Getting a bit clingy, need some support :(

[dorabase93]

hi everyone,
my SO and I have been happy through ups and downs but recently we've been in a really deep down. I used to be a really an understanding boyfriend with sympathy for my SO, but suddenly I started being very insecure and somehow selfish. I really treasure my current relationship and would try to do anything I can to keep it strong. I'm reserved and don't have many friends or join any kinds of social clubs, groups and such. My main job in the UK is mostly studying, so I have a lot of spare time and I spend most of it with my SO. But my SO, she's opposite, she's in uni but loves working , socialising and she has a high position everywhere she works. She brings a a lot of her work home and whenever she works, she's very focused. About two weeks earlier, she became a candidate for the president of the club she's been working on the there was a lot of work to do. I supported her with everything I can. and her final speech turned out well though the result wasn't out yet. we both were really glad it was over. She gets her time off and we planned for a skype-movie. But the movie wasn't suitable for her (Lincoln Vampire hunter, OK but gory) and we had to cancel that. I was a bit down by that because that was one of the few time we can watch a movie together. and (I think) this is when my insecurity starts. I started to feel that there wasn't enough time between us. I asked her for more time, but she said that she's been trying her hardest to spend her time for us. And we started to fight. She felt guilty and helpless, seeing that she's not spending enough time for us. And as we fight she told me something that I had to think about. It's partly my fault that we got in this. I am the one who moved away and left her back home. And I feel a bit guilty too. We made up but today my insecurity/selfishness rose again and bring up the same topic. I keep feeling that we're not having enough time together. We fought again and this time, she suggest having a break while she does her work and I have some thing to work. I just don't know how to get rid of this clingy-ness and comfortably leave her with her work. I really need some advice/support.
I wish I could go home this christmas I miss her

[nomnom_elf]

aww hunni. trying to be LDR when both of you are in demanding degrees is difficult for certian. its great that you admit to it firstly, and that she to admits you need a bit more quality time.

i have to ask though does you insecurity / clingy-ness stem from her success? are you afraid of her doing well, or feel in direct competition to her achievements as they take up her time to reach them? you always mention her interests and drive, yet don't have any of your own. are you a final year student or first year? i'd understand if you didn't socialise much coz dissertation is due, but if you are a first year there are plenty of oportunities to get out more. i say this because even if you both agree to spend more time; unless you don't have other pursuits its never going to be enough. Agree together to have a day dedicated to a skype session, then text or email etc when wanting to.

putting the blame on each other isn't going to help either. you chose the university's that you preferred. that shouldn't come into it. what comes into it is how you are adjusting to uni life. i assume before parting you were together alot with a shared circle of friends?? now you are on your own, without that support apart from her. but shes managed to adjust alil quicker and is doing well?

try and contact old friends, and perhaps form a study group as a way to interact with others more whilst achieving good on your degree. hug hug

[dorabase93]

thanks for the reply I am actually a first year. I acknowledge that I have opportunities to go out. but I'm not really comfortable in front of strangers, unless I'm forced to be with them. so I don't make many friends where I stay apart from my housemates. Another thing is that, my SO's work is stressful at times, and that's when she need me most. sometimes I went out and there was something happened, I couldn't do much to help her. I used to make paper models in my spare time but when I left my stuff at my brother's to go home, some incident happened and his house was taken, including my printer. I've been trying to find something new though, like learning a language. One more thing is, her job is very spontaneous, so we can't plan on an exact date. Whenever I ask her to do something together, her answer is mostly "we'll see".
I applied for some part-time job but it was pretty hard because I want to have some time with her so the schedule is tight. I just received 2 rejections this morning and I'd love some of her support but she refused to talk to me. Sorry if it's a vent

[Irina_Linn]

ohh reminds me of my SO few months back.he also was pretty jobless while i worked,went out and did hundred things.I suggest you find some activity and make new friends,while she can just send you random messages to cheer you up.or (what we did few times) you can take a break for day or two and then arrange the time when you can speak really A LOT about what happened during these days.hope some of it may be helpful for ya

[sewbama]

The one thing that jumps out at me is that she blamed you for going where you wanted to. I was actually living with my SO until about 4 months ago. I moved away to follow my dream. It is my "fault" we're apart. But if I was upset at my SO for something, and he said "well, it's partly your fault for leaving" I'd be beyond angry. She's feeling bad for whatever it is you are upset about and trying to hurt you and distract from the actual problem. You chose to go where you are and she cannot be mad about that. If she is, that is something you guys HAVE to work out before this goes any further. If she's mad at you for the distance, everything else is going to be a problem. She has to accept that you've done what is right for your life, just as all these clubs and activities are what is right for her, which you have to (and seems like you generally have) accept.

Feeling like you don't have enough time together is not a feeling you should dismiss as clingyness and try to rid yourself of from the inside. Try to talk calmly about your needs in the relationship. If you need daily phone calls, or weekly "dates" to feel happy, you guys should try to make that happen. It doesn't mean you'll succeed every time, but if you can commit to trying, you're more likely to get the result you want. At a time when you aren't mad, you guys should try to compromise on how much time you need to be spending together. Maybe the last movie didn't work out, but maybe next time she could pick the movie. I do think you need to calm down about it and not pick fights, but that doesn't mean it isn't a real issue that needs working on.