made it okay. That behaviour is borderline abusive, if not abusive. It leaves you feeling panicked and anxious no matter the reasons behind it. If HBB is lashing out at her, it's wrong. I'm not throwing the word abusive around in my case and I respond only to what I'm given to respond, and if HBB is indeed behaving as he is in the OP, then it's wrong and borderline abusive. If he's not... Eh. I'm not going to sit around and not respond to the content of a post based on my personal opinion of the OPer.

[Jezah]

Wow, didn't know some people on here felt so negatively about me. I wasn't aware that I was viewed as someone who overreacts or is unreliable in my accounts. Also, DigitalFever...if you were just coming into this thread to leave a snarky remark about how you "can't be bothered anymore" with replying to me in my posts....why bother even writing that? I see it as far from helpful to come in and just offer negativity.

As far as me overreating to people who have written to me "just trying to help" that may be so. I admit it, I have a problem sometimes with feeling very attacked by other females even when they aren't meaning to. I was viciously bullied in school by other girls, spit on, clothes torn, food spilled on me and even followed home so the girls could stand outside my window yelling insults at me for an hour. So I don't have the best level of trust with other women, and I tend to get my back up easily when I feel attacked. If I have done that to anyone who didn't mean to attack me, I apologize.

I really have been struggling with this. I don't like feeling like this. I have been working incredibly hard to solve this situation from my end, everything from meditation to art therapy to even going through electro-convulsive therapy to try and fix myself. I know I can be needy, but I continually ask myself when I get mad now if what I am asking is really so over the top...and sometimes I realize it is, but this situation I don't feel was. I also don't think being overwhelmed when your boyfriend constantly turns his anger on you for no reason is really unusual either. I feel like this issue falls into the normal scope of things a girlfriend would have problems with.

Me and HBB did have another argument tonight, and I am so tired of it. Today was his first day off in a week, and we were planning to spend it together. Well turns out he forgot he had made plans, so instead of talking the whole day and doing stuff (something we really need at this point to try and heal this relationship) he took off to the movies (which somehow took him 7 hours). When he got home it was midnight there so when I tried to talk to him and he was being incredibly petulant about how he needed to get to bed, blowing me off as per usual lately. I think he assumes if he blows me off than by the next day I will no longer be mad and he can escape having to own up to his problems. This time I told him that fine, he could go to bed, but he needed to give me a timeline before he did about how long he wanted me to wait to see if this relationship could be saved. He keeps telling me "Oh this was just one time" or "I won't do that again" or "It will get better/I will change you will see" but it has been going on wayyyy too long. I keep waiting, keep hoping, but my life is actually being made significantly worse by the stress and hurt HBB is causing me. His answer to my question though was "one week" so he has one week, he believes he can show me this relationship still has any redeeming value in one week. If by next Sunday this is still going on, I still feel this way, then I will somehow have to find the strength to walk away.

I look at his photos now and I don't get warm and fuzzies, even when we are not fighting I see a picture of him and all I can think is that he looks like a smug bastard (in my mind I use a harsher word) and I hate it. I don't see a loving sweet man, I see a guy who hurts me and then doesn't care. He just looks so self contended and selfish to me now.

Oh, and everyone who said HBB is copying what he saw from his dad, you are correct. After digging a bit it was revealed that whenever his dad was in a bad mood for any reason all his sons avoided being near him, locking themselves in their rooms because he would find a way to explode at them if he spotted them. EXACTLY what HBB is now doing to me, if I shut up on the phone when he is mad it is fine, but when I speak and he "spots" me I become the target of his anger. Not cool

[XxFranticLovexX]

I'm glad that you're going to get out of this situation if it isn't fixed soon. Just remember to stick to your word and not back down this time. If you do the cycle will just continue.
The fact that you view him the way that you do when you see his photos shows that the love is already gone from the relationship, so I'm not even really sure why you're trying to salvage it.

I also don't really feel that the way your threads are replied to isn't that people here dislike you or view you as an over all bad person. I really think that it's the fact that you have posted so many threads about how he treats you badly and have been given the same advice so many times that people are just tired of trying to give advice to someone who isn't really listening.

I'm sure you are a good person and you deserve better than how you're being treated in this relationship. Maybe take some time to get things together, get better, and help get through some of your past issues before being in a relationship with anyone. Once you are confident and happy with yourself you will stop attracting people who are going to treat you badly and tear you down and you will find someone who is actually worth your time and attention.

[LittleVari]

No one has ever said HBB is the only one in the wrong, but HBB did not go find a therapist (as per everyone's suggestion), HBB is not seeking treatment (as per everyone's urging), and HBB is not working to improve his method of communication and his individual circumstance, as Jezah is. No, Jezah is not 100%. We are never 100% and some of us have a longer road to travel to get there, but at least Jezah is doing something about it. At least Jezah is seeing a therapist and has honestly admitted to more than she originally did in the beginning. At least she's willing to acknowledge where HBB could improve or what HBB is doing wrong and not make a slough of excuses for it. She's gotten to the point she's able to say "this isn't okay" and to admit that she's dependent on him and scared to leave him even though she's aware it might help matters. She's admitted all that, which she wouldn't have done even a month ago. She's also stood up to HBB, which she never did before.

Holding some accountable, in this case, HBB for his behaviour, does not mean we're "demonising" him and relieving Jezah of what part she plays in this. In fact, Jezah has received some of the harshest criticism of anyone on this site, so it's no wonder she hasn't responded as well as some others. Hearing "your relationship is toxic" is different than hearing "you should try communicating with him." One might not be any more or less true than the other, but one's a lot harder to listen to and accept it quietly. The fact that Jezah has made at least some improvements, however small they might seem to you, is something and I'm proud of her for making those changes. That doesn't mean I don't see where Jezah could be doing better, but at least Jezah is in therapy and working towards becoming a better person. Do I think she should focus on her mental health? Yes, but calling HBB out for never following through with anything or for not working on his own mental health, which he needs to as much as she does, is not "demonising" him. It's holding him responsible. As you said, it takes two.

Also, no one said he was abusive. I said he was thoughtless and immature. Whether he screams and bitches at her because he feels powerless or because he's immature and has poor emotion regulation does not make the difference. When my ex would ignore me for hours for wanting to talk about a problem or when I had to leave for class and told him I'd be back in an hour because I couldn't skip (he wanted to stay and talk), he said "I hate you" and proceeded to ignore me for hours even after I returned. He would cut me off if I tried to communicate an issue I had with him or if he was angry at someone else, he would lash out at me, say horrible things, ignore me or scream at me in caps, and refuse to say he loved me or be affectionate in any way (even though he expected me to be) because he was in a bad mood and that made it okay. That behaviour is borderline abusive, if not abusive. It leaves you feeling panicked and anxious no matter the reasons behind it. If HBB is lashing out at her, it's wrong. I'm not throwing the word abusive around in my case and I respond only to what I'm given to respond, and if HBB is indeed behaving as he is in the OP, then it's wrong and borderline abusive. If he's not... Eh. I'm not going to sit around and not respond to the content of a post based on my personal opinion of the OPer.

I respect you too much to argue much with you, but I don't think this is fair. Her SO isn't the one coming here. We don't know what he's doing or not doing, he'd not coming to us for advice, he's not here. It isn't fair to hold that against him. And we are hearing ONE SIDE of the story from a person who over and over again has proven herself to be over-sensitive, over-reacting, and looks for reasons to feel hurt and abused, and I'm not going by how she says her SO treats her, but how she's responded to people here! If she gets harsh treatment here it's because she comes to this site over and over with the same issues and gets ultra-defensive when people when people don't sugarcoat their words for her. And yes, people are calling her SO abusive. I'm not saying it's OK that he yells at her, but I'm not going to throw him under the bus and poor-lamb Jezah, OR forget that they've both admitted to yelling at each other and finding it a turn-on. There's a difference between abusive and toxic (though toxic can of course become abusive), but just because she's back in therapy I'm not going to suddenly think she's a victim and hasn't played a huge role in how this relationship has turned out (I'd go so far as to say it's 50/50). I'm the first person to call out abusive behavior when I see it (my dad was verbally and physically abusive to my mom), but I also like to hold people accountable for the shit they get themselves into. From day one her SO has shown he's immature and flaky and unreliable, he's shown he can't provide what she needs in a relationship, yet she's blinded herself to it and made excuses and gotten angry at people on this forum when they call her on it. On top of that, she bragged about their fights and how she didn't think her relationship needed to be healthy. As I said, none of this is an excuse for him to lose it on her and yell at her, but I VERY MUCH DOUBT the situation is her sweetly sitting back what he screams at her. I'm certain she gets right in there with him.

Even in her reply below, she calls out my post details, but makes it sound like there is a whole group of people against her, when if fact the only negative reply she got was from me, and DigitalFever saying she's tired of dealing with Jezah's posts. She misses the point that I'm trying to help and instead focuses on what she doesn't want to hear, namely that I don't find her accounts completely trustworthy. She probably thinks I don't like her, and if she recalled my post to someone on another forum, I bet she'd make it sound like she was being bullied by me. When that is the furthest from my intention. She's still playing the victim, and it's a role I think she's either completely comfortable in or enjoys.

I'm thrilled she's getting help, and I hope she sticks with it and finds some peace and happiness. I give her a ton of credit for recognizing she needs help and for working on herself. And maybe she IS changing, and maybe I'm wrong and maybe she's FINALLY seeing the relationship for what it is. Maybe her SO has finally had it with her hen-pecking and is truly getting abusive. If so, I hope she gets away from him, and thank god he's long distance. No one deserves to be abused, no one asks for it.

Jezah, don't take what I say and apply it to others here. You've got a ton of support in this thread, focus on that. I'm one person with one opinion, you can take it or leave it. Don't get passive aggressive and say "SOME people" when you mean me. That isn't fair to all the people who are replying to you.

And one more thing to think about: I almost always reply to your posts even though I mostly only lurk here. I've said before the reason I reply is because I identify with you. I see what you do to yourself, looking for all the ways people are trying to hurt you while ignoring all the good, and remember how I did that to myself. I drove people away by always feeling hurt and being defensive, and while it sucked, it also gave me a bit of a thrill because when I was fighting everyone else, I felt in control and powerful. It's no way to be. All the drama that seems exciting chases people away and keeps you from getting close with anyone. And all the hurt you think people are heaping on you turns you into a perpetual victim, to the outside world and to yourself. You don't have to fight everyone, you don't have to always defend your choices to people who don't agree with you, and you don't have to live for anyone but yourself. I wouldn't write these harsh novels to you if I didn't care, if I thought you were hopeless, if I hadn't found a way out of this self-destructive cycle myself.

Instead of taking away that I think poorly of you, take away that someone cares and is spending a not-small amount of time replying to you. I might suck at actually helping (I'm no PiedPiper, heh), but the take away should be that someone cares. You're free to listen to me or not, but people here care about you, I care about you, and you have our support.

You don't have to be a victim. You're in control. Your therapist, the people on this site, and you yourself help make it so. You have power and control and support. But you have to make the hard choices and let go of comfortable old habits. I did it, you can too.

Leave him, and stop making excuses so people have to reply yet again to tell you to leave him. Be the strong woman everyone knows you can be.

[kteire]

I respect you too much to argue much with you, but I don't think this is fair. Her SO isn't the one coming here. We don't know what he's doing or not doing, he'd not coming to us for advice, he's not here. It isn't fair to hold that against him. And we are hearing ONE SIDE of the story from a person who over and over again has proven herself to be over-sensitive, over-reacting, and looks for reasons to feel hurt and abused, and I'm not going by how she says her SO treats her, but how she's responded to people here!

When it comes to things that remind me of how I felt around my dad - walking on eggshells and worrying what will set him off - I would rather believe and be proved a fool than doubt a person who might actually need help. Yes, we only know one side of it, but there's no way of ever fully knowing both side, in real life or on the Internet.

And just to clarify, I didn't outright say that he was being abusive (and would never throw the term around loosely), but that he could be heading in that direction with the behaviours he's exhibiting. There are many times that I see people saying something is abuse when it isn't, and I don't intend to be one of them, but considering how his father has acted and that he's showing the same behaviours, there are huge red flags.

[squeeker]

Hey Jezah, I'm sorry that it happened again today with the movie thing, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope he either proves himself to want to change during this week or you have the strength to walk away from him after. You do not deserve to be treated like this by him. I think maybe the best course of action is for you both to just focus on yourselves, which I know you are already working on which is great!! But if he's not changing now (which it doesn't look like he's doing so great at), then he doesn't deserve being in a relationship with you. He needs to sort his life out.. and perhaps when he sees he can't just talk to you whenever he wants.. after a few days, a week, or however long, maybe he will realize he needs to get some sort of help or therapy or something. But then again you can't count on that, because people will only change when they want to change really.. and who knows when HBB will come to that conclusion. Just try and take care of yourself and find some other things you enjoy doing that would help you relax. I really don't know how to help with these scenarios.. I think the fact that when you look at his pictures and don't get the same feelings anymore.. I think it might be time for a break... I don't think you should be living in fear of him getting angry at you, even if the anger is just misdirected.. any yelling is scary. I hope you're okay and I hope everything works out for the best for you!!